When I was in high school, I hung out with guys more than girls, I wore sweat pants almost daily, and my make up consisted of eye liner, mascara and bronzer. I played soccer, worked a few nanny jobs, apparently borderlined on bullying the guys I hung out with, and clearly had no connection to what girls were into. I realized last night that up until college, when I joined Phi Mu, that I had no idea how to dress, how to "chit chat", and how to present myself. I have come a long way! I realized what a gift being a sorority woman was. I think I never realized how insecure I was in high school. I never felt like I fit in with the "cool girls", who now I realize are just women like me... married, some with kids, with professions who take care of themselves. None of us are better than the other. Some had husbands there, and some were still single. My husband and I had a blast. He was taking shots with random people and chatting up with other people. I was mingling from person to person. In each conversation, I realized I am so blessed to have him. He is my best friend... best guy friend.. and maybe I don't have a "best girl friend" because I never really got "girl dynamics". Despite living in Phi Mu and learning the essentials of my gender role expectations in a professional world, I am still far from excited to deal with drama and catty back stabbing girl stuff. I always felt like a nerd because even within my pledge class, I just wanted to be friends with everyone. When drama got deep, I found myself backing away. I am direct about my feelings and often find girls back away from me because I "hurt their feelings" or "am just too honest". I don't dance around issues and I would rather tell you to your face than tell everyone in our circle. I didn't realize that about myself until I found myself being known as one who always did hang out with the guys more. At Purdue, I found just as much joy hanging with my frat boy friends as I did my sorority sisters. Maybe, I haven't changed a ton, maybe I just never really realized that part of who I am is just not that "girly girl" I sometimes want to be in my mind.
I also found that the joy of my life is here at home. I loved beeming with pride over baby girl. I loved sharing about our marriage and the joy we had with our unexpected miracle. I realized dreams like traveling to Ireland and around the globe that are still on my heart. But overall, I realized I am most proud that I am working a job that I love... So many people said their jobs were horrible or not what they were passionate about. I realized that while I am "part time" at my private practice, I was confidently explaining my life and my business in a way that exerting comfort and confidence. I didn't realize how happy and goal accomplished my life was.
I am so far from that girl, that I think I got energized by who I've become. I don't see popular or not popular anymore. I don't see cheerleader or smart kid anymore. I don't see jock or theater kid. I just see people. Our life stories have helped and hindered our journeys. We all are looking for basic things: love, purpose, acceptance, and peace. We all crave to be "who were were born to be". I am glad I went to the reunion. I want people to realize I am not who I was. I am a constantly growing and changing person. I think we all changed. We all grew up. We all are on our own journeys for the sun to rise. I think it was good to stop a third of the way up the mountain and see where I came from. I feel bad about how I took out my bad feelings on others. I feel bad I was so insecure. I feel bad I did not love myself enough to just hang out with people and be comfortable in my own skin. But I think we can all say that to some extent. I guess that's just part of life, learning to accept who you are but always pushing to be more of who you want to be.
In ten more years, I'll probably have another kid or two (I hope). I hope my business is still going strong. I hope my marriage is still as joyful as it is today. I bet more people will find a career they enjoy, a partner to share life with, and I am sure some will experience heartache and pain. But I look forward to going back some day. I want to be more self-aware and realize, I am not who I was but I can always get closer to who I want to be. By our 20 year reunion, I want to be more physically fit and self-disciplined. I want to be better at loving my husband. I want to be a better friend. I want to continue to become better at loving other people well.
So here I am... at my life review. So far, I'd say were are doing well. Guess I can take on today and tomorrow with a sense of pride that I didn't become defeated by who I thought I was... I kept pushing and trying to be who God saw me as. It's made a huge difference. I am just grateful for relationships, all of them throughout my life. They make things real, shape your soul, and help you move forward on the journey.
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