As I sit listening to Christmas music while looking at pictures of puppies, my wedding flowers, and thinking about the future, I become enthralled with all of the warm emotions that have been missing for awhile. My chest is no longer tight, and I feel giddy. (I guess two weeks of vacation will do that to you). It's not that the last six months of time have been horrible because there were some really awesome things that did happen, but since, I've been out of my first job, I recognize just how suffocated I was becoming.
It reminded me of my high school health class. We were talking about the long-term effects of smoking and our teacher (Doc Franciosi) handed to us a straw. In order to understand what it was like to have emphysema, we were to place the straw in our mouth like a scuba tube, plug our nose with our hand, and only breathe through the straw. Within seconds, I remember thinking this is really hard. Then he asked us to stand up and jump up and down ten times. I kept breathing through the straw, but, eventually, I unplugged my nose and ripped the straw out of my mouth. I took a huge deep breath and thought to myself, "why would anyone put themselves through this?" Immediately, I thought of my dad and grandma who have smoked over a pack a day for 50+ years each. I promised myself, not only would I not smoke, but I would be aware of the effects of things on my body including drugs, medicines, stress, etc.
I kept this mentality in grad school constantly talking about how my foundational beliefs for health and wellness came from the idea of centering yourself and finding balance. I talked to clients about find balance because a stretching rubber band pulled into many different directions eventually snaps. Looking back only four days ago, I felt like snapping when I was at work and often throughout the weekends and evenings. I am not sure what all made me feel that way, but so often, I think God closes doors or causes tension so we can move to where we are meant to be. I learned from that tension and experienced it in the same way I experienced that lesson with the straw... "whenever you can't seem to breathe, rip away all barriers that keep you from feeling your best". I know that for my sanity, my sense of self, and my purpose in my work I needed to leave. It's only been a short time, but the remorse and sadness for quitting dies a little more each day. I only grieve the loss of relationships with a couple amazing co-workers and causes one more loss to children who have lost more than most will ever know. However, since I quit, I can breathe again... I am starting to feel like myself again. Sleeping only eight hours and feeling rested is probably the first sign I am on my way back to me. I do not feel that tightening in my chest at any point in the day that was a mixed feelings of panic attack and indigestion. I haven't had a migraine in days. I feel hopeful and want to make decisions. I think the cloud has lifted... I am taking in a breath of fresh air.
Some people work in the industry so long in jobs they hate just to pay the bills. They grumble over their lunch breaks to anyone who will listen, barrage their family with their stress and annoyances, and constantly complain. They can't breathe but they refuse to just let go. Sometimes we are meant to leave or back away, and not everything is about "fighting through" or "toughing it out". I have a few people in my life who seem to fit this bill, and I keep thinking, "why stay? Life's too short to not work at something you have passion for?" I know some people don't have a choice about the perfect job, but there are good fits and bad ones. I know very few people, conversely, who walk in shoes that constantly cause blisters, eat foods that make them sick, or live near people they can't stand... so why work a job you don't enjoy?
New vow to self: Find a place to breathe, a place to live, a place to run, a place to serve, and a place to love with joy, peace, and passion.
I am not saying to hide away in a plush palace of joy and ignorance to the world and people, but just finding a place where I can serve and be served. A one way vessel eventually runs dry, and I want to be renewed day by day as I renew others. I think God designed the system that way. God closed one door for me by cutting off my breath, pulling my carpet out from under me, and shaking my cage, but in that, I am finder how to live more deeply.
Like in James 1:2-4, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I am just trying to get closer and closer to the life God has planned for me, even if that means finding a little more room to breathe...
No comments:
Post a Comment