A Moment of Silence...

One thing that has surprised me most about working part-time at my private office versus full time is that I still have so much work to do.   I still have about 10 pounds of baby weight I'm trying to lose, still have over flowing trash cans, 6 loads of laundry, dishes, claims to file, progress notes to write, etc etc etc.  Every Monday, I title my day, reclaim your life day.  Baby is usually wiped from the weekend and sleeps in and takes longer naps.  So we usually stay at home and play catch up.  Yes, I will admit, I have had a couple afternoon naps, a couple for lunches out with friends, many walks, and have seen Dr Phil most days, but other than that, I am on the go from wake until sleep. 

After a weekend away, the work load is usually twice a big.  Despite coming home in the middle of the night Saturday and cleaning and mowing for hours yesterday, I still feel buried.  I got this little reminder on facebook though, that being a good parents starts with taking care of yourself.  Having time where I re-center with the Lord and realize the bigger picture.  So here I am as little one is still sleeping in (she stayed up until 11pm). 

Surely, this time with my coffee and blog is my time.  I won't usually get many quiet moments where the dog is sleeping in the yard and the baby is silent and not in danger of hurting herself.  This is like my moments at work in the morning when I would sit with my coffee, check my email, and just breath in the moments before a long work day.  While there is always going to be work to get done, I have to remember that each day, I have to reclaim control of the anxiety that comes with being overwhelmed and remember the bigger picture. 

I have to remind myself that God provides, God restores, God heals, God hears prayers, God listens, God is present, God knows my heart, and God has a purpose for my life. 

It will be any time now that feeding, cuddling, playing, and trying to do all of the rest of the stuff begins.  I could have started working on it in the last few minutes, but then would I remember what's really important?  Whose really in control?  I need to get better at having these moments... better of taking care of myself as a whole. 

Life Review

Last night was my ten year high school reunion.  Despite facebook and all the other social media, I found myself amazed at how life goes on and yet people I went to school with were no longer part of my life.  We all had grown up, some of us more than others, and awkwardly shuffled through the first couple hours of conversation as the drinks wore in.  It was like a series of life review questions, a before 30 "check in" to confirm whether or not you were "making it".  Decked out in my "skinny jeans" and actually using a purse for the third night since having a baby, I realized something after two or three mini chit chats: I am really lucky, blessed, and have an all around awesome life.  Then I got a little sad, I am almost 30, about a third of my life is over, and that makes me really sad.

When I was in high school, I hung out with guys more than girls, I wore sweat pants almost daily, and my make up consisted of eye liner, mascara and bronzer.  I played soccer, worked a few nanny jobs, apparently borderlined on bullying the guys I hung out with, and clearly had no connection to what girls were into.  I realized last night that up until college, when I joined Phi Mu, that I had no idea how to dress, how to "chit chat", and how to present myself.  I have come a long way!  I realized what a gift being a sorority woman was.  I think I never realized how insecure I was in high school.  I never felt like I fit in with the "cool girls", who now I realize are just women like me...  married, some with kids, with professions who take care of themselves.  None of us are better than the other.  Some had husbands there, and some were still single.  My husband and I had a blast.  He was taking shots with random people and chatting up with other people.  I was mingling from person to person.  In each conversation, I realized I am so blessed to have him.  He is my best friend... best guy friend.. and maybe I don't have a "best girl friend" because I never really got "girl dynamics".  Despite living in Phi Mu and learning the essentials of my gender role expectations in a professional world, I am still far from excited to deal with drama and catty back stabbing girl stuff.  I always felt like a nerd because even within my pledge class, I just wanted to be friends with everyone.  When drama got deep, I found myself backing away.  I am direct about my feelings and often find girls back away from me because I "hurt their feelings" or "am just too honest".  I don't dance around issues and I would rather tell you to your face than tell everyone in our circle.  I didn't realize that about myself until I found myself being known as one who always did hang out with the guys more.  At Purdue, I found just as much joy hanging with my frat boy friends as I did my sorority sisters.  Maybe, I haven't changed a ton, maybe I just never really realized that part of who I am is just not that "girly girl" I sometimes want to be in my mind.

I also found that the joy of my life is here at home.  I loved beeming with pride over baby girl.  I loved sharing about our marriage and the joy we had with our unexpected miracle.  I realized dreams like traveling to Ireland and around the globe that are still on my heart.  But overall, I realized I am most proud that I am working a job that I love...  So many people said their jobs were horrible or not what they were passionate about.  I realized that while I am "part time" at my private practice, I was confidently explaining my life and my business in a way that exerting comfort and confidence.  I didn't realize how happy and goal accomplished my life was. 

At the end of the day, we can pay our bills, love each other, take care of our daughter, love the Lord, and work jobs we both enjoy.  We have balance, love, peace, and patience in a busy world that tends to eat people for breakfast.  We have time to rest and we have a support network of people who truly look out for our best interest.  It's not all roses and sunshine but I felt good about myself and my life.  I actually didn't feel like a loser hoping to fit in like I did ten years ago.  I feel so humbled that God picked me out of the mess of my life my senior year of high school and led me down a path of my dreams.  Who knew that a sarcastic, sloppy, lonely, self-defeating high school girl could evolve? 

I am so far from that girl, that I think I got energized by who I've become.  I don't see popular or not popular anymore.   I don't see cheerleader or smart kid anymore.  I don't see jock or theater kid.  I just see people.  Our life stories have helped and hindered our journeys.  We all are looking for basic things: love, purpose, acceptance, and peace.  We all crave to be "who were were born to be".  I am glad I went to the reunion.  I want people to realize I am not who I was.  I am a constantly growing and changing person.  I think we all changed.  We all grew up.  We all are on our own journeys for the sun to rise.  I think it was good to stop a third of the way up the mountain and see where I came from.  I feel bad about how I took out my bad feelings on others.  I feel bad I was so insecure.  I feel bad I did not love myself enough to just hang out with people and be comfortable in my own skin.  But I think we can all say that to some extent.  I guess that's just part of life, learning to accept who you are but always pushing to be more of who you want to be. 

In ten more years, I'll probably have another kid or two (I hope).  I hope my business is still going strong.  I hope my marriage is still as joyful as it is today.  I bet more people will find a career they enjoy, a partner to share life with, and I am sure some will experience heartache and pain.  But I look forward to going back some day.  I want to be more self-aware and realize, I am not who I was but I can always get closer to who I want to be.  By our 20 year reunion, I want to be more physically fit and self-disciplined.  I want to be better at loving my husband.  I want to be a better friend.  I want to continue to become better at loving other people well. 

So here I am... at my life review.  So far, I'd say were are doing well.  Guess I can take on today and tomorrow with a sense of pride that I didn't become defeated by who I thought I was... I kept pushing and trying to be who God saw me as.  It's made a huge difference.  I am just grateful for relationships, all of them throughout my life.  They make things real, shape your soul, and help you move forward on the journey.

Home

I'm back in my yoga pants today.  The staples of my maternity leave from the 8am feeding watching the TODAY show to my blog time during nap time, is allowing me to come back to center.  The back door is open bringing in fresh air and sunshine.  I'm in the office with a snoring husky and baby is down for a nap.  The house just got picked up and I have my "to do" list for the recovery after working two jobs for the last month.  I've got progress notes, claims to bill, laundry, vacuuming, etc etc but I am just pausing and breathing for a moment today.  I did clean out the pantry (probably my most soothing OCD activity), and I cleaned some dishes, but today I just wanted to breathe.  Those deep cleansing yoga breaths that remind you to "re-center". I used to think they were lame, but something about inhaling deeply unlike my anxious and stressed out short breaths, makes my body feel taller, leaner, more like the me I want to be.  Being at home is my recovery from stress.  Being home is where I feel I am meant to be after weeks of being slammed into the world.

Something about being home, no matter the stress level, helps me to recenter.  I call our neighborhood "my retreat" because as soon as you enter back into the woods, you just feel like you're headed away to a resort in the forest.  I love being home... the sun, the big tree out front, my super awesome neighbors, the people I love, and the things that make up me.  I could do nothing all day here for days and days and I just feel more and more comfortable.  I know life isn't about just being comfortable, but I think there are moments in our life when we need a sanctuary.  We need a place to get back right with ourselves, the Lord, and our priorities.  Sometime I feel like I need to hit my own psychological reset button and get whole again.

The last month has been hard.  I've been short, snappy, tired, irritable, and probably a bad friend and wife. I never will know why I thought I could work two jobs that are both very emotionally taxing.  I will never know why I thought I'd be able to survive being away from baby 10, 11, 12, sometimes 13 hours a day.  Was I a nut case?  I guess I should have believed in myself that my private practice could actually be successful once the RIDICULOUS paneling and contracting process with insurance was completed.   The past 30 days I have reverted and regressed to an old self that I thought I had left behind.  I've let my good eating habits go back to old habits... maybe not 100% but I can feel the difference in my belly flubber.  I got behind on paperwork, housework, and baby care.  It's all a mountain that built while I was away from home 12 hours a day.  But I'm home.  I can regain control.  Reorganize life...

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.  A life where I am my boss.  I finally can "work hard/play hard" according to my schedule.  I can be a night owl and work past 10 pm, I can slam it into three days or stretch it out to six.  I can work, not work, play or rest.  I can be my sassy often interpreted as "abrasive self" because the only person I am managing and taking direction from is me.  I have always been "marching to the beat of my own drum" said my first grade teacher.  I am a determined woman on the hunt and mission to control my own destiny.  And now,  I am in control.  My sanity is returning.  I am energized again.  I am home...

Mixed Emotions as I move Forward...

I am sitting in my office at the school for the very last time.  Little first graders and kindergartners are outside sitting in a line after a trip to the bathroom.  They have "hallway hugs and a bubbles", but are giggling and asking tiny people questions.  Every day when I am doing paperwork, I leave my door cracked just a little bit.  I love their little people conversations, tiny smiles, and curiosity.  I moved my toys out about two weeks ago, and I've missed the gasps of excitement as kids used to peer in and see the doll house and a few other toys on the shelves.  Kids love to play, and thus, they love play therapy.

I am sad because in a way this was my dream job.  I love being in a good school, with good staff, and good kids.  I love being apart of the learning process.  I love being part of this team.  I love so many things about being here.  I loved shopping for back to school decor and hitting up the dollar tree for motivational prizes.  I would say, I am "shopping for MY kids".  They some how became like my little club of secret people... some with trauma, some with bad homes, some in foster care, and some who had lost loved ones.  They were my little land of misfit toys...  They sometimes had poor social skills or cried multiple times a day.  But in my room, we played.  We talked.  I learned so much about their little people lives.  And they learned about themselves. 

It's hard to be a therapist.  You learn about all the special moments in peoples lives but you can't share those stories with anyone else.  Your a secret keeper and a story holder.  You share emotional intimacy with people in a way that most never know.  You build a bond with your clients.  You know their families, know their life story, and know why they do what they do.  It's a privilege but a lonely island to work on. 

I've been on teams with some amazing other people.  People who for decades serve day after day a population in survival.  We get cussed out, stood up, put down, and denied.  We cry with people, laugh with people, and sit with people in the darkest moments of grief. 

I am sitting in a room of memories.  Play therapy moments of "ah ha" bliss and moments of pain.  This cinder cell block cubby in the middle of the primary hallway for one year has been my home, and before that another cubby in another place was my special home for a year and a half.  I love my work.  I love play therapy and family therapy.  I love the clinician I have become...

Nothing in life is ever simple black and white.  I've had many gray moments.  Moments where I've thought about turning back and renigging on my resignation.  But I truly feel like I was born to run this private office.  I feel energized by my work there.  I love being able to do play therapy and not be worried about if insurance will cover it.  I love not worrying about "production" or completing the long list of assessments due for the kids.  I won't miss the "drama and politics" of community mental health.  I won't miss an hour plus of commuting to work... but I will miss this place...  I will miss these little people... I will miss being on this team.

Today is a day of mixed emotions.  I wish it was a sigh of relief and I could sneak out at the end of the day and simply be content that it's over. But I'll be honest, I am full of mixed emotions.  I know I did some good work here, and I wish I had the chance to do more good work.  I wish it was easier to be everything professionally and still be a good mom.   I wish I could work 13 hour days with endless energy and still have time to be with the baby.  But my little person won't be little very long and I want to be a mom to her instead of being a "make up mom" for these little people at school.  I am selffish that way, that I don't want to share her with a stranger and daycare.  I want her "first" stories.  I want to read, know her favorites, and be with her snuggling at nap time. I want long walks to the park and trips to target.  I don't want to be a weekend warrior mom who tries to do everything fun in 48 hours of "free time".  I want her to know that she is my world and I will do anything for her.  I want her to see you can reach your goals (before you turn 30 if you want to).  I want to have my dream of being a successful business owner.  I want to have the ability to provide good clinical care.  I want all these things so much.... ugh...

Today is a messy, unsettled, sad goodbyes kind of day.  I am realizing I can't do it all.  Having a baby has made me realize I can't work 12 hours a day anymore 5 days a week with some Saturday morning sessions just for fun.  I have to find balance.  And thus I feel like in a way I am saying goodbye to my "old self".  The self who "did it all" and "took it all upon myself to be the best".  I am putting her on a shelf for a bit.  I am going home to my little person.  She'll only be little a little while, and until she gets on that school bus herself and says, "bye mom, have a good day", then I will just work on being mom and a "part-time" therapist.  I will work on being part time therapist, full time momma.  I know I won't regret spending more time with her, but I will miss this place, this corner of the world, this portion on my life.   Bye bye little people, bye bye team...  It's been an adventure, a blessing, a journey... another morning has come.. The sun is rising, and I have to keep moving forward.