D-Day

Today's the day... the last day of working at my first job.  I slept like a baby last night but still woke up tired and grumpy.  After a long shower and the realization of what today really is, I started to smile a little more.  Freedom, deliberation, and new beginnings.  I am not sure if I have ever had this combination of emotions as I never have really quit anything to just be "free".  Normally, I put my head down and stick it out because I like to finish things,  but today is a new feeling.

I realized how much of my life got consumed by a job, and I hate that.  The one thing I always said in grad school is "I want a job, not a lifestyle".  I don't have to be a therapist every waking moment, and I should not be worried about my clients in my sleep!  But the last six months has shown me what little support/supervision and little training for my job can do to me.  From Sunday night until Friday afternoon, I had clients on my mind.  I dreamed about them, thought about them in the morning before I went to the appointments, during the evenings at their appointments, and after the appointments from the car ride until I was trying to go to sleep.  After awhile, I forgot about friends, forgot about hobbies, and forgot about things I once did.  It was like everything I really loved was replaced by the people's lives that I could not help.  The children's abuse that I could not take away.  Their stories, their faces, their new parent's faces would stick in my mind like a blister.  You can't make a blister stop hurting once it's formed, you have to wait for it to heal.  The more you try to just be yourself with a blister, the more pain you feel.  I felt sad, lonely, depressed, and isolated.  By October, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of souls I could not help.  I kept wondering how did all of this change in six months.  I was doing so well at CTS.  I had families who I could help, a passion for what I was doing, and a drive to do more.  I knew things were missing that I once had before.  I wanted a job... I didn't want to lose myself.

So it's sorta deliberating, sort of depressing to be preparing to go into work for the last time today.  I stand being freed from the last 6 months of negativity, but I am left changed.  Now begins the process of reclaiming myself.  The next 18 days after today, my mission will be to find my confidence, my passion, and my love of helping others again.  In the next 18 days, I hope to regain courage and strength to start all over again.  But today, all I have to do is grin and bear it.  Ever have those days?  The ones you just suffer through to make it to the next?  I just keep walking up that mountain, and some day soon I will see the sun rise...