I am sitting in my office at the school for the very last time. Little first graders and kindergartners are outside sitting in a line after a trip to the bathroom. They have "hallway hugs and a bubbles", but are giggling and asking tiny people questions. Every day when I am doing paperwork, I leave my door cracked just a little bit. I love their little people conversations, tiny smiles, and curiosity. I moved my toys out about two weeks ago, and I've missed the gasps of excitement as kids used to peer in and see the doll house and a few other toys on the shelves. Kids love to play, and thus, they love play therapy.
I am sad because in a way this was my dream job. I love being in a good school, with good staff, and good kids. I love being apart of the learning process. I love being part of this team. I love so many things about being here. I loved shopping for back to school decor and hitting up the dollar tree for motivational prizes. I would say, I am "shopping for MY kids". They some how became like my little club of secret people... some with trauma, some with bad homes, some in foster care, and some who had lost loved ones. They were my little land of misfit toys... They sometimes had poor social skills or cried multiple times a day. But in my room, we played. We talked. I learned so much about their little people lives. And they learned about themselves.
It's hard to be a therapist. You learn about all the special moments in peoples lives but you can't share those stories with anyone else. Your a secret keeper and a story holder. You share emotional intimacy with people in a way that most never know. You build a bond with your clients. You know their families, know their life story, and know why they do what they do. It's a privilege but a lonely island to work on.
I've been on teams with some amazing other people. People who for decades serve day after day a population in survival. We get cussed out, stood up, put down, and denied. We cry with people, laugh with people, and sit with people in the darkest moments of grief.
I am sitting in a room of memories. Play therapy moments of "ah ha" bliss and moments of pain. This cinder cell block cubby in the middle of the primary hallway for one year has been my home, and before that another cubby in another place was my special home for a year and a half. I love my work. I love play therapy and family therapy. I love the clinician I have become...
Nothing in life is ever simple black and white. I've had many gray moments. Moments where I've thought about turning back and renigging on my resignation. But I truly feel like I was born to run this private office. I feel energized by my work there. I love being able to do play therapy and not be worried about if insurance will cover it. I love not worrying about "production" or completing the long list of assessments due for the kids. I won't miss the "drama and politics" of community mental health. I won't miss an hour plus of commuting to work... but I will miss this place... I will miss these little people... I will miss being on this team.
Today is a day of mixed emotions. I wish it was a sigh of relief and I could sneak out at the end of the day and simply be content that it's over. But I'll be honest, I am full of mixed emotions. I know I did some good work here, and I wish I had the chance to do more good work. I wish it was easier to be everything professionally and still be a good mom. I wish I could work 13 hour days with endless energy and still have time to be with the baby. But my little person won't be little very long and I want to be a mom to her instead of being a "make up mom" for these little people at school. I am selffish that way, that I don't want to share her with a stranger and daycare. I want her "first" stories. I want to read, know her favorites, and be with her snuggling at nap time. I want long walks to the park and trips to target. I don't want to be a weekend warrior mom who tries to do everything fun in 48 hours of "free time". I want her to know that she is my world and I will do anything for her. I want her to see you can reach your goals (before you turn 30 if you want to). I want to have my dream of being a successful business owner. I want to have the ability to provide good clinical care. I want all these things so much.... ugh...
Today is a messy, unsettled, sad goodbyes kind of day. I am realizing I can't do it all. Having a baby has made me realize I can't work 12 hours a day anymore 5 days a week with some Saturday morning sessions just for fun. I have to find balance. And thus I feel like in a way I am saying goodbye to my "old self". The self who "did it all" and "took it all upon myself to be the best". I am putting her on a shelf for a bit. I am going home to my little person. She'll only be little a little while, and until she gets on that school bus herself and says, "bye mom, have a good day", then I will just work on being mom and a "part-time" therapist. I will work on being part time therapist, full time momma. I know I won't regret spending more time with her, but I will miss this place, this corner of the world, this portion on my life. Bye bye little people, bye bye team... It's been an adventure, a blessing, a journey... another morning has come.. The sun is rising, and I have to keep moving forward.
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