Every time I go to an amusement park or day long activity one of the cutest things I love to see are all the small children passed out about 2pm. Their heads are either hung down in their stroller or rolling off their parents shoulders. They seem lifeless and worn out so much so that all of the noise and excitement is unheard and unseen as they peacefully rest and regain strength for more. It's like the entire morning of sights, sounds, and senses has overwhelmed them to the point they are just worn out. There is no waking a toddler in one of these states as they normally just reposition themselves and return to sleep. I wondered if adulthood ever had those sensory overload times where sleep just came no matter how crazy things are. I think, I have found that place.
For the last nine months or so, I've moved, started two jobs, planned a wedding, quit a stressful job, built two full client loads, prepared for licensure, volunteered, led groups, worked out multiple times a week, attempted to diet, spent time with family and friends, had budgets fail, had two or three incidences requiring the car go in the shop, bought a house, etc etc etc. I've lived in my current location since June and tomorrow I move again. I was just thinking, it feels like I just got here and here I go again. I am just ready to settle down and take a long nap. While the day to day is manageable, when I get a few moments to just sit, I realize the toll of all of this change. While I am pleased with how it's all turning out and I feel blessed, it doesn't make the transition any less tiring. In a way, I just need someone to carry me or roll me in a stroller for a brief moment. After days of caring for others, I need a little pampering. After months of constant change, I am ready for a routine. After unpredictability and trauma, I am ready for a time of respite and recharging. However, I am not so sure that season will happen anytime in the near future.
I've noticed with most of my clients that when life is in motion, its like a rolling snowball. Life tends to pick up more and more in these seasons rather than mellow out based on my energy level. And while I am good at forcing myself to go to bed early and relax, I feel this insatiable desire to just fall away for a bit a recharge. The thought of combining three residences into one makes me overwhelmed and more tired. I am planning out my caffeine intake and charting out where I can rest.
I suppose it's time like these that I have to stop leaning on my own strength. Part of being dependant on God is allowing him to provide when we don't know where to get it from. The other day my tire hit a monster pot hole. Instantly the tire was flat and the rim was damaged. It looked awful and as I rode in the tow truck I thought, "God, please just give me a financial break, I really don't have this". What was initially estimated to be at least $300 turned out to be a small $123. God provided a way for me to make it out of that bad situation with what I could handle. I suppose the stroller or the parent at the theme park is my Father who knows I just need to rest and catch up and then I will be back in the excitement. I may need to ask others for help in the months to come. I may need to forgive myself for not always making my goals. I may just have to rest and realize with all this excitement, it's likely I would feel worn out. I think I just have to realize we weren't meant to see and do it all. Sometimes we have to miss out so we can do more later. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to lay down peacefully and ignore the excitement for our own sanity. I know while this is a struggle for me because I hate to miss out, I feel that growing urge to just "lie down in green pastures", so it's probably time I listen. It's 2 o'clock in my life so I guess it's just time to take a cat nap....
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