Valley of the Shadow

They told us when I worked in foster care that you tell post adoptive parents in the process of therapy it normally gets worse before it gets better.  Comforting...?  When I start with families on their journey through therapy, I am sure they never think of letting their child sleep alone in a hospital room trying to keep them from killing themselves.  Kids are funny in the sense that so often we see them as these innocent beings who purely experience joy and play.  Working with children with mental illness is probably most difficult because every day I see students who sometimes hate living.  They find no joy in play, they have no motivation to work, and the world is bad. 

Today, as I admit my fourth child in my career to inpatient, I find myself overcome with the sorrow that parents reflect to me that their child "is really this bad".  I feel drained again.  I know going to the hospital means stability for this child, but then I am overcome with the daily struggles leading up to this decision.  Will this child ever just experience play, friendship, love, and a care-free day?  I am supposed to comfort, guide and counsel my families, but daily I wrestle with my own theological understanding of why children go through such pain.  I struggle to have words.  So I stopped and reflected... the only thing that came was a song by Mark Schultz:

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me
I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

Praying that the Lord carries me through tonight.  I pray he carries my kiddo and their family.  I pray he carries all my kids, their families, the teachers and staff, and all the other therapists and workers coming into the Valley of the Shadow daily....  We are in a battlefield... give us strength to fight again tomorrow.

The Faith of a Mustard Seed

Today is September 11th, and I've spent the past few days really processing the loss and changes in my world view since 2001.  I didn't ever really stop to think about the ripple of lives effected by 9/11 until this year.  Thinking about over 3,000 total people killed, thousands more injured, and millions who lost a friend, parent, sibling, child, mentor, or co-worker just sort of blew me away.  Over the last couple years of working in the mental health, I am always amazed by the power of one person to change someone's life.  Listening to the number of memories shared today on TV of the people lost, I realized just how big the tragedy really was for our country.  Something about it being 10 years ago also made me realize how much time changes things.  The small toddlers who lost their mommy's and daddy's in the attacks were now teens.  And I, a teen when it occurred, am now old enough to counsel high school teens.

I thought about the number of dreams that died that day.  Marriages meant to last until old age, parents who never saw their children grow, and friendships ended without truly saying good bye.  Time does pass quickly, and I am amazing how often I don't stop to think about each life, breath, goal, dream, and opportunity that comes my way.  Many times I am so future focused, I miss the innumerable amazing things in front of me.  Many of my days at work feel like waiting for the clock to hit 5pm, so I can go home.

Today for many moments I stopped to recognize the vastness of each human life.  God really slowed me down to recognize just how big the life in front of me has been, is now, and will continue to be.  Each kiss good bye, drive to work, lunch with a friend, session with a client, phone call to a loved one has meaning in this life no matter how insignificant it feels.  I thought back over the last year and just realized how many amazing moments have led me to this one.   Each human life has the potential for such an amazing long journey, rich with detail.  And I think most of the time we spend our lives waiting for the powerful moments when we forget to realize that it's the small conversation with a friend, a walk with your dog, or a family get together that can forever shape a relationship.

Last Friday, I was fried.  I said to my supervisor that I was not sure my work at my inner city school was really making an impact.  I felt useless, helpless, maybe even a hindrance to the kids growth.  The last four weeks have been a whirl wind of child self injury, impulsiveness, and defiance.  I've felt powerless in a giant world of negativity.  I think I was almost consumed by the darkness, when my supervisor reminded me of my role of planting a seed.  I plant a seed a love, patience, boundaries, care, and protection in each of the lives of my 26 students.  Over the last three years, I have worked with over 200 families in Central Indiana in four locations.  I planted hundreds of seeds.  Hundreds of small moments that I know God will use for his glory.  Not because of me, but because I came to serve in love even in the days when I feel selfish.  I know I could have picked an easier life, but I chose this one because I felt called to give.

So tomorrow I start a day of small moments.  I pray I am intentional with each of them.  I hope I am daily reminded that each comment, hug, high five, encouraging word, eye contact, or suggestion could be what helps someone make it through the day.  When I leave this earth and see Jesus face to face, I can only pray that he looks at me and says, "Look at all those little seeds and how they grew... you couldn't see them up close but now when you step back, here they are".  I think if I learned anything from 9/11, it was the value of one life.  We all have the power to change the world for someone or sometimes many people.  Never forget how much power you have...

Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."