Toddlerhood... Beware!

I am starting to realize I am no longer the mother of a baby.  I realize she is growing older every day and I have had a hard time believing so much actually changes in a year.  There is something magical about that first year of life and all of that magic changes after they become independent toddlers.  All of the sudden, I am having to think harder about how I parent.  It's not as instinctual as it was before when it was all about feed, change, sleep, cuddle.  Now I am trying to teach things, listen, follow along, protect, and still feed, change, sleep.  Now days we cry just because we can't have what we want even if it is an electric cord going into the wall.  We cry when we are out of routine.  We cry in the stroller.  We cry getting our diaper changed.  We cry getting our face washed.  I know she's communicating... "No stop... I hate this stupid cars eat" and "I don't want to take my hands off the toilet" and "I want to throw my lunch on the floor for Macy"...  I just know she doesn't understand why she can't have it her way, and she's just expressing that frustration...

Toddlerhood is a different beast than infancy.  It causes me to think about my response and causes me to be mindful that while she's smarter and she can feel like she's trying to get to me, she's not yet that manipulative and she is still somewhat a baby. 

I think this period of transition from baby to child is so interesting and yet so messy.  It's hard to discern as a parant what is the right choice.  It's hard to weigh out, "not teaching her a bad habit" and "being sensitive to her needs".  Of course we, as parents, have a long laundry list of do's and don'ts during toddlerhood, but it feels more gray than "you should breastfeed" because it's better for your baby.  Now there  discipline techniques, sleep techniques, how to feed, how to toilet train, when to transition to a toddler bed, and what toddler shoes have been foot support.  I could read a 1000 books and end up just as confused but with more information.

Being a toddler is frustrating for both of us.  She can't talk in words I understand, and I am sure all of my words don't help explain away her frustration.  We try baby sign language all the time, but sometimes I am not sure we are communicating or just playing "copy me".  Following your gut to teach and love is much harder than it is when you have that tiny, spongy infant.  Some days I feel like we are doing great, and other days we just can't seem to get it right.  It's a messy dance of control and need and routine and love.  It's time consuming and energy draining.  It's love and hate and everything in between. 

We have had some challenging weeks, days, evenings, nights, mornings, and meal times.  We have how blown out diapers, hands in dog bowls, pee in car seats, poop all over, throw up all over, boogers that she refuses to be removed.  We have had styes in eyes and hair bows pulled out.  We have had food on the floor, spit on everything.  We have had spills, thrills, and the chills at one point. 

Being a parent changes everything.  Our leisurely weekends are now filled with swim lessons, park outings, zoo trips, and library runs.  We are trying to avoid television but are drawn to it.  We want to nap but can't seem to get rested.  We want to be healthy but crave eating crap.  Some days are magical, awesome, and so much fun.  It's like life on steroids.  It's always changing.  Just like her up and down moods, we are hanging on to the rollercoaster, and never know what's around the bend. 

I guess all we can do is cling on and pray or let go and enjoy the ride.  We can choose to laugh about the poop, throw up and pee... and spit and spit up and other bodily fluids or we can be upset.  We can encourage one another to keep going or allow misery to enjoy company.  Most days I think we do well letting God be in control and enjoying all parenthood has to offer.  But it's a ride, and it's an intentional choice to enjoy toddlerhood.  In those moments in the quiet restaurant where she screams bloody murder because she wants more of something we are out of or is just mad to sit in her high chair.  Those are those moments where my anxiety climbs into my throat and I have had to ask God to hold me while I hold her. Sometimes I get it under control and we all settle.  Sometimes I pay quickly and walkout flushed, tired, and on edge.  As she's learning, so am I.  I am learning with a Bachelor's in Child Development and a Master's Degree and Marriage and Family Therapy, even I am broken, messy, sinful and selfish at times as a parent.  Even I give ice cream just to sooth our pain.  Even I give in and give up at times.  We all try our best.  I have new respect for all parents because it's hard and some days it's survival.  I have to remind myself, I just have one child who no major issues.  I can't imagine what others go through...

To all those new mommys out there.... enjoy those quiet, sleepy afternoons.  Enjoy bottle or breast feeding quietly in the corner of the public place you are in.  Toddlerhood will soon arrive and all you can do is sit back, smile and enjoy the ride.  It's nap time again and I think I will take a moment to take care of me.  Never know when the ride will start up again :)

Welcome to Toddlerhood

She's up.  It's after 8, so I've had my coffee, but she's in her crib playing quietly to herself.  Occasionally, she lays back down and watches the fish swim in her ocean crib sound machine.  The busy day is about to begin.  I have last week's progress notes to write, a house to vacuum, daycare backpack to  pack for tomorrow, dinner to cook, three loads of laundry left from the weekend, and now, A TODDLER to wrangle.  When did she get so big?  Yesterday, she started to say "thank you" when we gave her things.  She says, "dog" when she see's a dog.  She's answering yes and no questions and saying, "all done" when she's finished with lunch (after she throws her food on the floor)....

My baby isn't really a baby anymore.  She looks like a baby when we go out and I see other toddlers.  But she's not a tiny, cuddly, needy infant anymore.  She screams in defiance when we change her diaper, she screams in delight on the swings.  She's walking around and getting into every item 3 feet and lower on a shelf.  We have 2-3 baby gates up all the time.  She's a woman on the move.



A few of my friends have just had babies in the last month or so.  They are so tiny.  So little.  So quiet and defenseless.  That phase is just so precious and so short.  While I'm happy I get to cook a meal, enjoy a cup of coffee, let the dog out without someone in my arms, I miss when K was so tiny that I just stared at her tiny little features as she slept.  I look at old pictures from last year where she had no hair and just those big baby blue eyes, and now... she's like a mini person...

I am not ready to get pregnant again.  I don't want to just get a "baby fix" by making more.  I love all of these news parts and features she can do.  I look forward to the zoo and the parks this year.  We are building a tiny relationship of baby babble and sometimes real words she has no idea she is saying.  But sometimes, I just want to wrap her up, like we used to... snuggle the afternoon away.  I miss watching her sleep in her swing.  Now, she's just always on the move.  Woman on a mission.

Ugh, I am so glad I was home for all of it.  I am so glad our little lives have changed so much.  I have had so many moments and memories.  Each day is another page of the book.  I have to take time to stop and watch her.   I want to soak her in.  She is my special lady and I love every moment... (except those few times of sickness, teething, gasiness, monster blow outs, screaming tantrums in public, and pulling my hair/earrings, etc).  It's amazing how fast toddlers learn and grow.  One day they are laying on the floor eating dog fur and carpet fibers, and the next day they seem to have a 30 word vocabulary and watch television shows and laugh at funny parts.  How does it all happen so fast?  Why can't this phase just last a little longer? 

She's a big girl.  I am a big girl now, too.  She's made me grow up.  She's made me realize what matters.  I no longer care that every hair on my head has been straightened, or if I got to work out, or if I finished everything on my to do list.  She's taught me to let go.  She's taught me to be messy.  She's taught me sometimes, it's not worth it.  She's taught me to ask for help.  She's becoming my favorite shopping partner.  She's been my walking buddy.  She's no longer this "baby", she's my daughter.  She is such a gift.  God has been so good to me.  I just can't believe how fast cells are divided and made.  I wish time slowed down.

Well K, here's to toddlerhood.  All that comes with it.   I know I am in for a ride.  We have just mastered walking independently... we still have running away, toilet training, eating with utensils, learning to take our diaper off, hair pulling, biting, and all the other fun things that are associated with toddlers.  But you're still pretty sweet.  You wave when I get your out of your crib in the morning.  You pet Macy so softly.  You lay your head down on your blanket on the floor when you're tired.  You sip through straws and scream, "YEAH!" when I ask if you love your daddy.  Just like the early days, there are high highs and those occasional moments where God is just checking for sure if I can let go and not be in control.   I am sure time will fly and I'll look back at these moments and remember how sweet they were.  Just please be kind K, and have short tantrums.  You have my permission to be your own little person just as long as I get to pick your outfits, you leave your bow in your hair, and you stop scratching me with the razor claws that keep growing back every 36 hours.  You've decided to go back to sleep.  A wise choice for someone who is about to take on the world.  It's another Monday, but you just keep getting older...

I AM

In the course of my life I have been called many things: fat, annoying, pretty, nice, caring, abrasive, loud, hard-working, risk-taking, anxious, confident, judgmental, structured, unstructured, a leader, sensitive, a good listener, encouraging, critical... etc. etc.  While I know I have grown up a lot, I have a hard time believing or even logically accepting that I AM all of these things.  I show these traits at times, but I AM Kerrie. 

The negative parts of myself I work on, I loathe, and I am self-conscious of.  I struggle to accept I can just be those things and still be ok with being me.  In the last week, I was told I was "scary" when I present myself because I am "so sure of who I am and what I want that its intimidating" and I was also told I was unstructured, "and would do better being in a place where my child can have more flexibility because I don't have a routine".  And the reality is that I think neither of those statements are who I want to be (or maybe even an accurate reflection of who I AM), and neither of those statements are who I see myself to be, but yet, that is how others saw me.

I have trouble believing I do things well.  I have trouble believing I can do things.  But I also know that I tend to go above and beyond the expectations and every goal I set, for the most part, I have made happen. 

I AM an interesting dichotomy of a person full of high and lows and gray areas in between. 
I AM stubborn, but patient...
I AM open but closed
I AM loving but honest
I AM giving but I can be self-fish
I AM loving but I can be needy
I AM smart but I AM ignorant
I AM extroverted but can feel lonely
I AM driven but also want a break
I AM passionate but can be agreeable
I AM loyal and loving but also hateful and judgemental

I AM Kerrie.  I wish I knew what parts of that had to still be filtered through and sifted through God's grace.  I wish I was always more self-aware and could just be ok with who I AM.  I am so many things that people love and love to hate.  I always wonder who I should be.  Who I should I have my daughter see.  Who should I be to my husband, my friends, and mostly my enemies.  I struggle to wrestle with selfish and selfless and I can be so forgiving and yet so vengeful. 

If I am this complicated, it confirms to me that theologically God is far past my comprehension.  If I AM such an enigma, then the God of the universe is that much more complex.  What I am trying to get to a point with is accepting that there are pieces of me that are broken and angry and hurt and pieces that are loving and fair but they are all beautiful to God and they should all be beautiful to me.  That while I should always excel to be the best that I can and make positive changes, I also have to stop and love and accept the person I am, right now, today, in this current moment. 

It is a hard thing to do.  To hold yourself in love but hate pieces of yourself enough to be motivated to change and work on them.  My greatest therapy are those moments where I realize the bigger picture.  I won't be loved by everyone, I won't always even love myself.  I won't always be liked.  But there are times I will come into someone's like and profoundly impact it for the better.  I will give people grace and love them well.  I will also fail them.  I AM not good or bad, I just AM.  And that is so hard for my black and white mind to comprehend.  That is so hard for me to accept.  I want to be white and clean and blameless.  But that is not what I AM...