It's a 11pm, and I'm up late"r" than my family by a good hour plus now. This detox is a blessing because I have a ton of energy. I started running again this past week. Bad news is that combine it with anxiety and stress from work and I am WIDE AWAKE with no real desire to go bed. Started emails and notes for work and now I am more alive. I guess I love what I do.
Our weight is starting to plateau on the detox. We have 3 days left and I am down 8 pounds but 2.5 inches off my bust and hips and 3 inches off my waist. I feel better, skinnier, healthier and most of the time happier. I realize now I was fat, bloated, and drunk on sugar. MMMMmmm sugar. Can't say I don't miss my carby diet. I thought it would disgust me after almost 2 weeks of detox and 3 weeks of eating clean, but not so much. I guess carbs will always be in my heart.
I am starting to fear what's next. How do I keep moving forward with all of this? Part of me wants to just cave in, but more of me wants to add a few foods back in to make our lives more manageable. I definitely want to keep being active. I realized how much I missed the feeling of being physically sore. I missed the sense of accomplishment from pushing myself. I missed praying God to help me make it farther, faster, easier...
I read a facebook post from five years ago about wanting to live more simply. At church, we are talking about in my mom's group about our "best yes" which is only committing to the things God's calling us to. And my heart is desiring to scale back, reflect and enjoy all we have been given as a way to refocus on what we have.
I've been donating extra stuff, decluttering, and cleaning. I am losing extra weight and trying to simplify our busy life by saying no to more things. It's been really hard. It's been kind of lonely. The practice of self-denial eliminates more than excess, it opens up space. In that empty space, I have started to see just how busy I make myself so I don't have to deal with certain things. When I stopped the swim lessons, the extra library trips, the guilty lunches out with grandma, and the extra fast food runs, what I found is that life got pretty quiet. I started to realize how much extra noise I put in my life, so I don't have to talk to God or even be real with myself. I "coast" and cruise control...
Lately, my faith has been growing because as we are stripping our diets, lifestyle and budget to a more minimum place, I feel like God is blessing that slowly. I feel like we keep getting little moments of peace and security in those quiet moments. I feel like we realize just how excessive our lives were becoming. I started to realize that this was more than a excessive eating problem, it was excessive spending, collecting and busying my life so I felt less pain problem.
I believe we're all addicts. We all have a vice. My child is addicted to her blanket and paci, but it makes her feel safe and calm. Once I started taking away my security, I realized that I wasn't secure, I was just pacified. Every burger, every little shopping item, even Starbucks was a "pick me up" to a greater sense that I wasn't fulfilled. And the more naked I become in this process, the more I find a strength. The easier it gets to just say no and the more peace I am getting to be able to say no. I'm finding it easier to protect my heart and embrace my own value system. I find it easier to speak my mind but let people go at the same time. And while my anxiety is still present, it more of just busy thoughts of the day, of what else I can do or be for God's kingdom rather than what I "should have done" or "could be doing if I tried harder".
A lot could change in the next couple weeks for our family. I find myself growing quiet in prayer that it's God's will. That's all I can do. I have to let it go. I have to lay down my cross, my dreams, my selffish wishes. I want so many things, but each day I am finding moments of surrender where I just have to stop fighting this need to have it together and truly let it go. It's a controlled surrender, not reckless and mindless. My quiet surrender is becoming more and more intentional as I crave to live and more simple and God centered life. I feel like a blooming tree with buds of potential but I need more time. Lent is a little over half over and I feel so small and humble.
I suppose my prayers and my heart for Lent are coming true. I am finding out so much by giving all my treasures away. I have given up the excess spending and food and laziness for intentional spending, living, and eating. I am a better parent, partner and provider. I have so much more energy. I guess I am turning inward and selfishly holding onto that energy though. I am healing from my inside out. Self-denial isn't all dreaded doom and gloom. It's elegant, quiet and simple. It's uplifting and freeing. It's hope. It's change. It's so necessary.
What do you need to let go of in your life? What are you addicted to? DVR of your favorite line up? Your phone? Food? Idolizing your kids? A relationship? A designer? A Job? Running stupid road races? What if that thing disappeared? Who would you be and what would you do? At the end of the day, all of our vices could be removed from our life and we are left with our soul. And if we aren't truly at peace, how will we be able to handle those losses?
Sometimes self-care is actually a need to remove things from one's life and realign to what's really important. The food was a barrier, the spending, the sugar, and clothes. And I'm not quite there yet, but I see the benefits coming in. I have Hope... I have peace... So I will just keep walking...
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