With Hope... Good Morning...

 

Back in the fall I wrote a blog about waiting for the seasons to change.  I had a bad summer, one filled with loss and sickness.   The past summer was such a contrast to the bountiful year I had prior with having a miracle baby and getting my business off the ground.  I thought some how that maybe the seasons of my life and the seasons of the earth would correlate, but that in a sense was wishful thinking.  It's been a rough summer, fall and even winter.  It feels like despite my effort to remain positive there are days where there is blow after blow.  So much is changing but feels like crumbling, not that season of change for the positive that I was hoping for.  And it's not one area of life or one situation, it's several.  But as I look at the lives of people I work with and mentor, I recognize we are all in that place.  That agonizing journey filled with moments of struggle, moments of joy, and moments of uncertainty.  It's not me and a bad season, it's that up hill climb.  It's that waiting place.  It's the reason I started this blog...

I called this blog Waiting for the Sun to Rise for a reason.  It was parallel to a trip to Hawaii where we climbed a really difficult hill in hopes of seeing the sun rise on the horizon at like 4:30 in the morning...  I thought I was in shape, but quickly became tired and hopeless that we would not make it in time.  We ran the bottom of the hill, quickly became out of breath and I struggled the rest of the way.  Meanwhile, for Chris it was a breeze.  He encouraged me, gave me space to pause and focused on helping me, but I was humbled that morning and realized how much life is a journey with few resting places and more twists and turns than it appears from the base of the mountain. 

And the reality is that it doesn't get easier to have day after day of disappointment and struggle.  It doesn't feel good to be in a place of ambivalence.  It doesn't ease the anxiety of ones heart to be still.  But sometimes moving forward doesn't feel like progress either.  It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't in some places.  Not sure if I am going up or down.  Do I try to lose weight or wait?  What do I let go for stress purposes but hold on to so I feel fulfilled?  Who is helping me and who is just taking from me?  It's a lot of thinking, a lot of just putting one foot in front of the other, and sometimes it's a choice to stay focused that this hill will yield the joy that I am climbing it for. 

I have been trying to get pregnant again for 8 months.  After a long dinner conversation with an old friend also struggling in this area, we sternly summarized this journey with "this just sucks".  With each passing month, each passing day sometimes, we don't know what our bodies, our God, and our lives will hold.  Maybe this month, maybe this time, maybe....  Another fork in the road or another dead end becomes a choice to give up or a choice to find new strength.  This endurance developed could be seen as a blessing but say that to the one on the road.  It's only in hind sight that we see the blessing in the struggle.  Only when we reach the top that we truly understand the big picture.  So what do I do with today?

I have been a long time fan of Maya Angelou.  I read several of her books and love the depth of her words.  Her metaphors are laden with heart filled meaning.  I remember logging into a computer program as a child and hearing, "with hope, good morning".  Maya wrote this poem, the Inaugural Poem, and the poem, especially the last part is so descriptive of where I am today:

I, the Rock, I the River, I the Tree
I am yours--your Passages have been paid.

Lift up your faces, you have a piercing need
For this bright morning dawning for you.

History, despite its wrenching pain,
Cannot be unlived, and if faced
With courage, need not be lived again.

Lift up your eyes upon
The day breaking for you.

Give birth again
To the dream.

Women, children, men,
Take it into the palms of your hands.

Mold it into the shape of your most
Private need. Sculpt it into
The image of your most public self.
Lift up your hearts
Each new hour holds new chances
For new beginnings.

Do not be wedded forever
To fear, yoked eternally
To brutishness.

The horizon leans forward,
Offering you space to place new steps of change.
Here, on the pulse of this fine day
You may have the courage
To look up and out upon me, the
Rock, the River, the Tree, your country.

No less to Midas than the mendicant.

No less to you now than the mastodon then.

Here on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out
And into your sister's eyes, into
Your brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope
Good morning.

 

This is where I am with this journey.  Where I am with continuing to feel like I am losing every step of the way.  But I have hope.  Every passing day.  I wake up with hope.  I hope that continues the rest of my days.  No matter the darkness, that I still am greeted by the light.   We are all able to stop each morning and chose to find hope.  But we have to find it, say it, proclaim it.  We have to find grace that our journey comes with pain.  We, and especially I, have to accept that God doesn't give me a big picture, a map, or even a cold water bottle half way up this mountain.  All I get is the hope of knowing that there is a top, there is an end.  God's grace won't be revealed until that time, so each coming day is just another step up that hill.  Sometimes I will see whats ahead and sometimes I will  just have to trust that His Grace of Sufficient... 

So... with hope, Good Morning, friends....

full poem :  http://poetry.eserver.org/angelou.html

The Honest Truth...

The one adjective that people continue to describe me with is honest.  Sometimes they will say, "you don't sugar coat things" or "you just say how you feel don't ya", and my response has usually been a self-conscious and guilty, "yeah, sorry".  When I let myself go in a session with a client or over a cup of coffee with a friend, there comes a point in conversations where I just let go and words flow out.  Sometimes they are challenging.  Sometimes they are critical.  Sometimes they are just assumptions or guesses.  Most of the time when I am way off, people say, "no that's not it" and I think eh, ok.  But when I hit a cord, people stop.  Sometimes they cry.  Sometimes they nod.  Sometimes they light up.

When you're so honest with someone that they feel like you understand them, people melt.  They form a bond.  They feel like true friendship.  It's vulnerable and yucky in moments but its so real and authentic... and I just happen to LOVE it.  I've described them as moments where I feel like the Holy Spirit sweeps under the door and fills the room.  Usually I get warm fuzzies or heated cheeks.  Time slows.  It's magical in a way.  It's deep and raw and messy, yet it's divinely comforting.  It's exhausting as every fiber of me becomes connected with them, but that's the kind of therapy that I feel like is life changing.

I always wanted someone to just listen to me and really listen.  I don't always want some simple advice or old time metaphor for my situation.  Sometimes, like in the darkest times in my journey, I just wanted someone to sit with me and reach in the depth of my brokenness and hold it.  I wanted to hold it together so it didn't feel so alone.  And in some of my most powerful moments in my own therapy, I realized that some people really are capable of fore-fitting their own agenda and just being present with the pain.  Sometimes its those moments of reflection in that broken place where someone shines a light on the darkness and it's power just goes away.  The intensity of the pain and the depth of brokenness in my life has often been met with someone truly sitting with it with me and saying some simple profound truth about how shitty or crappy a moment is. 

I've ended friendships because of lies.  I have learned to separate my heart from hurtful people, but in the contrast, I have come to truly treasure God's gift to me of sharing truth.  Not my truth, but his, in those moments where I come to work well rest and able to just be present.  I know healing can occur for every lost soul in this space if they want it.  I know God's power works through me.  I have HOPE that each and every person in this world can sit with His truth and their own truth and recognize just what is really happening in this life.  In our life stories we are able to hide from truth, avoid truth, change truth or fight it.  We have a choice to stop the movement and stop the self-seeking temporary addictions of our heart and just feel what is in our heart. 

Today, I am aware that I want to be loved.  I want someone to see me as beautiful and perfect in his image.  I want to be enough.  I want authentic real love that is self-less at times.  I want passion and deep connection.  In our world I get so much cheap interaction and fake friendships.  I just want to have something different.  Even if that means that my circle shrinks and I insulate myself to a select short list of people, I want honesty.  I want to be real.  I want to feel real. 

I was reading 1 Peter: 2, and I got this profound sense that God has healed my heart.  God was real with me and God has been there in the darkest moments.  I had to stop living in my own brokenness and my own pattern of avoidance to see the truth.  Now that I have that truth, I can't seem to want anything else but real, true, sustainable life.  I want that in my relationships, I want that in my work, in my love.  I want my heart to be intentional and pure.  I want to let God continue to nourish me.  I want to continue to come to the fountain so I can continue to fill others up with truth...  I have spent the last few days recognizing how old patterns of living have pulled me from the truth.   The darkness of this world still has moments where it consumes me, so today my prayer is that I continue to turn to him and be filled.  Turn each day.  Be filled each day.  And to be honest with myself about the goodness he continues to give to me....

1 Peter 2 The Message (MSG)

2 ^1-3 So clean house! Make a clean sweep of malice and pretense, envy and hurtful talk. You’ve had a taste of God. Now, like infants at the breast, drink deep of God’s pure kindness. Then you’ll grow up mature and whole in God.

The Stone

^4-8 Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you’ll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God. The Scriptures provide precedent:

Look! I’m setting a stone in Zion,
    a cornerstone in the place of honor.
Whoever trusts in this stone as a foundation
    will never have cause to regret it.

To you who trust him, he’s a Stone to be proud of, but to those who refuse to trust him,

The stone the workmen threw out
    is now the chief foundation stone.

For the untrusting it’s

. . . a stone to trip over,
    a boulder blocking the way.

They trip and fall because they refuse to obey, just as predicted.

^9-10 But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

^11-12 Friends, this world is not your home, so don’t make yourselves cozy in it. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they’ll be won over to God’s side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.

^13-17 Make the Master proud of you by being good citizens. Respect the authorities, whatever their level; they are God’s emissaries for keeping order. It is God’s will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you’re a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.

The Kind of Life He Lived

^18-20 You who are servants, be good servants to your masters—not just to good masters, but also to bad ones. What counts is that you put up with it for God’s sake when you’re treated badly for no good reason. There’s no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve. But if you’re treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God.

^21-25 This is the kind of life you’ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.

He never did one thing wrong,
Not once said anything amiss.

They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you’re named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.

Life without Lexapro

The time has come to ween off Lexapro.  We are trying to have another baby and I am trying my best to take out all the extra chemicals in my diet and life to have a healthy vessel for pregnancy.  After a miscarriage this summer, I had sort of stopped trying to focus on being healthy.  I gained back 15 pounds from my low which was pretty much heart breaking.  Not so much because I am fatter, but because once again I allowed food to be a comfort at the cost of me. 

The Reason:
In the last few months, a lot has happened in my life.  Probably too much to condense into a manageable blog post, so I won't try, but I think most young moms go through a phase where it just feels like their lives are going 90 miles an hour with twists and turns after ever moment where you almost feel like you're catching your breath.  While my practice is functioning at double capacity, I am stressed with personal life issues, and it feels like I can't keep up, I decided, "hmm maybe now is a good time to ween off the one chemical support that's shown improvement".

Ah..  Being a mom is hard.  With autism and a number of physical and mental disabilities having unknown causes, I don't have the heart to take Class C medications at the risk of my child having a life long condition.  I have come to accept I have anxiety, probably clinically significant.  Probably more clinically significant than I want to admit most days.  But I feel selffish not trying to tough it out so that a baby can have a healthy place to grow.

The Withdrawal:
For me, I was confirmed by this phase that I was making the right decision.  48 hours after reducing my dose, I felt like I was hit by a bus.  This phase lasted about 10 days.  I went from 10mg daily to 10mg every other day per the doctors recommendations.  Within 48 hours, I felt way worse.  I was queasy, couldn't sleep,  and those thoughts... the crazy bunny trail ones when I lay in bed, returned.  Instead of a few minutes to fall asleep, hours crept by.  I added some Melatonin for a couple weeks.  It was in these days I realized I was making the right choice; if this withdrawal was this hard on my adult body, how hard would it be on a fetus?

Three weeks later, I am still taking 5mg every other day.  Every time I try to stop completely, I get dizzy.  It's like that feeling you get when your drunk and the room is getting spinny and you might throw up or fall over...  Essentially, I have been on a hang over since three weeks.  But that part is getting better.  That part occurs a lot intensely in moments when I probably should eat but I feel sick or nothing sounds good. 

And then I realize all the sudden I am back to craving sugar to cope.  I am not sure the connection between anxiety and sugar but I find at least for myself that the more anxious I am the more likely I am to want anything with sugar: my fru fru coffee creamer, a pop, bread, a cookie, or mac n cheese.  Maybe that part of my brain lights up with momentary comfort from the sugar when I am anxious, and I realize this isn't the only withdrawal that needs to happen.

The Next Phase:
Now that I am almost done with Lexapro, I recognize I can go into an anxious downward spiral.  I can't become frantic with cleaning and micromanaging again.  I can't go back to mindless eating and self-soothing through food.  If I am to be in control of my anxiety, I have to be mindful about the decisions I make.  For some people, this is easy.  Change diet, exercise, and take care of yourself, find balance, but for someone with anxiety, depression or any mental health or physical disability, this is not easy.  I know what the right foods are to energize me.  I know the right foods to avoid anxiety.  I know the fuel thats required. I know the body is healthier with exercise.  I know I should run or do a 20 minute workout tape.  I know that I should take deep breaths and practice relaxation and meditation.  I know I should read the Bible and pray.  I know I should be patient with KK and try to have sex regularly with my husband.  All of these things are good things, but sometimes I don't want to do the good things... 

What if wellness isn't as easy as it seems?  What if will power and self assurance don't just come when you put your mind to it?  What if every ounce of fighting mentally still leads to a place where you don't meet your goals?  What if after all of this effort, I end up crashing and failing again and again and again.?

I have two choices.  Get sucked into the vortex of anxious worry and self-defeat  or I choose today, this moment, to get back on track. 

So...

I clean out the pantry and dust off the canisters of flax seed and chia seeds. 
I rid our lives of the comfort food. 
I let it go, not because I have no will power, but because I have to realize that it can't have a place in my life. 
I have to stop letting myself be taken advantage of in my time, and I have to ignore the calls, turn off the ringer, and just be present with my kid. 
I gather laundry, and sort out mail instead of retreating to my bed. 
I think about how to plan out my day so I don't try to do it all and stress myself out. 
I pet the dog... tell her she's beautiful, because she likes it and I like it, too. 
I drink a glass of water when I crave sugar. 
I pray God would be my source. 
I take deep breaths. 
I try to picture a peaceful beach. 
I drop the Melatonin and accept that I will just have to push through these sleepless nights. 
I am done with coffee.
I am done with desert. 
I plan my trip to the grocery store...
I think about what I can have, not what I can't.
I give myself grace that running after a toddler at a grocery store might not be Jillian's Shred but for today, it is what I can do.
I pray that I stay consistent and don't grow weary.
I sit on this blog and I try to be mindful that I can do this.
I recognize that I haven't blogged much since my anxiety went away with Lexapro and maybe my struggle will re-emerge, but maybe by struggling out loud I can touch someone else who struggles... (I know you're out there other momma who is sitting during nap time about to collapse and wonder why you feel so sad even though you have the life you've always dreamed of. )
I can push myself this time to not isolate and suffer alone because I have found there are so many of us on this journey.


You don't have to be a momma.  You don't have to be jobless, hopeless, or helpless to struggle.  You can have anxiety, depression or a myriad of things you battle and still be well.  It doesn't mean you don't struggle.  It doesn't mean you don't need love and encouragement.  I know the last thing I want from anyone is, "aww, poor girl, struggling to have a baby and struggling with all these feelings".  No, all I need is "you got this girl, and on those days when you struggle, know God is holding you and I am rooting for you".  Sometimes all I need is the reminder that I have a choice.  I get to consume or be consumed by these feelings.

Actually, I feel pretty blessed to have recognized, admitted and been so intent on treating this.   It's not perfect, but it's manageable, and many times bitter sweet to hold so many emotions in this broken and hurting world.  I texted a busy mom client to remind her to give her child a new medication tomorrow on my way in.  She told me, "you really care about me, you have no idea how much it meant that you remembered us and to text me".  Of course I did.  Of course I remembered.  Because God made me "overly sensitive" and "overly emotional" maybe even in that curse there is something beautiful about it.

The nice part about life without Lexapro is my feelings are intense.  I am not numbed by increased Saratonin.  I feel deeply.  I don't feel quite as stoic.  I feel so many things, so much more intensely.  Now the trick will be containing it.  Maybe this time, I can remember what it feels like to be at peace and try to find it.  And worst case, I go back onto it.  I surrender to my own brokenness.  But today I choose to fight.  Today, I will live life without Lexapro....

Overcoming Brokenness

Had a lot of moments lately where I am reminded how good my life is.  Good marriage, family, home, job, friends, church, relationship with the Lord and pretty good health.  I have it all.  At 29, I have it all.  I have everything I NEED and more.  Sure, I want a new kitchen floor, a trip to Fiji and Bora Bora, but I have all I need to be content...Philippians 4:11.

In recent outreaches with those less fortunate, I realize the lessons I was taught about hard work, delayed gratification, honesty, and needs vs wants from my parents got me where I am.  I realized those were values that allowed my parents to be successful, and their parents, and their parents.  I've been reading a lot in the articles on facebook about the on-going oppression for other races and socio-economic groups.  I agree there is not a level playing field.  We are divided into several different cultures, and sometimes even a city block is the difference between these people groups.  We are one nation and one city, but two very different ideologies.  More like several different ideologies.  And while I sit here comfortable with my life, I recognize and almost feel guilty that there is a population going hungry, a population without health care, a population without Christ, and populations of brokenness beyond things money can repair.

I can't say that I didn't work for what I have.  I worked hard in college and grad school.  I found scholarships and went without fancy things.  I chose to avoid drugs and excessive drinking, so I could focus my time.  I studied, learned, went to class every day.  But before that, my parents instilled in me that anything else was unacceptable.  We weren't going to be a family of drug users or a family of lazy kids.  We earned an allowance and we were corrected and rebuked when we lied, cheated, or didn't work our very best.   There is value to that parenting that has no dollar amount, and a value to that commitment to the next generation that money and programs cannot buy.

As I look into the faces of the next generation, I see a lot of children who have been their parents second, third or even last priority.  Sometimes I have worked with children who parented their siblings and even their parents before they were out of elementary school.  Brokenness negates brokenness.  I think the only exception to that is those rare kids that have a passion in them for life.  Those kids who say, "I want better" and they seek out support, mentors, and leave behind what they used to know.

I think, and this is solely my opinion, that our nation has lost it's true American Dream to "pull yourself up by your boot straps" and work for a better reality.  Instead, families often utilize social support as a social crutch and hand out without regard for the sacrifice that it takes a nation to provide those supports.  And while the social stigma to use social supports has decreased so many families are utilizing the help that's out there, there is another continuum of people who doesn't know life without those supports.  There continues to be a disparaging gap between being able to make it and not.  And while those supports are necessary for many life long, most people in our country and our world are healthier, happier and feel more passion for life when they are working and doing something in life that they were created to do even it means that they don't make a ton of money.  (I am aware there is a percentage of people that work super hard and still can't afford to live without these supports and that's another population and social issue that I am not referring to).

I worked with a beautiful single mother at one of my inner city schools.  She had her son early in life and the dad wasn't around to help.  He had "his own family".  But she worked two jobs and went to college to provide for him.  She never once asked me for support financially.  But I saw how hard she worked for her and her son, so I found people to sponsor him for Christmas.  I felt so much compassion for this mother because she turned to her faith and quietly went about her life trying her best.  She was open to help but didn't depend on it.  She was willing to take suggestions and she followed directions well and I saw so much growth in her son's behavior because of it.  She knows the Lord, depends on him, and wants a better future for her son.  She was so appreciative but she didn't see the help as a dependence.  She saw it as a gift and she was open to taking it but didn't come back wanting more and more until the well was dry.  And that made me want to help her even more.

There are millions of people in the world who struggle.  I see at least a half a dozen in my office every day, but I wish I knew why God doesn't light a passion in all of us to try to help one another, love one another, work hard, so we can have our best life.  Today, I am thankful for all I have been given, but I mourn for those who don't realize what they have.  We all have the power to make our lives better.  We all have the power to see the world however we want.  And we all have the power to have the life we dreamed of.  Some people will have to work harder, but it makes the reward all that much sweeter.

The No Luck Summer

Since I was a child, summer was hands down my favorite season.  I love to swim, love to be in the sun, love to be active and love to usually be off the busy routine and just have fun.  This summer has been one of the worst outside of junior year of high school when I got a crazy eye infection and didn't make the soccer team.  And this one might be quite worse than that if I let myself admit just how hard it really has been.

It all concluded today when my mommy friend and I attempted to have our last pool day before she goes back to work at a school.  When we arrive early we sat down at the park to play until the gates opened.  The kids were excited, lunches packed, pool bags ready and sunscreen on when as the minutes passed 11am, the doors never opened.  After about 15 minutes, a woman at the park said, "you all waiting for the pool?  They decided to close it for the rest of the summer....."  WHAT?!  Its freaking August 4th and you are closing the pool that we have passes to...  That's a metaphor for the summer.  A build of excitement and a fast let down.

We are still sick with some viral infection that's now bronchitis.  Not contagious so I can rejoin the public but none the less annoying that I can't go five minutes without coughing and I can't sleep through the night.  We lost the baby.  We lost so many pool days to rain and cold weather.  We lost our health so we couldn't go to the zoo or story hour at the library.  My first summer with a toddler and we spent the majority of it napping, staying hydrated, and sterilizing the house.  And now on a beautiful day, we return home from the park with an unused pool bag and dry suits on. 

The kids are starting to go back to school and I keep thinking, "no no no it can't be over".  We missed out.  I will have to wait another 9 months to get into a pool.  Another nine months to have my teacher friends home to play with.  Another 9 months to get day time appointments on my work days so I can get home early.  Another 9 months until I get home before dark.  Another 9 months until the world slows down and we just chill and have fun.  This was such an anticipated time for rest and restoration but it instead became the low point of the year.  Anyone else have one of the deserts that you walk through and it just feels like you will never get relief?

So, all I can do is look forward to another season.  In the fall, which is my second favorite season, I make goulash, and decorate for fall holidays.  I wear sweat pants and we have bonfires.  The leaves change and there's football and my mom's group starts up again.  My niece and nephew are due and there is still plenty of nice days to go for walks, play outside, and enjoy my flowers.  I know eventually this infection will go away.  I will get well, and we will get ready to try to have another baby.  God will provide space for healing and I know I will get restored.  The reality is that life has these seasons of joy and sorrow.  We have times all of our dreams come true and times that we just have to watch the minutes pass.  There are times we are blessed with fun experiences and times where we merely just survive. 

I guess summer is ending.  Once the pool closes it's all down hill.  But I can't keep holding on to all I have lost or missed this summer.  I have so many good times ahead.  There is so much joy that awaits.  I just want so badly to feel well again.  I just want so badly for our home to be healthy. I just want our little life back.  I guess until then, I will just be thankful for all that we have been given because there's no point in being sad about all the misfortune.  It will only make a sad day sadder. 

Eventually all deserts end and lead into gentler climates.  I can't just lay down and accept this is my reality.  I will keep walking (and taking vitamins, probiotics and all those healthy things) and I know we will march into a calm pasture eventually.  So, goodbye "no luck summer", I hope we never see you again.  I hope we have a hopeful harvest this fall and are reminded of God's goodness, grace, and mercy.   We certainly are ready to feel well again. 

Miscarriage

It's not really been the summer I have had planned.  I think after really two years of joy, success, and miracle moments, I wasn't ready for struggle and loss.  Maybe I got used to the feeling of joy and independance.  Maybe it felt deserved after years of pushing and trying and learning and then the harvest.  Part of me is still lost in the moments of my sheer blessing.  I feel like a farmer who's reaped 4x more than they ever imagined they would yield, but yet, when there is loss, there is loss, and there is a still sadness that overcomes your heart for moments when you recognize that no matter how much joy there is in the world there is also the sadness.

Seven weeks ago, I was happy and never thought for a moment I was pregnant.  I was starting the summer and enjoying my new found success.  We returned from our first vacation in a couple years to Turks and Caicos, and we had an amazing time.  We were strong in love and reminded just how blessed our lives were.  We realized we had it all: a family, a home, jobs we like, a fuzzy dog who was impossible not to love and supportive family and friends.  We realized and reflected how God seemed to just be showering us in favor and looked forward to the future.  This year we were planning on adding to the family, another little squeaky, snotty, person who we knew we would love just like the first.

 

That's what start almost two months of anxiety, joy, planning, and excitement.  I think shortly after that I started feeling I was late, took the test and saw the reality that we were in fact pregnant.  I made the appointment for the doctor and tried to contain the joy.  I told a few people, close friends and family, and mainly I talked with Chris about our little life that we thought was getting bigger.

There is something about thinking you're pregnant that gets you excited, planning, and dreaming.   We talked names, planned to change the rooms around, and talked about what we needed.  We planned when to move money, the maternity leave, and how to tell the world. 

Last week, I was alone at the doctor to hear the heart beat and check on the baby's growth.  A strong heartbeat, but smaller in size than we thought.  I thought 8-9 weeks, the ultrasound showing 6.5 weeks.  I thought, well, maybe I was wrong on my timing, maybe it was later.  The doctor was hopeful but realistic that maybe something was not right and we should just wait two weeks to see and do another ultrasound then.  And I left.  Deflated a little but hopeful.  Maybe just maybe it's just the ultrasound or my recall on dates. Maybe because I've had this double ear infection most of the summer and haven't felt like myself the baby is a little small.  Maybe if I would have caught that fever I had the last 24 hours a little sooner...

Within 24 hours, the baby was gone.  No where to be found on the ultrasound, and our little dream, our little plans, our little names and little idea of our child were gone.  The pregnancy had terminated itself, and it was over. 

You know, I rarely read a blog or articles about miscarriages.  They happen in 1 out 4 pregnancies.  Like some how we shower women with love and affection when they have a baby, but they are supposed to hide away alone at home in silence when they lose a pregnancy.  I think what amazes me most is that I am still, sitting with, so now what?  I don't feel depressed or heartbroken, just feel like my favor with God has dried up for a moment.  The high wore off that I was getting everything I wanted in life outside of winning the lottery.  That "sun is shining and birds are singing" carefree me is slower for a minute, quieter, more thoughtful for a bit.  I am trying not to let my head wrap around the fact I was carrying a person inside of me, not just a sack of cells.  A heart beat was there one day and gone the next.  A little person.  A little piece of me and Chris.  A child.  Just because it doesn't have a name or a birth certificate doesn't mean it doesn't have meaning.  Because our relationship started when I first dreamed meeting this being, sharing life with this being, and loving this being like I did with my K. 

And while I don't look for pity, I want to figure out what it looks like to move on in a healthy way.   I don't want to deny I had dreams and plans for this little one, but I also want to be real that this journey of being a mommy isn't over just because of a miscarriage.  This hope for a big family and this hope for more joy and love is still strong.  We are so blessed, even still, even without this little one.  We are still loved.  We still have everything we need, but we are still bummed, still sad, still disappointed that it wasn't meant to be. 

It all happened so fast.  Like a blink.  I just felt the need to write, not because I am alone and broken but because I realize that this whole journey as a woman is lonely.  It's lonely and grieving to have, to lose and to not know what's God's plans are for your family.  It's hard to trust that a few cells forming together will create a healthy child.  It's hard to know if you're doing things right or hurting yourself.  It's hard to know if you caused it or if your guilt is just part of the process.  It's hard to know when it's time to give up or time to move on or time to just enjoy where you are.  Being a mother is part of the core of every woman whether she has a child or not.  Like somewhere in there because we are capable of being a mother, of loving, of nurturing of attuning, we can fathom that we might be doing our jobs wrong or missing what the whole point is.  

I am healing today.  Grieving some, but more so resting and dreaming a new reality for the next nine months:  Trips to the zoo and the pool, cuddles on the couch, and peanut butter crackers on the porch.  I have all I need to find joy but I have to refocus my mind on the joy I already have.  My heart grieves today for women who desire a child, try for children, lose children day after day, year after year.  Because it's hard to hope in one hand, and experience reality in another.  I want to know how to normalize that so that people start to see that while there is blessing there can also be sorrow.  While there is faith there is also disappointment, and while there is love there is also loss. 

Perfect Tiles

It's been awhile since I have blogged.  It's been almost two months.  That's like a record since I had K and I think I realized why.  My head is clear.  I've been on Lexapro for a couple months now.  I almost forget to take it every morning because I feel good.

My business is going well.  In one year, I have merged my LLC with two other practices, started using electronic medical records, moved offices, multiplied my practice ten times in client volume, taken on two new associates and started creating a training program, managed books, and kept up to date with everything.  I am BLOWN away.  One year ago, I had nothing.  I had no idea that God would provide for me.  No concept that I could be this successful.  Now I am referring out clients and not worrying about income.  It feels so good.

One year ago, I was fumbling through the first year of parenthood.  I was in constant anxiety about if she was on track, feeding well, mourning the inability to breastfeed, and hoping to stay on routine.  Now, she's running through the house with a big vocabulary of funny words and phrases.  She kissing me on the lips and walking the dog.  She's feeding baby dolls and feeding herself.  She loves school, dancing, and going for walks.  I hit my stride with motherhood, who knew, in one year it would feel so different?

One year ago, I was unhappy with my weight.  I was about 20 pounds from my goal weight and trying desperately to eat clean, work out, and do the right thing.  I wanted so badly to fit back into my old clothes and feel good about myself.  Today, I realized I am able to fit back into my clothes but my body is different.  My arms are ripped but my stomach bears the scars of being a mother.  I feel good about all I have done to regain my body but I hope and continue to strive to be a better me.  I could work harder, but I also want to enjoy my life.  We have way better eating habits but we are finding a balance that is reasonable to our life styles and forgiving of our occasional indulgences.

One year ago, I would say that I thought I knew how to see the world in a way that was healthy, that I could prepare for loss and struggle, but today, I realize I have so much more to learn.  I look at all I have done, but I realize how far I have to go in life.  I am humbled by the fact that no matter how much we learn and grow, we always still have growing to do.  No matter how many times we are hurt, we can always be hurt again.  No matter how many times we heal, we often have to re-heal, re-learn, and re-grow pieces of ourselves to find wholeness.  Wholeness is momentary.  It's a fragile space.  Where life feels good, right, simple, but in a blink of time we are again humbled to the reality that is our lives.  We get to a peak, only to realize the mountain continues up further. 

 

Being a mother, a business owner, a therapist, a woman, doesn't make me perfect or able to always know how to respond perfectly.  Being all of those things complicates life.  So many people hold others to a standard that's unattainable in reality, whether it's their perception of themselves or other people.  What's frustrating is the heartache that comes with everyone involved when these ideals and assumptions are not met.  We give up on ourselves, we lose relationships, we try to stop caring because it's easier than not having our ideals met.  We use our judgement to say, "I wish someone was _____" because through our own eyes we feel like we know the right and wrong way to be.  We wish for no pain, we wish people never wronged us, and we wished that people would just get us so that we could live without negative feelings. 

One thing motherhood and business ownership has taught me is that there is not a chance in this lifetime that I will measure up.  There is no relationship I will always say and do the right things in.  There is no client I will ever work with perfectly.  I won't always hear my kid, love my kid or teach my kid perfectly.  My house will certainly never be perfect.  Not even my car will stay clean.  I will have messy messes I cleaned up and I will keep cleaning to keep my head above water but at the end of the day, no matter how awesome and productive I have been, I won't be perfect.  I will keep disappointing, keep failing and keep hurting other people.  And while humbly, I can seek forgiveness and mercy, I have to accept the reality some people have chose to keep that ideal of me in their mind.  Some people won't be able to accept my messiness.  Some people will be mad forever that I can't meet their needs.  Some people will go into believing that I hurt intentionally or don't care about anyone but myself.  Some people will forget that no matter how hard I try, I am just messy and real and raw and broken like they are.  Some people will be so hallow from their own scars that they won't realize they are blaming and projecting their insecurities into my actions without realizing there wasn't so much thought put into what I do.  Sometimes, I am just me, and sometimes I just don't do things perfectly.  Sometimes I just mindless talk, act, move, think, say, and create in ways that don't always hold everyone's feelings in mind.  Sometimes, I am just me. 

This weekend we started ripping apart our shower.  I rode with my dad to the hardware store to get the supplies.  He said, "You know, if you can do one of these projects, you can't go into it thinking it's going to be perfect.  It's like anything you do in life, it's going to have some flaws, some areas you wish you could have done better.  You have to finish it, accept it, and just do your best.  Because at the end of the day it's not about just finishing, it's about enjoying doing the work."  My dad isn't a poet.  He's just a "hard ass Marine" who often reminds me where I get my brutal honesty that people also claim to love in therapy.  My dad is a guy who messes up.  Over time, I've seen his heart start to mellow, let go and accept where he isn't in control.  He is still messy tile work, but I am starting to see him grow.  And as I stare into our naked bathroom, insulation on the ground, dust all over, I realize, I am this wall.  I am this project.  I am not going to be perfect.  I am not going to be flawless.  I have cracks, missing pieces, areas that could look better.  But I am purposefully made.  I am intentional.  And while I still have areas only God can heal, I have to first give myself grace, even when other people can't, that I am doing the best that I can. 

I enjoy doing the work.  I enjoy my mess.  I work every day to make it better, but there is so much foundation already laid.  So much history of relationships and patterns of my interactions that while I will strive more and more to be a good person, I also have to accept, the beauty of myself is in the eye of every beholder.  I will always disappoint someone, I will always make people angry, but the reality is that my goal is not to be perfect to all who look at me.  My purpose is to "try my best and enjoy the process".  There are no perfect people, no perfect relationships, and no way that we could live our lives without God overlooking all the little imperfections that make us each our own beautiful masterpiece.  I am just glad He carries me.  Each new place, year after year, I grow.  So today, I am grateful.  I am grateful for the process and the journey.  I am grateful for me.