Life on Lexapro Part 2

It's been about three weeks since I started anti-anxiety medication, and I have to say, it's made a world of difference for me.  I know not everyone's journey includes a "one medication is the right fit" type of experience, but for me, it has been.  I had no idea how busy my mind was, how distracted I was, how anxious I was, how much binge/stress eating I did, how long it took me to fall asleep until all of that changed.

More so, I had no idea how many people would email and private message me of their own journeys of pain, anxiety, depression, and their well wishes, questions and experiences.  Mental Health issues whether chronic, situational, biological, or trauma based are still unspoken, lonely, and often stigmatized issues that people continue to be ashamed of.  Why is that?

When I was pregnant, it was amazing how with my girlfriends who were pregnant we reached a new level of emotional intimacy with one another by sharing this experience.  We talked about everything from bodily fluids, boobs, sex, eating habits, sleeping habits, gas, poop, headaches, snot, breast milk, you name it.  I had never in my life heard or talked about much of these things with anyone except my mother and doctors.  There is something magical about sharing motherhood with other mothers.  It normalizes and comforts us to share our journey with others.  There are mom forums, and mom church groups.  There is Mother's Day and mother's book series.  We are proud of our experience of being mothers.  The badge of honor comes from handling blow out diapers in public and fitting back into our pre-pregnancy pants.

So why then does post-partum anxiety and depression or even just chronic anxiety and depression have to be a private, lonely, closed-door experience?   

How can one difficult experience be so honorable, but the other be so shameful when they are both biological and chemical experiences that are messy and yet difficult at the same time?  Why in an age of constant contact with one another via media, phone, and internet, do so many people with mental health conditions suffer alone and in silence?

It's been amazing that through my anxious thoughts over the last few years, I came up with this blog.  "Waiting for the Sun to Rise" is my metaphorical picture of how I am always anxiously awaiting the joy that supposed to come in various places of life.  From the beginning, I have be overcome with how the changes in my life have lead to an uneasy heart that struggles to find peace and trust God.  I have gotten so much feedback of people who were dying to connect to someone else in their own experience whether it be fellow mental health workers, mothers, working moms, people wanting to start a business, people getting married, people with infertility, or just people wanting to share in my journey.  What I found was that my voice was just speaking the same thoughts as others who thought they were alone.  The reality is, we are all in a place of need at various points in our life.  We all get to a place where we are dying to have a cup of coffee with an old friend who doesn't just compare their life to ours, looking to "out do our pain".  We just want some one to "get us".  And while it doesn't make the symptoms of racing thoughts or trouble sleeping go away, there is comfort in realizing we are all struggling and we can all love one another well to help one another through it.

I tried my best to lean on my faith to overcome my anxiety.  The truth was, at this stage in my life, it was just bigger than I felt I could manage.  Lexapro for me is not a life-long solution because I do feel like, for me, becoming a mom and starting my own business and having to trust God to provide has caused more anxiety than a typical year in my life would cause.  But I know for some people, anti-anxiety/depressants are a need for many seasons, years, or life long.  There is no shame in needing support.  There is no shame in trying to care for yourself so that you can be the best you can be.  We wouldn't put down someone who stops eating junk food, or stops a life of lethargy to better themselves for their family, but I have had a few other doubters say, "do you really think you need medication to get through this?"  It's interesting that we will take anti-biotics for a cold we could easily deal with, we will take random supplements to "improve our health", we will do herbal detoxes, we will do crazy workouts, we will restrict our diets, but adding an anti-anxiety medication... OH MY!  That's just so extreme, isn't it? ..... Not really.  We all have to find things that work for us.  Sure, I'd love to just drink my fresh fruit and veggies smoothies and be so healthy and happy I can tap dance for days, but the reality is that no matter how much I prayed, worked out, changed my diet and had a regular sleep schedule, I did not find relief from the stomach upset, constant thoughts, and fatigue.  It was just bigger than me, and bigger than my efforts.  Does it make me weak?  I think about as weak as I am to overcome my near-sightedness and my seasonal allergies without support.

What I know is that I feel good.  I sleep better (I still get nightmares and I still have times I have trouble sleeping), but I sleep better.  I am not tired and run down all day.  I haven't been snapping on my husband as much.  My thoughts are clearer.  I don't feel overwhelmed if things don't work out.  I eat smaller meals throughout the day and recognize my hunger rather than binging after 12 hours of not eating.  I am doing less frantic cleaning and organizing, but all of my stuff is still pretty much up to date.   I want to be out and about and get ready in the morning rather than slug in my pj's until I go to work at night.  I am hopeful about things I had trouble letting go of.  I have a better ability to just "let go and let God'.  It's not a perfect fix, but it's showing me that my mind was on over drive.  I was too stressed out to function well.  It was taking a toll on me.  And now, I feel like I am on the rebound in so many areas.

I guess I would be a hypocrite to tell clients they should consider all possibilities if therapy isn't working.  There is no excuse to allow yourself to feel miserable, lonely, and shut down.  It's not fair to you, your spouse, your friends, your kids to not figure out a way to take care of you.  Whatever that looks like.  I am more motivated to work out, eat better, and be overall more active and healthy.  This hard and well thought out decision has been life changing.  I guess I just wanted to update you.  I took another leap, and it's been a huge help.  :) 

Life on Lexapro

I am about 48 hours into taking Lexapro for anxiety.  I started trying it out at night and ended up only sleeping for 3 hours before waking up and being "jazzed" for the rest of the day.  I, initially, was thinking, "great, this was a waste, I knew it wouldn't be helpful", but then as the day went on I started to feel pretty good.  I had a lot of energy, felt less compulsions to clean, and while my thoughts were still moving and bouncing from topic to topic, I didn't have the gut sinking feeling that I was going to be sick or that something was wrong.  It was one day, and the full effects and the decrease in side effects don't occur for the first week or two.  The best effects come after about a month, so it's too soon to know if this even will make a difference in my life.  I decided to take it in the morning and see if the burst of energy like I had at 2:30 in the morning could instead be around or after lunch.  We will see.

This is a big step for me.  Usually, I try my best to "do it all by myself" without any help.  I am a pull yourself up by your own bootstraps kind of girl, and often I end up tired, frustrated, and depressed when the cost of doing it alone is higher than the benefit of doing it at all.  I had to start wearing glasses in second grade.  I hated them, but I needed them to see the board from my seat.  For four years (until I got contacts), I would try to wing it, "forgetting" my glasses on my nightstand like I didn't need them.  I would get to school, and totally feel like an idiot as I strained and tried to see but couldn't.  I would copy off my friends notes and said it was just easier to them.  Natural consequences to my own stubborn nature.  I also have seasonal allergies.  I have had allergy medication since middle school.  You would think since I have indoor and outdoor allergies that I would have started taking them daily, but I still find myself thinking, "oh they don't really help that much" and I don't take it, and then find myself sniffing, blowing, and being snotty the next day.  

What is it about me and so many others I work with that we don't want to admit we are broken?  Our bodies are broken, our spirits, our hearts.  Whether we are moms, teachers, counselors, friends, or just us, it doesn't matter the role, there is usually a dysfunction in there somewhere. 

After my grandmother died, a cousin of mine told me after the funeral my grandmother had confided in her that she was depressed and had anxiety most of her life.  While I think most people knew she was anxious because she wouldn't drive on the highway or do much outside of the house, I don't think anyone really examined how much this affected her every day life.  Looking back on how I knew my grandmother, I see the ways that depression and anxiety played a role from her willing to try new things, her rigidity on how she wanted things to be, her neediness and never feeling loved, her poor self image and always feeling unlovable, her depressive conversations about how everything was bad or lonely, etc.  We found out she started drinking vodka and hiding it, she smoked cigarettes all day, and she drank only caffeine.  And I started to ask myself lately, how are all of my emotions effecting me?  My life?  My relationships? and especially my self concept?

Outside of thinking I am never good enough and putting myself through an anxiety gerbil wheel of performance to feel better, I see where my body has often felt like it's always running on "E".  Times in college where I took diet pills so I didn't fall asleep in class even after getting 9 hours of sleep were one of the first times in my life I wondered why I was struggling when others weren't.  This had happened in high school, too, but it continued to get worse and worse.  There were times I didn't go out with friends because I just didn't have the energy to get ready and be out, but then I felt lonely and depressed sitting at the house alone.  Days when I procrastinated work, had trouble even reading a few paragraphs of a book because my mind drifted.  There were seasons where I was motivated to succeed in dieting and working out, but after a few weeks, I went back to feeling lethargic and worthless in my efforts.  I have struggled with stomach issues and feeling like maybe my thyroid or my hormones were off.  Test after test, I was in perfect health, so why didn't I feel good?  Why didn't I have the energy my friends did without a taken a Hydroxycut or drinking 2 large caffeine drinks a day?  During finals, I resorted to even lower means to try and focus.  I remember two years in particular where I took a friends Adderol on two occasions because I just couldn't retain what I was reading.  It helped, but I felt like I was cheating.  I felt like I was stupid.  I have always felt like there was something off, but "maybe I was just being too sensitive" or a hypochondriac...

My hope for this medication and for my life is that I can find a place where my insides stop shaking for every new experience even positive ones, my head can by clear and my vision of myself is positive most of the time.  I want my daughter to grow up seeing a mother who is energetic, funny, courageous, confident, loving, and giving.  I don't want her to head all those negative tapes in my head about my fat thighs, not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not having a clean enough house and my ugly body shape.  I don't want her to know the compulsive me who can't stop organizing or cleaning because I just "need to do one more thing" before I can play with her with my full attention.  I don't want to be irritable and snap on her because that day I just feel "moody".  I want to be consistent and I want the peace of God with me as I go throughout my day.

I have a friend also named Carrie I went to college with.  She is so energetic, confident, open, and willing to try anything.  She never seems to care what others think of her, and she never gets caught up in drama.  She has loads of friends, success at work, and is such a dependable person.  I always admired her for how she takes on the world and never seems to need help or be needy.  I know she comes from a good family, was raised in the church, and has good social support.  She is healthy, has good balance in her life, and while I know she's not perfect, she is such a model to me that you can live your life, treat people well, and not spend so much time caring about everyone else's opinion.  She carries herself in a way that it feels like she never worries, doesn't stay angry too long, and is always able to handle any situation. 

I have spent a lot of the last year and a half trying to find more of myself and who I want to be.  This taking an anti-depressant isn't a sign of weakness, because I don't trust God, or because I am trying to take a band-aid.  It's because I need to be able to better deal with my emotions so I can be someone in the world who doesn't project their sh*t on to everyone else.  I need to be someone who has feelings and opinions but doesn't fall apart if the world doesn't go by way.  Maybe I am too sensitive, not motivated enough, and easily angered, but why?  Is there more to that?  Does my glass ceiling have to stop at mediocre for emotional regulation?

So, this is an opportunity.  This is not a setback.  This is not some sad defeat where I have to admit that I need a prescription pill to feel good about myself.  This is an opportunity to see if the Serotonin levels in my brain are low enough that I have some mild emotional, cognitive and behavioral interference to being the best me I can be.  Guess I will keep you posted if Life on Lexapro is really all that different...

Refuge in the Storm...

There is something magical about sitting in silence listening to a thunderstorm.  Birds tweeting in their morning shower, thunder rolling in and out.  The rain beating on the roof, the side walk, the windows... There is no baby monitor on since baby went to daycare with daddy and I have a little time to stop and reflect before I need to get ready for my Real Moms group.  I don't get many moments like this and usually when I have them I clean, do some laundry, or start getting ready for work.  But there's something so peaceful to me about a thunderstorm, and man, is it coming down...

It's dark out because of the storm and I kept the lights low.  I think about how at peace I feel this morning which is such a change of pace.  I want to stay in this nook for awhile to recenter.  Usually, by Thursday morning I have clients lined up back to back, but with spring break decreases my load last week and this week, it's been good to see how just a few extra appointments a week can overload me. 

My anxiety has been a raging war since I had baby K, and while I manage and function, I have come to admit to myself that it's more than just the "adjustment to being a mom".  If a person came in and told me how I feel, I'd refer them to a doctor after some initial therapy.  So, I finally opened up and talked to my doctor about it.  I have medication at the pharmacy waiting...  I am contemplative about if I want to take this step.  I've been living stressed out, tired, unable to sleep, and struggling to be calm most days since she was born.  I have tried my therapy techniques, tried lowering stress, but unless I was on a beach with drink in hand and away from everyone, I think the knot in my stomach is there to stay.  I am not in the depths of depression like some women unfortunately face.  But I am not who I used to be.  I am much more internally agitated.  I am much more easily fatigued.  And even when I eat right, exercise, meditate, and have what feels like an easy load, I still find myself getting waves of intense panic, worry, feeling like I am missing something or doing it wrong, insecurity, racing thoughts...  That's why this blog has become my safe place to dump out all of the feelings and thoughts going on into my brain. 

I am so happy with my life and don't see why I should feel worried all the time.  Yesterday, I was just folding laundry and I got hit by this wave of uncertainty.  About nothing.  Instantly, my mind was racing and then the next thing I knew, I was feeling queasy again.  I get mad at myself like some how I should be smart enough to outsmart my feelings.  I try counting, deep breathing, thinking of a "safe place".  I try praying, listening to worship music, getting a drink.  At some point, life beckons, and I have to move on.  Still on edge, I find if I am doing a few different things all at once, I start to overload my anxiety with managing life, but in the end I just end up tired.  It's not about one area, and I can pinpoint one thought.  I just know I feel this intense, irrational twinge now and then that I am powerless to stop.  Sometimes just a day or two a week, sometimes for a few days all day long.  It just doesn't feel right...

Most of my therapist friends are on something... Zoloft, Prozac, Adderol, Lexapro....  Secondary trauma maybe to hearing and taking on so many people's brokenness and sharing in the broken places with people.  I always wondered how people do it for 30 years, full time.  Are they numb?  Are they crazy, too?  Until I started to share about my anxiety, I had no idea other therapists felt the same way at times.  I think the hormones of having a kid maybe just threw it all over the top for me.  And while I don't feel like I am in the wrong profession or overloaded, I do think I will have to practice a lot of self-care, which I suck at. 

I wish all moments felt this peaceful.  I wish time stopped for me more often so I could catch my breath, but the reality of our world is that brokenness doesn't stop.  Time doesn't stop.  Needs don't stop.  And we can neglect things and put them aside to rest here and there, but we always have to come back to it.  I am using this morning to mindfully refuel my own gas tank.  I pray anxiety leaves, and energy returns.  I pray peace is restored in my soul.  All afternoon I will be surrounded by the stories of people who need someone to intentionally listen and reflect to them, and I want to be a clinician who doesn't just show up.  I want to be a clinician that is present.  Someone who can feel and reflect and support my clients the way Jesus would support those who came to Him. 

I suppose even Jesus stopped, went away from the noise, and was just recentered in to a peaceful place, away from the anxiety and depression and brokenness of this world, and prayed to God to give Him strength to walk the journey ahead.  EVERY DAY... sometimes multiples time IN ONE DAY.  Jesus also didn't have a toddler :)

Psalm 34:18, 19 – The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (19) A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.