Heaven Sent and My Thank You's

Being a new mom, I think the last four weeks have been a series or trial and error.  Everything I read in books, learned in classes, talked to the doctor about, and made a plan for sort of flew out the window starting with her due date and when I would work until.  I don't think until you become pregnant, have a baby, and are knee deep into parenting that you really have any clue what you are in for.  Even with lots of nannying, parenting classes, and a child development major from Purdue, I have never reached out to so many people for support, advice and resources.  The really awesome part about it is that in the midst of this new and sometimes challenging time, God has provided so many people who have become like additional family to us while also making many of the relationships with much of our family stronger.

It started with the showers and all the people who showed up to shower a baby they haven't even seen with presents and gifts.  Despite being three weeks early, when we came home day one we had everything we needed except a few packs of newborn diapers.  Most people talk about how hard it is to provide for a baby, but with the support we had from our family and friends (and our parents friends), we managed to build a nest for this little lady that is far beyond what I thought we could provide.  Since then, shopping has been for fun things like tu-tu's and tiny holiday wear or little luxuries like extra nursing tanks or more bottles to not wash as much.  It has been such a blessing to realize that close to a hundred people in our lives have been part of getting our home ready for KK.  Each blanket or outfit we use, I think, "Oh _____ gave her this" or "we got this from _____".  It's been fun to see her try out each item and set up what will be where she continues to learn and grow.

Then as we got closer to the due date, I leaned heavily on the encouragement from my mom and people at work.  Since I've been home, I really don't reach out to work, but while I was there, so many people were so encouraging.  Telling me to go to the ER when my legs swelled and went purple, helping me make choices about working up until delivery day, and even just bringing me treats to say "I was thinking about you".  It made the last few months bearable, and it felt good to realize that people do see past our work being a job and recognize the value of what really matters in life.  I got to see bosses that always seemed "about the numbers" tell me not to worry about numbers and to take care of me in a genuine way.  They complimented me and helped me to see how hard I do try.  Even when she was born early causing a bit of chaos, they told me to care about the baby and have not even asked one questions about any of my clients. 

Once my water broke, the whirlwind of my new life began.  My parents answered within two telephone rings and were at the hospital shortly after I arrived.  They drove from West Lafayette at 1:30 in the morning to be there for me.  They have supported my choices from pain management, C-Section, breastfeeding, and recovery.  They have supported me emotionally on the hard days when I felt like I wasn't doing things right.  They have complimented my efforts and made me feel confident in being a parent.  Many people say their parents cause stress when having a baby, but mine have been just the opposite.  They stepped up by watching Macy for four days, carpet cleaning my bedroom, cleaning my house, spending two weeks cooking and doing laundry, and genuinely caring and providing for my new little family.  As my mom drove home a week ago, I cried and worried I wouldn't be able to do it on my own.  She gave me more encouragement and since continues to check in and make sure I feel strong and able each day.  I see the love she has for her grand daughter each face-time chat and know that despite not being right here all the time, that she is rooting and cheering for me. 

My husband has been an A+ Dad.  He has sat up with me while I tried to breast feed at 3am providing conversation, support but not providing advice.  He washes bottles until his hands cracked and continues to clean and do chores that I used to do.  He comes home from work and takes baby and changes diapers, feeds her, and gives me time to do somethings for me.  He has been generous with gifts (my love language) and allowed me to feel financially secure by working over time the last year.  He has prayed for me, sought counsel for me, and continued to allow me to feel all those mixed bag of emotions that come during this time.  He listens, is present with, and is gentle with me as I have needed a safe place to land some days.  He is better than most dads and it's been so neat to see him so in love and obsessed with the baby.  His service to me is a remind and a representation of his sacrificial and unconditional love in our marriage.  It has made us a stronger couple. I feel a new love for him and even though we often run on little sleep and have pretty much staked out camp on the couch since I got pregnant, I feel like our lives have more joy than ever before.  We are one of those lucky couples... soul mates... and feeling so blessed that God brought us together. 

My in-laws have also been there coming down for a week with KK was born and showering her with gifts and us with food and love.  They drive and set times to come down without thinking about the weather and genuinely just sit and enjoy her.  Their whole side of the family have thrown showers, sent gifts, sent pizzas from Lou Malnatti's, offered baby sitting, and have even set dates to fly out to see her.  We feel their love from miles away and know they would be over even more if they lived closer.  It's amazing how even from four hours away, we are getting so much support and love on a regular basis.  We look forward to all of the trips planned for the end of March, her future baby dedication, and Christmas. 

While I always knew our family loves us and cared about us, I have been amazed by the number of people who have reached out to help us since KK was born.  People from church who have offered motherly advice on feeding and brought over herbal medicine, oils, and resources.  Our small group who baked breads, brought flowers, and have brought over meals.  Friends from work who call and brought over meals.  Girls from my sorority who sit and talk with me and listen.  Friends from college and grad school who listen to what is going on and try to help with advice or support on feeding.  Other mothers from high school and college who have been through what I am going through who sit on facebook chat at 11pm.  Our neighbor who comes over and did a feeding OT eval and provided suggestions and support about how to help Kaylie feed better and what to talk to the doctor about.  Friends who have offered to do our dishes, make meals, bring food over, and stop by to bring me some social interaction.  Each day, someone or some people reach out to us and provide support some how.  I never realized how much community could change your life.  I have always felt like I could handle things on my own, and being humbled and in this place where I have needed help and so many have been there for us, I don't have the right words to say thank you, but I am truly thankful. 

When I think about these people who love us so dearly and thoughtfully, I know that God has placed many different people in our lives and the lives of our family to help us raise Kaylie.  Being a parent is so much more than what I thought of.  It has emotional ups and downs which aren't bad, but are more intense than I ever imagined.  As a new mom, I thought I would be able to do more than I am, have no problems with all I had read and learned, and never anticipated our perfect bundle of joy would need support as well.  I have never felt more helpless, but supported.  I have never felt more challenged but humbled.  I have never felt more blessed and provided for.  I realized that God places a family in your life for a reason.  That family is not only your birth family, but your church family, and your life family who have been in parts of your life for a season, but return when it really matters most.  I just wanted to say thank you for all that have been there for us.  A month into being parents, I am no where near as self-sufficient as I thought I would be, but I am seeing how the kindness of those who love you carry you through.  So thanks everyone!  We TRULY appreciate it!

Coming to Terms with What I've Been Given

WARNING: This post is not for people who do not want to hear about my breast feeding issues.  It is my way of reflecting and does contain conversation about breast feeding.

Kaylie is 23 days old and after my seventh face to face and probably dozenth conversation with a lactation consultant, I might have to give up my plan to breast feed.

I think with anything in motherhood you have a vision of what it will be like.  I never thought mine would be so rocky.  While the baby is healthy and I am recovering quickly, feeding the baby has been quite hard.  For awhile, I blamed myself for maybe not feeding enough the first few days or sleeping a little too long in the hospital, but after another support group, I realized my story and my experiences weren't like the other mothers. All the common signs and symptoms of what is supposed to occur after birth, for me, were a far cry from what actually happened.

Three weeks in, I have now spent lots of time and money trying herbal medicine, different breast pumps, bottles for supplementing, foods to help produce, oils for fat cells, and tried to follow a strict plan of attack.  But after my session today, I am realizing that my mommy story is far from everyone else's.

These first few weeks, the blissful idea of having my baby by my side has been mixed emotions.  After long long feeds well over an hour, my baby still cried, unsatisfied but tired.  I kept trying new feedings plans to the point where I was feeding her or pumping for an hour and a half and back on it in an hour and a half or less.  All day, all night, day after day.  Today, after another night of little sleep, I admitted, I don't know  how much longer I can do this and not see any progress.  The LC admitted that the window of time is running out for production but encouraged me to hang on a bit longer.

I know it's silly. Many babies are fed a number of ways.  I just had the pretty picture of how it would be and since it hasn't been, I have struggled to let go and move on.  But seeing her have her bottle and smile and coo at might afterward makes it worth it.  I am not a failure, I didn't give up on myself or my baby, and I have tried very hard.  Today in class I felt heard.  It wasn't another recipe for some crazy potion that might help, just an honest ear that it's not working out but I have other options.  I think I need permission sometimes to wave the white flag.  I know plenty of babies who have been formula fed and turn out great, I guess I never loved anything so much that I cared about every last choice I made for it.  I don't even care about what I eat until I had this baby.

I guess I just needed to vent today.  Alone in the house, I needed to say my surrender and get my sense of peace about giving up.  I am going to try one more week, in hopes that a miracle occurs but I barely make an ounce of milk, so I am pretty sure the book is closed.  I assume there will be more of these moments... where I have to come to terms with what I have been given...  but today, this is my moment.  I have to stop being sad that it didn't work out the way I wanted, and happy that I have a happy and healthy baby who loves her "bubba" and digests it well.  In the mean time, I will still snuggle her skin to skin and continue to develop that bond and attachment even if I don't have milk of my own to give.

My First Week into Motherhood

7 am on a Thursday morning.  Dad, baby, and Macy all asleep on the couches.  I have had my coffee, fed the baby, and watched the daily news report.  This is my new normal.  Two weeks ago, I was working and getting ready for maternity leave.  With Kaylie coming early, I wasn't really able to take of anytime to nest or get ready except for on the weekends or evenings after work, so the shock of being home all day and not having a job to go to until August is refreshing, surreal, and often times so counter cultural to what my life has been like up until now.  After a week and a half out of my C-Section, I am already walking around well, cooking, cleaning, and back to my usual busy self.  It doesn't feel normal to just sit around and do little.  But then there are these quiet moments I have never had before...  No where to go, no responsibility until she wakes up, and a sense of simplicity I have never felt.

Most people say being a mother is the hardest job.  Emotionally, it truly is.  When I feel like I can't produce or do it right, it's painful and heart-breaking like I have never felt.  Suddenly, my actions and behaviors directly impact another person just as much or more than they affect myself.  But the sheer simplicity of this life these days compared to the hustle and bustle of my life as a working woman are so contrast I feel like I am in a different world.  Holding the baby in my arms for hours at a time in a day, I have a sense of peace and serenity like I have never known.  I don't care about the laundry all being done and put away or the fact our carpet needs to be vacuumed.  Instead, I am overcome with love and warm fuzzies. I look at tiny toes for the fiftieth time and stroke her chubby cheeks, and it's really all I need to feel satisfied.  I made this, I am caring for this, and I am, despite a few hiccups with her feeding, able to satisfy this little being.  Seeing her peacefully drift off to sleep, I feel a sense of accomplishment like nothing I have ever felt working.

I always like my job when I could help a family change and get better and enjoying their kids more.  Often times a simple change in routine or communication pattern would move mountains, but more often than not, my families were stuck in patterns of behavior I could not get them motivated to change.  They would express dissatisfaction, agree with observations of the interactions, but time and time again would not make the necessary changes to evolve and grow.  I was not in control of their success.  I always said for that reason I often felt my career was God's way of teaching me I could not control everything and I had to trust Him.

Motherhood is different for me.  For the first time, I can immediately satisfy a need.  On an hourly basis, I can make hungry baby happy, sleepy baby drift to sleep, and dirty baby clean.  It's simple despite not always being perfect.  No generational poverty or systemic dysfunction.  No dyadic thinking patterns or personality disorder due to complex trauma issues.  Just a tiny little lady who has simple needs to fill.  A blank slate that has yet to be covered with years of pain and loss.  There is something so amazingly awesome about this job of being a mother I am enjoying that even the most difficult portions of parenting, like only sleeping in two hour increments, seem manageable because I know how much deeper and more broken and more difficult the world can be.  Having the privilege of being home to care for her, I just feel blessed to put my work aside and suck in everything pure and simple about loving her.

It's been a week and a half since baby girl was born.  I am changed.  I am a new person.  I feel my focus, priorities, and values are shifting solely due to an eight pound nugget of my flesh and bones.  As I stare at her now, I see all that other stuff doesn't matter.  The drama, the hustle and bustle, and the craziness of this world, they all fade to the background.  While I can't always do everything right, I feel like what I can do is love her to the best of my ability.  I get to choose what influences come into her life at this time.   I get to set the mood for this home and the pace for our lives.  Suddenly, I am not the coach on the sidelines, I am on the field and playing the game.  I am changed because I truly did not know what it was like to walk in those shoes.  And while I know I still helped people without being a parent, I feel like having this short experience has completely reframed my life.  God is so good to me, and I can't help but see how His love for us is pure, simple, and true now that I am a parent.  I could have never predicted just how simply peaceful and wonderful being a parent can be.  I think I like my new job!