They told us when I worked in foster care that you tell post adoptive parents in the process of therapy it normally gets worse before it gets better. Comforting...? When I start with families on their journey through therapy, I am sure they never think of letting their child sleep alone in a hospital room trying to keep them from killing themselves. Kids are funny in the sense that so often we see them as these innocent beings who purely experience joy and play. Working with children with mental illness is probably most difficult because every day I see students who sometimes hate living. They find no joy in play, they have no motivation to work, and the world is bad.
Today, as I admit my fourth child in my career to inpatient, I find myself overcome with the sorrow that parents reflect to me that their child "is really this bad". I feel drained again. I know going to the hospital means stability for this child, but then I am overcome with the daily struggles leading up to this decision. Will this child ever just experience play, friendship, love, and a care-free day? I am supposed to comfort, guide and counsel my families, but daily I wrestle with my own theological understanding of why children go through such pain. I struggle to have words. So I stopped and reflected... the only thing that came was a song by Mark Schultz:
I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me
I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me
Praying that the Lord carries me through tonight. I pray he carries my kiddo and their family. I pray he carries all my kids, their families, the teachers and staff, and all the other therapists and workers coming into the Valley of the Shadow daily.... We are in a battlefield... give us strength to fight again tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The Faith of a Mustard Seed
Today is September 11th, and I've spent the past few days really processing the loss and changes in my world view since 2001. I didn't ever really stop to think about the ripple of lives effected by 9/11 until this year. Thinking about over 3,000 total people killed, thousands more injured, and millions who lost a friend, parent, sibling, child, mentor, or co-worker just sort of blew me away. Over the last couple years of working in the mental health, I am always amazed by the power of one person to change someone's life. Listening to the number of memories shared today on TV of the people lost, I realized just how big the tragedy really was for our country. Something about it being 10 years ago also made me realize how much time changes things. The small toddlers who lost their mommy's and daddy's in the attacks were now teens. And I, a teen when it occurred, am now old enough to counsel high school teens.
I thought about the number of dreams that died that day. Marriages meant to last until old age, parents who never saw their children grow, and friendships ended without truly saying good bye. Time does pass quickly, and I am amazing how often I don't stop to think about each life, breath, goal, dream, and opportunity that comes my way. Many times I am so future focused, I miss the innumerable amazing things in front of me. Many of my days at work feel like waiting for the clock to hit 5pm, so I can go home.
Today for many moments I stopped to recognize the vastness of each human life. God really slowed me down to recognize just how big the life in front of me has been, is now, and will continue to be. Each kiss good bye, drive to work, lunch with a friend, session with a client, phone call to a loved one has meaning in this life no matter how insignificant it feels. I thought back over the last year and just realized how many amazing moments have led me to this one. Each human life has the potential for such an amazing long journey, rich with detail. And I think most of the time we spend our lives waiting for the powerful moments when we forget to realize that it's the small conversation with a friend, a walk with your dog, or a family get together that can forever shape a relationship.
Last Friday, I was fried. I said to my supervisor that I was not sure my work at my inner city school was really making an impact. I felt useless, helpless, maybe even a hindrance to the kids growth. The last four weeks have been a whirl wind of child self injury, impulsiveness, and defiance. I've felt powerless in a giant world of negativity. I think I was almost consumed by the darkness, when my supervisor reminded me of my role of planting a seed. I plant a seed a love, patience, boundaries, care, and protection in each of the lives of my 26 students. Over the last three years, I have worked with over 200 families in Central Indiana in four locations. I planted hundreds of seeds. Hundreds of small moments that I know God will use for his glory. Not because of me, but because I came to serve in love even in the days when I feel selfish. I know I could have picked an easier life, but I chose this one because I felt called to give.
So tomorrow I start a day of small moments. I pray I am intentional with each of them. I hope I am daily reminded that each comment, hug, high five, encouraging word, eye contact, or suggestion could be what helps someone make it through the day. When I leave this earth and see Jesus face to face, I can only pray that he looks at me and says, "Look at all those little seeds and how they grew... you couldn't see them up close but now when you step back, here they are". I think if I learned anything from 9/11, it was the value of one life. We all have the power to change the world for someone or sometimes many people. Never forget how much power you have...
Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."
I thought about the number of dreams that died that day. Marriages meant to last until old age, parents who never saw their children grow, and friendships ended without truly saying good bye. Time does pass quickly, and I am amazing how often I don't stop to think about each life, breath, goal, dream, and opportunity that comes my way. Many times I am so future focused, I miss the innumerable amazing things in front of me. Many of my days at work feel like waiting for the clock to hit 5pm, so I can go home.
Today for many moments I stopped to recognize the vastness of each human life. God really slowed me down to recognize just how big the life in front of me has been, is now, and will continue to be. Each kiss good bye, drive to work, lunch with a friend, session with a client, phone call to a loved one has meaning in this life no matter how insignificant it feels. I thought back over the last year and just realized how many amazing moments have led me to this one. Each human life has the potential for such an amazing long journey, rich with detail. And I think most of the time we spend our lives waiting for the powerful moments when we forget to realize that it's the small conversation with a friend, a walk with your dog, or a family get together that can forever shape a relationship.
Last Friday, I was fried. I said to my supervisor that I was not sure my work at my inner city school was really making an impact. I felt useless, helpless, maybe even a hindrance to the kids growth. The last four weeks have been a whirl wind of child self injury, impulsiveness, and defiance. I've felt powerless in a giant world of negativity. I think I was almost consumed by the darkness, when my supervisor reminded me of my role of planting a seed. I plant a seed a love, patience, boundaries, care, and protection in each of the lives of my 26 students. Over the last three years, I have worked with over 200 families in Central Indiana in four locations. I planted hundreds of seeds. Hundreds of small moments that I know God will use for his glory. Not because of me, but because I came to serve in love even in the days when I feel selfish. I know I could have picked an easier life, but I chose this one because I felt called to give.
Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Forever Changed...
I dated a guy in college named Mike. We met after I lost the first love of my life at a party. I was lost by his eyes, smile and kindness. I was hurting and lost, trying to pick up the pieces of my life and figure out who I was. Mike admitted that college and life in general was leaving him to wonder he was, too. We spent hours in coffee shops talking about all that felt wrong, what it would be like to have it together, and the pain life brings. Then we would spend more time in the formal living room at Phi Mu, he playing piano and I listening. We talked about God, church, love, friendship, family, and dreams. For two months we were very close, and I think I shared more time in real close conversation with him than I have with many of the people in my life I call close friends.
In my pain, friends wrapped around me and helped me to realize that dwelling in my pain was not going to solve it. I had to choose a life of searching for joy or being swallowed by sorrow. I realized that I was not over the first boyfriend, ended things with Mike, and tried to heal myself without just moving on to the next thing. Mike was stunned but quietly agreed we both needed to find peace, not fall into a co-dependent relationship. He backed out quietly, and I just always trusted he would find his own peace in his own process.
A few days ago, I got a text message that Mike was dead. Little details led me to wonder what had happened. Over the last six years, Mike had stayed in touch. It was like a seasonal check up that normally left me worried, sad, and wishing more for him. I had found my peace, found passion, love and joy again, but he was still lost in his own grief and sadness. He couldn't find the source of his pain and his anxiety that over took him through panic attacks and then bouts of severe depression. He started living other lifestyles and constantly told me that he felt lost and unsure. I kept telling him that he needed a therapist, a medication evaluation, but I never followed through to be more persistent even though I knew he needed one badly.
Last night I had a dream, a nightmare that brought me wide awake today. Michael was in my dream desperate, panicked, and upset. In the final moments of the dream, he was curled up on the floor crying that he just felt lost. Again, I felt hopeless. See a year ago, Michael reached out to me more desperate than ever before. He had said his panic attacks were occurring more frequently, and he kept apologizing to me for his lifestyle change. He asked about how I felt about his lifestyle and if I judged him. I told him that I didn't judge him. By the end of our conversation, I remember thinking that he was not in a good place. While he was on my mind the rest of the day, I never reached out. I was engaged to be married and I was more worried about what my fiance would think about me talking to him than I was about Mike's safety. At the time I felt like my hands were tied, but now I just feel like I abandoned him.
I think God places people in your life for a reason. We have an web of connection with people. We can be each other's strength, sometimes we have to let others go, and the discernment to know when to do that is so hard but so precious. As a therapist, I felt a desire to reach out, but ethically bound not to play a role that I shouldn't have. And honestly, I was so wrapped up in me, my wedding, and my new life, that I selfishly closed Mike out of my mind that July afternoon. When someone tells you that you're the one person they feel safe talking to, you should never trust their just being nice to you or over exaggeration. Today, I have a sense of wonderment and regret: along the journey, did I forget to help someone reaching out because it wasn't a pre-planned part of my day? And if I did this to him, how many other people have I turned a blind eye to so that I could keep serving me? See I left that last conversation with him because my co-worker wanted to go to lunch when I really had no set lunch break. We ate Quizno's while Mike pondered everything in his life. I had left him twice in big ways to say I was too busy or that I cared more about me and my needs than his. Would he still be here if I had given him more of my time?
I pray that everything that is said about death in the Christian faith is not true some days. This world is so broken, so painful, and so hard that it feels ironic that the God of love would punish us for getting lost in it. And maybe God should be more upset with our selfishness when those who are lost ask for our help and we turn a blind eye. How many times are there people that we know, love, and see crying out for help and we simply roll our eyes and move on? Facebook posts talking about giving up, people lost in drugs and alcohol abuse, kids with marks and bruises or hungry, clanging cups for change downtown, dirty hands looking for water, for hope and bread... There are so many moments in my day where I just push past all those along the side line reaching out because I'm tired, I'm frustrated or I'm wrapped up in me. No matter how much love and joy there is in this life, no matter how much you love the Lord and worship, there is still an endless stream of pain and sorrow that keeps moving and rolling through. We can hide our eyes to it to save ourselves from sorrow, but it is still there.
I am left changed today. The ending of Mike's life has forever changed mine. He walked out quietly and this time I can only pray for the mercy of what comes after death. Whatever that is... To the God of the universe, the earth, stars, of all of Creation, hear the cries of your people and give them peace....
RIP Michael J. Terlicher.....
In my pain, friends wrapped around me and helped me to realize that dwelling in my pain was not going to solve it. I had to choose a life of searching for joy or being swallowed by sorrow. I realized that I was not over the first boyfriend, ended things with Mike, and tried to heal myself without just moving on to the next thing. Mike was stunned but quietly agreed we both needed to find peace, not fall into a co-dependent relationship. He backed out quietly, and I just always trusted he would find his own peace in his own process.
A few days ago, I got a text message that Mike was dead. Little details led me to wonder what had happened. Over the last six years, Mike had stayed in touch. It was like a seasonal check up that normally left me worried, sad, and wishing more for him. I had found my peace, found passion, love and joy again, but he was still lost in his own grief and sadness. He couldn't find the source of his pain and his anxiety that over took him through panic attacks and then bouts of severe depression. He started living other lifestyles and constantly told me that he felt lost and unsure. I kept telling him that he needed a therapist, a medication evaluation, but I never followed through to be more persistent even though I knew he needed one badly.
Last night I had a dream, a nightmare that brought me wide awake today. Michael was in my dream desperate, panicked, and upset. In the final moments of the dream, he was curled up on the floor crying that he just felt lost. Again, I felt hopeless. See a year ago, Michael reached out to me more desperate than ever before. He had said his panic attacks were occurring more frequently, and he kept apologizing to me for his lifestyle change. He asked about how I felt about his lifestyle and if I judged him. I told him that I didn't judge him. By the end of our conversation, I remember thinking that he was not in a good place. While he was on my mind the rest of the day, I never reached out. I was engaged to be married and I was more worried about what my fiance would think about me talking to him than I was about Mike's safety. At the time I felt like my hands were tied, but now I just feel like I abandoned him.
I think God places people in your life for a reason. We have an web of connection with people. We can be each other's strength, sometimes we have to let others go, and the discernment to know when to do that is so hard but so precious. As a therapist, I felt a desire to reach out, but ethically bound not to play a role that I shouldn't have. And honestly, I was so wrapped up in me, my wedding, and my new life, that I selfishly closed Mike out of my mind that July afternoon. When someone tells you that you're the one person they feel safe talking to, you should never trust their just being nice to you or over exaggeration. Today, I have a sense of wonderment and regret: along the journey, did I forget to help someone reaching out because it wasn't a pre-planned part of my day? And if I did this to him, how many other people have I turned a blind eye to so that I could keep serving me? See I left that last conversation with him because my co-worker wanted to go to lunch when I really had no set lunch break. We ate Quizno's while Mike pondered everything in his life. I had left him twice in big ways to say I was too busy or that I cared more about me and my needs than his. Would he still be here if I had given him more of my time?
I pray that everything that is said about death in the Christian faith is not true some days. This world is so broken, so painful, and so hard that it feels ironic that the God of love would punish us for getting lost in it. And maybe God should be more upset with our selfishness when those who are lost ask for our help and we turn a blind eye. How many times are there people that we know, love, and see crying out for help and we simply roll our eyes and move on? Facebook posts talking about giving up, people lost in drugs and alcohol abuse, kids with marks and bruises or hungry, clanging cups for change downtown, dirty hands looking for water, for hope and bread... There are so many moments in my day where I just push past all those along the side line reaching out because I'm tired, I'm frustrated or I'm wrapped up in me. No matter how much love and joy there is in this life, no matter how much you love the Lord and worship, there is still an endless stream of pain and sorrow that keeps moving and rolling through. We can hide our eyes to it to save ourselves from sorrow, but it is still there.
I am left changed today. The ending of Mike's life has forever changed mine. He walked out quietly and this time I can only pray for the mercy of what comes after death. Whatever that is... To the God of the universe, the earth, stars, of all of Creation, hear the cries of your people and give them peace....
RIP Michael J. Terlicher.....
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Peak of Dawn
Tomorrow is my wedding. The dress is hanging up on the door, my bags are packed, and the rehearsal is over with. Ironically, I think I've worked out most of the anxiety for the night. In silence I sit and think about the day ahead. It's like I know this journey is about to have it's splendor. There is excitement, but this feels like those first few minutes in the dark before the sun comes over the horizon. I know it's coming on it's time and I have an ironic sense of peace about it. This last 13 months has been months of planning and today I crossed off the last of the tasks on theknot.com's to do list.
The hard part is over. The climb, the struggles, the decisions. Now I just have to wait to float down that aisle and marry the man of my dreams. To some that would be anxiety provoking, but for me, it feels like it's just meant to be. I have no doubts going into tomorrow. I feel like I am about to be a little more complete. I am ready to get married. I am ready to finally call Chris my husband.
I am tired, maybe even worn out. Tomorrow will be a long day, but a day of joy. I have pictured it in my head, and like all of my pictures, it will probably be different, but I have a few magical moments when I stop feeling like I could throw up, stop sweating, and just realize the magic, the power, the holiness of the day. Tonight is my solitude with the creator of marriage. I am in awe that I was created and have found a love like this. No where in my life story do I find that I deserve this kind of love, but here I am.... God has been so good to me, and it's about to get better. Now I just wait. The sun is about to rise and I am so close. The splendor of a sun rise or a sun set is so small in comparison to the time in a day. I want to savor it. I want to bask in it. I want to be at peace and attentive to detail and find pure joy in it. This is my sunrise, one of the few in my life.
8 hours from now, the happiest day of my life will begin. There will be storms in life ahead, but tomorrow is my moment in the sun. Once in a lifetime moments have made up a good chunk of the last year: getting a masters, getting engaged, buying a house, and now getting married. This one is the big one. I'm ready, I'm joyful, and I cannot wait to be Mrs. Christopher James Siegl.
The hard part is over. The climb, the struggles, the decisions. Now I just have to wait to float down that aisle and marry the man of my dreams. To some that would be anxiety provoking, but for me, it feels like it's just meant to be. I have no doubts going into tomorrow. I feel like I am about to be a little more complete. I am ready to get married. I am ready to finally call Chris my husband.
I am tired, maybe even worn out. Tomorrow will be a long day, but a day of joy. I have pictured it in my head, and like all of my pictures, it will probably be different, but I have a few magical moments when I stop feeling like I could throw up, stop sweating, and just realize the magic, the power, the holiness of the day. Tonight is my solitude with the creator of marriage. I am in awe that I was created and have found a love like this. No where in my life story do I find that I deserve this kind of love, but here I am.... God has been so good to me, and it's about to get better. Now I just wait. The sun is about to rise and I am so close. The splendor of a sun rise or a sun set is so small in comparison to the time in a day. I want to savor it. I want to bask in it. I want to be at peace and attentive to detail and find pure joy in it. This is my sunrise, one of the few in my life.
8 hours from now, the happiest day of my life will begin. There will be storms in life ahead, but tomorrow is my moment in the sun. Once in a lifetime moments have made up a good chunk of the last year: getting a masters, getting engaged, buying a house, and now getting married. This one is the big one. I'm ready, I'm joyful, and I cannot wait to be Mrs. Christopher James Siegl.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Pebbles and Mountains
As I journey on closer to the wedding, I've started to hit the snares and snarls that every bride with a large wedding describes.... "it was just those last two weeks before the wedding"... "I just couldn't wait for it to be over" etc. etc. The last few days what felt like mountainous climbs on an endless hill have continued to be re-proportioned. While my emotions feel like a nightly tornado sweeping in after business hours sifting through 20 wedding related emails and all the emotions that draw with it, I found myself just caught up and stuck. Devastated in the wake of reality, I think I've taken on a zoomed in notion of what used to be the fun little things I did on a Sunday. I'm not saying I want it all to be over, far from it, I think I just forgot that as I staggered up the mountain, I was simply staring at my feet and I forgot to look around.
It's sort of ironic that for a few days I've been overly consumed by meaningless pebbles getting in the way of watching the rising sun. In the day time, I process sexual abuse trauma, deal with families being evicted, poverty, gang violence, murder, incest, neglect, loss, criminal acts of violence, etc etc etc. With my clients, who are barely standing, much less making progress in walking up the hill, I found myself pouting and tantruming over pebbles.
I used to use a metaphor with foster parents to help them acknowledge the struggle their kids carried. "Imagine yourself with a hiking pack on your journey up a mountain. You find yourself alone climbing up steep terrain, tired, lonely, scared. When you turn to your left and see hundreds of your peers climbing quickly, almost running up the hill. You realize quickly the packs are empty or only contain a few small pebbles of weight. They laugh, smiles, talk with their friends, and enjoy the afternoon hike. Somehow you remember at the beginning of your journey, people placed large rocks, almost boulders in your bag. You carried them believing everyone else carried them, too. While it was hard, you pressed on. People said, "you'll be alright, you have a long journey to climb". So you climbed and climbed. No one understood you, they passed you. People laughed and mocked you for being behind. They ran ahead, not knowing you had so much more weight to carry. Now here you are half way up the mountain. People want to see you move, but they don't realize that you are tired and weighed down. Then a caring motherly figure opens your bag. She sees the boulders covered by your sack and instantly she knows why now you've been so tired. You struggle to hang on or trust that anyone else can carry your weight, so you just press on".
I was taking a shower inside my new shower curtain in my new house. As I plan for my wedding to the man of my dreams. I mentally start to look in my pack. What felt like a full sack is really just pebbles. It's funny that I could mistake the difference in weight, size, or shape compared to my kiddos. Tonight, I have a home I can pay for, groceries to eat, a wedding to plan, a honeymoon to look forward to, health, transportation, family, love, support. I should be running up the mountain carefree and giddy. Who cares about the few pebbles rolling around making noise?
The sun is about to rise. I've been waiting to see it for what seems like forever. I know the hope it brings for a moment that a new beginning is coming. I am just so thankful I am going to have the strength to make it to the top. I am just so thankful that when I was sent on this journey I was privileged with a fairly light pack, shoes to walk in and people to encourage my walk. Please let me be reminded the pebbles are just pebbles compared to the mountains that many climb. Keep me humble and real. Remind me just how much you've blessed me.
It's sort of ironic that for a few days I've been overly consumed by meaningless pebbles getting in the way of watching the rising sun. In the day time, I process sexual abuse trauma, deal with families being evicted, poverty, gang violence, murder, incest, neglect, loss, criminal acts of violence, etc etc etc. With my clients, who are barely standing, much less making progress in walking up the hill, I found myself pouting and tantruming over pebbles.
I used to use a metaphor with foster parents to help them acknowledge the struggle their kids carried. "Imagine yourself with a hiking pack on your journey up a mountain. You find yourself alone climbing up steep terrain, tired, lonely, scared. When you turn to your left and see hundreds of your peers climbing quickly, almost running up the hill. You realize quickly the packs are empty or only contain a few small pebbles of weight. They laugh, smiles, talk with their friends, and enjoy the afternoon hike. Somehow you remember at the beginning of your journey, people placed large rocks, almost boulders in your bag. You carried them believing everyone else carried them, too. While it was hard, you pressed on. People said, "you'll be alright, you have a long journey to climb". So you climbed and climbed. No one understood you, they passed you. People laughed and mocked you for being behind. They ran ahead, not knowing you had so much more weight to carry. Now here you are half way up the mountain. People want to see you move, but they don't realize that you are tired and weighed down. Then a caring motherly figure opens your bag. She sees the boulders covered by your sack and instantly she knows why now you've been so tired. You struggle to hang on or trust that anyone else can carry your weight, so you just press on".
I was taking a shower inside my new shower curtain in my new house. As I plan for my wedding to the man of my dreams. I mentally start to look in my pack. What felt like a full sack is really just pebbles. It's funny that I could mistake the difference in weight, size, or shape compared to my kiddos. Tonight, I have a home I can pay for, groceries to eat, a wedding to plan, a honeymoon to look forward to, health, transportation, family, love, support. I should be running up the mountain carefree and giddy. Who cares about the few pebbles rolling around making noise?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Resting in His Arms
Every time I go to an amusement park or day long activity one of the cutest things I love to see are all the small children passed out about 2pm. Their heads are either hung down in their stroller or rolling off their parents shoulders. They seem lifeless and worn out so much so that all of the noise and excitement is unheard and unseen as they peacefully rest and regain strength for more. It's like the entire morning of sights, sounds, and senses has overwhelmed them to the point they are just worn out. There is no waking a toddler in one of these states as they normally just reposition themselves and return to sleep. I wondered if adulthood ever had those sensory overload times where sleep just came no matter how crazy things are. I think, I have found that place.
For the last nine months or so, I've moved, started two jobs, planned a wedding, quit a stressful job, built two full client loads, prepared for licensure, volunteered, led groups, worked out multiple times a week, attempted to diet, spent time with family and friends, had budgets fail, had two or three incidences requiring the car go in the shop, bought a house, etc etc etc. I've lived in my current location since June and tomorrow I move again. I was just thinking, it feels like I just got here and here I go again. I am just ready to settle down and take a long nap. While the day to day is manageable, when I get a few moments to just sit, I realize the toll of all of this change. While I am pleased with how it's all turning out and I feel blessed, it doesn't make the transition any less tiring. In a way, I just need someone to carry me or roll me in a stroller for a brief moment. After days of caring for others, I need a little pampering. After months of constant change, I am ready for a routine. After unpredictability and trauma, I am ready for a time of respite and recharging. However, I am not so sure that season will happen anytime in the near future.
I've noticed with most of my clients that when life is in motion, its like a rolling snowball. Life tends to pick up more and more in these seasons rather than mellow out based on my energy level. And while I am good at forcing myself to go to bed early and relax, I feel this insatiable desire to just fall away for a bit a recharge. The thought of combining three residences into one makes me overwhelmed and more tired. I am planning out my caffeine intake and charting out where I can rest.
I suppose it's time like these that I have to stop leaning on my own strength. Part of being dependant on God is allowing him to provide when we don't know where to get it from. The other day my tire hit a monster pot hole. Instantly the tire was flat and the rim was damaged. It looked awful and as I rode in the tow truck I thought, "God, please just give me a financial break, I really don't have this". What was initially estimated to be at least $300 turned out to be a small $123. God provided a way for me to make it out of that bad situation with what I could handle. I suppose the stroller or the parent at the theme park is my Father who knows I just need to rest and catch up and then I will be back in the excitement. I may need to ask others for help in the months to come. I may need to forgive myself for not always making my goals. I may just have to rest and realize with all this excitement, it's likely I would feel worn out. I think I just have to realize we weren't meant to see and do it all. Sometimes we have to miss out so we can do more later. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to lay down peacefully and ignore the excitement for our own sanity. I know while this is a struggle for me because I hate to miss out, I feel that growing urge to just "lie down in green pastures", so it's probably time I listen. It's 2 o'clock in my life so I guess it's just time to take a cat nap....
I've noticed with most of my clients that when life is in motion, its like a rolling snowball. Life tends to pick up more and more in these seasons rather than mellow out based on my energy level. And while I am good at forcing myself to go to bed early and relax, I feel this insatiable desire to just fall away for a bit a recharge. The thought of combining three residences into one makes me overwhelmed and more tired. I am planning out my caffeine intake and charting out where I can rest.
I suppose it's time like these that I have to stop leaning on my own strength. Part of being dependant on God is allowing him to provide when we don't know where to get it from. The other day my tire hit a monster pot hole. Instantly the tire was flat and the rim was damaged. It looked awful and as I rode in the tow truck I thought, "God, please just give me a financial break, I really don't have this". What was initially estimated to be at least $300 turned out to be a small $123. God provided a way for me to make it out of that bad situation with what I could handle. I suppose the stroller or the parent at the theme park is my Father who knows I just need to rest and catch up and then I will be back in the excitement. I may need to ask others for help in the months to come. I may need to forgive myself for not always making my goals. I may just have to rest and realize with all this excitement, it's likely I would feel worn out. I think I just have to realize we weren't meant to see and do it all. Sometimes we have to miss out so we can do more later. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to lay down peacefully and ignore the excitement for our own sanity. I know while this is a struggle for me because I hate to miss out, I feel that growing urge to just "lie down in green pastures", so it's probably time I listen. It's 2 o'clock in my life so I guess it's just time to take a cat nap....
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Ants in My Pants
All the kids I work with are constantly moving and wiggling around. This week I asked a kid if he had ants in his pants, and he actually looked not knowing what the phrase meant. While I thought this was strange, I realized and related to their energy today as I realized since breakfast I've hopped from one activity to the next without taking a breath. With only two weeks until closing on the new house and less than 100 days to the wedding, I know I, too, officially have ants in my pants... the metaphorical kind at least.
There is something about waiting and anticipating that I am just not very good at. Even with a slow ketchup bottle I usually will resort to jamming a knife in the bottle if it's not moving fast enough. I like fast food, drive thru's, banking online, rapid release Tylenol, and already baked rolls.... why? Because I hate waiting.
When I was five I had an Easy Bake Oven. I loved it, but I am not sure I ever ate anything that was ever cooked more than 50% of the time. I would be so excited once I shoved it in the oven that I was anxiously sit outside of the the oven watching it rise. I would check on it about every five seconds, pulling it out thinking "ugh hurry up little cake" and eventually after about 30 times of pulling it out and poking it, I would just give in a eat it raw. My treats never looked like bake goods, they looked like warm soup with crispy edges. I am not sure if the Easy Bake Oven even really worked because I could never even wait for one thing to finish and I was on to the next. Even as an adult, I prematurely pull out cookies and brownies only to find out the insides just are not ready. I like instant gratification, and so in times where I can't make time go faster I find myself fluttering around like a little butterfly unable to find a place to land.
Today for example, my fiancé naps while I frantically pack, do laundry, dust, and let out my roommate's dog through out the day. He is worn out after an hour or two, and I just feel the need to keep cleaning, packing and organizing. I have mental pictures of how the move might go and where I want to put things. I just am so excited I can't hold it in. I make him drive to the house at least once a week to "check on it" as if anything has actually changed... I realized these ants in my pants are keeping me from enjoying the journey. That discomfort with not being where I want to be when I want to be keep me anxious, moving, and always thinking about the future rather than the present.
Some of these feelings are normal, but each minute of our day is a gift. I just had to stop and slow down and be thankful today. Thankful for the amazing sun warming up the piles of ice, thankful for having food in the pantry and money in the bank, thankful for being healthy, thankful for a big God who has given me so much, thankful for a home and an ability to move into a new home. There are so many reasons to "stop and smell the roses", but I just want to run through the garden instead trying to see what's behind every next corner. So, I guess I will stop for now. I might just sit down for a minute and enjoy a few quiet moments before everything is moving and changing again. Time to take off those antsy pants and just relax in my jammies....
There is something about waiting and anticipating that I am just not very good at. Even with a slow ketchup bottle I usually will resort to jamming a knife in the bottle if it's not moving fast enough. I like fast food, drive thru's, banking online, rapid release Tylenol, and already baked rolls.... why? Because I hate waiting.
When I was five I had an Easy Bake Oven. I loved it, but I am not sure I ever ate anything that was ever cooked more than 50% of the time. I would be so excited once I shoved it in the oven that I was anxiously sit outside of the the oven watching it rise. I would check on it about every five seconds, pulling it out thinking "ugh hurry up little cake" and eventually after about 30 times of pulling it out and poking it, I would just give in a eat it raw. My treats never looked like bake goods, they looked like warm soup with crispy edges. I am not sure if the Easy Bake Oven even really worked because I could never even wait for one thing to finish and I was on to the next. Even as an adult, I prematurely pull out cookies and brownies only to find out the insides just are not ready. I like instant gratification, and so in times where I can't make time go faster I find myself fluttering around like a little butterfly unable to find a place to land.
Today for example, my fiancé naps while I frantically pack, do laundry, dust, and let out my roommate's dog through out the day. He is worn out after an hour or two, and I just feel the need to keep cleaning, packing and organizing. I have mental pictures of how the move might go and where I want to put things. I just am so excited I can't hold it in. I make him drive to the house at least once a week to "check on it" as if anything has actually changed... I realized these ants in my pants are keeping me from enjoying the journey. That discomfort with not being where I want to be when I want to be keep me anxious, moving, and always thinking about the future rather than the present.
Some of these feelings are normal, but each minute of our day is a gift. I just had to stop and slow down and be thankful today. Thankful for the amazing sun warming up the piles of ice, thankful for having food in the pantry and money in the bank, thankful for being healthy, thankful for a big God who has given me so much, thankful for a home and an ability to move into a new home. There are so many reasons to "stop and smell the roses", but I just want to run through the garden instead trying to see what's behind every next corner. So, I guess I will stop for now. I might just sit down for a minute and enjoy a few quiet moments before everything is moving and changing again. Time to take off those antsy pants and just relax in my jammies....
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