A Beautiful Letdown

So here I sit, the last day at my desk.  The clock is moving slower than molasses...  I have little to do, so I've been house hunting, confirming appointments for the wedding, and planning out the next 18 days.  My desk is empty where as it used to have an array of pictures, a cute lamp from IKEA, toys and art supplies, files galore, and inspirational quotes.  It feels lifeless.  One person, my friend, Emily, has said she will miss me.  Everyone else goes about their work like I never existed.  This is not anything different than any other day.

I think about all the transitions I've made in the last five years.  Leaving Purdue, moving home, going to seminary, moving to Indy, becoming a therapist, leading small groups, being a resident manager, graduating, moving again, getting engaged, starting my first job: so much change.  I have become accustomed to celebrating change with a sense of accomplishment and peace.  Today as I stare at three blank walls in my cubicle, it feels like a beautiful letdown.  Switchfoot wrote this song called "A Beautiful Letdown", and as I sit here, I see it's the perfect words to describe this experience.  Here's the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYxFEFklMPA):

"Beautiful Letdown"

It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?


I don't belong here, and the realization that I will never fully belong anywhere but with Christ is the beautiful letdown lesson.  I know I look back fondly of past jobs and transitions, but when I really think back, they were beautiful letdowns, too.  Nothing is perfect in this life because we belong with our great God, who won't let us down.  On earth, we will be let down, disappointed, and feel uncomfortable.  It's funny, because while it's refreshing to hear that I will see the sunrise when I finally am with Jesus, that means for the rest of my life, I will be waiting for the sun to rise!!!!! 

Oh boy...   This is going to be one hell of a hike.  So, truth is, I got to find some sense of meaning, purpose, and drive.  I am just beginning the journey.  I know there's a purpose to the journey, a reason to live and love despite this beautiful let down.  I think I know what some of those moments look like for me, maybe you, too:

-When I see the sunset across the water and the world goes still, I know God made this all.
-When I look at a grain of sand, I realize my life is this small in God's eyes, yet, he knows every last detail about me.
-When I see a newborn baby snuggle next to her mother and I see the joy in her eyes and the experience of true connection.
-When I look at my future husband, and I am overcome with emotion about just how lucky and blessed I am to have him in my life.
-When I meet an amazing group of friends for coffee and they bless me with love, wisdom, and encouragement.
-When the pastor speaks, and I feel like God's talking to me.
-When a family I work with tells me something and I respond with what seems to be someone else's words, and we just connect.
-When I watch the snow fall, and I am reminded that my grace is as pure as snow.
-When I zoom out in my detail oriented thinking, and remember that my purpose is far greater than one job, one boss, or one agency.
-When I realize that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the Universe". 

Then I know... the journey for the Rising Sun is far worth it....