LIfe Lesson: It's Not All About You

I was thinking about what I would want to teach the little bugger that's growing in my stomach.  I work with a lot of kids with mild and moderate behavioral issues at this new school and one of the biggest problems is entitlement.  There are so many kids these days who believe the world literally should revolve around them.  They pee their pants if they get in trouble for kicking a teacher.  They refuse to eat lunch because "they don't like any of the four choices today".  They refuse to do work because it's not fun.  The list goes on and on about all the things they "don't wanna do". 

I remember when I was a kid, my parents had a barrage of sayings.  One of those was "the world doesn't revolve around you, Kerrie".  There was also the selfless sayings of "money doesn't grow on trees", "make sure there is enough to go around", "treat people the way you want to be treated" and "that's not your problem".  This coming from a kid described by her first (and third grade teacher) as a child who "marched to the beat of her own drum", I repeatedly heard the same message from my parents, "It's not all about you".  While at the time, I think I crossed my arms in annoyance, I have come to find out as an adult that my preference and choices are often times limited by everyone no matter where I am.  I don't get to pick my work hours, or where I park my car, or make people believe that sweat pants could be business casual.  I find myself make little huffy puffy noises when my boss reminds me that sending a schedule (that will inevidably change 13 times by Monday) is not really optional.  I try to find victories in the small things, but in reality, I know I have no control...

I get it.  I don't like rules.  I don't like limits.  I test them, but at the same time, children's entitlement has taken a new extreme level of craziness.  Some children are so spoiled these days, they honestly believe they are not wrong for anything they do.  It's a little scary.  I hear many times a day, "my teacher is just mean" or "I didn't REALLY hit that kid, Mrs. Siegl.... well, not that hard, BUT it's not my fault because......"

So as I ponder my end of the day thoughts, I realize if I am going to do anything right as a parent, I want my kid to know, "It's not all about you".  There are other people, other kids, other feelings, other futures and other thoughts that matter.  Not to sound harsh, but I think we make kids our God these days.  400 outsfits, no limit on toys, any snack they choose... I don't even have this kind of luxery and I am an adult.  I think when people teach their kids to have the world, they also teach them the world revolves around them. 

I am going to have make a constant effort to be "real" with this little nugget.  You are NOT that important, even if you are one of the most important things to me.  You do have to care about others, and you do have to compromise.  I hope to be one of those moms with a pouty kid at Kroger who said "No, you can't have chocolate donuts, chocolate milk, and chocolate ice cream because Daddy doesn't even get that much chocolate".  Maybe if they learn to "get over it" by two or three, and the school counselor won't be calling me because my child urinated on the principle after being put in time out.  But I guess we will see...

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Growing up my mom and dad made choices for us (Shannon and I).  Sometimes I would think, "why can't I do that like everyone else?" or "why do my parents want me to do this?", but I am finding that being a parent in America is a more heated controversy of differing opinions than Chick-Fil-A and the GLBT population (ok, maybe equally as controverse).  I think when my mom had me, things weren't so complicated.  Eat what you can, do what you want, and trust that it will all be ok.  They ate lunch meat, cleaned with bleach, drank coffee, didn't workout with baby yoga, and didn't have 800 fancy products registered at 3 different stores.  People got pregnant, did what they could to deal with discomfort, and did not look back. 

I am finding more and more friends who are pregnant or just were.  They all have different beliefs about just about everything.  It's not just about to have an epidural or not, nowadays, there is whole books on birth plans and procedures.  What happened to having a kid, dad cuts the cord, go home and call it a day?  Maybe it's the fact that my little Siegl nugget was a surprise, but I just feel almost frustrated by the amount of obsession that goes around having a baby.  Millions of healthy babies are born every year with parents with poor genetics, poor diet, lack of exercise, alcohol use, improper vitamin balances, etc.  But I suppose if I had a child who had some kind of medical condition I would constantly second guess all the choices I made...  But to what extreme is all this anxious, OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE, rule following a bit over the edge?

Today's world isn't' simple.  Science can make anyone paranoid about germs, genetics, DNA mutations, etc.  So far, I ate lunch meat twice, rarely truly track my caffeine in-take, eat compound complex carbs like it's the only food group on the planet, take Tylenol PM some nights to sleep better, and have a nice little combo pack of meds the days I want to toss my cookies.  Does that make me a bad mom?  As this journey goes on, I realize that my rebellious, "do it my way", march to the beat of my own drum does not just affect me anymore.  Now each choice affects Baby Nugget.  Is this why God gave women the responsibility of bearing children? 

This week will be the 12 week mark.... Out of the woods or so they say of the first trimester, but just starting a long journey of making choices for my kid.  I can't see myself cleaning cloth diapers or always feeding my tot organic veggies.  I don't even eat that way myself.  I say I only want my kid to watch an hour of TV, but sometimes I just like to cancel out a rainy day (or a 110 degree heat index day) and watch movies in my jammies while eating junk food.  I've never been 100% healthy, perfect, or following the rules.  I find the rules I like, I do what I want... and for the first time in my life (except for after getting scolded and grounded) I am seriously thinking about my choices. 

Do I have to lose myself to be a good parent, or is "good" a relative term here?  These little baby books certainly have a lot of advice, and friends (with and without kids) they have lots of advice, too.  Surprisingly, my mom, the one who I thought would be my "baby making coach", has been relatively mellow stressing the fact that I need to chill out, eat what I can, and not worry too much about much of anything.  I suppose I turned out ok... She had some wine, lots of lunch meat, a little caffeine, gained 50 pounds, and delivered me two weeks late.  She let me eat lots of processed foods as a kid and take cans of Surge in my lunch with my pizza lunchable that I heated up in a microwave without proper services of whole grains, veggies and fruit.  She let me run outside without shoes, be exposed to daycare centers, and play in the bath tub until the water was cold and my fingers looks like raisins.  She also read me stories at bedtime until I was seven, snuggled me a lot, let me hug her even if she was super late for work, got up with me when I was coughing in the middle of the night, and came to a few of my school holiday parties.  Sure it wasn't perfect, but it was good for me. 

 

This being a mother thing is scary stuff.  I guess you just wing it, pray it comes out right, and always try your best without losing yourself in the process.  Sounds like my method for life so far, and I guess I can handle that.  I am sure I won't have a perfect kid (Karma shows I deserve a class clown who talks back a lot and never takes no for an answer), but I know one thing for sure, no matter how I choose to do this mommy thing, I know God will help it just work out in that way He always does....

And if not, at least the kid has a grandma who was able to raise two fairly normal kids.... 

Another Transition

Yesterday, I was told that I would be reassigned to another school and leaving my current little charter school.  I had a crazy stressed out last year and was fairly confirmed working with that school was not my long-term career path, but the news of little Siegl coming sort of sped up my urgency to find a job that was not harmful to me emotionally and mentally.  The school atmosphere had dramatically changed since I had started and many of the best teachers were leaving in droves and the remaining ones were contemplating leaving.  It was always a whirlwind of dysfunction when trying to find out what the procedures were, what was happening, and how it would all work out.  The staff and the kids were often stressed and feeling chaotic.  I felt chaotic.  So, after a bit of discussions, my bosses heard me and made a move for me.

Today and tomorrow is the daunting task of telling twenty families I have worked with that I won't be there anymore, and there isn't someone to replace me (at least for the time being).  I have twenty little faces I have gotten used to seeing some for well over a year.  While I only had about seven returning to the school I would be at, I know many of those families will be heart broken.  My job allows families who can barely afford to drive to school to get therapy at school and in classroom support services using their Medicaid insurance (aka, no cost to them), and it allows them monthly access to a psychiatrist if they need it to get the medications that help many of those kids remain in school.  Without those services at their school, the families will need to find a therapist else where.  For some, the extra stressor will mean the child probably won't get therapy, and definitely won't get the supports as often as they were provided.  While my life skills specialist is staying for the time being, it feels sad to know that the relationships I built are coming to a screaming halt.

In one week, I will have already moved in and started meeting a group of new families.  Forty of them to be exact.  I will be in a new school, with new staff, new administration, new support staff, and new everything.  Did I mention how much I hate transitions?  They make me sick to my stomach (more so now that I am preggo).  I don't like the unknown.

I was reading John Ortberg's "The Me I Want to Be" before I went into my meeting.  It talked about holding onto life more softly, even letting go.  In the process of letting go, God will take over and it will all work out and in the process you will feel more at ease.  By asking God to let you let go and focusing on God taking over rather than "trying to be less anxious and more controlled", a gradual release of anxiety and pressure should occur.  So there I lay at midnight last night picturing myself  on a beach with God (I like the long white bearded image in all white with cute Birkenstock sandals).  "Watch the waves, don't I take care of them coming in and out?... and the sun, don't I take care of it rising and falling?" And I realized, God does take care of so many bigger things.  The world doesn't fall apart.  Sure there is brokenness and sure bad things happen, but the bigger picture, don't people in hind sight always have that clarity that "it worked out for a reason" or "there was a lesson learned in the struggle"....

 It reminded me of the new Duke energy commercials lately that talk about they think about all the behind the scenes stuff so the costumer doesn't have to.   I guess that's what, in my middle dream state with Tylenol PM, I was imagining.  That God takes care of the biggest pieces of the world, why couldn't He handle this?  He can handle each child's sadness, each family's stress, He can handle my anxiety, my future, my plans in the next year.  God is able to do immeasurably more than I could even imagine, and I worry???

^{20 "}Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God,"Romans 4:20

Somewhere in the next few days, I have to learn to let go.  I have to trust that this was meant to be.  My time and season was over.  And as much as it hurts and makes me sick to think of the stress that puts on to others, I know things like this happen.  It did when I left my last job in a whim, and it did when I left my grad school caseload.  People transition.  That's life.  If we aren't moving, we aren't growing.  But yet, I still have to remind myself to let go.  Let go.  Let go... Stop the what if's.  Let God handle it.

Ok, deep breath, it's time to make some calls.  I think I will start with the ones who never answer first....