Life on Lexapro Part 2

It's been about three weeks since I started anti-anxiety medication, and I have to say, it's made a world of difference for me.  I know not everyone's journey includes a "one medication is the right fit" type of experience, but for me, it has been.  I had no idea how busy my mind was, how distracted I was, how anxious I was, how much binge/stress eating I did, how long it took me to fall asleep until all of that changed.

More so, I had no idea how many people would email and private message me of their own journeys of pain, anxiety, depression, and their well wishes, questions and experiences.  Mental Health issues whether chronic, situational, biological, or trauma based are still unspoken, lonely, and often stigmatized issues that people continue to be ashamed of.  Why is that?

When I was pregnant, it was amazing how with my girlfriends who were pregnant we reached a new level of emotional intimacy with one another by sharing this experience.  We talked about everything from bodily fluids, boobs, sex, eating habits, sleeping habits, gas, poop, headaches, snot, breast milk, you name it.  I had never in my life heard or talked about much of these things with anyone except my mother and doctors.  There is something magical about sharing motherhood with other mothers.  It normalizes and comforts us to share our journey with others.  There are mom forums, and mom church groups.  There is Mother's Day and mother's book series.  We are proud of our experience of being mothers.  The badge of honor comes from handling blow out diapers in public and fitting back into our pre-pregnancy pants.

So why then does post-partum anxiety and depression or even just chronic anxiety and depression have to be a private, lonely, closed-door experience?   

How can one difficult experience be so honorable, but the other be so shameful when they are both biological and chemical experiences that are messy and yet difficult at the same time?  Why in an age of constant contact with one another via media, phone, and internet, do so many people with mental health conditions suffer alone and in silence?

It's been amazing that through my anxious thoughts over the last few years, I came up with this blog.  "Waiting for the Sun to Rise" is my metaphorical picture of how I am always anxiously awaiting the joy that supposed to come in various places of life.  From the beginning, I have be overcome with how the changes in my life have lead to an uneasy heart that struggles to find peace and trust God.  I have gotten so much feedback of people who were dying to connect to someone else in their own experience whether it be fellow mental health workers, mothers, working moms, people wanting to start a business, people getting married, people with infertility, or just people wanting to share in my journey.  What I found was that my voice was just speaking the same thoughts as others who thought they were alone.  The reality is, we are all in a place of need at various points in our life.  We all get to a place where we are dying to have a cup of coffee with an old friend who doesn't just compare their life to ours, looking to "out do our pain".  We just want some one to "get us".  And while it doesn't make the symptoms of racing thoughts or trouble sleeping go away, there is comfort in realizing we are all struggling and we can all love one another well to help one another through it.

I tried my best to lean on my faith to overcome my anxiety.  The truth was, at this stage in my life, it was just bigger than I felt I could manage.  Lexapro for me is not a life-long solution because I do feel like, for me, becoming a mom and starting my own business and having to trust God to provide has caused more anxiety than a typical year in my life would cause.  But I know for some people, anti-anxiety/depressants are a need for many seasons, years, or life long.  There is no shame in needing support.  There is no shame in trying to care for yourself so that you can be the best you can be.  We wouldn't put down someone who stops eating junk food, or stops a life of lethargy to better themselves for their family, but I have had a few other doubters say, "do you really think you need medication to get through this?"  It's interesting that we will take anti-biotics for a cold we could easily deal with, we will take random supplements to "improve our health", we will do herbal detoxes, we will do crazy workouts, we will restrict our diets, but adding an anti-anxiety medication... OH MY!  That's just so extreme, isn't it? ..... Not really.  We all have to find things that work for us.  Sure, I'd love to just drink my fresh fruit and veggies smoothies and be so healthy and happy I can tap dance for days, but the reality is that no matter how much I prayed, worked out, changed my diet and had a regular sleep schedule, I did not find relief from the stomach upset, constant thoughts, and fatigue.  It was just bigger than me, and bigger than my efforts.  Does it make me weak?  I think about as weak as I am to overcome my near-sightedness and my seasonal allergies without support.

What I know is that I feel good.  I sleep better (I still get nightmares and I still have times I have trouble sleeping), but I sleep better.  I am not tired and run down all day.  I haven't been snapping on my husband as much.  My thoughts are clearer.  I don't feel overwhelmed if things don't work out.  I eat smaller meals throughout the day and recognize my hunger rather than binging after 12 hours of not eating.  I am doing less frantic cleaning and organizing, but all of my stuff is still pretty much up to date.   I want to be out and about and get ready in the morning rather than slug in my pj's until I go to work at night.  I am hopeful about things I had trouble letting go of.  I have a better ability to just "let go and let God'.  It's not a perfect fix, but it's showing me that my mind was on over drive.  I was too stressed out to function well.  It was taking a toll on me.  And now, I feel like I am on the rebound in so many areas.

I guess I would be a hypocrite to tell clients they should consider all possibilities if therapy isn't working.  There is no excuse to allow yourself to feel miserable, lonely, and shut down.  It's not fair to you, your spouse, your friends, your kids to not figure out a way to take care of you.  Whatever that looks like.  I am more motivated to work out, eat better, and be overall more active and healthy.  This hard and well thought out decision has been life changing.  I guess I just wanted to update you.  I took another leap, and it's been a huge help.  :)