Perfect Tiles

It's been awhile since I have blogged.  It's been almost two months.  That's like a record since I had K and I think I realized why.  My head is clear.  I've been on Lexapro for a couple months now.  I almost forget to take it every morning because I feel good.

My business is going well.  In one year, I have merged my LLC with two other practices, started using electronic medical records, moved offices, multiplied my practice ten times in client volume, taken on two new associates and started creating a training program, managed books, and kept up to date with everything.  I am BLOWN away.  One year ago, I had nothing.  I had no idea that God would provide for me.  No concept that I could be this successful.  Now I am referring out clients and not worrying about income.  It feels so good.

One year ago, I was fumbling through the first year of parenthood.  I was in constant anxiety about if she was on track, feeding well, mourning the inability to breastfeed, and hoping to stay on routine.  Now, she's running through the house with a big vocabulary of funny words and phrases.  She kissing me on the lips and walking the dog.  She's feeding baby dolls and feeding herself.  She loves school, dancing, and going for walks.  I hit my stride with motherhood, who knew, in one year it would feel so different?

One year ago, I was unhappy with my weight.  I was about 20 pounds from my goal weight and trying desperately to eat clean, work out, and do the right thing.  I wanted so badly to fit back into my old clothes and feel good about myself.  Today, I realized I am able to fit back into my clothes but my body is different.  My arms are ripped but my stomach bears the scars of being a mother.  I feel good about all I have done to regain my body but I hope and continue to strive to be a better me.  I could work harder, but I also want to enjoy my life.  We have way better eating habits but we are finding a balance that is reasonable to our life styles and forgiving of our occasional indulgences.

One year ago, I would say that I thought I knew how to see the world in a way that was healthy, that I could prepare for loss and struggle, but today, I realize I have so much more to learn.  I look at all I have done, but I realize how far I have to go in life.  I am humbled by the fact that no matter how much we learn and grow, we always still have growing to do.  No matter how many times we are hurt, we can always be hurt again.  No matter how many times we heal, we often have to re-heal, re-learn, and re-grow pieces of ourselves to find wholeness.  Wholeness is momentary.  It's a fragile space.  Where life feels good, right, simple, but in a blink of time we are again humbled to the reality that is our lives.  We get to a peak, only to realize the mountain continues up further. 

 

Being a mother, a business owner, a therapist, a woman, doesn't make me perfect or able to always know how to respond perfectly.  Being all of those things complicates life.  So many people hold others to a standard that's unattainable in reality, whether it's their perception of themselves or other people.  What's frustrating is the heartache that comes with everyone involved when these ideals and assumptions are not met.  We give up on ourselves, we lose relationships, we try to stop caring because it's easier than not having our ideals met.  We use our judgement to say, "I wish someone was _____" because through our own eyes we feel like we know the right and wrong way to be.  We wish for no pain, we wish people never wronged us, and we wished that people would just get us so that we could live without negative feelings. 

One thing motherhood and business ownership has taught me is that there is not a chance in this lifetime that I will measure up.  There is no relationship I will always say and do the right things in.  There is no client I will ever work with perfectly.  I won't always hear my kid, love my kid or teach my kid perfectly.  My house will certainly never be perfect.  Not even my car will stay clean.  I will have messy messes I cleaned up and I will keep cleaning to keep my head above water but at the end of the day, no matter how awesome and productive I have been, I won't be perfect.  I will keep disappointing, keep failing and keep hurting other people.  And while humbly, I can seek forgiveness and mercy, I have to accept the reality some people have chose to keep that ideal of me in their mind.  Some people won't be able to accept my messiness.  Some people will be mad forever that I can't meet their needs.  Some people will go into believing that I hurt intentionally or don't care about anyone but myself.  Some people will forget that no matter how hard I try, I am just messy and real and raw and broken like they are.  Some people will be so hallow from their own scars that they won't realize they are blaming and projecting their insecurities into my actions without realizing there wasn't so much thought put into what I do.  Sometimes, I am just me, and sometimes I just don't do things perfectly.  Sometimes I just mindless talk, act, move, think, say, and create in ways that don't always hold everyone's feelings in mind.  Sometimes, I am just me. 

This weekend we started ripping apart our shower.  I rode with my dad to the hardware store to get the supplies.  He said, "You know, if you can do one of these projects, you can't go into it thinking it's going to be perfect.  It's like anything you do in life, it's going to have some flaws, some areas you wish you could have done better.  You have to finish it, accept it, and just do your best.  Because at the end of the day it's not about just finishing, it's about enjoying doing the work."  My dad isn't a poet.  He's just a "hard ass Marine" who often reminds me where I get my brutal honesty that people also claim to love in therapy.  My dad is a guy who messes up.  Over time, I've seen his heart start to mellow, let go and accept where he isn't in control.  He is still messy tile work, but I am starting to see him grow.  And as I stare into our naked bathroom, insulation on the ground, dust all over, I realize, I am this wall.  I am this project.  I am not going to be perfect.  I am not going to be flawless.  I have cracks, missing pieces, areas that could look better.  But I am purposefully made.  I am intentional.  And while I still have areas only God can heal, I have to first give myself grace, even when other people can't, that I am doing the best that I can. 

I enjoy doing the work.  I enjoy my mess.  I work every day to make it better, but there is so much foundation already laid.  So much history of relationships and patterns of my interactions that while I will strive more and more to be a good person, I also have to accept, the beauty of myself is in the eye of every beholder.  I will always disappoint someone, I will always make people angry, but the reality is that my goal is not to be perfect to all who look at me.  My purpose is to "try my best and enjoy the process".  There are no perfect people, no perfect relationships, and no way that we could live our lives without God overlooking all the little imperfections that make us each our own beautiful masterpiece.  I am just glad He carries me.  Each new place, year after year, I grow.  So today, I am grateful.  I am grateful for the process and the journey.  I am grateful for me.