I know there are so many things I can do now that my license is in and I am getting paneled with insurance, but it's like the climax of the movie and I am not really sure just how it will turn out. I need to allow God to take over and once again reveal his faithfulness but even with prayers for this situation night after night, I just become wrapped up in more and more things "I should do" or "that I need to do" for the business. I just wish money wasn't something we needed to depend on...
I've enjoyed being at home with the baby. While sometimes slightly lonely, I love being her mom and knowing when she cries or is wet, she is attended to in a timely manner. While I know there are plenty of other people in the world who can care for her, I don't want someone else to care for her. When she smiles at me, I don't want to share those smiles with anyone else. It's like our own little communication that I am loving her well. Even if I have to get up and move around 100 times to adjust a pacifier, change her diaper, try ten different things before I realize she just wanted to eat again, I still love every moment. More than doing therapy? Yes, hands down, I'd rather be home.
But the reality for us, like so many other people, is that we need two incomes (or Chris needs to sign a contract to play NBA basketball). It's not that we need all that much more money, but one income would make things so tight for us that we wouldn't be able to do anything, go anywhere, or treat our child to the fun things in life. With KK being a bit earlier than we expected, I am caught between the job I've always wanted and the job I already have. And while I love the kids at school, sometimes I want the freedom to say, I just want to take a week off. Or if a client cancels, I don't feel like I have to hunt down the parents to find another. Mainly, I hate doing home visits on the breaks as I feel like I am just wandering around the streets of Indianapolis waiting to be stood up so I can be stressed about my hours. I can work 60% less (or more) for the same amount of money even with overhead expenses, taxes, and everything else to work in my private office. But I have the simplicity of having billing, finding referrals, and being able to bill for calls and other services that you don't get paid for in private work when I work CMH. In my private office, I have colleagues I respect and work with doing therapy, in CMH, I rarely see my coworkers but I do enjoy the school environment. I can pro and con the two positions. Either way, I am stuck. I have a baby that needs care, a bank account that needs monthly deposits, and limited time to do it all.
My heart is going back and forth. If I could make having a private practice more consistent and easier to use, it would hands down be the best bet, but right now, it's not. And as I look at her and think about if I can pull this all off without coming up short in some area, I wonder if I can be Super Mom or if I will just Super Suck at pulling this all together. This Saturday, my maternity leave is half over. The savings account is going to start being pulled out of to compensate for not having an income. My job starts up August 5, and come that time, I need to know how to manage having two jobs, pick one, or some how stumble on a financial miracle (which I am not leaning to heavily on). I know I still have plenty of time, but today I just can't shake it. Can I be enough? What will happen to her? Will we be happy? Am I making the right choice for our family? All I know is being a Super Mom is tiring, anxiety provoking, and more pressure than I've felt before. What I pick could totally shape her growth and development, our relationship, her behavior, and our family.
So I am just sitting in a puddle of my own anxiety today. Too scared to "let go and let God", too stubborn to accept he is in control. I am too eager to try and make something work, but at the same time, it's causing me so much emotional stress. It's hard to enjoy her, when I am thinking of all the things I "should" be doing. I am reminded of a therapist who told me that "I should on myself" too much. She was right, but how do I stop? If I wasn't an over-achiever before, I certainly am a maniac at trying to "make it happen" with the pressure of providing for KK. Stomach upset, head foggy, eyes worn and tired, I just want direction. I just need vision.. clarity. Do what? In what order? What do I leave behind? Is part of being a Super Mom knowing your Achilles heal? My kryptonite appears to be weakening my effectiveness today.
My kryptonite is forgetting that God is in control of it all. It's allowing the glowing darkness of the unknown future creep into my heart and mind. It's fear of losing it all or not doing what I need to do that makes my heart flutter. It's not having control of things and not having a thick margin of error. It's trying to give God the reigns. It's trusting I can fly. I feel like I am standing on top the building with a job to do, but so much fear that it's holding me back. I have my Super Mom cape on and everyone thinks I have got it together, but inside, my stomach is in knots. I am scared to fail, to flop, to disappoint. I am scared I won't win the prize and scared I will be unhappy and unfulfilled.
How does one Super Mom overcome?
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