Breathe Deeply...

For the last three weeks, I have been hard at work trying to prove to myself that I was really supposed to be a therapist.  I had a few things confirm this today.  And if anything, I was just able to breathe a little deeper as more weight fell off my shoulders.  My grief about my last job fell away today.  It's the continued journey up the mountain that's causing me to reflect and look at myself in positive ways again.

First of all, I have loved my new job in the school.  The kids are... AMAZING!  They stop by (even the ones I don't work with) to say "hi Ms. Kerrie".  Some ask to see my dinosaurs or cars.  Some ask what a therapist does.  Some want me to know that they will be seeing me because "they have lots of problems to talk about", and some just want to be friendly little people on the look out for love.  A few of the first grade neighbors come by daily (or multiple times a day) to just say hi.  They awkwardly wait at the door, one even knocked today, just to see if I would acknowledge them.  I always turn and say hello followed quickly by "where are you supposed to be?"  Which normally leads to more awkward excuses or them turning and walking back to class.  Occasionally one bravely wanders into my office and attempts to get a lot at my shelf of objects not long before their teacher returns to coax them back into the classroom.  By the age of seven these children have witnessed more than I think I did by high school.  They know all about guns, domestic violence, drugs, rap songs, fighting, slang, and cuss words.  They punch when they are angry, they scream bloody murder, but when they get to my door, they have HUGE smiles, puppy dog lips, and batting eye lashes.  Why?  Because I have toys, and LOTS of them in my office.  Therapy is supposed to be fun, right...

Some of my reminders were more somber.  An old client's parent called at their wits end.  They called me before the new therapist and said I was second to their own parent when they thought, "Who can help me?"  I have not seen this women for over a month and a half.  And I suppose I was surprised when her number popped up on my caller id when I was driving home.  I have nothing to offer but empathy.  I can't change her situation, I can't even make a call to help her, but she still thought of me.  I always second guess my ability to have an impact on families.  I always figure a month after I go people just move on.  Maybe to the next therapist, to a friend, or family member.  But to know I was still a primary support felt pretty amazing in a way.  Maybe after all that time, I did do something...

And finally, after hours of computer problems this week I called my supervisor's supervisor in desperation as after two hours this week I have not been able to register for my pay stub (DAMN PAPERLESS SYSTEMS!!!).  She was sort of unaware of what I had been doing in my schools as I just started last week.  I haven't had much feed back and so after I got my questions answered she asked, "have you had an in-take yet?".  "Oh yes, I have had more than one".  "Two or three," she said.  "Actually, I have had 6 and took on the one open case so that's seven".  "WOW!" she said, "you're doing amazing".  ..... me... I did .... amazing?  Tell me more... just kidding...  I just smiled and said, "well, I'll keep trying my best".  I don't know how the next few weeks will go.  I just needed affirmation.  I told a co-worker that just hours before today.  Probably because I would never just openly seek that from someone, I had to be suckered in by not being able to do everything myself.  In some ways I had felt bad I called at 7pm, and in other ways, I was so glad I did.  Again, I breathed in deeply and was renewed with energy, strength, and encouragement.  It's so good to feel that again.

Maybe I am just lucky or something, but God gave me signs in three's today.  I get little miracles that remind me, "you are here for a purpose".  It feels like fate sometimes.  I wonder why I had to be dragged through the mud first, but I am started to care less and less about that.  I am starting to feel better and better about my abilities.  I am reminded of my spiritual gifts.  I just feel like God is looking down on me.  Saying, "it is good".  It is good that I love these people so much, and for that he loves on me.  I didn't always feel that love where I was before, but now I see it and appreciate it more than I think I could have if I would have just got this job right out of school.  I don't think I could have seen past the endless computer errors and network connections.  I would have been insecure about starting two new programs, about calling half of the school in a couple days, and worried that I wouldn't know how to help.  Today, I felt like the warm sun shined upon my back and I felt one of those "God moments" where maybe just maybe I have a real purpose in this world....