I AM

In the course of my life I have been called many things: fat, annoying, pretty, nice, caring, abrasive, loud, hard-working, risk-taking, anxious, confident, judgmental, structured, unstructured, a leader, sensitive, a good listener, encouraging, critical... etc. etc.  While I know I have grown up a lot, I have a hard time believing or even logically accepting that I AM all of these things.  I show these traits at times, but I AM Kerrie. 

The negative parts of myself I work on, I loathe, and I am self-conscious of.  I struggle to accept I can just be those things and still be ok with being me.  In the last week, I was told I was "scary" when I present myself because I am "so sure of who I am and what I want that its intimidating" and I was also told I was unstructured, "and would do better being in a place where my child can have more flexibility because I don't have a routine".  And the reality is that I think neither of those statements are who I want to be (or maybe even an accurate reflection of who I AM), and neither of those statements are who I see myself to be, but yet, that is how others saw me.

I have trouble believing I do things well.  I have trouble believing I can do things.  But I also know that I tend to go above and beyond the expectations and every goal I set, for the most part, I have made happen. 

I AM an interesting dichotomy of a person full of high and lows and gray areas in between. 
I AM stubborn, but patient...
I AM open but closed
I AM loving but honest
I AM giving but I can be self-fish
I AM loving but I can be needy
I AM smart but I AM ignorant
I AM extroverted but can feel lonely
I AM driven but also want a break
I AM passionate but can be agreeable
I AM loyal and loving but also hateful and judgemental

I AM Kerrie.  I wish I knew what parts of that had to still be filtered through and sifted through God's grace.  I wish I was always more self-aware and could just be ok with who I AM.  I am so many things that people love and love to hate.  I always wonder who I should be.  Who I should I have my daughter see.  Who should I be to my husband, my friends, and mostly my enemies.  I struggle to wrestle with selfish and selfless and I can be so forgiving and yet so vengeful. 

If I am this complicated, it confirms to me that theologically God is far past my comprehension.  If I AM such an enigma, then the God of the universe is that much more complex.  What I am trying to get to a point with is accepting that there are pieces of me that are broken and angry and hurt and pieces that are loving and fair but they are all beautiful to God and they should all be beautiful to me.  That while I should always excel to be the best that I can and make positive changes, I also have to stop and love and accept the person I am, right now, today, in this current moment. 

It is a hard thing to do.  To hold yourself in love but hate pieces of yourself enough to be motivated to change and work on them.  My greatest therapy are those moments where I realize the bigger picture.  I won't be loved by everyone, I won't always even love myself.  I won't always be liked.  But there are times I will come into someone's like and profoundly impact it for the better.  I will give people grace and love them well.  I will also fail them.  I AM not good or bad, I just AM.  And that is so hard for my black and white mind to comprehend.  That is so hard for me to accept.  I want to be white and clean and blameless.  But that is not what I AM...