The time has come to ween off Lexapro. We are trying to have another baby and I am trying my best to take out all the extra chemicals in my diet and life to have a healthy vessel for pregnancy. After a miscarriage this summer, I had sort of stopped trying to focus on being healthy. I gained back 15 pounds from my low which was pretty much heart breaking. Not so much because I am fatter, but because once again I allowed food to be a comfort at the cost of me.
The Reason:
In the last few months, a lot has happened in my life. Probably too much to condense into a manageable blog post, so I won't try, but I think most young moms go through a phase where it just feels like their lives are going 90 miles an hour with twists and turns after ever moment where you almost feel like you're catching your breath. While my practice is functioning at double capacity, I am stressed with personal life issues, and it feels like I can't keep up, I decided, "hmm maybe now is a good time to ween off the one chemical support that's shown improvement".
Ah.. Being a mom is hard. With autism and a number of physical and mental disabilities having unknown causes, I don't have the heart to take Class C medications at the risk of my child having a life long condition. I have come to accept I have anxiety, probably clinically significant. Probably more clinically significant than I want to admit most days. But I feel selffish not trying to tough it out so that a baby can have a healthy place to grow.
The Withdrawal:
For me, I was confirmed by this phase that I was making the right decision. 48 hours after reducing my dose, I felt like I was hit by a bus. This phase lasted about 10 days. I went from 10mg daily to 10mg every other day per the doctors recommendations. Within 48 hours, I felt way worse. I was queasy, couldn't sleep, and those thoughts... the crazy bunny trail ones when I lay in bed, returned. Instead of a few minutes to fall asleep, hours crept by. I added some Melatonin for a couple weeks. It was in these days I realized I was making the right choice; if this withdrawal was this hard on my adult body, how hard would it be on a fetus?
Three weeks later, I am still taking 5mg every other day. Every time I try to stop completely, I get dizzy. It's like that feeling you get when your drunk and the room is getting spinny and you might throw up or fall over... Essentially, I have been on a hang over since three weeks. But that part is getting better. That part occurs a lot intensely in moments when I probably should eat but I feel sick or nothing sounds good.
And then I realize all the sudden I am back to craving sugar to cope. I am not sure the connection between anxiety and sugar but I find at least for myself that the more anxious I am the more likely I am to want anything with sugar: my fru fru coffee creamer, a pop, bread, a cookie, or mac n cheese. Maybe that part of my brain lights up with momentary comfort from the sugar when I am anxious, and I realize this isn't the only withdrawal that needs to happen.
The Next Phase:
Now that I am almost done with Lexapro, I recognize I can go into an anxious downward spiral. I can't become frantic with cleaning and micromanaging again. I can't go back to mindless eating and self-soothing through food. If I am to be in control of my anxiety, I have to be mindful about the decisions I make. For some people, this is easy. Change diet, exercise, and take care of yourself, find balance, but for someone with anxiety, depression or any mental health or physical disability, this is not easy. I know what the right foods are to energize me. I know the right foods to avoid anxiety. I know the fuel thats required. I know the body is healthier with exercise. I know I should run or do a 20 minute workout tape. I know that I should take deep breaths and practice relaxation and meditation. I know I should read the Bible and pray. I know I should be patient with KK and try to have sex regularly with my husband. All of these things are good things, but sometimes I don't want to do the good things...
What if wellness isn't as easy as it seems? What if will power and self assurance don't just come when you put your mind to it? What if every ounce of fighting mentally still leads to a place where you don't meet your goals? What if after all of this effort, I end up crashing and failing again and again and again.?
I have two choices. Get sucked into the vortex of anxious worry and self-defeat or I choose today, this moment, to get back on track.
So...
I clean out the pantry and dust off the canisters of flax seed and chia seeds.
I rid our lives of the comfort food.
I let it go, not because I have no will power, but because I have to realize that it can't have a place in my life.
I have to stop letting myself be taken advantage of in my time, and I have to ignore the calls, turn off the ringer, and just be present with my kid.
I gather laundry, and sort out mail instead of retreating to my bed.
I think about how to plan out my day so I don't try to do it all and stress myself out.
I pet the dog... tell her she's beautiful, because she likes it and I like it, too.
I drink a glass of water when I crave sugar.
I pray God would be my source.
I take deep breaths.
I try to picture a peaceful beach.
I drop the Melatonin and accept that I will just have to push through these sleepless nights.
I am done with coffee.
I am done with desert.
I plan my trip to the grocery store...
I think about what I can have, not what I can't.
I give myself grace that running after a toddler at a grocery store might not be Jillian's Shred but for today, it is what I can do.
I pray that I stay consistent and don't grow weary.
I sit on this blog and I try to be mindful that I can do this.
I recognize that I haven't blogged much since my anxiety went away with Lexapro and maybe my struggle will re-emerge, but maybe by struggling out loud I can touch someone else who struggles... (I know you're out there other momma who is sitting during nap time about to collapse and wonder why you feel so sad even though you have the life you've always dreamed of. )
I can push myself this time to not isolate and suffer alone because I have found there are so many of us on this journey.
You don't have to be a momma. You don't have to be jobless, hopeless, or helpless to struggle. You can have anxiety, depression or a myriad of things you battle and still be well. It doesn't mean you don't struggle. It doesn't mean you don't need love and encouragement. I know the last thing I want from anyone is, "aww, poor girl, struggling to have a baby and struggling with all these feelings". No, all I need is "you got this girl, and on those days when you struggle, know God is holding you and I am rooting for you". Sometimes all I need is the reminder that I have a choice. I get to consume or be consumed by these feelings.
Actually, I feel pretty blessed to have recognized, admitted and been so intent on treating this. It's not perfect, but it's manageable, and many times bitter sweet to hold so many emotions in this broken and hurting world. I texted a busy mom client to remind her to give her child a new medication tomorrow on my way in. She told me, "you really care about me, you have no idea how much it meant that you remembered us and to text me". Of course I did. Of course I remembered. Because God made me "overly sensitive" and "overly emotional" maybe even in that curse there is something beautiful about it.
The nice part about life without Lexapro is my feelings are intense. I am not numbed by increased Saratonin. I feel deeply. I don't feel quite as stoic. I feel so many things, so much more intensely. Now the trick will be containing it. Maybe this time, I can remember what it feels like to be at peace and try to find it. And worst case, I go back onto it. I surrender to my own brokenness. But today I choose to fight. Today, I will live life without Lexapro....
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