Breathe Deeply...

For the last three weeks, I have been hard at work trying to prove to myself that I was really supposed to be a therapist.  I had a few things confirm this today.  And if anything, I was just able to breathe a little deeper as more weight fell off my shoulders.  My grief about my last job fell away today.  It's the continued journey up the mountain that's causing me to reflect and look at myself in positive ways again.

First of all, I have loved my new job in the school.  The kids are... AMAZING!  They stop by (even the ones I don't work with) to say "hi Ms. Kerrie".  Some ask to see my dinosaurs or cars.  Some ask what a therapist does.  Some want me to know that they will be seeing me because "they have lots of problems to talk about", and some just want to be friendly little people on the look out for love.  A few of the first grade neighbors come by daily (or multiple times a day) to just say hi.  They awkwardly wait at the door, one even knocked today, just to see if I would acknowledge them.  I always turn and say hello followed quickly by "where are you supposed to be?"  Which normally leads to more awkward excuses or them turning and walking back to class.  Occasionally one bravely wanders into my office and attempts to get a lot at my shelf of objects not long before their teacher returns to coax them back into the classroom.  By the age of seven these children have witnessed more than I think I did by high school.  They know all about guns, domestic violence, drugs, rap songs, fighting, slang, and cuss words.  They punch when they are angry, they scream bloody murder, but when they get to my door, they have HUGE smiles, puppy dog lips, and batting eye lashes.  Why?  Because I have toys, and LOTS of them in my office.  Therapy is supposed to be fun, right...

Some of my reminders were more somber.  An old client's parent called at their wits end.  They called me before the new therapist and said I was second to their own parent when they thought, "Who can help me?"  I have not seen this women for over a month and a half.  And I suppose I was surprised when her number popped up on my caller id when I was driving home.  I have nothing to offer but empathy.  I can't change her situation, I can't even make a call to help her, but she still thought of me.  I always second guess my ability to have an impact on families.  I always figure a month after I go people just move on.  Maybe to the next therapist, to a friend, or family member.  But to know I was still a primary support felt pretty amazing in a way.  Maybe after all that time, I did do something...

And finally, after hours of computer problems this week I called my supervisor's supervisor in desperation as after two hours this week I have not been able to register for my pay stub (DAMN PAPERLESS SYSTEMS!!!).  She was sort of unaware of what I had been doing in my schools as I just started last week.  I haven't had much feed back and so after I got my questions answered she asked, "have you had an in-take yet?".  "Oh yes, I have had more than one".  "Two or three," she said.  "Actually, I have had 6 and took on the one open case so that's seven".  "WOW!" she said, "you're doing amazing".  ..... me... I did .... amazing?  Tell me more... just kidding...  I just smiled and said, "well, I'll keep trying my best".  I don't know how the next few weeks will go.  I just needed affirmation.  I told a co-worker that just hours before today.  Probably because I would never just openly seek that from someone, I had to be suckered in by not being able to do everything myself.  In some ways I had felt bad I called at 7pm, and in other ways, I was so glad I did.  Again, I breathed in deeply and was renewed with energy, strength, and encouragement.  It's so good to feel that again.

Maybe I am just lucky or something, but God gave me signs in three's today.  I get little miracles that remind me, "you are here for a purpose".  It feels like fate sometimes.  I wonder why I had to be dragged through the mud first, but I am started to care less and less about that.  I am starting to feel better and better about my abilities.  I am reminded of my spiritual gifts.  I just feel like God is looking down on me.  Saying, "it is good".  It is good that I love these people so much, and for that he loves on me.  I didn't always feel that love where I was before, but now I see it and appreciate it more than I think I could have if I would have just got this job right out of school.  I don't think I could have seen past the endless computer errors and network connections.  I would have been insecure about starting two new programs, about calling half of the school in a couple days, and worried that I wouldn't know how to help.  Today, I felt like the warm sun shined upon my back and I felt one of those "God moments" where maybe just maybe I have a real purpose in this world....

The Ministry of the Mundane

At my favorite girl's breakfast with fellow social workers and ministry leaders, we were discussing the over-arching sadness of working with children in poverty and abuse situations.  We all agreed there is a sense of sadness, and a sense of powerlessness in trying to make a difference.  We talked about the guilt which comes from leaving those families and parts of town to our comfortable lives in the suburbs.  A new house, nice clothes, a working car, food whenever I am hungry, clean water, soap, heat in the winter and air in the summer, cable tv, access to a computer, etc. etc. are all things most people reading this blog take for granted on a daily basis; however, my clients can be without some, most or all of these things at any given time.  Being at my elementary school the first day, I realized this will probably be the case for me just as much as it was in my other job.  And just as I was returning home, a little depressed about my work and inability to change the world completely, I began to read more from "The Life You've Always Wanted".  John Ortberg discussed in order to have a life of meaning we should be engaging in "the ministry of the mundane".

"Jesus took a little child in his arms and said, in effect, "Here's your ministry.  Give yourselves to those who can bring you no status or clout.  Just help people.  You need this little child.  You need to help this little child, not just for her sake, but more for your sake.  For if you don't your whole life will be thrown away on an idiotic contest to see who is the greatest.  But if you serve her- often and well and cheerfully and out of the limelight- then the day may come when you do it without thinking,  "What a wonderful thing I have done".  Then you will begin serving naturally, effortlessly, for the joy of it.  Then you will being to understand how life in the kingdom works".  This might be called "the ministry of the mundane". 


I am learning far more from my kids than I think they learn from me.  While I teach them to use coping skills, they teach me how God designed us to be loved, to feel safe, and what brokenness does to one's sense of stability in the world.  They teach me compassion, empathy, and passion at levels larger than I've ever known.  And even just from a short time of working with these children, I feel myself loving more deeply.  I have worked with kids raped, molested, beaten starved, and neglected, by the people who are supposed to love and protect them most.  I've worked with kids who have never had anyone look out for them or love on them, but no matter how thick of a wall they put up, deep down they are still looking for love.  They still always seem to reach out...

And then I am reminded of just how lucky I am.  God has given me so much; not so I can be embarrassed or feel guilty, but to challenge me to use my gifts (financial, professional, spiritual, etc) to be a light.  I think the key for me will be learning to not be sucked into despair.  This world is broken, but there is hope in Christ.  God has lifted me from my valley's, and He can for each and everyone of these kids.  I want to be reminded daily of the kingdom.  I want to fight the darkness, not run from it.  I was people in that community to know, I will not just give up or get tired.  I will not be moved by their behaviors.  I will not be afraid.  Although my parents sheltered me from so much of this brokenness so I would have a good life, it's through their provision that I have the strength to continue to love despite most people's fear of these kids.  

I realize like in Matthew 9:37 I am one of the few people who find a sense of passion for this work that comes from God.  And the amazing part is that God continues to reveal to me "the harvest" that will fully be revealed some day.  "Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few."  I wish more people knew what they were missing.  Being with these children is life giving, life changing despite how challenging and energy consuming it can be...

What a very powerful but humble job.... a minister of the mundane...  a minister of light, hope and love.  (I wonder how that would look on my resume)....

A Million Pieces

My mom and I once got a 5000 piece puzzle of .... I think it was flowers but maybe a landscape scene.  We attempted to put it together in the dinning room (which was only used for crazy and long-term projects).  My mother, who was always teaching me some useful skill, taught me the "art" of puzzling.  Yes, I said, "art".  "Find the corners, then the edges, then put colors that match together".  For an 8 year old, this seemed like the most unfeasible of tasks.  I remember bending so far down to look at the pieces that I felt like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame.  I worked on that puzzle for hours, days, what seemed like months but was probably just a couple weeks.  I felt frustrated at times and ecstatic at others.  There were moments I swore I lost a piece, and moments I figured we would never finish.  My mom, amidst cooking dinners and cleaning, would pop in with a word of encouragement.  She always managed to take the pile of matching colors and quickly assemble them into larger units.  Bit by bit and day by day, we some how finished that puzzle.  I remember trying to figure out why people enjoy these types of games...

Lately, life has felt like my days are spent trying to master the mega-puzzle.  There are so many pieces and ideas that are needed to be put in order or to be put it together.  My family has their suggestions about how I can be most effective, but there are just moments when I am overwhelmed of all of those millions of pieces that need to come together.  In any given day, I am trying to plan some aspect of a wedding, learn a multifaceted computer billing and medical notation system, work with clients, start two schools programs up, work out, shower, clean my room, do some laundry, keep my car clean, eat healthy.... you get the picture.  My to do list, which now just has to get redone every couple of days, just seems like all of those pieces still left on the side of the table with no place to go.

I am not sure why but sometimes I feel like I set myself up to try and take on the world.  With determination, I often stare at all there is to do and try to figure out the best course of action ("corners, edges, then group").  The corners seem to be: work, Chris, family, and finances.  The edges: faith, friends, working out, diet, wedding.  The groups: keeping things clean, moving, packing, setting up my office, laundry, and everything else.  And while a puzzle's pieces remain fixed once you figure them out, my life is like a puzzle that is in constant threat of falling apart.

The million pieces will soon be but a memory as I will some how master this system at work, I will get married, we will move, and my life will have a sense of normalcy once again.  Until then, I realize I have to figure out a way to give myself permission to put the puzzle up at the end of the day and just relax.  Tonight my mother said, "Rome wasn't built in a day"... my response, "well, it should have been".  Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be where it should be.  Picture Mary Poppins teaching Jane and Michael to snap their fingers and toys go back on the shelves....  However, I know there is something to be said about the process, the journey, the race... whatever you call it.  This puzzle making process of understanding life and living... it is suppose to be that frustrating but exhilarating experience like the puzzle.  I guess today is just one of those moments where my neck hurts, my eyes are tired, and I need to go off and do something else.

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb." -- Winston Churchill

Closing the Door

Finally, my W2 arrived from my old job  (they are early, I know...), but I have been anxiously awaiting this envelop for two reasons.  1. Because I didn't make enough in 2010 to be past the federal poverty line so I actually get all my money back :) and 2: It's the last that I have to deal with my old job, so I get to close the door to that chapter of my life.

Ironically, tomorrow is the first day I am out of training at my new job and going to one of my new schools.  I am nervous: butterflies and all.  I haven't been to high school since I was in high school.  So much has changed with teens since I was there.  There is texting, sexting, and i-poding.  It's normal to dye your hair, pierce your face, get a boob job and have babies before you can drive a car.  I'M OLD!  But yet, it feels like I was just there not that long ago. (At least I know how to blog... that's gotta be sorta hip, isn't it??)  When I was in high school, I thought therapy was for weirdo's with issues (and clearly I wasn't one of those), so I am sure this generation will be tickled pink to hear I will be at their school two days a week.  I got out folders about drug use, pamphlets about teen pregnancy, fun family work books about building self esteem.  OMG!  I am excited!

I met some neat people at my training today.  A woman who works for the company who was a CTS grad (24 years ago) who said it's the best agency to work for in the state.  I also met a therapist I worked with on another case and got a long awaited smile that one of my kiddo's was ok.  And over all, a good sense about my two placements for work continues to roll in through all kinds of experiences and comments from others.  I think I can really handle this.  I can quite honestly say, I really enjoy going to work.  I haven't said that since practicum.  I am so happy the road led down this way.  I am so glad I sense the sun is going to rise.  I think something amazing is going to come out of this.

So tomorrow is my new beginning.  New clients, new office space, new procedures, new in-take format, new paperwork, new outfits, and really, a new me.  My passion for therapy (not just doing social work) is returning.  I am so excited for what God has planned for me.  I feel like a kid knee deep in the sand box ready to build something amazing.  I just know this is a good place for me to be.  God keeps putting person after person in at work who just keeps saying the same thing: "This is a good company, a safe company, and a company that supports their employees".  Keep speaking!!

So here is to closing doors and opening new ones... Tomorrow I return as Ms. Byrnes (or Ms. Kerrie, which ever you prefer).  I CAN'T WAIT!

Finally Going Home

Today I started packing.  About 7 months ago, I moved in with one of my best friends knowing that in less than a year I would be married and moving out.  With the closing date a little over a month away, I decided in my free Sunday afternoon, I would pack the first box.  It's amazing how fast the last seven months have gone.  Looking back, even December sometimes feels like a million miles away, but packing that box was a strange sense of deja vue and I realized I could remember all those times I packed up to move to the next place. Like most people my age, moving has become a regular thing over the last dozen years.  My first move was at age 9, again at age 14, again at 18, and so on and so forth.  I've lived in eight different places since high school.  Sometimes for only a few months, sometimes for a few years.  But as I plan this move there is a sense of relief... this home will be my real home... In college, houses were temporary.  The dorms felt like closets with beds, the sorority was busy and always changing.  My parents house, is, well, my parents, and it hasn't felt like my home since I went to college.  I've lived with other family members, friends, at my school, in a mansion, in China.... but I've never once owned my own space.  But in 44 days, I will get the keys to my home.  MY HOME.  For the first few months, I will be occupying the house alone as Chris finishes his lease out at his apartment.  Then it will be our space.  It's like everything we worked for is finally coming together.

There is something a little more exciting about this move.  It is so much bigger than transition, the next step, etc.  This time, my move means I am starting the beginning of my life with my best friend.  I picture that first day when I take our set of keys and put them in the front door.  I will set my bags down, and for the first time, it will be my space.  I will control the air temperature, when the dishes and laundry are done, where to place the furniture, how the grass is mowed, what color flowers to plant, etc etc etc.  And while I know a huge amount of responsibility is going to come with owning such a big house, there is this secret spot in me that is absolutely giddy.

When I was about 5, I started collecting Little Tikes doll houses.  First, I got the blue roofed family house complete with the furniture, a van, a family, and working closet under the stairs.  The kitchen had a deck that pulled out and a dangling kitchen light.  The mattresses were made of this yellow foam and I would cover them with colored Kleenex to look like sheets.  For my next birthday, I got the pink roofed grandparent's house. It was a bit smaller (as there were only two residents and the family cat) but it contained more furniture.  Next, I saved up my money for the stable.  It was a mint green roofed barn with horses, fences, and riders.  Combined with all of my other small figurines, I began to create a city of families.  I set them all up under my loft bed and played for hours with the light from a desk lamp.  I think sometimes I got lost in pulling all of the toys out of the buildings and then putting them back in.  I made up stories about life and some how in my own little world I felt this sense of joy and excitement in all of the possibilities these tiny houses had to offer.

I still think about that as I am completing the registries, picking out furniture and appliances, and driving by the house on Salem Drive.  There are so many possibilities, so many choices, and for once, I get to plan it all out (with my future hubby of course).  So much has changed in the last 30 days.  One month ago, I could barely breathe, and now I feel life has become almost magical.  I know it won't always feel this way, so I am trying to enjoy it.  I feel like I am finally going home... to my real home... the one I always dreamed about....

We must be dreaming

For an hour this morning, a new coworker and I started to talk about our horror stories of mental health agencies.  Her story was about 10 years longer and much more depressing.  She worked her way up a ladder of leadership only to find that even at the top, it was still miserable.  It seems that, for the most part, agencies do take advantage of clinicians.  I am not sure if it is like that in all areas of health care, but for mental health in a social service context you are basically taken advantage of (for a cheap rate no less).  We had both been burned in the field and were sitting alone before another day of training.  But this morning we both discussed with one another just how odd it feels to be working for a company who tells you to have good boundaries and to only work until you meet your requirements (which are more than manageable).  As much as I would like to think maybe they are lying, even the seasoned clinicians who have been there have said how satisfied they are with their jobs.  It just feels like I am dreaming...

Could I just happen to be one of 80 lucky clinicians in central Indiana to find this job with the benefits of an agency with the flexibility I desire?  We thought we were both too lucky...

It got me thinking about how people spend so much of their lives at work.  You pour your heart and soul into it, and it almost feels like more of your life than family and other activities sometimes.  I think I truly enjoy having good boundaries at my job.  I feel like I got my life back.  I don't have nightmares anymore where I wake up in panic.  I am falling asleep in a few minutes each night and sleeping soundly.  I feel more energetic and upbeat.  I feel motivated to do more.

It's amazing how what you choose to expose yourself to can have such an impact on your life.  I feel like I have said this in a number of entries, but it just keeps striking me how much we have to take care of ourselves and find where we are really meant to be.  I definitely see myself at Cummins for a long season of life.  I am excited to be around so many uplifting people.  I am excited to already feel apart of a community.  I really feel good about this.  Now, I am ready to close that door that seems to haunt me from my past.  My coworker described it as her own form of trauma that she didn't realize was so bad until she got out.  I think I am realizing the impact of the last six months now that I am experiencing joy, passion and self-confidence (slowly) but once again.  It reminds me of grad school when teachers and supervisors filled my heart with kind words and positive affirmation about my work with clients.  I have come from cloud 9 to the depth of my trenches and now am back in the sun again.  I am ready to move forward into the future.  I would like to stop dwelling on that traumatic past, and look into the road ahead.  I just hope these thoughts stay with me about the importance of taking care of me.  I never want to lose myself again.  Not for anyone, anything, or any job....   It just feels like I must be dreaming...

The Crazy Wedding Dream

Last night while I was trying to get my 8 hours of beauty rest, I had a crazy dream.  So crazy, I remember infinite details about this dream.  The dream was about my wedding day.  And if this isn't a metaphor for my life right now, I am not sure what is...

The dream started the day of the wedding.  We were checking into the hotel rooms and going to get ready.  There were other weddings going on that day.  There were other brides and their parties, and they had it all together.  They looked beautiful and their reception rooms were all in place.  They had the bigger rooms and more elaborate tablescapes.  I was still content with mine, but I began to worry what everyone else would think. But then I realized I needed to find my room.

Or so I thought.  The next portion of the dream I went up and down the elevator trying to find the room with the number on my key.  I went up and down a number of times and got into certain rooms and realized they weren't the right ones.  I don't think I ever found the room to lay my stuff down.

So I decided I would take a shower in someone else's room.  People kept popping in on me and it made me uncomfortable and embarrassed.  I remember saying, "can't you all just leave me alone?"  Then I made my way, still not in my wedding dress, downstairs.  The guys were all ready but their tuxes came in wrong so they were wearing what appeared to be like a Robin Hood-like tights (in Tiffany's Blue) and white shirts that were puffy and airy.  The girls dresses turned yellow with little white flowers on them.  (I think any bride would have flipped out by now)... But in the dream I just kept thinking, "eh oh well, I can't change it".  The girls were getting their hair done and it looked like a peacock, but again I said, "ugh I don't like this, but there is nothing I can do".  I remember the last part of the dream was I was so upset on the inside I just thought, I will go back in and get ready.  It will just have to be ok.  I have to trust it will work out.

Inside the hustle and bustle had died down.  I saw Chris and I ran to him.  (He of course, was already in his tux and looked amazing).  We hugged, and it ended.... I woke up...

I could make the ties for the metaphor for you, but for those that know my life right now, it's pretty spot on to how I feel.  There is all this mess, but when I look back inside myself, I know what really matters is right how it should be.  I think I am pretty lucky that amongst all of this helter skelter there is a handsome, very tall, and supportive man waiting to marry me.  No matter how messy, chaotic and crazy my life is right now (despite all of my neurotic tendencies to want to keep it together).

Fragile Shell

Toward the end of training today, I started to realize just how off I still feel from my last job.  After months of empty threats, broken promises, and no support, I realize just how big of a hit my self-confidence took on a professional and personal level while working in a negative environment for six months.  Today, in day two of training, I could not seem to fully grasp our super intense software program and style of treatment planning.  It was similar to my work at CTS, but it had some changes that were really quite hard for me to get.  The goal was to form objectives in a solution-focused way, but all I could think about were the problems.  Immediately, my body temperature rose.  I felt like I was back in Dr. Miller's theology class when I was caught frogging around on my computer (aka watching family guy on hulu) and without a book: naked and crazily embarrassed.  As my treatment plans were dissected in front of the training group, I felt like that ignorant, newly graduated therapist that I was told I was in my first job.  I immediately felt like maybe I was not cut out for it, again.

And then, I just sort of froze.  What is happening to me?  I used to be so confident and willing to keep fighting to learn.  And then it set in, I felt like a failure before I even started.  I knew I needed to go home and re-center, but the supervisor saw I was struggling, too.  I think it was because I started the day full of life, but by the end I just kept saying, "I just don't get how this relates to that" and then the blank stare.  But then, instead of being belittled or made to feel stupid, she said, "you know, you're really bright, but I think you're way too hard on yourself.  You have got to give your self like 6 months to feel really good about this stuff.  I think once you get to the schools you're going to be amazing".  "WHAT?" I thought... "me hard on myself??" (Funny, I still focused on the problem...)   I started to check for angel wings on her back.  Granted it was the first day of my period so I was already an emotional train wreck, but for once a boss built me up rather than tearing me down and I felt like overwhelmed with joy and understanding and comfort.  She asked why I felt like I needed to know it all in two days... Why... why....

I was going to just say that's just how I am (a little OCD and neurotic), but I realized that my ability to extend grace to myself (which was already a struggle before my last job) completely went down the toilet over the last six months.  Before I might be annoyed, but now I just felt down right defeated.  DAMN positive thinking techniques that I can't seem to get to work for me!!! I wanted to tell her it was just me, but I knew that the truth was I was not someone who feels defeated, I am a fighter (NOT A QUITTER!)

So instead, I told her a brief snip-it of why I came to Cummins after only six months some where else.  After two sentences, she reached out and hugged me and said, "it's a good thing you got out of there, no one deserves to be treated like that".  Again, seriously... angel?  I have been so worried, so scared, and so anxious that this job would be another failure, that I would be made to feel incompetent because maybe I really am.  Instead, she told me that I was incredibly approachable, warm, and easy to talk to.  She made me blush and again, she reached out and to hug me and said, "I think you'll really like it here".  I was thinking... "you think... I already know now".

I realized today my once tough egg is now an extremely fragile shell.  But on the outside, I am still doing well, still functioning.  I think I just have to relearn to trust my ability.  She said it would take like 18 months to heal from my crappy job experience and the lack of support I had.  18 months from now, I will be married over a year, living in a house, almost a licensed clinician, and 27 years of age.  That's a long time to regain confidence.  But I suppose considering all that's occurred, maybe it's not so crazy after all.  It's amazing that so much damage was done in about five months of time.  But the damage doing is done, and now I need to rebuilt the wall.  I have to reconstruct myself with new meanings (going very post-modern after my training).  I need to remember that the negative people I worked with were a couple of 7 million people in the world.  Today however, one person made a difference for me in 10 minutes.  One person can really make a difference, can really bring hope, peace and joy ... in 10 minutes.  That gives me hope that maybe the last six months were not a waste, but maybe just maybe, I made a difference.  Thank God for a new beginning...  I pray that God redeems my work for his glory.  I pray he uses me to be a light.  And maybe through my own journey, I will see true glory in his people, too.  I know today was a little bit of what's to come.  Again I say, I am so blessed.

God will use whatever he wants to display his glory. Heaven and stars. History and nations. People and problems.

Max Lucado

Dancing and Celebration

I hope 2011 is my year of jubilee.  New house, marriage, new job, and  the beginning of a bright life with Mr. Siegl.  It took about 3 hours of live home search for Chris and I to look at one another and agree that 6591 Salem Drive was the one.  This being said, I did not mention that my real estate agent announced she had seen I had logged into her website 368 times in the last 6 months or so....  (so, I like to look at houses).

I didn't know it was THE ONE, but the price kept dropping bit by bit.  An agent had bought the home as an investment and then redid it.  He put it on the market but the market just did not pull people to the house.  I watched it since November thinking it seemed to be a great buy.  An Estridge home is a good builder, but I never thought I would find one we could afford.  I just kept my eyes peeled and we drove around neighborhoods.  In about November, we had a few locations we wanted to live.  When I sealed my new job, I knew just where to look.  We balanced budgets, looked at savings, and then talked to the agent.

It went so fast, and  it's not quite ours yet.  There's an inspection and everything sort of rides on that.  The house was built in 1992, so behind that pretty fresh coat of paint could be any slew of issues.  I will pray that that's not the case.  But after this week, well, I think everything I have ever prayed for and asked God for in my life is coming to pass.

It's January 1, 2011, and in the last 16 days my world has flipped upside down (and spun round and round).  I was trying to figure out when I would get out of frustration and disappointment, but now I feel like it's a day of jubilee.  A "dee-dah day" where you dance and celebrate.  I am now reading, "The Life You Always Wanted" by John Ortberg.  After realizing I was still wonderful from reading "I Am Not Wonder Woman, but God Made Me Wonderful", I decided I need to keep growing closer to God and finding a way to keep staying close to His path for my life.  Ortberg discusses one of our spiritual disciplines should be "celebration".  His daughter used to dance around the living room spontaneously singing "de-dah-de-dah".  He discussed how as Christ followers we have to celebrate the joys and blessing God gives us each day and often time we are only concerned with the negatives.  It's not that I forget that often, but for awhile I don't think I have really been allowing myself to fully celebrate.  When I graduated everyone was so excited, but I was like... "ok what's next?"  I wouldn't call myself an Eeyore, but I guess I was always so worried about crossing the next bridge, I don't just normally stop to celebrate.

2011: My year of dancing, celebration, de-dah-ing, and being thankful for the blessings.  I am SO SO SO SO SO SO blessed.  I have my dream life (with a few interesting twists along the way).  Every day should be a dee-dah day as far as I am concerned.  Maybe just for a season, but in this season, I think I should celebrate.  Good health, love, support, friendship, hope, grace, faith, and so much more.  God said to me in church today....   

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." (John 15:7)..  

My response is best said by Paul Baloche in the song lyrics:

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here broken, you made me whole
You have been so good
You have been so good
You have been so good to me

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here morning,
You gave me joy
You have been so good
You have been so good
You have been so good to me

How can I thank you
There is just no way
How can I thank you
No way how could I to pay
For your kindness
For your tenderness
For your custom presence here with me

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here broken, you made me whole
You have been so good
You have been so good
You have been so good to me

Lord How can I thank you
There is just no way
How can I thank you
No way how could I to pay
For your kindness
For your tenderness
For your custom presence here with me

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here broken, you made me whole
You have been so good
You have been so good
You have been so good to me