Life on Lexapro

I am about 48 hours into taking Lexapro for anxiety.  I started trying it out at night and ended up only sleeping for 3 hours before waking up and being "jazzed" for the rest of the day.  I, initially, was thinking, "great, this was a waste, I knew it wouldn't be helpful", but then as the day went on I started to feel pretty good.  I had a lot of energy, felt less compulsions to clean, and while my thoughts were still moving and bouncing from topic to topic, I didn't have the gut sinking feeling that I was going to be sick or that something was wrong.  It was one day, and the full effects and the decrease in side effects don't occur for the first week or two.  The best effects come after about a month, so it's too soon to know if this even will make a difference in my life.  I decided to take it in the morning and see if the burst of energy like I had at 2:30 in the morning could instead be around or after lunch.  We will see.

This is a big step for me.  Usually, I try my best to "do it all by myself" without any help.  I am a pull yourself up by your own bootstraps kind of girl, and often I end up tired, frustrated, and depressed when the cost of doing it alone is higher than the benefit of doing it at all.  I had to start wearing glasses in second grade.  I hated them, but I needed them to see the board from my seat.  For four years (until I got contacts), I would try to wing it, "forgetting" my glasses on my nightstand like I didn't need them.  I would get to school, and totally feel like an idiot as I strained and tried to see but couldn't.  I would copy off my friends notes and said it was just easier to them.  Natural consequences to my own stubborn nature.  I also have seasonal allergies.  I have had allergy medication since middle school.  You would think since I have indoor and outdoor allergies that I would have started taking them daily, but I still find myself thinking, "oh they don't really help that much" and I don't take it, and then find myself sniffing, blowing, and being snotty the next day.  

What is it about me and so many others I work with that we don't want to admit we are broken?  Our bodies are broken, our spirits, our hearts.  Whether we are moms, teachers, counselors, friends, or just us, it doesn't matter the role, there is usually a dysfunction in there somewhere. 

After my grandmother died, a cousin of mine told me after the funeral my grandmother had confided in her that she was depressed and had anxiety most of her life.  While I think most people knew she was anxious because she wouldn't drive on the highway or do much outside of the house, I don't think anyone really examined how much this affected her every day life.  Looking back on how I knew my grandmother, I see the ways that depression and anxiety played a role from her willing to try new things, her rigidity on how she wanted things to be, her neediness and never feeling loved, her poor self image and always feeling unlovable, her depressive conversations about how everything was bad or lonely, etc.  We found out she started drinking vodka and hiding it, she smoked cigarettes all day, and she drank only caffeine.  And I started to ask myself lately, how are all of my emotions effecting me?  My life?  My relationships? and especially my self concept?

Outside of thinking I am never good enough and putting myself through an anxiety gerbil wheel of performance to feel better, I see where my body has often felt like it's always running on "E".  Times in college where I took diet pills so I didn't fall asleep in class even after getting 9 hours of sleep were one of the first times in my life I wondered why I was struggling when others weren't.  This had happened in high school, too, but it continued to get worse and worse.  There were times I didn't go out with friends because I just didn't have the energy to get ready and be out, but then I felt lonely and depressed sitting at the house alone.  Days when I procrastinated work, had trouble even reading a few paragraphs of a book because my mind drifted.  There were seasons where I was motivated to succeed in dieting and working out, but after a few weeks, I went back to feeling lethargic and worthless in my efforts.  I have struggled with stomach issues and feeling like maybe my thyroid or my hormones were off.  Test after test, I was in perfect health, so why didn't I feel good?  Why didn't I have the energy my friends did without a taken a Hydroxycut or drinking 2 large caffeine drinks a day?  During finals, I resorted to even lower means to try and focus.  I remember two years in particular where I took a friends Adderol on two occasions because I just couldn't retain what I was reading.  It helped, but I felt like I was cheating.  I felt like I was stupid.  I have always felt like there was something off, but "maybe I was just being too sensitive" or a hypochondriac...

My hope for this medication and for my life is that I can find a place where my insides stop shaking for every new experience even positive ones, my head can by clear and my vision of myself is positive most of the time.  I want my daughter to grow up seeing a mother who is energetic, funny, courageous, confident, loving, and giving.  I don't want her to head all those negative tapes in my head about my fat thighs, not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not having a clean enough house and my ugly body shape.  I don't want her to know the compulsive me who can't stop organizing or cleaning because I just "need to do one more thing" before I can play with her with my full attention.  I don't want to be irritable and snap on her because that day I just feel "moody".  I want to be consistent and I want the peace of God with me as I go throughout my day.

I have a friend also named Carrie I went to college with.  She is so energetic, confident, open, and willing to try anything.  She never seems to care what others think of her, and she never gets caught up in drama.  She has loads of friends, success at work, and is such a dependable person.  I always admired her for how she takes on the world and never seems to need help or be needy.  I know she comes from a good family, was raised in the church, and has good social support.  She is healthy, has good balance in her life, and while I know she's not perfect, she is such a model to me that you can live your life, treat people well, and not spend so much time caring about everyone else's opinion.  She carries herself in a way that it feels like she never worries, doesn't stay angry too long, and is always able to handle any situation. 

I have spent a lot of the last year and a half trying to find more of myself and who I want to be.  This taking an anti-depressant isn't a sign of weakness, because I don't trust God, or because I am trying to take a band-aid.  It's because I need to be able to better deal with my emotions so I can be someone in the world who doesn't project their sh*t on to everyone else.  I need to be someone who has feelings and opinions but doesn't fall apart if the world doesn't go by way.  Maybe I am too sensitive, not motivated enough, and easily angered, but why?  Is there more to that?  Does my glass ceiling have to stop at mediocre for emotional regulation?

So, this is an opportunity.  This is not a setback.  This is not some sad defeat where I have to admit that I need a prescription pill to feel good about myself.  This is an opportunity to see if the Serotonin levels in my brain are low enough that I have some mild emotional, cognitive and behavioral interference to being the best me I can be.  Guess I will keep you posted if Life on Lexapro is really all that different...