Refuge in the Storm...

There is something magical about sitting in silence listening to a thunderstorm.  Birds tweeting in their morning shower, thunder rolling in and out.  The rain beating on the roof, the side walk, the windows... There is no baby monitor on since baby went to daycare with daddy and I have a little time to stop and reflect before I need to get ready for my Real Moms group.  I don't get many moments like this and usually when I have them I clean, do some laundry, or start getting ready for work.  But there's something so peaceful to me about a thunderstorm, and man, is it coming down...

It's dark out because of the storm and I kept the lights low.  I think about how at peace I feel this morning which is such a change of pace.  I want to stay in this nook for awhile to recenter.  Usually, by Thursday morning I have clients lined up back to back, but with spring break decreases my load last week and this week, it's been good to see how just a few extra appointments a week can overload me. 

My anxiety has been a raging war since I had baby K, and while I manage and function, I have come to admit to myself that it's more than just the "adjustment to being a mom".  If a person came in and told me how I feel, I'd refer them to a doctor after some initial therapy.  So, I finally opened up and talked to my doctor about it.  I have medication at the pharmacy waiting...  I am contemplative about if I want to take this step.  I've been living stressed out, tired, unable to sleep, and struggling to be calm most days since she was born.  I have tried my therapy techniques, tried lowering stress, but unless I was on a beach with drink in hand and away from everyone, I think the knot in my stomach is there to stay.  I am not in the depths of depression like some women unfortunately face.  But I am not who I used to be.  I am much more internally agitated.  I am much more easily fatigued.  And even when I eat right, exercise, meditate, and have what feels like an easy load, I still find myself getting waves of intense panic, worry, feeling like I am missing something or doing it wrong, insecurity, racing thoughts...  That's why this blog has become my safe place to dump out all of the feelings and thoughts going on into my brain. 

I am so happy with my life and don't see why I should feel worried all the time.  Yesterday, I was just folding laundry and I got hit by this wave of uncertainty.  About nothing.  Instantly, my mind was racing and then the next thing I knew, I was feeling queasy again.  I get mad at myself like some how I should be smart enough to outsmart my feelings.  I try counting, deep breathing, thinking of a "safe place".  I try praying, listening to worship music, getting a drink.  At some point, life beckons, and I have to move on.  Still on edge, I find if I am doing a few different things all at once, I start to overload my anxiety with managing life, but in the end I just end up tired.  It's not about one area, and I can pinpoint one thought.  I just know I feel this intense, irrational twinge now and then that I am powerless to stop.  Sometimes just a day or two a week, sometimes for a few days all day long.  It just doesn't feel right...

Most of my therapist friends are on something... Zoloft, Prozac, Adderol, Lexapro....  Secondary trauma maybe to hearing and taking on so many people's brokenness and sharing in the broken places with people.  I always wondered how people do it for 30 years, full time.  Are they numb?  Are they crazy, too?  Until I started to share about my anxiety, I had no idea other therapists felt the same way at times.  I think the hormones of having a kid maybe just threw it all over the top for me.  And while I don't feel like I am in the wrong profession or overloaded, I do think I will have to practice a lot of self-care, which I suck at. 

I wish all moments felt this peaceful.  I wish time stopped for me more often so I could catch my breath, but the reality of our world is that brokenness doesn't stop.  Time doesn't stop.  Needs don't stop.  And we can neglect things and put them aside to rest here and there, but we always have to come back to it.  I am using this morning to mindfully refuel my own gas tank.  I pray anxiety leaves, and energy returns.  I pray peace is restored in my soul.  All afternoon I will be surrounded by the stories of people who need someone to intentionally listen and reflect to them, and I want to be a clinician who doesn't just show up.  I want to be a clinician that is present.  Someone who can feel and reflect and support my clients the way Jesus would support those who came to Him. 

I suppose even Jesus stopped, went away from the noise, and was just recentered in to a peaceful place, away from the anxiety and depression and brokenness of this world, and prayed to God to give Him strength to walk the journey ahead.  EVERY DAY... sometimes multiples time IN ONE DAY.  Jesus also didn't have a toddler :)

Psalm 34:18, 19 – The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (19) A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.