Home

I'm back in my yoga pants today.  The staples of my maternity leave from the 8am feeding watching the TODAY show to my blog time during nap time, is allowing me to come back to center.  The back door is open bringing in fresh air and sunshine.  I'm in the office with a snoring husky and baby is down for a nap.  The house just got picked up and I have my "to do" list for the recovery after working two jobs for the last month.  I've got progress notes, claims to bill, laundry, vacuuming, etc etc but I am just pausing and breathing for a moment today.  I did clean out the pantry (probably my most soothing OCD activity), and I cleaned some dishes, but today I just wanted to breathe.  Those deep cleansing yoga breaths that remind you to "re-center". I used to think they were lame, but something about inhaling deeply unlike my anxious and stressed out short breaths, makes my body feel taller, leaner, more like the me I want to be.  Being at home is my recovery from stress.  Being home is where I feel I am meant to be after weeks of being slammed into the world.

Something about being home, no matter the stress level, helps me to recenter.  I call our neighborhood "my retreat" because as soon as you enter back into the woods, you just feel like you're headed away to a resort in the forest.  I love being home... the sun, the big tree out front, my super awesome neighbors, the people I love, and the things that make up me.  I could do nothing all day here for days and days and I just feel more and more comfortable.  I know life isn't about just being comfortable, but I think there are moments in our life when we need a sanctuary.  We need a place to get back right with ourselves, the Lord, and our priorities.  Sometime I feel like I need to hit my own psychological reset button and get whole again.

The last month has been hard.  I've been short, snappy, tired, irritable, and probably a bad friend and wife. I never will know why I thought I could work two jobs that are both very emotionally taxing.  I will never know why I thought I'd be able to survive being away from baby 10, 11, 12, sometimes 13 hours a day.  Was I a nut case?  I guess I should have believed in myself that my private practice could actually be successful once the RIDICULOUS paneling and contracting process with insurance was completed.   The past 30 days I have reverted and regressed to an old self that I thought I had left behind.  I've let my good eating habits go back to old habits... maybe not 100% but I can feel the difference in my belly flubber.  I got behind on paperwork, housework, and baby care.  It's all a mountain that built while I was away from home 12 hours a day.  But I'm home.  I can regain control.  Reorganize life...

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.  A life where I am my boss.  I finally can "work hard/play hard" according to my schedule.  I can be a night owl and work past 10 pm, I can slam it into three days or stretch it out to six.  I can work, not work, play or rest.  I can be my sassy often interpreted as "abrasive self" because the only person I am managing and taking direction from is me.  I have always been "marching to the beat of my own drum" said my first grade teacher.  I am a determined woman on the hunt and mission to control my own destiny.  And now,  I am in control.  My sanity is returning.  I am energized again.  I am home...