Well I survived. Lost 4 pounds, got back into most of my pants and have had a long stream of positive feelings until I realized only one more day at home and then we go on vacation.... which means my time at home with Kaylie is coming to a close. I am realizing more and more that I enjoy being home with her. I realize more and more that if I can get my way, my private practice will take off and I can be home with her most days and just have one job. I am so close to making my dream a reality. So close to having the "right number" to put in my 30 day notice and transition to my full-time dream job. I am getting so comfortable in my "chair". I am getting so excited about my work. It's so different than being under someone else's thumb. I just need that extra push of momentum.
I have had many moments, memories, days, weeks and months with her. I've barely left her side. We are forming a little relationship of smiles, coo's and touches that no one else gets but us. So no offense to anything else going on in my life, but Kaylie is becoming the one I want to spend my time with. Combine that with a great hubby and dog and I could probably isolate myself in this little igloo if we had endless supplies forever. The minutes of our evening seem so short. There is a lot to talk about and never enough time to do it all, but each night when I go to sleep and pray, I am so very thankful for this little life we are making.
The last ten days were part of this journey. A few short days, but part of the progress. It was a challenge and a push on myself and I will be honest, I sort of slacked today, but I just was feeling sad but happy for everything the last 6 months. It's been the hardest 6 months at moments, but the best 6 months for moments. Minute by minute, I want to press pause because it's all going by too fast, but everyone says that about life. You have to enjoy it every moment. I think I am so present with her and these moments that each one is bitter sweet. Each swim class, each kiss, each smile she shoots to me is laden with a small sadness within each joy. She is only this big today. Tomorrow she will be bigger.
Today, I packed up the 3-6 months clothes. She turns 6 months next week, and she's too tall for her summer wardrobe. I was picking through the clothes, folding things she's only worn a few times since May. As I folded each item, I thought about the things we've done, all those little moments that have added up to how much I love her. And I have a hard time thinking of all the moments I will miss. All the times she will be building relationships with others. I feel so selffish for saying that, but I can't get enough of her. She's just so special.
My business partners called me maternal. More than skinny, I have found an identity in being a mom. And while I am still not who I want to be on the outside, she accepts me (loves me unconditionally) just as I am. It makes those last 11 pounds feel meaningless. One thing I have learned over the last 10 days is that I can do anything I put my mind to. I can push myself even in moments where I don't get my way. I am going to push myself to finish my goals. Finish up this weight loss, transition to being a full-time private practice clinician, and be home with baby during the day. I have a vision. I know what I want, and I am tired of focusing on the reality that I don't want. I have to start thinking of myself as a success even if I am not quite there yet.
It's been real... 10 days. I've grown a lot by doing the cleanse. I just need to keep going......
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