Facedown in the Sand...

The Lent season is almost ending.  40 days is a really long time when you're in the midst of it.  I had no idea just how much effort it would take to change our eating habits and our lifestyle back to being "clean".  I feel like an Old Testament Hebrew elder talking about being clean and unclean sometimes :).  We failed a few times lately.  Like nose dived off a cliff into fries and lots of bad greasy foods.  I got a cold and relapsed on a trip. I say relapsed because I swear to anyone who tries to cut out carbs and sugar, you will relapse in moments where you're mindless and hopeless back into a world of terrible food choices.  I didn't just eat a sandwich, I had so many terrible treats that I am embarrassed to mention them all.  I'll admit that some of my vices have made it back into my life like coffee creamer (I am having much less though...).  We have had good days and bad.  We have made progress and lost it, but at the end of the day we're still making way better choices... I think...

The biggest factor that changed it all was sort of a slippery slope.  Another month without a pregnancy was pretty depressing to walk through last week.  The ovarian cysts dissolved on their own and we were cleared to start fertility treatments, but there was this sad few days where I had to accept that it's not happening on our own will.  We timed conception and I followed all the rules, but to get to last Monday and find out that we were still not pregnant, well, the wind just kind of stopped.  I had a busy week, so I just kept working, moving, being, but then I got a cold the next morning and it grew in intensity all weekend.  And now, here I am a week later and I am thinking about how I got so far off track with only a few days left of Lent and I realize, it was that other blow.... that other "almost this time" that brought me back to my knees.  I let myself get hopeful, and then it blew away again...

I have gotten to a place in this dessert where my face is to the sand in defeat.  I can't seem to make anything happen right.  This weekend was supposed to be a four day family getaway, and instead, it was a mess.  I was sick, forgot my make up and all of my important things, got my period, was probably the sickest I have been, KK was sick, the two things we wanted to do were too full for us to get in, we picked bad places to eat, were late to events, and just a slew of unforeseen issues came up on our "getaway".  I was so sick Sunday, that my face was swollen, my eyes were almost swollen shut when I woke up.  I was up all night at 3am with plugged sinuses ruminating over when I would fall asleep.  I just started praying...

Seriously God??  I can't get away from this suffering.  When I commit to doing well, you allow me to be shown I am still weak.  I can't breathe, I can't live, and I can't follow my dreams.  I am stuck.  I feel alone.  I feel like you're not even with me.  I am trying so far to stay faithful, but all I feel is a naive wanderer.  A boat with no harbor.  A homeless, lonely, soul trying to find shelter and it's just not happening...

 

My immune system is tanked and despite vitamins and healthy diet, I am still getting sick about every other month with a two week long cold.  We are almost at a year of trying to have another baby.  I am still struggling with my weight.  The blood panels all say I am healthy but I feel terrible.  I have the security of the last of my treasures but so much feels insecure.  I couldn't make it through the desert without giving into those old comforts.  And at this point, I am yet again feeling far from God, not because I am not pregnant, but because I just feel alone.  I show up and I feel nothing.  I care for others, yet I feel no one caring for me.  And I don't even know if I am in a place to receive it.  Don't even know if or how or what I am doing because every time I feel like I am moving forward, I find out it was no progress or back tracking...

In two days, I start fertility treatments.  I have surrendered my body over to drugs because it's so out of whack.  I feel like these days I know more people taking fertility meds to get pregnant than I do those who are just lucky to get pregnant on their own, but it doesn't make it much easier.  There is nothing normal or joyful about shooting yourself in the stomach with needles for a week to try and help your body along.  There is nothing more humiliating then taking your pants off every week to have people invade your body.  I have come accustomed to dropping my yoga pants and moving down another inch or two....  I have had more blood draws this year than I can count.  Hundreds in wasted pregnancy tests.  And it's literally led us no where.  Just as this next phase could lead us no where.  And I can't help in the midst of all of this to occasionally want to just drive into Panera and eat an arm's length french baguette (with a side of one of the creamy soups).  But I can't keep gaining weight either....

Today, I am in bed.  I have acne all over my face from the hormones from last week.  I am day 3 on my cycle.  I gained five pounds over the weekend as of yesterdays measurement, so I really have no desire to take on the world.  I have a pen of meds I am about to shoot myself up with in about 48 hours.  I have a cold... a cough like an old lady with emphazema.. and the last thing that I feel is loved by God.  And that's a hard reality to swallow but it's how I feel.  Logically, I know that's not true and I can read the Word to challenge myself, but today, I don't FEEL it.  Today, I will put myself together for the other people in my life who need support, but at this point I am at a low in my Lent journey.  I am face down in the sand.  I am waving my white flag.  I have given up so much, lost so many things, and each step is getting harder.  That along with several rounds of progesterone are enough to make anyone feel crazy but I think after the year I have had, I get to have a few moments face down in the dust crazy.  I think after so many weeks of trying to hold it all together, I get an hour to fall apart...

I am sure in the next few weeks I will heal from this cold and become accustomed to shooting myself up with Gonal F and Ovadril, but today, I feel like I just walked for miles in the desert up a hill to see there are probably several more miles of mountains before I get to a place of rest... but none of that rest is certain, none of the safety has a concrete end in sight.  And to me, I am not willing to lay here forever and give up on myself and my family, so I will rise, but right now... I am going to just be here and alone... and quiet... and surrendered... because I need to figure out how to rise and continue on...

The Necessary Detox

It's a 11pm, and I'm up late"r" than my family by a good hour plus now.  This detox is a blessing because I have a ton of energy.  I started running again this past week.  Bad news is that combine it with anxiety and stress from work and I am WIDE AWAKE with no real desire to go bed.  Started emails and notes for work and now I am more alive.  I guess I love what I do.

Our weight is starting to plateau on the detox.  We have 3 days left and I am down 8 pounds but 2.5 inches off my bust and hips and 3 inches off my waist.  I feel better, skinnier, healthier and most of the time happier.  I realize now I was fat, bloated, and drunk on sugar.  MMMMmmm sugar.   Can't say I don't miss my carby diet.  I thought it would disgust me after almost 2 weeks of detox and 3 weeks of eating clean, but not so much.  I guess carbs will always be in my heart.

I am starting to fear what's next.  How do I keep moving forward with all of this?  Part of me wants to just cave in, but more of me wants to add a few foods back in to make our lives more manageable.  I definitely want to keep being active.  I realized how much I missed the feeling of being physically sore.  I missed the sense of accomplishment from pushing myself.  I missed praying God to help me make it farther, faster, easier...

I read a facebook post from five years ago about wanting to live more simply.  At church, we are talking about in my mom's group about our "best yes" which is only committing to the things God's calling us to.  And my heart is desiring to scale back, reflect and enjoy all we have been given as a way to refocus on what we have.

I've been donating extra stuff, decluttering, and cleaning.  I am losing extra weight and trying to simplify our busy life by saying no to more things.  It's been really hard.  It's been kind of lonely.  The practice of self-denial eliminates more than excess, it opens up space.  In that empty space, I have started to see just how busy I make myself so I don't have to deal with certain things.  When I stopped the swim lessons, the extra library trips, the guilty lunches out with grandma, and the extra fast food runs, what I found is that life got pretty quiet.  I started to realize how much extra noise I put in my life, so I don't have to talk to God or even be real with myself.  I "coast" and cruise control...

Lately, my faith has been growing because as we are stripping our diets, lifestyle and budget to a more minimum place, I feel like God is blessing that slowly.  I feel like we keep getting little moments of peace and security in those quiet moments.  I feel like we realize just how excessive our lives were becoming.  I started to realize that this was more than a excessive eating problem, it was excessive spending, collecting and busying my life so I felt less pain problem.

I believe we're all addicts.  We all have a vice.  My child is addicted to her blanket and paci, but it makes her feel safe and calm.  Once I started taking away my security, I realized that I wasn't secure, I was just pacified.  Every burger, every little shopping item, even Starbucks was a "pick me up" to a greater sense that I wasn't fulfilled.  And the more naked I become in this process, the more I find a strength.  The easier it gets to just say no and the more peace I am getting to be able to say no.  I'm finding it easier to protect my heart and embrace my own value system.  I find it easier to speak my mind but let people go at the same time.  And while my anxiety is still present, it more of just busy thoughts of the day, of what else I can do or be for God's kingdom rather than what I "should have done" or "could be doing if I tried harder". 

A lot could change in the next couple weeks for our family.  I find myself growing quiet in prayer that it's God's will.  That's all I can do.  I have to let it go.  I have to lay down my cross, my dreams, my selffish wishes.  I want so many things, but each day I am finding moments of surrender where I just have to stop fighting this need to have it together and truly let it go.  It's a controlled surrender, not reckless and mindless.  My quiet surrender is becoming more and more intentional as I crave to live and more simple and God centered life.  I feel like a blooming tree with buds of potential but I need more time.  Lent is a little over half over and I feel so small and humble. 

I suppose my prayers and my heart for Lent are coming true.  I am finding out so much by giving all my treasures away.  I have given up the excess spending and food and laziness for intentional spending, living, and eating.  I am a better parent, partner and provider.  I have so much more energy.  I guess I am turning inward and selfishly holding onto that energy though.  I am healing from my inside out.  Self-denial isn't all dreaded doom and gloom.  It's elegant, quiet and simple.  It's uplifting and freeing.  It's hope.  It's change.  It's so necessary. 

What do you need to let go of in your life?  What are you addicted to?  DVR of your favorite line up?  Your phone? Food?  Idolizing your kids?  A relationship?  A designer? A Job? Running stupid road races?  What if that thing disappeared?  Who would you be and what would you do?  At the end of the day, all of our vices could be removed from our life and we are left with our soul.  And if we aren't truly at peace, how will we be able to handle those losses?

Sometimes self-care is actually a need to remove things from one's life and realign to what's really important.  The food was a barrier, the spending, the sugar, and clothes.  And I'm not quite there yet, but I see the benefits coming in.  I have Hope... I have peace... So I will just keep walking...

The Dreaded Detox

I got a few days into Lent, still addicted to sugar and craving it bad.  The simple carbs that I could have I had little self control over.  Chris and I decided to do this detox for clean eating that our friends successfully did.  Saturday went spent about 5 hours grocery shopping and prep cooking.  And today is Day 3. 

"Why in the world would you want to do this?" my mother and father asked me.  "Anything to an extreme is bad" my father chirped in.   I say chirped because I think sometimes my parents want to be this discerning force of protection to keep me from pain or discomfort, but they know I am probably going to do it anyway at this stage in my life, so they don't push too hard.  I think our decision to do the detox was fast, overnight really, which is usually our policy if we do anything as a couple.  Discuss, pray, discern, and then text it to each other at work :)

But what my husband reluctantly agreed to was probably one of the best decisions he has made for us as a couple in a long time because little did we know how much closer it would bring us, how much hope we would gain from it, and how much better we both would feel.  When you are trying to conceive a baby for several months at a time, you get very focused on trying to "make a baby".  It can weigh your thoughts and mind down and be quite depressing.  Want to or not, you start to dwell on what you don't have, why you don't have it and what you might be doing wrong in life.  That was me before Lent.  A sorrowful case of the "poor me's" that pervasively made it through my days, nights and weekends.  And when I got sad or had a bad day, I treated myself to a coffee with fancy creamer or all you can eat pizza for dinner (and cheesy bread sticks... which are pretty much my heaven in my mouth).  As much as I tried to stop focusing on getting pregnant, I couldn't. 

Then Lent came around.  Our church isn't really formal in its process of Lent.  Right now, they are planning to expand our church into several other campuses and going global, so while they are doing that, I feel like I have been on my little sojourn to find myself.  I wanted this period of time of the year to be changing.  I wanted to stop, think and really make a change because grieving loss is not something that was helping myself or my family.  I was slow and tired and sluggish and not motivated.  I was taking naps instead of working out.  I was buying crap at the grocery store again.  Food that two years ago we decided to stop eating was making it's way back onto our shelves.  And not just an occasional taquito, but a slew of frozen pizzas, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, pre-made mixes for rice or noodles, lots of pasta, BOSCO sticks (if you have never had them you really should), and my beloved breakfast pizzas.  These were not items we should have had every meal.  We were also dinning out a lot.  Spending half our mortgage in dinning out money and another half mortgage in groceries.  I was self-soothing.  I was escaping.  I am a sugar addict.

The Detox
That brings me today.  "Hi I am Kerrie.  I am a recovering sugar addict.  I have 3 days clean".   I have lost 2 pounds so far in addition to the 3lbs I had been losing since lent started.  Only about 30 more or 40 to go to get where a BMI chart would have me be to not be considered "overweight".  Like most addictions, I had to get to a "rock bottom" of my post pregnancy weight to realize that I was out of control.  It makes me sick to know that I let myself gain back nearly 30 pounds.  It's actually crushing to me, but I try not to focus on that part.

What I have felt in the last 3 days (besides the incessant cry of hunger), is energy.  All of these foods I am eating are SUPER green and SUPER healthy.  Some I can live without, but some are tolerable and I have even liked a couple.  Not Crazy Bread, but it's good food.  I am spending a ton of time in the kitchen, a ton of time with my husband, and a lot of time being active with the little squirt. 

These two weeks are a sacrifice for me because I am having to let go of my comfort.  It's just FOOD, but it's food to me.  Unless you truly struggle with sugar addictions, I don't think you can understand this.  I used to CRAVE sugar.  And I used to give in.  Now with this plan, I have my items to eat and that's it.  There are tons of food.  The volume of vegetables I eat is making my jaw hurt.  I realize now I was probably nutritionally bankrupt and yet calorically overindulged.  4 oz of protein is my new size of meat and it's much smaller.  1/2 cup of quinoa is my serving of carbs in a meal, and that's WAY smaller.  But at the end of the day, I am not hurting or suffering, I feel good. 

I actually feel better in this desert than I did in the land of plenty.  I have done a lot more praying.  A lot more thinking.  A lot more hopeful thoughts about the future.  This is two weeks for the detox, and lent is forty days, but I am changing day by day.  I feel my body shrinking, the bloating going down.  I feel my energy pick up and I, best of all, have stopped craving sugar.  I could have kept down that path of self destruction, but I stopped and asked God to help me change.  Each day we pray as a family for that change because neither of us want to live and create a legacy of self-loathing in what we don't have.  We are a very blessed family.  Sometimes I think we are too blessed and maybe that's why we got put in this desert in the first place.

We are faithful that God will allow us to have another child.  We are hopeful we will be obedient and deny ourselves our comfort foods, and we will continue to strive to take care of these vessels that He has blessed us with.  And some day when we get the weight off, we might go back a little and have an occasional treat, but we hope this reset continues to make us better and better at living a life style that uses food for fuel and God for our comfort.