Drum roll please: Down 2 pounds since yesterday! HOORAY! Drank my fiber drink like a champ... Added the smallest hint of apple juice to convince myself it wasn't completely terrible. Sugar free apple juice... I am trying all kinds of things to keep my mind busy, but without carbs and sugar I find myself constantly hungry. Yesterday, I ate 5 eggs, 3 oz of chicken, 1/4 cup of cooked ground turkey, a whole pint of blueberries, a banana, an apple, 12 pieces of celery, 1/2 cup of onion, 1 pepper, and 1/4 cup of tomato and 1 cup of black coffee. I also had more water than I ever thought possible. I realized another addiction: caffeine about 3pm yesterday as a raging headache from my diet Pepsi withdrawal kicked in. I think today, I will have an iced tea.
And of course the baby decides to have her first poor night of sleep last night. Up three times before 8am. Ah, well, at least its not every day. Today, I've had my fiber drink, black coffee, lots of water and plain oatmeal with cinnamon. That was gross. I think back to my days of eating frozen breakfast pizzas made by Red Barron. They are these biscuit crusts with sausage gravy, cheese, and bacon and sometimes peppers and onions. THEY ARE DELICIOUS! .... and 400 calories. I used to have them with coffee and cream and a cup of apple juice... or milk (not skim). Or I might have a breakfast of cheesy eggs, or fruit loops, or a 300 calorie bagel with cream cheese. Or... frozen pancakes at 300 calories a piece... Good Lord, I am a mess. I see why in pregnancy I gained a lot of weight. That was just breakfast.
I think about what Kaylie will eat. What I will buy. Some fancy cereal with a cartoon character on the front and a puzzle on the back with a color changing spoon buried inside...? Ugh, I want her to have a childhood but I don't want her to turn into "free willy" (a name my sister called me growing up when I was fat). My scars with weight loss are far more than stretch marks. They are those moments in the dressing room at American Eagle, Hollister and A&F where I realize, I am not that cool kid they are target marketing. I am that "child bearing hipped girl" that my mother suggests would be better clothed in a women's petite. Not comforting to a teenage girl who just want to fit in and wear Silver jeans and size double zero shorts with the cute cut off fringe (or daisy duke style like it was back in the early 2000's).
I guess that's what contrastingly motivates me to change. I don't want to be "the fat mom" at the playground. Or a mother my child is embarrassed of because she's frumpy and having to wear baggy clothes.
I then think, God, I am being awful trivial about my weight. I mean who REALLY cares what size pants I wear? Well, no one does, except me. But I think that's why I say, I am not being my best me. When I learned about clean eating, and the truth about processed foods, I realized that I was selling my body cheap goods. I pride myself on buying good clothes. I may not have the latest trend or a million styles, but when I buy a dress or an outfit, I like nice materials and long lasting quality. With make up, underwear, furniture... I am not cheap. But I realized I was being cheap with food and flaunting it... My favorite food was a double cheeseburger from McDonald's with no pickle. That is not culinary quality. I would have been happy to eat chicken nuggets and Kraft mac and cheese once a week for the rest of my life or a supreme pizza from Hungry Howie's. I feel like looking back that I looked at those foods like a teenage girl looks at getting a 2 for $10 t-shirt deal at Aeropostle. Not the best clothing choice for longevity of wear, but an awesome deal that was seen as socially acceptable.
I am trying to create a more simple life for my daughter. No cable television, family walks, board games, and less high sensory/technology based toys. I want her to roll, experience textures and sounds, and be held and cuddled. I want her to learn and grow in a world without extra junk. As I continue to clean out the pantry, clean out our closets and home, I realize there is so much "fluff" we don't need. So much "cheap entertainment". I guess I am starting to realize that food was my biggest source of entertainment... my biggest joy before she came around. Now, if I could just throw all that other stuff away, I think I could be happier, and more of the me I want to be. So for today, the goal is to play with her, enjoy her and eat food as fuel not as FUN. Guess I better go then...
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