Last Call

July marks the last month of my maternity leave... yes, I know, I have had five months of bonding time with my baby, but knowing it's down to the last couple weeks my anxiety is beginning to rise.  It's not so much the thought of leaving her, the daycare, or any of the stuff I thought would bother me.  I actually am excited for her to meet new people, break out of her recent shy tendencies, and get on a regular routine (she clearly still rules the roost around here).  But the things that are starting to bother me are actually my bigger fears... not having time, missing out on her awesome personality, and trying to figure out how I run a business, work a full time job in social work, be a mom, be a wife, and run a house.  There are only so many hours in a day and most days I already feel like I have done enough to hit the pillow exhausted.  While I know millions of women do it, I haven't done it yet, and I've grown spoiled in this long term arrangement where all I've really cared about the last five months was this tiny little person I made...

I know so far I've done a good job being her mom because she hasn't died, hasn't gotten majorly injured, and appears to be meeting her developmental milestones with ease.  She's a happy baby, and she's so fun to be around.  She just is so mellow and good-natured most the time that I haven't wanted to "get out" or "just have me time" all that much because I enjoy being with her.  Sometimes I find myself having trouble sharing her with family and friends because quite honestly, I am in love with this thing.  Her smiles make me smile no matter what else is going on.  Everything about this little life has been so sweet.  But what happens when I am overloaded, tired, and gone 8-12 hours a day... will we still maintain this bond we have?  We she still light up when I walk in the room?  Will anything bad happen while I'm away?  

Each day I write a new date or see the calendar, my chest tightens.  I know I've had so much more time with her than most, but working the two jobs I have won't leave time for all these special moments I have grown to love.  I thought life would be more simple, but it's not... It's more complicated than ever before and I am constantly wondering why God would give me this little angel, give me my own business, but not give me a way to make it yet on my own...

I am also fearing letting go of being her everything.  I love feeding her almost all her bottles, changing her, playing with her, helping her crawl and learn sounds.  I love watching her nap, taking her for walks and down to the park to swing.  We read books from the library, pet the dog, and make baby food together.  She's my shopping buddy at Target and my favorite lunch date (she watches me eat in the kitchen while I play music and make faces at her).  I've built my day around her and her special events and when I have extra time, then I work on my job or clean the house.  Now, she will be second place, so I can be at school on time and make evening appointments with new clients.  Now Daddy will take her to daycare and some night watch her while I see clients.  Daddy might do more bottles, more swim classes, pick out more outfits and see all those funny and precious firsts. 

I will soon be getting a progress report rather than giving one.  I will soon be asking how her day was.  I hate losing this little life I built.  In a way, being home with her for six months is making it harder to return because my life is my daughter (at least for those 8 working hours and then it's my little family with a hint of private practice).  My life is comfortable this way.  My life is happy this way.  How do I give that up?

Back at Purdue, my friend and I used to go to "Stacks" on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights (not EVERY one of those nights but quite a few).  Usually on Thursdays, we left the house late and would often miss the Cactus crowd and go right to Stacks (Purdue people know what I mean).  It was usually at least 11 by the time we got a table and started to hang out.  I remember so many nights where the bar played "Closing Time" as their last song and then the lights were turned on and everyone had to leave... at 3 am.   The last year we were in school I remember that in April and May each time that song came on, I wasn't just bummed because the party was over, but I was sad because I knew there would be a limited number of nights my best friends and I would have these last call moments.  Six years ago when we graduated, I knew the party was over.  Since then we have seen one another, had bachelorette parties and late nights in new bars, but I was right, it's never been the same.  There was something about those moments at Purdue that we cannot recreate.

You look back on good times where you know those moments are limited and your heart warms with a smile.  You know sometimes before those moments end that your getting close to the end, close to the last call and you have to prepare yourself to move on.  The last five months have been such a wonderful experience, one most mom's, especially working moms, never get to have.  In the last five months we have done so much together.  34 days, and I will go back to working full time while running my practice.  I don't know what the future holds but I know time is running out.  My tab is full and I need to do what I need to do to take care of my family, but I desperately know that every minute with her this age is fleeting.  She's growing every day, and I will never have her like this again. 

Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...  That's the line of the song I love the most.  I am not sure what this new school year and new beginning will hold for our little family, but I pray that it's another adventure that I can look at fondly.  I know it won't ever be the same to have me, little lady and puppy home together, and I know each week she'll continue to grow up, but one thing I know for certain is that I don't regret a moment spent with her.  I don't miss a dollar I didn't make, and I never ever would trade anything for this time, this little girl, and all the joy she's given me...