Most of the people I see in therapy are wrestling with that, too. Someone young dies or a child has severe autism. My response is never, well, if God really loved you he would give you all sunshine and flowers... The way I respond is empathy, it's sadness because I know all to well and have never quite understood why the God of the world would let people go for sometimes even their whole life time smothered by brokenness. Some people never see the sun. Some people only know pain from birth until death. Why is that? This dichotomy when you look at human lives can span infinitely but no one is exempt from any pain, loss, or brokenness. No one human being gets the peace of only having sunny days... no matter how bright their world is...
I admitted to myself recently that I might not have another child. Because in the big scheme of life, having one child is not a loss, its just not getting everything I want. The sun will still shine in my life. There will be countless spring days until my life is over and I can hide away and ignore that sunshine and the joy it brings, or I choose joy. It's amazing how much joy (and sorrow) children bring to your life as a parent. She can be a sunny day or a tsunami. She can be sweet and loving and do cute stuff or she can come in like a Tasmanian Devil and turn our world upside down. She, too, is so much sunshine and yet seasons of drought, but I could never ever trade a day, even the bad ones, and give her away. And I like her, am probably not always a peach to have as a parent. Several months of having a mother on hormone therapy is surely going to scar this child in some way :)
I get hit with waves and emotion... sadness, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, pain... and sometimes it's breathless and lonely but sometimes I choose to sit in it. Sometimes I choose to be in pain because I want to grieve what I don't have. Sometimes I eat. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I isolate. But I keep realizing that grief day in and day out doesn't lead to acceptance until I am ready. Until, I choose to open up the curtains in my life and see the sun, it exists, but I choose not to see it. And sometimes the sun is hidden by clouds, but it is still there if I choose to see it. And sometimes in the middle of the night, when it's hours until sunrise, it can feel like it will never shine again, but it always does. No matter hold cold the winter, no matter how rainy a season, the sun always returns. Eventually, joy and peace and love is restored by our Creator, always... always...
I read over the last year of struggle in the midst of the four seasons, and today, I am still sick with a cold and still grieving loss of no pregnancy, but I still notice the sun. And for today, I pick myself up off the ground and I choose to see the sun. I choose today to push past as much of the stuffy nose and cough as I can and just embrace the day as beautiful as it is. I am going to try and forget the losses, the sickness, the yuckiness of this world, and just be embraced by the sun. Not because sitting in the sun with make me pregnant or heal my heart or give me the desire of my heart, but because I don't want to sit in the darkness while I await for my heart's desire. I don't want to keep feeling unloved by God. I want to seek His face. I want to know His presence. He is here, He is alive, and He is so desperately wanting me to run to Him for His love. Like the sun, His love is always there even when we don't feel it or choose not to see it, or instead it appears like darkness, but it is there. It's always there, always.
God is not a father who only springs wells of happiness upon us. How would we truly depend and love him if he just showered us with joy? We would blissfully dance in the rain and only think about ourselves if that were the case. We would selfishly want more and forget what we have. We would be like fat, lazy kids who never want to move out and get a job to feel the pride of our days work. We would take for granted the people He has given in our lives. It would be sunny but there would be no joy after awhile because we wouldn't know how wonderful we have it. After being through such a long winter, it feels so good to see the sun again. And overwhelming how just these quiet moments remind me how broken I choose to let myself feel. It's hard to admit but I recognize that so much of my brokenness is of my own doing. Even if I never get the desires of my heart, even when He says "no" in big large letters, He still loves me. He still pours on the sun, and I have to choose to see His provision and His plan even though I so desperately want mine. Like KK wanting M and M's for breakfast, and when I say "no", it's for her provision. It's because I love her that I say "no", but I still provide her breakfast. I still make those pancakes and bananas with love. And if she wants to choose to sit on the floor mad because she can't eat candy and miss out on the banquet I prepared for her, I can't force feed her those little cakes... I just have to sit by and try to remind her that I love her so very much. I love her so much that I know down the road she will thank me for not giving her candy every day for breakfast. And God is doing that for me... Maybe I just have to remember that when I only lay on the floor in sadness, I can't see the breakfast He is preparing for me.
I am thankful that I have a choice, that I have seen the sun, that I know joy and love and peace. Because I, too, know what it is like to be lost and in pain and unable to see any sun. So today, I lift my head, my eyes and my weary heart to the Lord. For in my brokenness, I am only made whole through him. No matter how dark this seems to be, I lean on the understanding that some day, maybe even after this life, I will be filled, full, and know what it's like to be in true Paradise where the sun always shines and there is no more pain. Today, I cling to this sun as it reminds me of all of the goodness, all of the joy, and all of the hope that comes in Christ.
Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel
in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on
their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that
the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!
6-7 Don’t
fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises
shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before
you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for
good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when
Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9 Summing
it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and
meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling,
gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to
praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from
me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes
everything work together, will work you into his most excellent
harmonies.
12-14 I’ve learned by now
to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with
little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for
being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever
I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who
makes me who I am. -Phillipeans 4:4-14
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