I have started to feel like I am getting into a routine. Go potty, weigh myself, drink fiber drink, drink lots of water, wait, have breakfast.... Down another pound today for a total of 3 pounds in 4 days. Still have 6 more days of the cleanse to go. I am happy its SLOWLY coming off. I again was full of energy yesterday. Going out to dinner is the hardest part. Ordering salads with no cheese or carbs and dressing on the side sort of sucks out their appeal. Many places don't even offer protein without breading, fried, or cooked in a lot of grease. Had I not had a tight list of what I can and can't have, I am sure this wouldn't be so successful.
I have started doing a 20 minute strength training workout tape from Jillian Michaels and added in the afternoon. It's been too hot to walk with the baby, so it's my way of getting in some fat burn before I see clients in the evening. I am trying to figure out how I will maintain all of this when I go from working 10 hours a week to 50. Trying to figure out how I will be away so long.
Last night I came home later after hanging out with some of my "mom friends" and she was in bed when I got home. Oddly, within the first 15 minutes of me being home, she woke up, wide awake and smiled and wiggled all around in her crib. It warmed my heart. Once she's down, she has never really woke up before. I felt like she missed me. Maybe it was just my own weird reading into things, but that's what it felt like.
I can't imagine my day where most of my waking time is without her. Nowadays, I look for an occasional break at nap time or when Chris gets home but within a minute or two, I want to be back with her. Soon, hours will pass before we reunite. I'll spend my day with some other mother's child at school and a family or two at night before really reuniting with her. By then she will be in her jammies...
God, the real world sucks. I'd be content to be at SAHM with my little practice a few nights a week. I love my job as a mommy at home, but I love having a paycheck and the ability to use my talents and degree. I like my school and the people I work with. I like the kids, but I LOVE her. She's trying to eat her toes, making cute noises, and just is such a happy baby. I realize I am so blessed even with 12 more pounds to go. I'd keep all 12 pounds and more if I could make money rain from the sky so I could be home. But if I quit and didn't return, it wouldn't be fair to Chris, the school, the people I promised I would be there. I truly do like my job... UGH... my mind is like a teeter-totter all day. Back and forth from my old life to the life I've had the last 6 months.
I have an amazing life. I am really blessed. Balance is all I have ever wanted and I feel like with our routine, I have found it. Maybe a little more working, but to go from 10 to 50 hours a week, my anxiety shoots up into my throat and I start to feel overwhelmed. I wonder if I can carry the weight. I wonder if I am strong enough.
Doing this exclusive diet/cleanse/working out... I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I guess I just wanted to be happy in the process. Oh so much is going to change in the next 2 weeks... I guess as with this cleanse, I might just have to sacrifice for awhile until I get to the place I need to be to meet my goals and be able to have my dream. Knowing its in reach, makes me want to work all the harder. It's not a lofty goal, just one that I actually have to work for. Another hard stretch of terrain up the mountain, waiting for the sun to rise...
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