Last weekend, I left the baby for about 36 hours to celebrate a friend's wedding shower. I was so excited to celebrate this special time with her and I thought I was being a good friend just by showing up. While my efforts for attending were more than appreciated, I realized quickly into the weekend that I had neglected so many friendships. Girls that I had loved spending time with were still up to date with each other's lives but I was clueless about what they were going through and how their lives had changed. They were all curious about married life, my job and baby, but they knew little about my life either. I thought, "gosh, I feel so left out". Not because my life was different, but because I realized I wasn't sharing my life with them anymore. While I have a group of people I do share with, I realized those relationships are often based on convenience... work friends, church friends, neighbors, but those people I used to have close to me who now live far away were rarely on my mind or on my call log.
I got to thinking about how my life has changed since having a baby, since being pregnant, since being married, and I realized just how much I have isolated myself into my own little comfort bubble. While I know a lot of people have a "honeymoon" period, I had no idea how little I branch out anymore. How little I initiate a call or a text. I grew guilty. When did I become that self-fish person who expected everyone to shower me with joy and love, but when it came to maintaining the friendship, I was no where to be found? How many people have I let go out of my life because I chose to just think about my house, hubby, dog, baby and job?
One of the things I want to be known for is the way I love other people the people who I was blessed to have in my life. I don't think we are always called to love strangers, we have so many people in our lives that we meet in various time periods. Some for a few days or weeks and some we know for years, but we have an obligation to love them well. In realizing my lack of love for others, I guess I just wanted to put out an apology and a plea for forgiveness for those friends who haven't given up on me, the people who see how much I have on my plate and don't value our friendship solely on phone calls or attendance at a random bar. I hope to make a turn around in valuing you and our friendship. I hope that despite having a load to bear that I can set it down momentarily to be friends. I recognize I don't know where you work, who you're dating, or what's going on in your life anymore. I realize I have yet to call you despite being off work for five months. I see your face in my mind and I realize I need and want to connect with you again...
I started off my new foot by calling my grandmother's today... probably the two most lonely people in my life who have lost husbands, friends, and their other relatives to illness and old age. We chatted each for about an hour and they both lit up with joy when we talked. I realized that after I stopped working, I no longer had a commute to call them. I had not added them back into my life. I don't want to be an island... a self-fish lady who doesn't share her joy... an old friend who never is around. I don't want to become so much about myself that I forgot there are other people who have flown across the globe for me, forgiven me, loved me, and shared their lives with me. I want to change how I see those people in my life...
Sometimes in life, I learn I have to lose something to gain the knowledge I need to make myself a better person. Today was one of those days. I learned a lot and I hope that I can make myself more available to my friends, my family, and my special circle of people that God entrusted me with. So that's my apology... hope I start making more calls soon...
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