The Dreaded Detox

I got a few days into Lent, still addicted to sugar and craving it bad.  The simple carbs that I could have I had little self control over.  Chris and I decided to do this detox for clean eating that our friends successfully did.  Saturday went spent about 5 hours grocery shopping and prep cooking.  And today is Day 3. 

"Why in the world would you want to do this?" my mother and father asked me.  "Anything to an extreme is bad" my father chirped in.   I say chirped because I think sometimes my parents want to be this discerning force of protection to keep me from pain or discomfort, but they know I am probably going to do it anyway at this stage in my life, so they don't push too hard.  I think our decision to do the detox was fast, overnight really, which is usually our policy if we do anything as a couple.  Discuss, pray, discern, and then text it to each other at work :)

But what my husband reluctantly agreed to was probably one of the best decisions he has made for us as a couple in a long time because little did we know how much closer it would bring us, how much hope we would gain from it, and how much better we both would feel.  When you are trying to conceive a baby for several months at a time, you get very focused on trying to "make a baby".  It can weigh your thoughts and mind down and be quite depressing.  Want to or not, you start to dwell on what you don't have, why you don't have it and what you might be doing wrong in life.  That was me before Lent.  A sorrowful case of the "poor me's" that pervasively made it through my days, nights and weekends.  And when I got sad or had a bad day, I treated myself to a coffee with fancy creamer or all you can eat pizza for dinner (and cheesy bread sticks... which are pretty much my heaven in my mouth).  As much as I tried to stop focusing on getting pregnant, I couldn't. 

Then Lent came around.  Our church isn't really formal in its process of Lent.  Right now, they are planning to expand our church into several other campuses and going global, so while they are doing that, I feel like I have been on my little sojourn to find myself.  I wanted this period of time of the year to be changing.  I wanted to stop, think and really make a change because grieving loss is not something that was helping myself or my family.  I was slow and tired and sluggish and not motivated.  I was taking naps instead of working out.  I was buying crap at the grocery store again.  Food that two years ago we decided to stop eating was making it's way back onto our shelves.  And not just an occasional taquito, but a slew of frozen pizzas, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, pre-made mixes for rice or noodles, lots of pasta, BOSCO sticks (if you have never had them you really should), and my beloved breakfast pizzas.  These were not items we should have had every meal.  We were also dinning out a lot.  Spending half our mortgage in dinning out money and another half mortgage in groceries.  I was self-soothing.  I was escaping.  I am a sugar addict.

The Detox
That brings me today.  "Hi I am Kerrie.  I am a recovering sugar addict.  I have 3 days clean".   I have lost 2 pounds so far in addition to the 3lbs I had been losing since lent started.  Only about 30 more or 40 to go to get where a BMI chart would have me be to not be considered "overweight".  Like most addictions, I had to get to a "rock bottom" of my post pregnancy weight to realize that I was out of control.  It makes me sick to know that I let myself gain back nearly 30 pounds.  It's actually crushing to me, but I try not to focus on that part.

What I have felt in the last 3 days (besides the incessant cry of hunger), is energy.  All of these foods I am eating are SUPER green and SUPER healthy.  Some I can live without, but some are tolerable and I have even liked a couple.  Not Crazy Bread, but it's good food.  I am spending a ton of time in the kitchen, a ton of time with my husband, and a lot of time being active with the little squirt. 

These two weeks are a sacrifice for me because I am having to let go of my comfort.  It's just FOOD, but it's food to me.  Unless you truly struggle with sugar addictions, I don't think you can understand this.  I used to CRAVE sugar.  And I used to give in.  Now with this plan, I have my items to eat and that's it.  There are tons of food.  The volume of vegetables I eat is making my jaw hurt.  I realize now I was probably nutritionally bankrupt and yet calorically overindulged.  4 oz of protein is my new size of meat and it's much smaller.  1/2 cup of quinoa is my serving of carbs in a meal, and that's WAY smaller.  But at the end of the day, I am not hurting or suffering, I feel good. 

I actually feel better in this desert than I did in the land of plenty.  I have done a lot more praying.  A lot more thinking.  A lot more hopeful thoughts about the future.  This is two weeks for the detox, and lent is forty days, but I am changing day by day.  I feel my body shrinking, the bloating going down.  I feel my energy pick up and I, best of all, have stopped craving sugar.  I could have kept down that path of self destruction, but I stopped and asked God to help me change.  Each day we pray as a family for that change because neither of us want to live and create a legacy of self-loathing in what we don't have.  We are a very blessed family.  Sometimes I think we are too blessed and maybe that's why we got put in this desert in the first place.

We are faithful that God will allow us to have another child.  We are hopeful we will be obedient and deny ourselves our comfort foods, and we will continue to strive to take care of these vessels that He has blessed us with.  And some day when we get the weight off, we might go back a little and have an occasional treat, but we hope this reset continues to make us better and better at living a life style that uses food for fuel and God for our comfort.