Day 8: A New Feeling of Confidence

Stepped on the scale... no change no decrease in what I weight.  I have changed quite a bit but the scale is only one measure.  I wish I would have measured myself.  I am wearing much different clothes and they look much different on me.  I've done really well with this cleanse.  I have followed it well.  I feel much thinner but I have been doing a lot of working out this week.  I am sure I've built muscle, and since that weighs more than fat, that's probably why I have stalled out in weight loss.  Today, is my rest day.  I usually have a rest day after soccer.  Last night I got to see the effects of this progress.

Sunday nights I have been playing soccer for a little over a month now.  I wanted to push myself to run harder in my work outs.  The first couple games were embarrassing for me.  I would start off only able to run a 10 foot long sprint and then I got winded.  I got beat to every ball and every person made a fast break on me and zoomed past.  My ball skills were terrible.  It was depressing, but it made me really determined to try harder.  I kept leaving the field feeling like death saying, "it just sucks because you know how you used to be able to play, and then you know how you're playing now".  I know how to play the game.  I know when I am not playing well.  And I am the first person to beat myself up, but when no one passes the ball to you, you pretty much know... you suck.  But I felt every workout (for at least a few days at a time), and each week I was determined to run as hard as I could knowing I would push myself for the sake of the team (and my image) much more than I would alone in the heat of the day.

The last couple weeks, I touched the ball a few times.  I was usually getting winded after one good run, but it wasn't like I was the WORST person on the field.  I felt like I was improving but was still sucky.  But last night...  I felt good.  Full of energy, I came to the game ready to play rather than ready to take a nap.  My body was ready, and I played the best I have played since returning to work outs.  I marked my player and made runs up and down multiple times.  I beat people to the ball.  And the best part... a guy on my team yells out "nice defense" in the first few minutes of the game.  A guy who I think usually rolls his eyes on my meager attempts to play.  It just got me excited, and by the end of the night, I felt a few people were noticing a difference in my ability.

I was sweating like crazy but I felt good.  No haze or mental fog.  The guy next to me on the bench said he was feeling gross and tired.  I know that feeling.  I just wonder had I known about clean eating back in high school if I would have been a better soccer player.  I see the different in my performance.  I feel the difference.  And I remember what it was like to feel like crap.  Last night, I was proud of myself.  And when I got back in the car rather than wanting to die, I actually felt good.  I felt so good I went home and cleaned the house.  It was liberating.  I haven't felt good about my physical performance in years... maybe since grad school when I was doing timed 4 mile runs on the canal, but even after those, I always wanted to take a hot shower and a nap.  I have never felt that energy burst after a workout.  

I've started wondering what will happen in 48 hours when the cleanse is over.  Will I add dairy back in?  Will I eat carbs?  I miss bread sometimes.  Usually when I want a quick sandwich, some toast with eggs, or to just be able to eat out and not think about how much sugar is in a sauce or item.  I know we will be leaving for vacation Friday and the last thing I want to is lose the gains I have made.  I need a plan.  Reckless, mindless eating is what leads me into a dark place.  It's truly like an alcoholic with booze.  I am so tempted when I don't think about it, to just go back to my old ways...  I am a few greasy burgers and a pizza slice away from a full blown relapse, but I also don't want to be a "stick in the mud" or have to be completely separate from everyone else in what I eat.  I NEED A RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN!!!  I think I have a big sense of anxiety about not having such tight restrictions.  I know the temptation to eat pizza, burgers, and a whole crap ton of bread is upcoming in my future.  And I have a new love/hate relationship with bread.  I still LOVE it's taste, but I HATE the way it makes me feel.  It's toxic to me, but it provides an instant gratification that no other thing in my life provides.


It's clearly an area that's a work in progress.  I need to figure out what is best for me longer term.  I need to decide if I can be a "social" carb eater who occasionally indulges out with friends but doesn't buy all kinds of carbs to eat at home.  And making sure the carbs I eat at home are good carbs.  Whole wheat, not sugar laden, processed crap.  The stuff that does feel like crack to me.  If only getting older was easier....