The Infinity List

Every Monday I edit and update my "to do list".  This list is my anxiety's way of feeling like I have some sense of ability to manipulate my environment and feel in control again.  Usually, I laugh as I get to about a half page into it and recognize there is no way I am completing it in one week much less one day.  I have started accepted those "special projects" don't happen unless I abandon everything else and allow my house to go into tornado zone.  That would be when there are tumbleweeds of dog hair in the hallway, piles of laundry up and down the hallway, trash to go out, toys across the whole main floor and "just piles of crap to put away".  There is always a healthy thing on there like "go for a walk" or "do a workout dvd" that I never get to because I will always clean anything before I commit to working out.  I'd rather clean toilets, showers, floors, just about ANYTHING before I workout.  And there are those items I call, "God wouldn't it be nice if I had time to...".  Lately those things are like, rearrange the rest of the stuff in the office I have never put away, put the little baby clothes in the garage, take in the patio furniture, puree fresh baby food, or bake something healthy.  Every Monday baby and doggy are usually pooped from the busy weekend.  She takes longer naps and Macy usually is content to veg under her front yard tree.  And me?  Well, I stay in my PJ's most of the day racking out as many progress notes, claims and piles of laundry that I can...  Usually, there is dinner in a crock pot, dryer bells going off, half finished projects throughout the house.  I know some day I will finish vacuuming...

Today was a victory in some ways and probably God thinking "it's about time your realized that" moment for me.  At 3:23, I successfully completed all my claims, notes, and paperwork for my business.  I have all of my receipts in the budget for our home and all the accounting is up to date for my business.  I am showered and ready for work.  The house isn't THAT bad right now and my laundry is two small loads from being completely finished.  While I can see at least a dozen more items that "could" get done, I feel like I have finished all the items that I really REALLY wanted to get done.  I feel victorious because lately I am into Tuesday before I get to the end of my stack and I am never dressed for work before 4...

I am starting to be ok with the fact that things are not "perfect".  What is acceptable to me today, was formally deemed "complete disaster" before I had a child.  I wanted every pillow fluffed, beds made, sink empty from dishes, and dog hair always swept up.  Today, I accept and recognize that I am NOT superwoman and this to do list grows faster than I can work.  I am picking up way more clients.  I am doing doing doing all week long.  I am still 10 pounds above baby weight, but we keep trying. 

I know the list is going to keep getting additions.  I am about to add some right now, but for a brief moment, I wanted to savor that I am not just transferring a bunch of stuff onto a new list, but I am actually completed with the bulk of things for a week.  I am done for a moment.  It feels so good!  I have had to learn to celebrate a new kind of me.  I used to be about perfection, and now I am about survival.  I am learning to give up doing "good" things so I can feel "good".  I am drinking water, taking time out to shower and use the restroom.  These are all major gains for me.  I am about having a balanced life, not one that always fits into a pretty little box.  Every piece of my life has it's flaws and areas for improvements, but overall, I know I am giving it the best effort I can while still valuing everything else.

Losing my grandmother made me realize somethings.  In the last two years, I used to call her on my way home from work a few times a month.  She was always sitting alone in her apartment, while I was busy doing doing doing.  In those hours, I was frequently looking at my watch thinking about what I would or could be doing instead of being on the phone.  I remember getting inpatient sometimes.  I remember forgetting to call back some weeks when she wasn't there and being unrealistic about everything I NEEDED to get done.  And while I know I made many efforts to be there, I think about the fact that now she's gone.  I can't just call her up anymore.  I can't make time rewind and give her my free minutes.  Our lives are short, precious gifts.  Our relationships are glimmers of moments added together to create meaning and love.  Our houses will always be dirty.  There will always be 1000 things I need to do, want to do, could do, should do, would do, but need to choose not to do, so I spend my time wisely with those God put in my life.  It might not be perfect, it might not be up to someone else's standard, but today I feel accomplished...  Too bad I hear on the monitor, afternoon nap is over for baby... back to work.... the best job in the world :)