Well I survived. Lost 4 pounds, got back into most of my pants and have had a long stream of positive feelings until I realized only one more day at home and then we go on vacation.... which means my time at home with Kaylie is coming to a close. I am realizing more and more that I enjoy being home with her. I realize more and more that if I can get my way, my private practice will take off and I can be home with her most days and just have one job. I am so close to making my dream a reality. So close to having the "right number" to put in my 30 day notice and transition to my full-time dream job. I am getting so comfortable in my "chair". I am getting so excited about my work. It's so different than being under someone else's thumb. I just need that extra push of momentum.
I have had many moments, memories, days, weeks and months with her. I've barely left her side. We are forming a little relationship of smiles, coo's and touches that no one else gets but us. So no offense to anything else going on in my life, but Kaylie is becoming the one I want to spend my time with. Combine that with a great hubby and dog and I could probably isolate myself in this little igloo if we had endless supplies forever. The minutes of our evening seem so short. There is a lot to talk about and never enough time to do it all, but each night when I go to sleep and pray, I am so very thankful for this little life we are making.
The last ten days were part of this journey. A few short days, but part of the progress. It was a challenge and a push on myself and I will be honest, I sort of slacked today, but I just was feeling sad but happy for everything the last 6 months. It's been the hardest 6 months at moments, but the best 6 months for moments. Minute by minute, I want to press pause because it's all going by too fast, but everyone says that about life. You have to enjoy it every moment. I think I am so present with her and these moments that each one is bitter sweet. Each swim class, each kiss, each smile she shoots to me is laden with a small sadness within each joy. She is only this big today. Tomorrow she will be bigger.
Today, I packed up the 3-6 months clothes. She turns 6 months next week, and she's too tall for her summer wardrobe. I was picking through the clothes, folding things she's only worn a few times since May. As I folded each item, I thought about the things we've done, all those little moments that have added up to how much I love her. And I have a hard time thinking of all the moments I will miss. All the times she will be building relationships with others. I feel so selffish for saying that, but I can't get enough of her. She's just so special.
My business partners called me maternal. More than skinny, I have found an identity in being a mom. And while I am still not who I want to be on the outside, she accepts me (loves me unconditionally) just as I am. It makes those last 11 pounds feel meaningless. One thing I have learned over the last 10 days is that I can do anything I put my mind to. I can push myself even in moments where I don't get my way. I am going to push myself to finish my goals. Finish up this weight loss, transition to being a full-time private practice clinician, and be home with baby during the day. I have a vision. I know what I want, and I am tired of focusing on the reality that I don't want. I have to start thinking of myself as a success even if I am not quite there yet.
It's been real... 10 days. I've grown a lot by doing the cleanse. I just need to keep going......
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Day 9: Success in Balance
I finally stepped on the scale and lost another pound. I had even forgot to weigh myself and had drank a cup of coffee and was still down a pound. I had gotten used to getting on and remaining the same each day, so I had no expectations. When I casually stepped on while talking to Chris and realized the pointer was pointing at 165 instead of 166. HOORAY!
While I know I have felt victorious, I still wanted to continue on my weight loss journey. I am down 43 pounds since February, and 4 pounds since starting the cleanse. I have not eaten dairy, flour, sugar, artificial sweetners, pop, fried food, beef, or any other junk like that in the last 12 days (I started the diet portion before the cleanse). I feel really good. I look a lot better. My face is really thinning out. My belly is not as poochie, and my muscles are much more toned. Doing the Shred workout with the Advocare cleanse is allowing me to move back into my old clothes. Stuff I had bought to cover me in the bigger size for the summer is getting too big. It feels so good. I feel so good.
11 pounds left. 13 days. I probably won't make it all the way, but man, to be back in my pants the first day back to work, I am going to feel like a CHAMPION. I've thought a little more about my vacation plans. Still not 100% sure, but one this is for sure, I won't just be nose diving off the cliff back to eating anything. I already have ideas for healthy car snacks, plans for workouts, and ideas for meals throughout the 10 days we are gone. I've become more mindful of what goes in my body. I've realized I was "stress eating" because I didn't put myself first. I was going all day at work barely eating 500 calories then would come home and binge past probably 2000 by bed time.
I need to start making myself a priority. I need to eat, sleep, and realize that working can't be number 1 anymore. Baby, hubby, God, me all need to come way before either of my jobs. And I guess if that means I do things less than perfect, I will have to get some therapy on how to accept that. I always grew up being told "do you best" and "give your all", but I think I misinterpreted that for, "lose yourself in the process so you can BE THE BEST". I twisted a value into shackles of perfection that I was always chasing. I don't know how to "not care" so I am going to try to "care less". I think if I can just find that balance, I will also turn less to food to "reward" myself for my hard work. I won't say, "I deserve Little Caesar's Crazy Bread because I worked 12 hours today and only ate 300 calories worth of rice cakes and cheese".
I have got to stop being an all or nothing girl.... I have to start accepting a messy house (at times), a furry car, a dirty dog, an unfinished to do list (or 3... one for home and one for each job), and just do the best I can. The best I can to be balanced, not to be the best. I need to organize sleep, eat, work, play, social, etc. I know I won't even be perfect at that, but it's worth a shot... Now it's time for social... Kaylie time. Our last week at home and she's squeaking in her bed...
While I know I have felt victorious, I still wanted to continue on my weight loss journey. I am down 43 pounds since February, and 4 pounds since starting the cleanse. I have not eaten dairy, flour, sugar, artificial sweetners, pop, fried food, beef, or any other junk like that in the last 12 days (I started the diet portion before the cleanse). I feel really good. I look a lot better. My face is really thinning out. My belly is not as poochie, and my muscles are much more toned. Doing the Shred workout with the Advocare cleanse is allowing me to move back into my old clothes. Stuff I had bought to cover me in the bigger size for the summer is getting too big. It feels so good. I feel so good.
11 pounds left. 13 days. I probably won't make it all the way, but man, to be back in my pants the first day back to work, I am going to feel like a CHAMPION. I've thought a little more about my vacation plans. Still not 100% sure, but one this is for sure, I won't just be nose diving off the cliff back to eating anything. I already have ideas for healthy car snacks, plans for workouts, and ideas for meals throughout the 10 days we are gone. I've become more mindful of what goes in my body. I've realized I was "stress eating" because I didn't put myself first. I was going all day at work barely eating 500 calories then would come home and binge past probably 2000 by bed time.
I need to start making myself a priority. I need to eat, sleep, and realize that working can't be number 1 anymore. Baby, hubby, God, me all need to come way before either of my jobs. And I guess if that means I do things less than perfect, I will have to get some therapy on how to accept that. I always grew up being told "do you best" and "give your all", but I think I misinterpreted that for, "lose yourself in the process so you can BE THE BEST". I twisted a value into shackles of perfection that I was always chasing. I don't know how to "not care" so I am going to try to "care less". I think if I can just find that balance, I will also turn less to food to "reward" myself for my hard work. I won't say, "I deserve Little Caesar's Crazy Bread because I worked 12 hours today and only ate 300 calories worth of rice cakes and cheese".
I have got to stop being an all or nothing girl.... I have to start accepting a messy house (at times), a furry car, a dirty dog, an unfinished to do list (or 3... one for home and one for each job), and just do the best I can. The best I can to be balanced, not to be the best. I need to organize sleep, eat, work, play, social, etc. I know I won't even be perfect at that, but it's worth a shot... Now it's time for social... Kaylie time. Our last week at home and she's squeaking in her bed...
Monday, July 22, 2013
Day 8: A New Feeling of Confidence
Stepped on the scale... no change no decrease in what I weight. I have changed quite a bit but the scale is only one measure. I wish I would have measured myself. I am wearing much different clothes and they look much different on me. I've done really well with this cleanse. I have followed it well. I feel much thinner but I have been doing a lot of working out this week. I am sure I've built muscle, and since that weighs more than fat, that's probably why I have stalled out in weight loss. Today, is my rest day. I usually have a rest day after soccer. Last night I got to see the effects of this progress.
Sunday nights I have been playing soccer for a little over a month now. I wanted to push myself to run harder in my work outs. The first couple games were embarrassing for me. I would start off only able to run a 10 foot long sprint and then I got winded. I got beat to every ball and every person made a fast break on me and zoomed past. My ball skills were terrible. It was depressing, but it made me really determined to try harder. I kept leaving the field feeling like death saying, "it just sucks because you know how you used to be able to play, and then you know how you're playing now". I know how to play the game. I know when I am not playing well. And I am the first person to beat myself up, but when no one passes the ball to you, you pretty much know... you suck. But I felt every workout (for at least a few days at a time), and each week I was determined to run as hard as I could knowing I would push myself for the sake of the team (and my image) much more than I would alone in the heat of the day.
The last couple weeks, I touched the ball a few times. I was usually getting winded after one good run, but it wasn't like I was the WORST person on the field. I felt like I was improving but was still sucky. But last night... I felt good. Full of energy, I came to the game ready to play rather than ready to take a nap. My body was ready, and I played the best I have played since returning to work outs. I marked my player and made runs up and down multiple times. I beat people to the ball. And the best part... a guy on my team yells out "nice defense" in the first few minutes of the game. A guy who I think usually rolls his eyes on my meager attempts to play. It just got me excited, and by the end of the night, I felt a few people were noticing a difference in my ability.
I was sweating like crazy but I felt good. No haze or mental fog. The guy next to me on the bench said he was feeling gross and tired. I know that feeling. I just wonder had I known about clean eating back in high school if I would have been a better soccer player. I see the different in my performance. I feel the difference. And I remember what it was like to feel like crap. Last night, I was proud of myself. And when I got back in the car rather than wanting to die, I actually felt good. I felt so good I went home and cleaned the house. It was liberating. I haven't felt good about my physical performance in years... maybe since grad school when I was doing timed 4 mile runs on the canal, but even after those, I always wanted to take a hot shower and a nap. I have never felt that energy burst after a workout.
I've started wondering what will happen in 48 hours when the cleanse is over. Will I add dairy back in? Will I eat carbs? I miss bread sometimes. Usually when I want a quick sandwich, some toast with eggs, or to just be able to eat out and not think about how much sugar is in a sauce or item. I know we will be leaving for vacation Friday and the last thing I want to is lose the gains I have made. I need a plan. Reckless, mindless eating is what leads me into a dark place. It's truly like an alcoholic with booze. I am so tempted when I don't think about it, to just go back to my old ways... I am a few greasy burgers and a pizza slice away from a full blown relapse, but I also don't want to be a "stick in the mud" or have to be completely separate from everyone else in what I eat. I NEED A RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN!!! I think I have a big sense of anxiety about not having such tight restrictions. I know the temptation to eat pizza, burgers, and a whole crap ton of bread is upcoming in my future. And I have a new love/hate relationship with bread. I still LOVE it's taste, but I HATE the way it makes me feel. It's toxic to me, but it provides an instant gratification that no other thing in my life provides.
It's clearly an area that's a work in progress. I need to figure out what is best for me longer term. I need to decide if I can be a "social" carb eater who occasionally indulges out with friends but doesn't buy all kinds of carbs to eat at home. And making sure the carbs I eat at home are good carbs. Whole wheat, not sugar laden, processed crap. The stuff that does feel like crack to me. If only getting older was easier....
Sunday nights I have been playing soccer for a little over a month now. I wanted to push myself to run harder in my work outs. The first couple games were embarrassing for me. I would start off only able to run a 10 foot long sprint and then I got winded. I got beat to every ball and every person made a fast break on me and zoomed past. My ball skills were terrible. It was depressing, but it made me really determined to try harder. I kept leaving the field feeling like death saying, "it just sucks because you know how you used to be able to play, and then you know how you're playing now". I know how to play the game. I know when I am not playing well. And I am the first person to beat myself up, but when no one passes the ball to you, you pretty much know... you suck. But I felt every workout (for at least a few days at a time), and each week I was determined to run as hard as I could knowing I would push myself for the sake of the team (and my image) much more than I would alone in the heat of the day.
The last couple weeks, I touched the ball a few times. I was usually getting winded after one good run, but it wasn't like I was the WORST person on the field. I felt like I was improving but was still sucky. But last night... I felt good. Full of energy, I came to the game ready to play rather than ready to take a nap. My body was ready, and I played the best I have played since returning to work outs. I marked my player and made runs up and down multiple times. I beat people to the ball. And the best part... a guy on my team yells out "nice defense" in the first few minutes of the game. A guy who I think usually rolls his eyes on my meager attempts to play. It just got me excited, and by the end of the night, I felt a few people were noticing a difference in my ability.
I was sweating like crazy but I felt good. No haze or mental fog. The guy next to me on the bench said he was feeling gross and tired. I know that feeling. I just wonder had I known about clean eating back in high school if I would have been a better soccer player. I see the different in my performance. I feel the difference. And I remember what it was like to feel like crap. Last night, I was proud of myself. And when I got back in the car rather than wanting to die, I actually felt good. I felt so good I went home and cleaned the house. It was liberating. I haven't felt good about my physical performance in years... maybe since grad school when I was doing timed 4 mile runs on the canal, but even after those, I always wanted to take a hot shower and a nap. I have never felt that energy burst after a workout.
I've started wondering what will happen in 48 hours when the cleanse is over. Will I add dairy back in? Will I eat carbs? I miss bread sometimes. Usually when I want a quick sandwich, some toast with eggs, or to just be able to eat out and not think about how much sugar is in a sauce or item. I know we will be leaving for vacation Friday and the last thing I want to is lose the gains I have made. I need a plan. Reckless, mindless eating is what leads me into a dark place. It's truly like an alcoholic with booze. I am so tempted when I don't think about it, to just go back to my old ways... I am a few greasy burgers and a pizza slice away from a full blown relapse, but I also don't want to be a "stick in the mud" or have to be completely separate from everyone else in what I eat. I NEED A RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN!!! I think I have a big sense of anxiety about not having such tight restrictions. I know the temptation to eat pizza, burgers, and a whole crap ton of bread is upcoming in my future. And I have a new love/hate relationship with bread. I still LOVE it's taste, but I HATE the way it makes me feel. It's toxic to me, but it provides an instant gratification that no other thing in my life provides.
It's clearly an area that's a work in progress. I need to figure out what is best for me longer term. I need to decide if I can be a "social" carb eater who occasionally indulges out with friends but doesn't buy all kinds of carbs to eat at home. And making sure the carbs I eat at home are good carbs. Whole wheat, not sugar laden, processed crap. The stuff that does feel like crack to me. If only getting older was easier....
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Day 7: The Ultimate Sacrifice
Sitting around a table at a bachelorette party at a pizza place, Napolese, in Indy. A group of us girls celebrating my friend and discussing there is never a "good" time to do a cleanse in life because there is always something going on where you don't want to sacrifice. Last night, however, I decided to be true to this cleanse and eat clean and not drink anything but water. I was worried for a bit that I'd be seen as a "no fun Sally" but I was amazed how many other people are doing cleanses, eating clean and totally understood. My generation of women seems to be getting this "Eating Clean Revolution".
We talked about the variations of clean eating, processed foods, and how to cook while working. It was encouraging to hear normal people (who decided to eat pizza) usually lived their lives clean and healthy. All skinny, pretty, women who weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, just changing up lifestyle to be healthier.
So while I didn't eat pizza or drink last night, I thought of it as a way to tell myself that I can do this in any situation. Not going to lie, I was having the sweats and withdrawal symptoms even before we left. I know what I usually get on the menu. A Broken Yolk Pizza, maybe some bruchetta, and a diet coke. Oh crap, I can't order ANY of that on the clean foods diet. Refined sugars and flour, artificial sweeteners. Now, what? God, it would taste sooo good to eat that. It smells like HEAVEN out here. Everyone else is doing it.... (Pause) No, I can resist it. And at the end of the meal (and their dessert), there were many complaints about upset tummies and feeling bloated... I, on the other hand, was so full of energy and in a great mood. I felt thinner (except my damn boobs that are still 2 cup sizes larger than they were before the baby). I wore a SIZE 8 dress last night. FREAKING SIZE 8!! I have not dropped anymore weight as of today's report. I had to wear Spanx, and I sure and hell was so happy to unzip it by the end of the night but I WAS ABLE TO ZIP UP a dress that I commonly wore my senior year of college. Holy Frappachino that felt awesome!
I still worked out yesterday morning and followed the diet, although eating two salads (with no cheese or carbs) out yesterday I think maybe were not that healthy due to the variations of balsamic dressings. I stayed up until almost 2 am and enjoyed myself. Once I was out in the public and out of my bathroom, I realized that I am doing really well. I have such high standards in my bathroom, but when I see the general public, I am not HUGE. I am not even "fat". In my head, I want to be shaped and proportioned like someone I will never be. I want to be that cute skinny mommy and I am realizing more and more even while cleansing that at some point, my body is going to stay somewhat curvy (sexy.. maybe?).
With three days left to go, I've gotten over my biggest sacrifice,,,, I went to a freakin artisan pizza place and only ate salad.... Sounds so dumb, but with the smell and it being right in front of my face, I wanted to rip off that crust SO bad. I wanted to eat the cheese and broken yolks. I wanted to eat the bacon... Oh, but I kept my head and hands in my salad bowl. I know I could have splurged. Probably wouldn't have done much damage, but it was the principle of the matter. So much in my life I make exceptions to make other people happy. I eat the pizza because I don't want to make a fuss. I was raised under the "take what's being offered"' mentality. I could have followed the crowd, ate pizza, drank wine, took shots, drank beer... But I wouldn't be proud of myself today. Instead I woke energetic. Proud of myself. (slightly discouraged there is still no change in the numbers) but I see I am NOT who I was in my relationship with food. It's like the first time in college after a bad break up that I didn't call him after a night out... or think about him.... or stalk his facebook when I got home. I feel like I am over a hill. I don't want to ever look back.
I was content in my circumstances last night. Prayer answered so quickly. I am motivated. Good thing I have a soccer game tonight :)
We talked about the variations of clean eating, processed foods, and how to cook while working. It was encouraging to hear normal people (who decided to eat pizza) usually lived their lives clean and healthy. All skinny, pretty, women who weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, just changing up lifestyle to be healthier.
So while I didn't eat pizza or drink last night, I thought of it as a way to tell myself that I can do this in any situation. Not going to lie, I was having the sweats and withdrawal symptoms even before we left. I know what I usually get on the menu. A Broken Yolk Pizza, maybe some bruchetta, and a diet coke. Oh crap, I can't order ANY of that on the clean foods diet. Refined sugars and flour, artificial sweeteners. Now, what? God, it would taste sooo good to eat that. It smells like HEAVEN out here. Everyone else is doing it.... (Pause) No, I can resist it. And at the end of the meal (and their dessert), there were many complaints about upset tummies and feeling bloated... I, on the other hand, was so full of energy and in a great mood. I felt thinner (except my damn boobs that are still 2 cup sizes larger than they were before the baby). I wore a SIZE 8 dress last night. FREAKING SIZE 8!! I have not dropped anymore weight as of today's report. I had to wear Spanx, and I sure and hell was so happy to unzip it by the end of the night but I WAS ABLE TO ZIP UP a dress that I commonly wore my senior year of college. Holy Frappachino that felt awesome!
I still worked out yesterday morning and followed the diet, although eating two salads (with no cheese or carbs) out yesterday I think maybe were not that healthy due to the variations of balsamic dressings. I stayed up until almost 2 am and enjoyed myself. Once I was out in the public and out of my bathroom, I realized that I am doing really well. I have such high standards in my bathroom, but when I see the general public, I am not HUGE. I am not even "fat". In my head, I want to be shaped and proportioned like someone I will never be. I want to be that cute skinny mommy and I am realizing more and more even while cleansing that at some point, my body is going to stay somewhat curvy (sexy.. maybe?).
I was content in my circumstances last night. Prayer answered so quickly. I am motivated. Good thing I have a soccer game tonight :)
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Day 6: Patience... My Achilles Heal
I have finally gotten to a point in this thing where it's not a big deal. After a couple days, you don't have to drink the fiber drink anymore, you just have a couple supplements in the morning and evening. Outside of pushing myself to drink the crazy amount of water, I actually think I've been eating well and following directions. I am sure I should or could be eating more veggies and fruits, and maybe that would continue to push more weight off. I've lost 3 pounds after 5 days of cleansing. Not bad, but I hope to get more by the end. Doing this cleanse is really not that big of a deal. I think you get used to the diet and routine. Used to eating 6 tiny meals a day and used to drinking lots of water. I even went to a friend's house for a cookout and didn't really feel like I missed out. Everyone else had a bun, cheese on their burger, cookies, and pop. I ate my salad, burger, and watermelon and I was still fine.
I think I had hoped to drop like 10 pounds, and I know it's not over, but after two mornings of no loss, I wonder if my loss is over? I don't know how this thing works but I am going to finish it out strong and not give into the temptation to "cheat". My mid-section feels slimmer and I have so much more energy.
I think I had hoped to drop like 10 pounds, and I know it's not over, but after two mornings of no loss, I wonder if my loss is over? I don't know how this thing works but I am going to finish it out strong and not give into the temptation to "cheat". My mid-section feels slimmer and I have so much more energy.
I am 12 pounds away from my goal of pre-baby weight (that's down 42 pounds down). I would like to keep that momentum going and just continue to eat better and slowly lose more weight over time. With the deadline coming in 2 weeks and 2 days, I fear 12 pounds is out of reach. I am not saying it can't happen but I am not going to do it in an unsafe way. I am going to keep doing the right thing. I know it's a process and the process is on it's own time line. I always think it's good to have goals, even if you don't meet them right on your time line. I hope by Christmas (10 months after birth) that I feel back to "normal". Right now, I am in my clothes, still a little muffin top to contend with but nothing like it was even just weeks ago.
Again, it's comes back to patience. I suck at the long haul. I want the instant gratification of stepping on the scale and each day and dropping weight. But that's not reality. The reality is there are days and sometimes weeks where you stall, but you can't stop. You can't go back to bad habits. I am trying to get to the point where I am content with where I am in this process each day. I am trying to get to the point where I look in the mirror and am happy but then as I make progress I get more happy.
In Philippians 4:11, Paul is talking about knowing how to be content in all situations. With or without. I want to learn to be like that. I want to be content in all times and circumstances. Content with my weight, my look, my marriage, my job, my stress level, my family. I want to learn to be in a place that I am not happy about aspects of it, but able to maintain my joy. I want to get to a point where I realize that each day is a blessing. Each day of my "dissatisfaction" is only a matter of perception. Each day of glass half empty is a day of unnecessary glum and drum. I want to learn that before I go back to work. I want to focus on my JOY rather than my "poor me's". I want to figure out how to separate all that junk that people try to bring into my life intentionally or unintentionally and let them hold it or figure out a way to just set it down. I would like to learn to "live and let live" and be able to walk away without feeling so much ownership for other people's feelings. It's probably all extra weight (emotional, spiritual and physical) that I do not need in my life. Oh another day, another thing to think about...
Friday, July 19, 2013
Day 5: Progress
The scale stayed the same but I feel skinnier. People are noticing change in my body and that feels good. That is progress
I feel less hungry, less pre-occupied with food and that is invaluable. That is progress
I work work work and don't feel the fatigue I used to when eating crap. That is progress.
I've worked out every day this week and didn't make excuses. That is progress.
I feel better about myself and how I look. That is progress.
I am not craving sugar. That is progress.
I am not craving diet soda. That is progress.
I've made a lot of progress. Nothing profound. Nothing insightful, just seeing I am coming along one step at a time.
I feel less hungry, less pre-occupied with food and that is invaluable. That is progress
I work work work and don't feel the fatigue I used to when eating crap. That is progress.
I've worked out every day this week and didn't make excuses. That is progress.
I feel better about myself and how I look. That is progress.
I am not craving sugar. That is progress.
I am not craving diet soda. That is progress.
I've made a lot of progress. Nothing profound. Nothing insightful, just seeing I am coming along one step at a time.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Day 4: Strong Enough...
I have started to feel like I am getting into a routine. Go potty, weigh myself, drink fiber drink, drink lots of water, wait, have breakfast.... Down another pound today for a total of 3 pounds in 4 days. Still have 6 more days of the cleanse to go. I am happy its SLOWLY coming off. I again was full of energy yesterday. Going out to dinner is the hardest part. Ordering salads with no cheese or carbs and dressing on the side sort of sucks out their appeal. Many places don't even offer protein without breading, fried, or cooked in a lot of grease. Had I not had a tight list of what I can and can't have, I am sure this wouldn't be so successful.
I have started doing a 20 minute strength training workout tape from Jillian Michaels and added in the afternoon. It's been too hot to walk with the baby, so it's my way of getting in some fat burn before I see clients in the evening. I am trying to figure out how I will maintain all of this when I go from working 10 hours a week to 50. Trying to figure out how I will be away so long.
Last night I came home later after hanging out with some of my "mom friends" and she was in bed when I got home. Oddly, within the first 15 minutes of me being home, she woke up, wide awake and smiled and wiggled all around in her crib. It warmed my heart. Once she's down, she has never really woke up before. I felt like she missed me. Maybe it was just my own weird reading into things, but that's what it felt like.
I can't imagine my day where most of my waking time is without her. Nowadays, I look for an occasional break at nap time or when Chris gets home but within a minute or two, I want to be back with her. Soon, hours will pass before we reunite. I'll spend my day with some other mother's child at school and a family or two at night before really reuniting with her. By then she will be in her jammies...
God, the real world sucks. I'd be content to be at SAHM with my little practice a few nights a week. I love my job as a mommy at home, but I love having a paycheck and the ability to use my talents and degree. I like my school and the people I work with. I like the kids, but I LOVE her. She's trying to eat her toes, making cute noises, and just is such a happy baby. I realize I am so blessed even with 12 more pounds to go. I'd keep all 12 pounds and more if I could make money rain from the sky so I could be home. But if I quit and didn't return, it wouldn't be fair to Chris, the school, the people I promised I would be there. I truly do like my job... UGH... my mind is like a teeter-totter all day. Back and forth from my old life to the life I've had the last 6 months.
I have an amazing life. I am really blessed. Balance is all I have ever wanted and I feel like with our routine, I have found it. Maybe a little more working, but to go from 10 to 50 hours a week, my anxiety shoots up into my throat and I start to feel overwhelmed. I wonder if I can carry the weight. I wonder if I am strong enough.
Doing this exclusive diet/cleanse/working out... I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I guess I just wanted to be happy in the process. Oh so much is going to change in the next 2 weeks... I guess as with this cleanse, I might just have to sacrifice for awhile until I get to the place I need to be to meet my goals and be able to have my dream. Knowing its in reach, makes me want to work all the harder. It's not a lofty goal, just one that I actually have to work for. Another hard stretch of terrain up the mountain, waiting for the sun to rise...
I have started doing a 20 minute strength training workout tape from Jillian Michaels and added in the afternoon. It's been too hot to walk with the baby, so it's my way of getting in some fat burn before I see clients in the evening. I am trying to figure out how I will maintain all of this when I go from working 10 hours a week to 50. Trying to figure out how I will be away so long.
Last night I came home later after hanging out with some of my "mom friends" and she was in bed when I got home. Oddly, within the first 15 minutes of me being home, she woke up, wide awake and smiled and wiggled all around in her crib. It warmed my heart. Once she's down, she has never really woke up before. I felt like she missed me. Maybe it was just my own weird reading into things, but that's what it felt like.
I can't imagine my day where most of my waking time is without her. Nowadays, I look for an occasional break at nap time or when Chris gets home but within a minute or two, I want to be back with her. Soon, hours will pass before we reunite. I'll spend my day with some other mother's child at school and a family or two at night before really reuniting with her. By then she will be in her jammies...
God, the real world sucks. I'd be content to be at SAHM with my little practice a few nights a week. I love my job as a mommy at home, but I love having a paycheck and the ability to use my talents and degree. I like my school and the people I work with. I like the kids, but I LOVE her. She's trying to eat her toes, making cute noises, and just is such a happy baby. I realize I am so blessed even with 12 more pounds to go. I'd keep all 12 pounds and more if I could make money rain from the sky so I could be home. But if I quit and didn't return, it wouldn't be fair to Chris, the school, the people I promised I would be there. I truly do like my job... UGH... my mind is like a teeter-totter all day. Back and forth from my old life to the life I've had the last 6 months.
I have an amazing life. I am really blessed. Balance is all I have ever wanted and I feel like with our routine, I have found it. Maybe a little more working, but to go from 10 to 50 hours a week, my anxiety shoots up into my throat and I start to feel overwhelmed. I wonder if I can carry the weight. I wonder if I am strong enough.
Doing this exclusive diet/cleanse/working out... I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I guess I just wanted to be happy in the process. Oh so much is going to change in the next 2 weeks... I guess as with this cleanse, I might just have to sacrifice for awhile until I get to the place I need to be to meet my goals and be able to have my dream. Knowing its in reach, makes me want to work all the harder. It's not a lofty goal, just one that I actually have to work for. Another hard stretch of terrain up the mountain, waiting for the sun to rise...
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Day 3 of the Advocare Cleanse: Childhood Obesity Flashbacks....
No weight loss from yesterday, but I am far less tired and had so much energy before bed yesterday that I had trouble falling asleep. I worked out (inside due to heat), went for a walk, had swim class with baby, and did a number of things that would usually tire me out. Instead, my mind was swimming with the upcoming changes to our lives when I return to work in 2.5 weeks. Summer is almost over :(
But last night confirmed for me another picture of why we are doing this that relayed to my thoughts yesterday. Chris and I stopped at Bob Evans last night to eat (me some slow roasted turkey) after swim class. It was "kids eat free night" so of course the place was hopping with tiny tots. We sat down at a table and minutes later a family of four with two girls probably 7 and 10 sat down. The oldest child was overweight. Wearing oversize clothes and having a chubby face and body she sits down. The younger sister, a not as heavy mini version of her sister sits behind me. They were loud little people and so as the waitress is taking their order, I could do nothing but hear what they asked for. "Can I have the macaroni and cheese with mashed potatoes?" the larger girl asks. "I want chicken fingers and fries" the little one asks. And immediately, I think, oh no... "carbs on carbs!!!"
I vented to Chris... "are we going to let our child order double carbs when we clearly see she is overweight?" His reply was slow and unsure... "well no, but what about special occasions?". To which I respond, "Kids Eat Free Night at Bob Evans is not a special occasion". I get where he is going and sure a birthday party with pizza and cake here and there won't kill her, but what about all those other days. I had to ignore about 8 servings of carbs and dairy in my meal and edit the order. There were cheese and croutons on the salad, dinner rolls, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy... A long list of "no, no's on the cleanse". So, what message are we telling kids about food? And what control do we have as parents or should we just let them eat what they want?
I think its far more a parent's responsibility than we realize. Even if Bob Evans didn't have veggies (which they do), we always have the choice to pack healthy items... carrot sticks, celery sticks, grapes, an apple, or even raisins. But letting an overweight child order the two most unhealthy carbs without even trying to pick a fight is shameful. Both parents, by the way, were actually skinny. They didn't order anything overly unhealthy, but they are allowing their children to have their hearts desires instead of what is good for them. I was that kid. I could order whatever I wanted and eat whatever I wanted on my plate. I usually ordered the mac n cheese or something carby just like that. I was that little 10 year old. Feeling completely oblivious to why I was chunky, but eating whatever purely out of lack of education about nutrition. My parents initially felt like they were being nice by letting me order what I wanted, but then in fourth grade, I remember my mom discussing my weight with the doctor at my annual summer physical. His reply, "drink more milk, less soda and make sure she is active". WHAT? How about water? What about all those carbs I was eating. No kid diets. No lifestyle change. At that point in time, I was wearing a 7/8 in juniors and no one thought this might be a bad sign? Well, clearly my mom did, but she didn't feel good about putting a child on Weight Watchers. And while she had yo-yo dieted for years, the doctor passed my size off as normal. Did he have any idea what I was eating? Any idea that despite being in sports I was one of the biggest girls on the team and in my class?
I know the times have changed. Childhood obesity is a real topic, with real resources. My mom reached out for help and she only got reassurance that if I was active I would burn it off. So even now at the age of 28, I am always active... it's just the food that I wrestle with... It's not just about being active... It's so much more. We left before the family at Bob Evans. Clean plate club was ruling the day at their table. The girl, drinking chocolate milk, had cleared her plate. Another 1,000 calorie kids meal ingested... And we wonder why there is an obesity pandemic in America. Make my fried potato circles with smiley faces and pair them with the yummiest of carbs and dairy or fried sticks of chicken covered in breading and no child can resist those foods. I hope America gets a clue. My kid will be ordering one of those meals soon. I don't want to have to hide the menu, lie to her, or be the "meanie parent" who doesn't give in, but I would rather do that than just sit by and let her become fat and unhealthy... (on a side note, I did pull the menu and they had a healthy couple options more balanced, but the sides are choices for kids... they can eat salad, broccoli, fruit cup or corn, but they can also pick fried potatoes just like adults can). I just hope I don't cave on this. I have to learn to say no before it becomes an issue or just teach her to eat more balanced. However I do it, I hope it leads to a healthier little lady.
Let the healthy eating and workouts continue....
But last night confirmed for me another picture of why we are doing this that relayed to my thoughts yesterday. Chris and I stopped at Bob Evans last night to eat (me some slow roasted turkey) after swim class. It was "kids eat free night" so of course the place was hopping with tiny tots. We sat down at a table and minutes later a family of four with two girls probably 7 and 10 sat down. The oldest child was overweight. Wearing oversize clothes and having a chubby face and body she sits down. The younger sister, a not as heavy mini version of her sister sits behind me. They were loud little people and so as the waitress is taking their order, I could do nothing but hear what they asked for. "Can I have the macaroni and cheese with mashed potatoes?" the larger girl asks. "I want chicken fingers and fries" the little one asks. And immediately, I think, oh no... "carbs on carbs!!!"
I think its far more a parent's responsibility than we realize. Even if Bob Evans didn't have veggies (which they do), we always have the choice to pack healthy items... carrot sticks, celery sticks, grapes, an apple, or even raisins. But letting an overweight child order the two most unhealthy carbs without even trying to pick a fight is shameful. Both parents, by the way, were actually skinny. They didn't order anything overly unhealthy, but they are allowing their children to have their hearts desires instead of what is good for them. I was that kid. I could order whatever I wanted and eat whatever I wanted on my plate. I usually ordered the mac n cheese or something carby just like that. I was that little 10 year old. Feeling completely oblivious to why I was chunky, but eating whatever purely out of lack of education about nutrition. My parents initially felt like they were being nice by letting me order what I wanted, but then in fourth grade, I remember my mom discussing my weight with the doctor at my annual summer physical. His reply, "drink more milk, less soda and make sure she is active". WHAT? How about water? What about all those carbs I was eating. No kid diets. No lifestyle change. At that point in time, I was wearing a 7/8 in juniors and no one thought this might be a bad sign? Well, clearly my mom did, but she didn't feel good about putting a child on Weight Watchers. And while she had yo-yo dieted for years, the doctor passed my size off as normal. Did he have any idea what I was eating? Any idea that despite being in sports I was one of the biggest girls on the team and in my class?
Let the healthy eating and workouts continue....
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Day 2... the Cleanse is Working!!!
Drum roll please: Down 2 pounds since yesterday! HOORAY! Drank my fiber drink like a champ... Added the smallest hint of apple juice to convince myself it wasn't completely terrible. Sugar free apple juice... I am trying all kinds of things to keep my mind busy, but without carbs and sugar I find myself constantly hungry. Yesterday, I ate 5 eggs, 3 oz of chicken, 1/4 cup of cooked ground turkey, a whole pint of blueberries, a banana, an apple, 12 pieces of celery, 1/2 cup of onion, 1 pepper, and 1/4 cup of tomato and 1 cup of black coffee. I also had more water than I ever thought possible. I realized another addiction: caffeine about 3pm yesterday as a raging headache from my diet Pepsi withdrawal kicked in. I think today, I will have an iced tea.
And of course the baby decides to have her first poor night of sleep last night. Up three times before 8am. Ah, well, at least its not every day. Today, I've had my fiber drink, black coffee, lots of water and plain oatmeal with cinnamon. That was gross. I think back to my days of eating frozen breakfast pizzas made by Red Barron. They are these biscuit crusts with sausage gravy, cheese, and bacon and sometimes peppers and onions. THEY ARE DELICIOUS! .... and 400 calories. I used to have them with coffee and cream and a cup of apple juice... or milk (not skim). Or I might have a breakfast of cheesy eggs, or fruit loops, or a 300 calorie bagel with cream cheese. Or... frozen pancakes at 300 calories a piece... Good Lord, I am a mess. I see why in pregnancy I gained a lot of weight. That was just breakfast.
I think about what Kaylie will eat. What I will buy. Some fancy cereal with a cartoon character on the front and a puzzle on the back with a color changing spoon buried inside...? Ugh, I want her to have a childhood but I don't want her to turn into "free willy" (a name my sister called me growing up when I was fat). My scars with weight loss are far more than stretch marks. They are those moments in the dressing room at American Eagle, Hollister and A&F where I realize, I am not that cool kid they are target marketing. I am that "child bearing hipped girl" that my mother suggests would be better clothed in a women's petite. Not comforting to a teenage girl who just want to fit in and wear Silver jeans and size double zero shorts with the cute cut off fringe (or daisy duke style like it was back in the early 2000's).
I guess that's what contrastingly motivates me to change. I don't want to be "the fat mom" at the playground. Or a mother my child is embarrassed of because she's frumpy and having to wear baggy clothes.
I then think, God, I am being awful trivial about my weight. I mean who REALLY cares what size pants I wear? Well, no one does, except me. But I think that's why I say, I am not being my best me. When I learned about clean eating, and the truth about processed foods, I realized that I was selling my body cheap goods. I pride myself on buying good clothes. I may not have the latest trend or a million styles, but when I buy a dress or an outfit, I like nice materials and long lasting quality. With make up, underwear, furniture... I am not cheap. But I realized I was being cheap with food and flaunting it... My favorite food was a double cheeseburger from McDonald's with no pickle. That is not culinary quality. I would have been happy to eat chicken nuggets and Kraft mac and cheese once a week for the rest of my life or a supreme pizza from Hungry Howie's. I feel like looking back that I looked at those foods like a teenage girl looks at getting a 2 for $10 t-shirt deal at Aeropostle. Not the best clothing choice for longevity of wear, but an awesome deal that was seen as socially acceptable.
I am trying to create a more simple life for my daughter. No cable television, family walks, board games, and less high sensory/technology based toys. I want her to roll, experience textures and sounds, and be held and cuddled. I want her to learn and grow in a world without extra junk. As I continue to clean out the pantry, clean out our closets and home, I realize there is so much "fluff" we don't need. So much "cheap entertainment". I guess I am starting to realize that food was my biggest source of entertainment... my biggest joy before she came around. Now, if I could just throw all that other stuff away, I think I could be happier, and more of the me I want to be. So for today, the goal is to play with her, enjoy her and eat food as fuel not as FUN. Guess I better go then...
And of course the baby decides to have her first poor night of sleep last night. Up three times before 8am. Ah, well, at least its not every day. Today, I've had my fiber drink, black coffee, lots of water and plain oatmeal with cinnamon. That was gross. I think back to my days of eating frozen breakfast pizzas made by Red Barron. They are these biscuit crusts with sausage gravy, cheese, and bacon and sometimes peppers and onions. THEY ARE DELICIOUS! .... and 400 calories. I used to have them with coffee and cream and a cup of apple juice... or milk (not skim). Or I might have a breakfast of cheesy eggs, or fruit loops, or a 300 calorie bagel with cream cheese. Or... frozen pancakes at 300 calories a piece... Good Lord, I am a mess. I see why in pregnancy I gained a lot of weight. That was just breakfast.
I think about what Kaylie will eat. What I will buy. Some fancy cereal with a cartoon character on the front and a puzzle on the back with a color changing spoon buried inside...? Ugh, I want her to have a childhood but I don't want her to turn into "free willy" (a name my sister called me growing up when I was fat). My scars with weight loss are far more than stretch marks. They are those moments in the dressing room at American Eagle, Hollister and A&F where I realize, I am not that cool kid they are target marketing. I am that "child bearing hipped girl" that my mother suggests would be better clothed in a women's petite. Not comforting to a teenage girl who just want to fit in and wear Silver jeans and size double zero shorts with the cute cut off fringe (or daisy duke style like it was back in the early 2000's).
I guess that's what contrastingly motivates me to change. I don't want to be "the fat mom" at the playground. Or a mother my child is embarrassed of because she's frumpy and having to wear baggy clothes.
I then think, God, I am being awful trivial about my weight. I mean who REALLY cares what size pants I wear? Well, no one does, except me. But I think that's why I say, I am not being my best me. When I learned about clean eating, and the truth about processed foods, I realized that I was selling my body cheap goods. I pride myself on buying good clothes. I may not have the latest trend or a million styles, but when I buy a dress or an outfit, I like nice materials and long lasting quality. With make up, underwear, furniture... I am not cheap. But I realized I was being cheap with food and flaunting it... My favorite food was a double cheeseburger from McDonald's with no pickle. That is not culinary quality. I would have been happy to eat chicken nuggets and Kraft mac and cheese once a week for the rest of my life or a supreme pizza from Hungry Howie's. I feel like looking back that I looked at those foods like a teenage girl looks at getting a 2 for $10 t-shirt deal at Aeropostle. Not the best clothing choice for longevity of wear, but an awesome deal that was seen as socially acceptable.
I am trying to create a more simple life for my daughter. No cable television, family walks, board games, and less high sensory/technology based toys. I want her to roll, experience textures and sounds, and be held and cuddled. I want her to learn and grow in a world without extra junk. As I continue to clean out the pantry, clean out our closets and home, I realize there is so much "fluff" we don't need. So much "cheap entertainment". I guess I am starting to realize that food was my biggest source of entertainment... my biggest joy before she came around. Now, if I could just throw all that other stuff away, I think I could be happier, and more of the me I want to be. So for today, the goal is to play with her, enjoy her and eat food as fuel not as FUN. Guess I better go then...
Monday, July 15, 2013
Day 1 of the Cleanse
I just slurped down 8 oz of sludge known as the "fiber drink". I gagged once, felt the drink coming back up... no, I can do this, just breathe... Ok... I got this. I feel like I am trying to take shots on my 21st birthday all over again. No puke and rally on these things, there is no back up. For the last five and a half months I feel like I have given a pretty good effort into weight loss. However in the last three months my weight has gone down about five pounds but then slowed down. I have gone up three pounds then back down for about two months. So basically, I have really not lost much of anything since May. As of this morning (up two pounds today), I have 15 pounds to go until pre-baby weight. My heart broke this morning. I have spent the last 72 hours being extremely diligent to control calories, fiber, carbs, fat, and workout (ran each day, played soccer, abs) and then I gain two pounds.
All the more reason for the excitement with the cleanse. The next 10 days will probably be really hard. I still get to eat 6 times a day but it's usually fruit and veggies. I will get some protein and complex carbs, but I feel like this is a chance for me to meet my goals. I know some of it will be water weight, some of it sludge from my colon and some of the fact that I will be putting out more than I am taking in. It just feels frustrating that for three months now, I have lost nothing.
I have exactly three weeks left of maternity leave. 21 days. I want to get back into those cute J.Crew pants (my whole collection). I can button them, but they look awful. I don't feel proud of my body as it stands. I know I have made huge progress from the 208 pound pregnant lady I was, but I still want to get back to me. Everyone said, "don't gain to much weight when you're pregnant because it goes on a lot easier than it comes off". At the time eating every carb in sight made sense. Now seeing her roll on the floor happy and content, I have no regrets... except all those M&M's, cookies, tacos, PBJ's, crackers, and candy. Oh I suppose I didn't need all those carbs.
Now, I feel like all of my despite my effort, I am fighting to return back to form. My arms, legs, face and chest and slowly shrinking but my lower belly is just lose and not how it used to be. No amount of crunches is really making huge progress. So this is it. The final minutes of the game. I don't care how hard this is. I am going to do it and do it right....
All the more reason for the excitement with the cleanse. The next 10 days will probably be really hard. I still get to eat 6 times a day but it's usually fruit and veggies. I will get some protein and complex carbs, but I feel like this is a chance for me to meet my goals. I know some of it will be water weight, some of it sludge from my colon and some of the fact that I will be putting out more than I am taking in. It just feels frustrating that for three months now, I have lost nothing.
I have exactly three weeks left of maternity leave. 21 days. I want to get back into those cute J.Crew pants (my whole collection). I can button them, but they look awful. I don't feel proud of my body as it stands. I know I have made huge progress from the 208 pound pregnant lady I was, but I still want to get back to me. Everyone said, "don't gain to much weight when you're pregnant because it goes on a lot easier than it comes off". At the time eating every carb in sight made sense. Now seeing her roll on the floor happy and content, I have no regrets... except all those M&M's, cookies, tacos, PBJ's, crackers, and candy. Oh I suppose I didn't need all those carbs.
Now, I feel like all of my despite my effort, I am fighting to return back to form. My arms, legs, face and chest and slowly shrinking but my lower belly is just lose and not how it used to be. No amount of crunches is really making huge progress. So this is it. The final minutes of the game. I don't care how hard this is. I am going to do it and do it right....
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Unlucky 13... No, I'll Step It Up!
5 months and 1 week ago I had a baby. 42 pounds down, 13 more to go to get to prebaby weight. I have been exercising, dieting, and changing our whole ways of eating to try and get this baby sludge off. I have walked this neighborhood at least once usuaully 2-3 times a day. I have done ab ball crunches, lifting weight, yard word, jogging, play soccer weekly, and continue to try and move all day long. I am back to fitting into some of my pants and I don't want to cry when I put clothes on... well, not as much as I used to, but in a couple weeks, we go to the lake for a week and the dreaded swim suit will need to come on. Following the I go back to work where I will need to wear more than my yoga pants every day... My time is coming to an end and my goals for myself were to be easily fitting back into my clothes 6 months after baby was born.
But since I want to lose ultimately another 27 pounds, I decided to try an Advocare Cleanse for 10 days to rid my body of the the sugars and carbs that I have comforted myself with for the last year or so. The month of June, I tried to eat clean, but I found old habits die hard and while it wasn't a total relapse, my addiction slowly creeped back in. First, it was a weekend pizza slice with the in-laws, then some buns for grilled burgers (at least it was a turkey burger)... then some goldfish crackers, some cheap fruit loops, and slowly but surely as I reviewed my food for the day I was back to my carb and dairy combo pack for most meals. DAMN! Change is so very hard.
So today, I returned to the grocery store. I pass aisle after aisle of foods that are crap. I loaded up on black beans, lots of produce and fruit, some eggs and nuts and as I return home I decide, I have to recommit myself not Monday with the cleanse but TODAY. I have to stop being of the mindset that this is a diet or I am off my diet. The only person I am cheating is myself. I have to stop eating shit! (forgive my french....) I have to stop living in this world for food. I was doing well, feeling better, and losing weight... what happened? I have only lost 1 pound in the last month... Well, I know why. I am still eating sugar sugar sugar...
I figure losing 42 pounds is good, but I can't keep making excuses for myself to deal with things and enjoy my life with food. For me, food and I have a relationship rather than seeing it as a necessary evil of my day like going to the bathroom and showering. I also see "junk food" as some people see alcohol. I see it as an escape or a way to cope. I see it as a way to socialize and a way to say, "screw the world, I have a french baguette". And the crappy part is, I feel guilty because I know I am cheating myself out of the long term joy of being healthy, the appropriate weight, and being my best me. I understand I am "not that big", but I am bigger than I should be and I always have been since I was 7. When I slow down and reflect, I think about that fat little girl who was always wearing bigger clothes than my friends. The only who was wearing junior sizes in fourth grade. The one whose sister, who was four years older, was wearing smaller clothes for years. I know I don't want to be trapped like than anymore but yet, it's so very hard to turn down a slice of pizza, an ice cold diet pepsi, or a sandwich of any kind, sometimes even when I am not hungry.
How do I recommit? Well, I buy all the produce that looks good to me, and I start prepping until my fridge is a series of clear tupperwares filled with fresh produce and cooked lean protein. I throw out the junk and move those carbs back to the pantry. I looked at my menu and reminded myself that I am better than this. I don't have to eat garbage and I shouldn't. I am far too busy and far too in need of energy to eat junk. I need all that I can get in the energy department to be the best mom, the best therapist, the best small business owner, the best wife, the best home owner and best dog walker.
I am stuck at 13 pounds left, but I won't be for long. Each time you get to a new level of the journey you have to step it up. You have to press on doing the right thing because you know that's not the easiest thing but the best thing for you. People doing these cleanses say they lose anywhere from 5-15 pounds of junk in 10 days. If I lose only a few pounds it will motivate me as I know that I am getting closer. I am like that chick at the end of Biggest Loser who each week a pound or two is progress.
I am starting to realize that my lifestyle has changed but it would still be really easy to just slide back into "easy foods". I don't like the way I feel on processed foods. I need to just kick them and refuse to go back. I like the way they taste, but I don't like the way I feel or the way it makes me look. I don't want baby to eat this junk either. I don't want her to struggle every time she tries on clothes, wears a bathing suit, or even looks in the mirror. I don't want this legacy of flab to pass down. It's one thing I refuse to pass down to her.
Ok.. refocus... I can do this. I can lose these last few pounds. I can lose 27 more and be the lean me that I want to be. First goal... lose my last 13... then we will keep on stepping it up. I will get back to my Phi Mu weight. I will get back to my skinny size 8 pants. I will be happy with my body (well, happier because I am sure I'll always pick at something). One carrot for a carb at a time.
So... today marks another round and Monday I am kicking it into hyper drive. I have this last little pile that needs to go. I have slacked and now the clock is ticking down and I need to get serious about weight loss. This reminds me of the last month before my wedding. I had lost some weight but still had quite a chunk to go. I knew between the wedding and the honeymoon I would want to be 10-15 pounds lighter so I went low carb and lost almost all of it. When I got into that wedding dress and my bikini in the days to follow I felt good. I wasn't hiding my body under a t-shirt and grabbing my towel at the pool. I stood with my shoulder back and I felt like a princess and a confident woman. I know the work is worth it!
I figure losing 42 pounds is good, but I can't keep making excuses for myself to deal with things and enjoy my life with food. For me, food and I have a relationship rather than seeing it as a necessary evil of my day like going to the bathroom and showering. I also see "junk food" as some people see alcohol. I see it as an escape or a way to cope. I see it as a way to socialize and a way to say, "screw the world, I have a french baguette". And the crappy part is, I feel guilty because I know I am cheating myself out of the long term joy of being healthy, the appropriate weight, and being my best me. I understand I am "not that big", but I am bigger than I should be and I always have been since I was 7. When I slow down and reflect, I think about that fat little girl who was always wearing bigger clothes than my friends. The only who was wearing junior sizes in fourth grade. The one whose sister, who was four years older, was wearing smaller clothes for years. I know I don't want to be trapped like than anymore but yet, it's so very hard to turn down a slice of pizza, an ice cold diet pepsi, or a sandwich of any kind, sometimes even when I am not hungry.
How do I recommit? Well, I buy all the produce that looks good to me, and I start prepping until my fridge is a series of clear tupperwares filled with fresh produce and cooked lean protein. I throw out the junk and move those carbs back to the pantry. I looked at my menu and reminded myself that I am better than this. I don't have to eat garbage and I shouldn't. I am far too busy and far too in need of energy to eat junk. I need all that I can get in the energy department to be the best mom, the best therapist, the best small business owner, the best wife, the best home owner and best dog walker.
I am stuck at 13 pounds left, but I won't be for long. Each time you get to a new level of the journey you have to step it up. You have to press on doing the right thing because you know that's not the easiest thing but the best thing for you. People doing these cleanses say they lose anywhere from 5-15 pounds of junk in 10 days. If I lose only a few pounds it will motivate me as I know that I am getting closer. I am like that chick at the end of Biggest Loser who each week a pound or two is progress.
I am starting to realize that my lifestyle has changed but it would still be really easy to just slide back into "easy foods". I don't like the way I feel on processed foods. I need to just kick them and refuse to go back. I like the way they taste, but I don't like the way I feel or the way it makes me look. I don't want baby to eat this junk either. I don't want her to struggle every time she tries on clothes, wears a bathing suit, or even looks in the mirror. I don't want this legacy of flab to pass down. It's one thing I refuse to pass down to her.
Ok.. refocus... I can do this. I can lose these last few pounds. I can lose 27 more and be the lean me that I want to be. First goal... lose my last 13... then we will keep on stepping it up. I will get back to my Phi Mu weight. I will get back to my skinny size 8 pants. I will be happy with my body (well, happier because I am sure I'll always pick at something). One carrot for a carb at a time.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Last Call
I know so far I've done a good job being her mom because she hasn't died, hasn't gotten majorly injured, and appears to be meeting her developmental milestones with ease. She's a happy baby, and she's so fun to be around. She just is so mellow and good-natured most the time that I haven't wanted to "get out" or "just have me time" all that much because I enjoy being with her. Sometimes I find myself having trouble sharing her with family and friends because quite honestly, I am in love with this thing. Her smiles make me smile no matter what else is going on. Everything about this little life has been so sweet. But what happens when I am overloaded, tired, and gone 8-12 hours a day... will we still maintain this bond we have? We she still light up when I walk in the room? Will anything bad happen while I'm away?
Each day I write a new date or see the calendar, my chest tightens. I know I've had so much more time with her than most, but working the two jobs I have won't leave time for all these special moments I have grown to love. I thought life would be more simple, but it's not... It's more complicated than ever before and I am constantly wondering why God would give me this little angel, give me my own business, but not give me a way to make it yet on my own...
I am also fearing letting go of being her everything. I love feeding her almost all her bottles, changing her, playing with her, helping her crawl and learn sounds. I love watching her nap, taking her for walks and down to the park to swing. We read books from the library, pet the dog, and make baby food together. She's my shopping buddy at Target and my favorite lunch date (she watches me eat in the kitchen while I play music and make faces at her). I've built my day around her and her special events and when I have extra time, then I work on my job or clean the house. Now, she will be second place, so I can be at school on time and make evening appointments with new clients. Now Daddy will take her to daycare and some night watch her while I see clients. Daddy might do more bottles, more swim classes, pick out more outfits and see all those funny and precious firsts.
I will soon be getting a progress report rather than giving one. I will soon be asking how her day was. I hate losing this little life I built. In a way, being home with her for six months is making it harder to return because my life is my daughter (at least for those 8 working hours and then it's my little family with a hint of private practice). My life is comfortable this way. My life is happy this way. How do I give that up?
Back at Purdue, my friend and I used to go to "Stacks" on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights (not EVERY one of those nights but quite a few). Usually on Thursdays, we left the house late and would often miss the Cactus crowd and go right to Stacks (Purdue people know what I mean). It was usually at least 11 by the time we got a table and started to hang out. I remember so many nights where the bar played "Closing Time" as their last song and then the lights were turned on and everyone had to leave... at 3 am. The last year we were in school I remember that in April and May each time that song came on, I wasn't just bummed because the party was over, but I was sad because I knew there would be a limited number of nights my best friends and I would have these last call moments. Six years ago when we graduated, I knew the party was over. Since then we have seen one another, had bachelorette parties and late nights in new bars, but I was right, it's never been the same. There was something about those moments at Purdue that we cannot recreate.
You look back on good times where you know those moments are limited and your heart warms with a smile. You know sometimes before those moments end that your getting close to the end, close to the last call and you have to prepare yourself to move on. The last five months have been such a wonderful experience, one most mom's, especially working moms, never get to have. In the last five months we have done so much together. 34 days, and I will go back to working full time while running my practice. I don't know what the future holds but I know time is running out. My tab is full and I need to do what I need to do to take care of my family, but I desperately know that every minute with her this age is fleeting. She's growing every day, and I will never have her like this again.
Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end... That's the line of the song I love the most. I am not sure what this new school year and new beginning will hold for our little family, but I pray that it's another adventure that I can look at fondly. I know it won't ever be the same to have me, little lady and puppy home together, and I know each week she'll continue to grow up, but one thing I know for certain is that I don't regret a moment spent with her. I don't miss a dollar I didn't make, and I never ever would trade anything for this time, this little girl, and all the joy she's given me...
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