WARNING: This post is not for people who do not want to hear about my breast feeding issues. It is my way of reflecting and does contain conversation about breast feeding.
Kaylie is 23 days old and after my seventh face to face and probably dozenth conversation with a lactation consultant, I might have to give up my plan to breast feed.
I think with anything in motherhood you have a vision of what it will be like. I never thought mine would be so rocky. While the baby is healthy and I am recovering quickly, feeding the baby has been quite hard. For awhile, I blamed myself for maybe not feeding enough the first few days or sleeping a little too long in the hospital, but after another support group, I realized my story and my experiences weren't like the other mothers. All the common signs and symptoms of what is supposed to occur after birth, for me, were a far cry from what actually happened.
Three weeks in, I have now spent lots of time and money trying herbal medicine, different breast pumps, bottles for supplementing, foods to help produce, oils for fat cells, and tried to follow a strict plan of attack. But after my session today, I am realizing that my mommy story is far from everyone else's.
These first few weeks, the blissful idea of having my baby by my side has been mixed emotions. After long long feeds well over an hour, my baby still cried, unsatisfied but tired. I kept trying new feedings plans to the point where I was feeding her or pumping for an hour and a half and back on it in an hour and a half or less. All day, all night, day after day. Today, after another night of little sleep, I admitted, I don't know how much longer I can do this and not see any progress. The LC admitted that the window of time is running out for production but encouraged me to hang on a bit longer.
I know it's silly. Many babies are fed a number of ways. I just had the pretty picture of how it would be and since it hasn't been, I have struggled to let go and move on. But seeing her have her bottle and smile and coo at might afterward makes it worth it. I am not a failure, I didn't give up on myself or my baby, and I have tried very hard. Today in class I felt heard. It wasn't another recipe for some crazy potion that might help, just an honest ear that it's not working out but I have other options. I think I need permission sometimes to wave the white flag. I know plenty of babies who have been formula fed and turn out great, I guess I never loved anything so much that I cared about every last choice I made for it. I don't even care about what I eat until I had this baby.
I guess I just needed to vent today. Alone in the house, I needed to say my surrender and get my sense of peace about giving up. I am going to try one more week, in hopes that a miracle occurs but I barely make an ounce of milk, so I am pretty sure the book is closed. I assume there will be more of these moments... where I have to come to terms with what I have been given... but today, this is my moment. I have to stop being sad that it didn't work out the way I wanted, and happy that I have a happy and healthy baby who loves her "bubba" and digests it well. In the mean time, I will still snuggle her skin to skin and continue to develop that bond and attachment even if I don't have milk of my own to give.
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