Unlucky 13... No, I'll Step It Up!

5 months and 1 week ago I had a baby.  42 pounds down, 13 more to go to get to prebaby weight.  I have been exercising, dieting, and changing our whole ways of eating to try and get this baby sludge off.  I have walked this neighborhood at least once usuaully 2-3 times a day.  I have done ab ball crunches, lifting weight, yard word, jogging, play soccer weekly, and continue to try and move all day long.  I am back to fitting into some of my pants and I don't want to cry when I put clothes on... well, not as much as I used to, but in a couple weeks, we go to the lake for a week and the dreaded swim suit will need to come on.  Following the I go back to work where I will need to wear more than my yoga pants every day...  My time is coming to an end and my goals for myself were to be easily fitting back into my clothes 6 months after baby was born.

So... today marks another round and Monday I am kicking it into hyper drive.  I have this last little pile that needs to go.  I have slacked and now the clock is ticking down and I need to get serious about weight loss.  This reminds me of the last month before my wedding.  I had lost some weight but still had quite a chunk to go.  I knew between the wedding and the honeymoon I would want to be 10-15 pounds lighter so I went low carb and lost almost all of it.  When I got into that wedding dress and my bikini in the days to follow I felt good.  I wasn't hiding my body under a t-shirt and grabbing my towel at the pool.  I stood with my shoulder back and I felt like a princess and a confident woman.  I know the work is worth it!

But since I want to lose ultimately another 27 pounds, I decided to try an Advocare Cleanse for 10 days to rid my body of the the sugars and carbs that I have comforted myself with for the last year or so.  The month of June, I tried to eat clean, but I found old habits die hard and while it wasn't a total relapse, my addiction slowly creeped back in.  First, it was a weekend pizza slice with the in-laws, then some buns for grilled burgers (at least it was a turkey burger)... then some goldfish crackers, some cheap fruit loops, and slowly but surely as I reviewed my food for the day I was back to my carb and dairy combo pack for most meals.  DAMN!  Change is so very hard.

So today, I returned to the grocery store.  I pass aisle after aisle of foods that are crap.  I loaded up on black beans, lots of produce and fruit, some eggs and nuts and as I return home I decide, I have to recommit myself not Monday with the cleanse but TODAY.  I have to stop being of the mindset that this is a diet or I am off my diet.  The only person I am cheating is myself.  I have to stop eating shit!  (forgive my french....)   I have to stop living in this world for food.  I was doing well, feeling better, and losing weight... what happened?  I have only lost 1 pound in the last month...  Well, I know why.  I am still eating sugar sugar sugar...

I figure losing 42 pounds is good, but I can't keep making excuses for myself to deal with things and enjoy my life with food.  For me, food and I have a relationship rather than seeing it as a necessary evil of my day like going to the bathroom and showering.  I also see "junk food" as some people see alcohol.  I see it as an escape or a way to cope.  I see it as a way to socialize and a way to say, "screw the world, I have a french baguette".  And the crappy part is, I feel guilty because I know I am cheating myself out of the long term joy of being healthy, the appropriate weight, and being my best me.  I understand I am "not that big", but I am bigger than I should be and I always have been since I was 7.  When I slow down and reflect, I think about that fat little girl who was always wearing bigger clothes than my friends.  The only who was wearing junior sizes in fourth grade.  The one whose sister, who was four years older, was wearing smaller clothes for years.  I know I don't want to be trapped like than anymore but yet, it's so very hard to turn down a slice of pizza, an ice cold diet pepsi, or a sandwich of any kind, sometimes even when I am not hungry. 

How do I recommit?  Well, I buy all the produce that looks good to me, and I start prepping until my fridge is a series of clear tupperwares filled with fresh produce and cooked lean protein.  I throw out the junk and move those carbs back to the pantry.  I looked at my menu and reminded myself that I am better than this.  I don't have to eat garbage and I shouldn't.  I am far too busy and far too in need of energy to eat junk.  I need all that I can get in the energy department to be the best mom, the best therapist, the best small business owner, the best wife, the best home owner and best dog walker. 

I am stuck at 13 pounds left, but I won't be for long.  Each time you get to a new level of the journey you have to step it up.  You have to press on doing the right thing because you know that's not the easiest thing but the best thing for you.  People doing these cleanses say they lose anywhere from 5-15 pounds of junk in 10 days.  If I lose only a few pounds it will motivate me as I know that I am getting closer.  I am like that chick at the end of Biggest Loser who each week a pound or two is progress. 

I am starting to realize that my lifestyle has changed but it would still be really easy to just slide back into "easy foods".  I don't like the way I feel on processed foods.  I need to just kick them and refuse to go back.  I like the way they taste, but I don't like the way I feel or the way it makes me look.  I don't want baby to eat this junk either.  I don't want her to struggle every time she tries on clothes, wears a bathing suit, or even looks in the mirror.  I don't want this legacy of flab to pass down.  It's one thing I refuse to pass down to her.

Ok.. refocus... I can do this.  I can lose these last few pounds.  I can lose 27 more and be the lean me that I want to be.  First goal... lose my last 13... then we will keep on stepping it up.  I will get back to my Phi Mu weight.  I will get back to my skinny size 8 pants.  I will be happy with my body (well, happier because I am sure I'll always pick at something).  One carrot for a carb at a time.