The biggest factor that changed it all was sort of a slippery slope. Another month without a pregnancy was pretty depressing to walk through last week. The ovarian cysts dissolved on their own and we were cleared to start fertility treatments, but there was this sad few days where I had to accept that it's not happening on our own will. We timed conception and I followed all the rules, but to get to last Monday and find out that we were still not pregnant, well, the wind just kind of stopped. I had a busy week, so I just kept working, moving, being, but then I got a cold the next morning and it grew in intensity all weekend. And now, here I am a week later and I am thinking about how I got so far off track with only a few days left of Lent and I realize, it was that other blow.... that other "almost this time" that brought me back to my knees. I let myself get hopeful, and then it blew away again...
I have gotten to a place in this dessert where my face is to the sand in defeat. I can't seem to make anything happen right. This weekend was supposed to be a four day family getaway, and instead, it was a mess. I was sick, forgot my make up and all of my important things, got my period, was probably the sickest I have been, KK was sick, the two things we wanted to do were too full for us to get in, we picked bad places to eat, were late to events, and just a slew of unforeseen issues came up on our "getaway". I was so sick Sunday, that my face was swollen, my eyes were almost swollen shut when I woke up. I was up all night at 3am with plugged sinuses ruminating over when I would fall asleep. I just started praying...
Seriously God?? I can't get away from this suffering. When I commit to doing well, you allow me to be shown I am still weak. I can't breathe, I can't live, and I can't follow my dreams. I am stuck. I feel alone. I feel like you're not even with me. I am trying so far to stay faithful, but all I feel is a naive wanderer. A boat with no harbor. A homeless, lonely, soul trying to find shelter and it's just not happening...
My immune system is tanked and despite vitamins and healthy diet, I am still getting sick about every other month with a two week long cold. We are almost at a year of trying to have another baby. I am still struggling with my weight. The blood panels all say I am healthy but I feel terrible. I have the security of the last of my treasures but so much feels insecure. I couldn't make it through the desert without giving into those old comforts. And at this point, I am yet again feeling far from God, not because I am not pregnant, but because I just feel alone. I show up and I feel nothing. I care for others, yet I feel no one caring for me. And I don't even know if I am in a place to receive it. Don't even know if or how or what I am doing because every time I feel like I am moving forward, I find out it was no progress or back tracking...
In two days, I start fertility treatments. I have surrendered my body over to drugs because it's so out of whack. I feel like these days I know more people taking fertility meds to get pregnant than I do those who are just lucky to get pregnant on their own, but it doesn't make it much easier. There is nothing normal or joyful about shooting yourself in the stomach with needles for a week to try and help your body along. There is nothing more humiliating then taking your pants off every week to have people invade your body. I have come accustomed to dropping my yoga pants and moving down another inch or two.... I have had more blood draws this year than I can count. Hundreds in wasted pregnancy tests. And it's literally led us no where. Just as this next phase could lead us no where. And I can't help in the midst of all of this to occasionally want to just drive into Panera and eat an arm's length french baguette (with a side of one of the creamy soups). But I can't keep gaining weight either....
Today, I am in bed. I have acne all over my face from the hormones from last week. I am day 3 on my cycle. I gained five pounds over the weekend as of yesterdays measurement, so I really have no desire to take on the world. I have a pen of meds I am about to shoot myself up with in about 48 hours. I have a cold... a cough like an old lady with emphazema.. and the last thing that I feel is loved by God. And that's a hard reality to swallow but it's how I feel. Logically, I know that's not true and I can read the Word to challenge myself, but today, I don't FEEL it. Today, I will put myself together for the other people in my life who need support, but at this point I am at a low in my Lent journey. I am face down in the sand. I am waving my white flag. I have given up so much, lost so many things, and each step is getting harder. That along with several rounds of progesterone are enough to make anyone feel crazy but I think after the year I have had, I get to have a few moments face down in the dust crazy. I think after so many weeks of trying to hold it all together, I get an hour to fall apart...
I am sure in the next few weeks I will heal from this cold and become accustomed to shooting myself up with Gonal F and Ovadril, but today, I feel like I just walked for miles in the desert up a hill to see there are probably several more miles of mountains before I get to a place of rest... but none of that rest is certain, none of the safety has a concrete end in sight. And to me, I am not willing to lay here forever and give up on myself and my family, so I will rise, but right now... I am going to just be here and alone... and quiet... and surrendered... because I need to figure out how to rise and continue on...
No comments:
Post a Comment