Not Ready To Ring in the New Year

2013 has been such a big year, I end it very tired, overwhelmed and overloaded with claims to bill, new medical software, daycare applications that need to get filled out, and a long list of chores left undone for 2013.  I dread writing the wrong year on stuff, and I am just not ready to admit that almost a year has gone by since I last felt like I had it together.  I'm not ready to move on with my life and admit KK is almost a toddler, that my grandmother really is in heaven, and that I really am running my own business now and there are no more direct deposits coming from my old job.  Life moves so quickly these days... Years feel like months, and months feel like days compared to when I was younger...

While I love our typical NYE tradition of Chinese takeout and watching movies together, I can't help but feel like I am not really ready to be done with this year.  I am not really ready to put KK in daycare.  I'm not really ready to admit that "maternity leave" is truly over, has been over for awhile, and I am way past due on burning off those last 15 pregnancy pounds...  I think I've been living in a place of survival because right when I felt settled another big change occurred that threw us off our routine.  Another big change... vacation, maternity leave ending, quitting my job, running full time practice, grandma dying, baby being born, baby growing up.. just a lot of changes for one year.  Becoming a parent has completely and totally changed my life.  Hard to remember which was is up some days...

Where does time go?  Why does it go so fast?  One day seems so short lately.  One day truly seems like blinking.  It's hard to savor moments and enjoy gatherings because lately they just all go so quickly, and then we're off again to the next thing, the next day, week or celebration.  10 diaper changes, three meals and two snacks, two naps, one night sleep, and several dog trips outside.  There are so many times this year I've said, when is the last time I saw so-and-so and I think, "that many years?"  Eww, I am so close to 30, I can smell it.  I am not closer to 21 than 30.  I am more middle aged than teenaged, and finality of life became real when the grandma who had been through it all and more passed this year.

I try to savor every moment.  I have rocked KK for hours and just prayed over her and sang to her.  I have snuggled my hunny at night time and just recalled our memories, but more of my life these days is a series of chore combinations: laundry, cooking, dusting, vacuuming, bed making, bill paying, mail sorting, toy cleaning, diaper changing, formula making, baby feeding, baby washing, baby playing, carpet cleaning, bed making, floor cleaning, paperwork writing... woof.  I feel like I am on repeat and fast forward and I look in the mirror some days and think, wow, I am not a young lady anymore.  I am just a lady...  : /

I have so many goals this year I didn't reach (but so many goals I met and surpassed).  I have so many people I wanted to see and places I wanted to go, but it just didn't happen.  I had so many workouts I meant to do.  I had so many ways to improve my business that got side tracked.  I am getting to that age where there is always something more you could be doing... but then I don't...  My endless cup of motivation is sucked dry by maintaining what I have that I don't really go too far and beyond these days.  I used to spend extra hours working and creating things for work, and now I just show up.  I get behind in areas that I never did before.  It's all conscious, and it stresses me out because I am still just having trouble balancing it all, saying no to the extras, and not feeling guilty when I don't meet my standard anymore.

There are so many naps I wish I had, so many vacations I wish we took, and so many dinners with friends we never planned.  So much Candy Crush instead of conversation... so much TV and facebook instead of spending good face-to-face time... so much mindless wandering through my pantry instead of being mindful about my time and my choices.  I get side tracked on stupid things for hours when you add it all up but sometimes those mindless escapes are all you have time for when you are booked from rise to fall.  For this season of my life, a few minutes of moving colored candies to defeat a level of chocolate is my vacation after a long day or week.  It's not extended weekends by the beach or a week long trip out of the country... it's just doing the day in and the day out.

Chris and I have done New Years Resolutions for a few years.  We usually do well until something big happens... a vacation that gets us off task, an unexpected death, a baby... but I want to try to refocus and be mindful.  Maybe throw a blanket over the TV and try to ignore it in the evening.  Maybe set a work schedule and dial things back a bit.  Maybe, just maybe, call a friend once a week to say hello.. Something... But I need to hit my reset button and I am not quite ready.  About eight hours until the clock strikes midnight.  Am I ready for 2014?  No, but it's coming ready or not, so I hope we can be mindful tonight.. maybe plan how to regain control in 2014....

Who I've Become in 2013

This year has been crazy life changing for me.  Obtained my license, had a baby, went back to work and quit the first day, and then ramped up my private practice.  Then My grandma died, I've had to learn to balance my schedule with my husbands, and the freedom of being a person without a child was ripped away on February 2nd.  I look at who I am today at 8:31 on a Thursday morning, and it's nothing of who I was a year ago.  I am 12 pounds (or more) heavier than I want to be, I am doing better in my business than I ever thought possible, I am head over heels for my little kiddo, but all these changes cause stress in other areas where I once was so good and so diligent.  I am a far worse house keeper, a far less attentive and selfless wife, and an absent friend. 

I know all my mom friends feel me when I say that I have so many things I NEED to do and I can't get them done.  Time is one of many resources I am running out of these days.  From the moment I wake and until usually a half hour before I go to bed, I have someone completely dependent on me.  And when she is napping or asleep, I have a business to run.  I am billing claims, doing accounting, writing progress notes, printing notes, filling files, talking to new clients, coordinating care with doctors offices and hospitals in sweat pants in my living room for 2-3 hours a day, and then I leave to go to work for another 4-5 hours in the afternoon.  But I just work "part time" I tell people.  My doctor today said he sees a lot of female doctor work "part time", which really means they do a full time job in a part time job's worth of hours.  Fair to say, Dr. P, that you are correct.  I don't have a 30 minute lunch break or heck a 5 minute bathroom break because I am always on to the next thing.  It's tiring...

I've done it all and failed a lot this year, too.  I've tried to breastfeed.  I've tried to complete a to do list.  I've tried to do just one more errand even though I know it's past her limit.  I've tried to simplify.  But I've failed some how.  I failed to call friends back who wanted to celebrate with me after she was born.  I failed to contain my anxiety after birth and had days of sitting along crying while rocking the baby alone in her room.  I have fought with my partners, cried at my office, and cried in bed at night after missing long discussions well needed in our marriage.  I have tried so very hard to be and feel blessed, but sometimes, I am that unfulfilled whiner silently praying in the corner for MORE MORE MORE or maybe LESS LESS LESS.  Some days I am not sure I know what I want.

All of these changes are the Dream I've always had for myself, but no real life is perfect.  My Pintrest account is full of ideas to update my house, activities to do with KK, and books I want to read.  I have so many amazing ideas, and no time to make them a reality.  I sleep soundly at night though.  I work hard.  And I've had to start being ok with dishes in the sink over night, and waking up to toys all over the living room floor.  I've become satisfied with occasionally eating processed drive thru crap because there just isn't time to be "perfect".  There isn't enough time to be "perfect enough".  There isn't a time to be mediocre some days.  Some days, I only have time to take care of KK and maybe get dressed and brush my teeth.  I know my non-mommy friends say, THAT'S IT?  Seriously?  But you try to do anything with a teething infant who is constantly in pain and only is consoled by being held by her mother.  Tell me how much you get done.  I am not a lazy person and yet there is still work to do.

All this being said... I am realizing more than ever that I need help.  I enrolled little lady in school two days a week for the new year.  I kept my commitment to my church mommy group and our small group because I need those times to stop and reflect on my life.  I let myself vent to my mother whenever I feel the need.  I am asking friends to babysit or help make a dish instead of trying to do it all myself.  I'm letting my partners take over projects and telling my friends, I am sorry this is all I have to give in the friendship at this phase in my life.  This is as good as it gets for right now.  I am trying to figure out how to give my marriage the time it deserves instead of depending on the fact that it will always be there.

I think this is what every first time mom goes through.  I think all of this is "normal life adjustment".  This year has been such a reality check and a wake up call.  When I was single, I laid around in my room or took an afternoon nap regularly.  I slept 10 hours a night, cooked for myself, and found time to journal regularly.  I was at church 4 nights a week volunteering.  I worked.  I met friends and talked to them all the time.  When I got married and we bought the house, that "me time" decreased.  Then we got Macy and that time decreased some more.  And then we had KK, and now I am lucky to get a hot shower and a fresh pair of sweat pants before bed. 

I've never been to the grocery store this many times in one year.  I have never just given away money to a child like this before without thinking.  I've never just closed out the rest of my social network just to lay on the floor and play patty cake, but this is who 2013 has made me.  I am a mother, a small business owner, a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a God follower.  I am four weeks behind on my favorite TV shows and I haven't had a date night without a child since Valentine's Day.  While I strive for balance in my life, I have also come to accept that this year has been so important to the little lady upstairs still asleep in her footie pajamas.  She hasn't been sick or had issues with health.  She's happy and thriving and learning things all the time.  She isn't having trouble with sleep or struggles with playing.  She's doing wonderful.  I've done my job this year.  I've paid my bills, I've raised my child, I've cared for my dog and husband and home and my family.  Everything else outside of that is a miracle.  Holler if you hear me.....

This Year I am Thankful For....

I woke up this morning and quickly was filled with gratitude.  Usually, by this time of year, I am burnt out on working.  I am ready for four days off for Thanksgiving with family, and I usually am running on fumes.  This morning I came down stairs to our fridge and saw the calendar and realized we are a week away from "Thanksgiving Break".  I was amazed to realize that I don't even feel like I need a break, it will just be a nice bonus to have one.  It will be nice to see family, eat turkey and celebrate what we are blessed with. 

I like to think back at time in terms of how you change from year to year,  like where I was a year ago...  A year ago, I was in my third trimester of pregnancy.  I had just gotten over two months of stuffy noses and plugged up ears and started getting a food allergy reaction, a knot in my back, and swelling.  I was just finishing up work with one of the most exhausting cases which led to me getting wrongfully accused of "slander" by a father upset that I called CPS on his household after his 8 year old showed several signs of sexual abuse and neglect (legally required of me to do in the state of Indiana).  This was in addition to almost 40 other kids I was seeing for various mental health issues.  There was never enough time, never enough energy, and never enough resources for me to feel like I made a difference.  Each day, I left the office never complete with work but always completely drained.  It was a very stressful time.  I was coming home with migraines and feeling so tired that I usually came home and went to sleep around 5 or 6 at night, only waking for dinner.  Pregnancy is hard.  I don't think I had any other image than the pregnancy "glow" which I think was more like a two week period somewhere early September after morning sickness stopped...

This year is so very different.  

My child, who I was unsure I ever thought I would have, is not only alive but so well.  She's gabbing up a storm, is healthily attached to me and Chris, crawling and side stepping, appropriate weight and height, and is meeting all of her milestones before they are "due".  She is a happy baby.  A good baby.  A baby that I love to spend all day with.  We are forming a tiny little relationship and it's so amazing to be here day to day to witness all these cool new firsts.  

My marriage, while not always perfect, is such a blessing.  We have molded into two mature people (most of the time) who God continues to bless with friendship, resources, and support. I can't say enough about Chris.  He is a patient man who saves his leadership for times when it really matters.  He is so easy going that it's almost hard to upset him.  His has a huge heart for our family, our daughter, and he is one of the best dad's I know.  Chris has stepped up and become a truly honorable husband this year.  He is quiet about his good deeds and won't flaunt them.  He doesn't seek admiration and he doesn't rub in his work into my face.  Sometimes I miss all that he does because he is so humble.  He works hard, at work and at home.  He is my helper and even though I have found our passions vary with what we love to do at times, we appear to balance each other out.  We are growing into our marriage and I find more joy in it than I did those early months.  I find we are a unit.  We are a team.  And while the rest of the world often feels hard to push through, I feel like my sanctuary is within our marriage. 

Our Church is our family.  A large family of over 10,000 or more in the congregation these days, but family none the less.  When I started attending Grace in 1999 about this time of year, I knew one person, my friend's father who took me when I expressed interest in going to church.  Today, I know hundreds of those peoples and for seasons of my life we serve, grow, pray, and worship together.  I look at how each area of our church has also served me and what a blessing it is to attend there.   

Our families who this year have out done themselves in being present for us in time of need.  I am thankful for them in times of joy like KK's birth and times of sorrow like my grandma's passing.  I am thankful that despite our differences we still love one another so much to forgive daily and be close.  I am especially thankful for

my mom.  She has helped me so much this year.  From adjusting to motherhood, helping me with 4 months of trying to breastfeed an infant whose throat muscles weren't well developed, going to doctor's appointments, and always bailing me out when I can't find a baby sitter, she is pretty much my life saver right now.  We talk almost daily, usually because I'm lonely and she's my best friend.  Since my grandma has gotten older, I have found that there isn't the reciprocal relationship like there used to be, and it's been a joy to watch my mom and I grow closer as I have become a wife and mother.  We don't always agree, and I don't always take her advice, but she's always there for me.   

My small group is my other rock.  They are a three other couples who have been with Chris and I since our first summer of marriage.  They have challenged us, supported us, been there on days like when I quit my job and I was unsure if God would provide.  They have watched our kid, watched our dog, and always been there to pray for us.  We have served together, discerned life together, and worshiped together.  They are truly good people that God has placed in our life. 

My friends are evolving and changing this year.  Mainly because having a child was such a game changer.  I am amazed by the people who helped us prepare for Kaylie.  I am more amazed by all the people who came this year to help us.  Our pastor's wife came over quite often and prayed for me, made us dinner, bought me things to help with breastfeeding, and gave me tons of resources to try and make good decisions.  Many of my pledge sisters who I continue to grow closer to as we grow and mature, and they see me and support me even though our lives look so different.  Friends from work, who held my hand when I quit and told me it was ok.  Friends who also became moms who shared in the joy and the frustrating days.  We have so many good friends near and far that I am overwhelmed with their love.

My job has been another amazing blessing God has given us.  It has gone from one client in March to almost 30 now in November.  My cup overflows and most days I have more work than I can do.  I am booked pretty solid these days, even starting KK in daycare two days a week in the new year because I am so busy.  I am so blessed at work.  It's energizing.  There is no micromanaging.  And well there are still crappy things to do like bill claims, unclog toilets, and accounting meetings all of which are not as much my passion as therapy,  but I am doing REAL THERAPY.  No more life skills, no more just accessing people to resources, but real therapy that I went to school for.  It's so amazing.

My home is another miracle.  The neighborhood we never thought we would be able to afford three years ago is now our home.  It's not just a house.  It's a neighborhood with really good people who share tools, have BBQ's, go our for drinks, help each other.  My neighbor who found out KK wasn't swallowing well and relieved me of the pressure that I sucked at breastfeeding.  She's been to our home countless times this year to help.  She is not my neighbor anymore, she's my friend.  I am so lucky to have her and about a dozen other really amazing women (and their families) in my life around here.  I can't see moving.  No other neighborhood has this many cool people in it.  This house is 22 years old.  We need a new shower, front windows and a list of a million other things that could use a face lift or to be redone, but it's our home.  And we grow into it and it just feels more like home. 

My Macy who is the best dog on the planet (except when she digs holes in the yards, chews up stuff that I leave out, sheds all over, and whoo's at us before it's time to get up).  My parents who always said dogs were a lot of work forgot to tell us about all the joy they bring.  While Macy requires lots of love and brushing and vacuuming, she is also the most loyal and loving pal we could have asked for.  She gets her fur pulled and for months she listened to a crying baby.  She never left my side during pregnancy and we layed together those days after work when I had nothing to give and she just put her head into me and slept.  She is my dream dog.  She is our best friend.  We will love her every day God gives us to her because she is just a treasure and a joy to have.

Relationships are clearly very important to me.  I think of the list of people I could site as truly important to me, and I can't even narrow it down to 30 or 50.  We have some really awesome people in our lives.  Some I see weekly, some I see monthly, some I only see on a rare occasion like a wedding or a yearly trip, but we are blessed to know so many wonderful people.  I wish the world was smaller or they invented teleports.  Sometimes I just miss some of them.  Sometimes in the business of life we don't talk.  But the ones who see past all that, and love me just the same, are truly precious gifts.  I have been showered in love this year.

It's not 26 days of thankfulness, but it is so much of how I feel today and through out this year.  I have a family, great business partners, church family, real family, friends and neighbors who are my joy.  I am thankful for peppermint mocha creamer in my coffee all year round (thank you coffeemate), NBC shows like Parenthood, Biggest Loser, and the TODAY show, Fisher's Library, Woodland Animal Clinic, Fishers Pediatrics, Facebook :), my GMC Terrain, and my sweat pants.  I have so many staples to our little life.  I have so many things that makes each day consistent yet unique.  I am thankful for all kinds of food and beverages, but thankful for mainly the fact that I have food daily and don't worry about hungry.  I am thankful I can afford to buy Christmas presents.  I am thankful for access to healthcare.  I am thankful I have warm winter clothes.  I am thankful I am safe and live in a safe country because despite all the violence on the news, we have a good country.  It is safe compared to so many countries where people are in fear all of the time.  I am thankful for all our military does for us to keep those freedoms.  I am thankful for Charles Schwab & Co for employing Chris and giving him a paid paternity leave and a paid sabbatical.  It's not the best yearly salary in the world, but we are a couple who both love our jobs.. that is rare..

I am thankful for so much.  More than 26 days worth.  Our cup runneth over.  Our hearts do, too.  Thank you for reading my blog.  The letters and emails I have gotten inspire me to write in my darkest moments.  I hope this is a blessing some day to you.  HAPPY THANKSGIVING (a week early) :)

A Turning Point

There must have been something about buying size 14 pants that was a wake up call.  Maybe more so seeing that I had some how placed getting back into shape at the bottom of my priority list since I went on family vacation in July.  I had lost about 55 pounds prior to the trip and pretty much caved back into old habits when I went back to my job.  After 30 days and then moving solely into working in my private office, my anxiety reached an all time high.  There was excitement, success, but also fear about failing.  Two months later, I am realizing I am making it.  I am no longer struggling day to day with lingering feelings.  Sure, I occasionally get nervous, but I feel like I am growing in confidence every day that I made a transition, a successful transition, to private practice.  I am able to pay the bills and now I am doing so well in the business that I am just trying to figure out how to free up more time, so I can keep working a little more.  I have figured out how to juggle the mom ball, the work ball, the house ball as best as I can.  I am sleeping, caring for myself better and finally ready to take on the weight again.

I wore my new outfit to work, felt better in it, but had this lingering feeling that I can't be content to stay in this size.  It's not a healthy weight even after a baby.  So while I am content that I am making progress, I realize with winter and holidays coming I need another push to take it up a notch.  I need motivation to get back on the eating well AND working out train...  Motivation....

Today, I reorganized the garage after my morning sessions.  I pulled down the treadmill and moved some things out of the way, so I no longer can't say I can't go for a run or a walk during the day.  We have a TV and DVD player for workouts and weights to kick it up a notch.  We have an ab ball, a sit up mat, and lots of workouts from Men's Health Magazine.  On the wall is a list of old times from running right before I got pregnant.  I was working on getting my two mile time under 25 minutes.  I stood looking at it in my work clothes.  I thought, I will walk.  Baby is asleep.  Treadmill is ready and hooked up.  So I walked, and then I thought, I want to go faster.  So I ran a mile... in my size 14 dress pants....  It was a slow mile, but a mile none the less.  I haven't really run like that in months.  Maybe since even before I got pregnant, but it felt wonderful.  I could tell my strength had shifted from my legs to my arms from carrying a big old 20 pound baby all the time.  I could feel the fluff, but I also felt like inside I was still strong and still able to do it.

I didn't have a full workout.  I burned 103 calories which is pretty much like half of a cookie, but I didn't make another excuse to sit on facebook or just do another chore during nap time.  I did something for me.  I feel better.  I feel more awake.  Now, I just need to figure out the motivation to do this daily... for me... for my Turks and Caicos body...

I am thinking of printing a picture of the beach.  I know when I stand in my one piece swim suit on the beach I want to stand as confident as I can because I took care of myself.  I am going to keep eating right and try to keep cutting out the extra junk I don't really need.  And I am going to try my best to keep running.  I need to make new habits as a mom, so KK can see what it means to live a healthy life.  Hope to find motivation, inspiration, and endurance to start a new habit and continue to try and get back to a healthier lifestyle.

Another Means to an End of the Muffin Top

Yesterday I was getting ready for work.  I have this collection of pants I still haven't braved to put on... well, I tried...  And the victory music trailed off when I buttoned them.  The dreaded "Muffin Top" appeared...  Ugh!  I tried to comfort myself by thinking of how long I had these J.Crew Khakis and how many times I have dried them (Clearly that dryer shrunk them...).  And clearly, they were too small, but I tried to initially make it work.  I put on my post-natal Belly Bandit... I felt like I had wrapped myself in cellophane and all my insides were smashed together.  I felt heartburn setting in and still noticed that "bump" above my pant line.   It was a much smoother version but everything just felt wrong and smashed and uncomfortable.  I have had the same size pants since I was about 18.  I remember when I moved out of single digits into size 10's, and I thought to myself that eventually, I would go back to being an 8 and life would be great.  I wore a size 8 starting in fourth grade when I moved out of the clothes from Limited Too and braved into the Juniors world.  Everyone said my clothes ran a little big but I knew what the smaller size looked like... knew how it felt... and knew that I was what I was...

So today, I realized I have to stop avoiding the inevitable.  I can't keep wearing only 3-4 pairs of pants in my collection that still fit.  Now that capri season is over, my pant choices especially for work were a pair of Loft pants and a pair of J.Crew light khakis that I had bought right before I got pregnant (I hadn't really dried them too much so they were roomier).  Yesterday, I caved and wore my maternity pants with the elastic band all the way up to my bra.  Ugh, I am 9.5 months post-natal and I put on those maternity pants and an aura of defeat lingered in my brain the rest of the night.  I have to stop pretending that I am magically going to fit into some of these pants.  The number on the scale has remained 164 since July.  I have prioritized work, baby care and housework over weight loss.  This is the price I pay for that...

I packed up the little lady and headed to Castleton Mall.  The first couple stores, I couldn't even look.  I couldn't even think.  What size, what length... what will it look like... ?  No one offered help, so I just left.  Then I traveled to the Loft... "our sizes run big here so you are probably a 10 still", she said, "but I will grab a 12 just in case".  I said to myself... "try on the big ones and when they are too big you will feel awesome"...  Over the knees, the thighs, over the butt, buttoned just right.  No bagginess, no room to grow.  12.  Size 12.  That's my size now?  Maybe it's the cut.  I look down... "Julie, our curvy fit".  Damn...  the other style is the skinny fit, and I am clearly not getting to go down to a 10.  Despite them fitting I pressed on in the search.  Maybe just maybe there will be a magical size 10 pant that fits me.  Maybe?

The trusty Limited.  A land of classy clothes that always make me feel rich in style and texture.  I have a few Limited pants and I like them.  I tell the pregnant sales woman... ugh, I need help.  She kindly smiles and tells me about her pregnancy.  I remember.  I remember getting bigger and bigger.  Fearing these moments where I realize I hit the point of no return.  I am a mother now.  I have those motherly hips, people comfort themselves by describing them as such.  She grabs a 14 and a 12.  I try my strategy again..  14 will be too big right...?  My mother wears a 14.  My grandma wears a 14.  But not me... I don't, do I?  Over the knees up to the belly, buttoned.... Rats, I wear a 14.  I double check and say, "my friends say I always buy my clothes too big, what do you think?"  She said, "I don't see how those would be any too big, they fit your body really well".  Woof...  I am a 14.  She says it's just a number.  Like age, it's just a number...  I am slightly crushed on the inside. 

 

Well, I no longer have a muffin top in my dress pants.  I look classy, fabulous, and am able to now wear the shirts I avoided because of my muffin fluff.  So in a way I am happy because I don't feel fat in my new pants.  Maybe I will cut out the tag.  Part of me knows, I am still fatter than I want to be.  The pants are a double edged sword: make me feel skinnier but also need to motivate me to lose that weight I've been holding on to.  Maybe I will use it to motivate myself back into my old pants, and maybe part of me needs to just "get over it" and accept that my new mom body is a tad bit wider.  I am active, healthy, eat good foods and I am slowly toning places.  I have a lot more I could do but with starting a business, having a baby and dog, and caring for a home, I think I've hit a limit on all that I can add in.  Maybe this is another leg of the journey where I accept where I am and wait for the sun to rise.  I have to keep climbing but I have to also be ok that I am not at my goal. 

I treated myself to a new sweater, too.  I want to make it a look.  I am wearing it tonight.   I am about to look hot and get a few compliments.  They will never know I wear a 14.  It is just a number.  It's just my pants size.  It's just who I am right now. 

Next May we go to Turks and Caicos for a friend's wedding.  I know I will probably be the largest of my sorority sister friends.  I am one of two of us that are moms.  I am the only one with stretch marks that cover 80% of my stomach.  But I am married to a wonderful man, with a great family, a wonderful home, and with my faith.  I am not everything I want to be, but I have so much that I would never trade for a size 2 bikini body.  I might not be skinny but I know I am still so many other wonderful things.  I won't stop until I am fit again... I guess it's just taking a little longer than it does for other people.  Ok... enough comforting myself.  Time for work.  Time to go look hot in my "right now pants".  They are pretty cute even in a size 14...

The Infinity List

Every Monday I edit and update my "to do list".  This list is my anxiety's way of feeling like I have some sense of ability to manipulate my environment and feel in control again.  Usually, I laugh as I get to about a half page into it and recognize there is no way I am completing it in one week much less one day.  I have started accepted those "special projects" don't happen unless I abandon everything else and allow my house to go into tornado zone.  That would be when there are tumbleweeds of dog hair in the hallway, piles of laundry up and down the hallway, trash to go out, toys across the whole main floor and "just piles of crap to put away".  There is always a healthy thing on there like "go for a walk" or "do a workout dvd" that I never get to because I will always clean anything before I commit to working out.  I'd rather clean toilets, showers, floors, just about ANYTHING before I workout.  And there are those items I call, "God wouldn't it be nice if I had time to...".  Lately those things are like, rearrange the rest of the stuff in the office I have never put away, put the little baby clothes in the garage, take in the patio furniture, puree fresh baby food, or bake something healthy.  Every Monday baby and doggy are usually pooped from the busy weekend.  She takes longer naps and Macy usually is content to veg under her front yard tree.  And me?  Well, I stay in my PJ's most of the day racking out as many progress notes, claims and piles of laundry that I can...  Usually, there is dinner in a crock pot, dryer bells going off, half finished projects throughout the house.  I know some day I will finish vacuuming...

Today was a victory in some ways and probably God thinking "it's about time your realized that" moment for me.  At 3:23, I successfully completed all my claims, notes, and paperwork for my business.  I have all of my receipts in the budget for our home and all the accounting is up to date for my business.  I am showered and ready for work.  The house isn't THAT bad right now and my laundry is two small loads from being completely finished.  While I can see at least a dozen more items that "could" get done, I feel like I have finished all the items that I really REALLY wanted to get done.  I feel victorious because lately I am into Tuesday before I get to the end of my stack and I am never dressed for work before 4...

I am starting to be ok with the fact that things are not "perfect".  What is acceptable to me today, was formally deemed "complete disaster" before I had a child.  I wanted every pillow fluffed, beds made, sink empty from dishes, and dog hair always swept up.  Today, I accept and recognize that I am NOT superwoman and this to do list grows faster than I can work.  I am picking up way more clients.  I am doing doing doing all week long.  I am still 10 pounds above baby weight, but we keep trying. 

I know the list is going to keep getting additions.  I am about to add some right now, but for a brief moment, I wanted to savor that I am not just transferring a bunch of stuff onto a new list, but I am actually completed with the bulk of things for a week.  I am done for a moment.  It feels so good!  I have had to learn to celebrate a new kind of me.  I used to be about perfection, and now I am about survival.  I am learning to give up doing "good" things so I can feel "good".  I am drinking water, taking time out to shower and use the restroom.  These are all major gains for me.  I am about having a balanced life, not one that always fits into a pretty little box.  Every piece of my life has it's flaws and areas for improvements, but overall, I know I am giving it the best effort I can while still valuing everything else.

Losing my grandmother made me realize somethings.  In the last two years, I used to call her on my way home from work a few times a month.  She was always sitting alone in her apartment, while I was busy doing doing doing.  In those hours, I was frequently looking at my watch thinking about what I would or could be doing instead of being on the phone.  I remember getting inpatient sometimes.  I remember forgetting to call back some weeks when she wasn't there and being unrealistic about everything I NEEDED to get done.  And while I know I made many efforts to be there, I think about the fact that now she's gone.  I can't just call her up anymore.  I can't make time rewind and give her my free minutes.  Our lives are short, precious gifts.  Our relationships are glimmers of moments added together to create meaning and love.  Our houses will always be dirty.  There will always be 1000 things I need to do, want to do, could do, should do, would do, but need to choose not to do, so I spend my time wisely with those God put in my life.  It might not be perfect, it might not be up to someone else's standard, but today I feel accomplished...  Too bad I hear on the monitor, afternoon nap is over for baby... back to work.... the best job in the world :)

When Nine Months on Isn't Nine Months Off

In a matter of days (3), my daughter will be nine months old.  She is amazing.  Full of life, crawling, standing, jibbering and jabbering.  She is the light of my world.  Nine months ago seems like a blink of an eye, yet, so much has happened since she changed my world one chilly February morning.  My visions of motherhood are a bit tainted.  After years of nannying, I forgot just how truly exhausting having a baby is, and how little doesn't get done simply because it's a choice between intentionally playing and loving on this little bundle you've created or ignoring them so you can some what do something for yourself.  I will admit.  I still have moments where I go to the bathroom, get the mail, put groceries away and cook a meal or work on paperwork of some kind, but outside of the essentials to life, I have struggled to find time.

That brings me to today's post.  When Nine Months On Isn't Nine Months Off.  Fifty pounds ago, I was pregnant.  An eight pound baby came out, but the rest of that weight was simple me eating anything and everything under the sun.  I wasn't one of those fit pregnant people.  My idea of a work out was actually getting out for work, walking the dog a half a mile, or attending a yoga class for 30 minutes.  I usually slept 14 hours a day and ate anything I could find.  I gained about 54 pounds give or take a few since I have since bought a scale and realized my old one weighed a little light.

A friend of mine, early in the weight loss program post natal said, "nine months on and nine months off".  I said, I hope it doesn't take THAT long.  I worked hard.  I did weight watchers for three months, clean eating, and calorie reducing.  I have had times I was walking 45-60 minutes daily and times I was doing Jillian Michaels Shred DVD's.  But here I am stuck a good 10 pounds above pre-baby weight today as after my grandma passed away I gained back a few pounds. 

It's hard to see and accept that what if my body does hold this weight until I am done having kids.  What if, I never really truly find the time for myself.  What if I just keep making excuses?  I could easily run for 20 minutes a day during nap time and finish paperwork later.  I could easily even just stay consistent with my daily walks, but I am so good at finding 1000 other things to do besides working out, and I am a huge sucker for a greasy cheeseburger with fries, an ice cream cone, and a whole lot of carbs.  I am not nearly as bad as I once was.  My cabinets looks vastly different and our eating habits have greatly improved....  But, I am still not where I want to be.

Usually in these moments, I recommit.  I get an even more intense plan and try harder.  But today, I just feel like surrendering.  It's been a really challenging year.  Had a baby, quit my job, started a new business, got licensed, lost my grandmother, had to learn how to surrender to not parenting the way I planned.  Everything in my life is harder than I plan on it being.  Grad school, getting my MFT license, having a house, and definitely being a parent.   I even have a pretty easy baby and I am still overwhelmed a lot of the time.  I have done a lot.  I have still maintained friendships including my marriage.  I have still been there for my family and friends.  I have still kept a nice house and yard.  I still am on top of my finances, my business paperwork, and I am still able to keep my promises most of the time. 

These last nine months, I have grown into being a mother.  I still have so much more learning to do.  I have poured myself into my daughter, my business, and keeping up with everything else in my life, it's no wonder I am still holding on to my comfort foods from time to time.  It's no wonder I haven't lost 60 pounds in 9 months.  I guess I am just going to have to surrender to the fact that I can't be it all, do it all, and lose it all.  Maybe if the circumstances were different.  Maybe all moms just aren't alike.  Either way, I am struggling to accept it, but I am trying to realize sometimes it just doesn't work out for you no matter how hard you try.  But I will just keep trying.  Just keep eating healthy and being active.  One day it will all work itself out. 

Continuing to Find the Meaning of Life

2013 continued to be a year of highs and lows.  My grandmother passed away Thursday, October 24th sometime in the night.  She is one of six people I have attended their funeral.  One of three direct relatives to die in my lifetime.  I'd like to say that I am comfortable with death since I am a therapist and have talked about loved ones dying and how to transition, but I suck at it.  This death was particularly odd for me.  More feelings of happiness for my grandma, but obviously sadness for the change and transition.  As I was reading her eulogy, my lack of emotion came to a head and I was overwhelmed with grief.  My grandmother was a widow for almost 20 years.  Her life was hard.  I couldn't even write about all she came through because she was a pretty private person.  She didn't say much and she certainly didn't tell my mother what she went through.  After the funeral, I heard more stories about things I had wondered about but didn't know. 

I'm now left back in my "usual life" with a lot of information, feelings, and ideas that I am slowly tying into who I am and who I want to be.  I spent years trying to get to know my family, and found that there are so many deep and dark secrets on both sides for generations.  We all have our junk.  But seeing how that junk impacts other people in the family tree was particularly alarming.  How I love or fail to love has huge implications for how my child loves and how she loves her children.  That impacts down the line and down the line. 

I learned that as terrible as my grandmothers life was, she chose to break the cycle on many of those issues and unfortunately she internalized that pain.  I saw the effects of that internalizing, but never really understood the cause.  I work with trauma victims all the time and Grandma screamed "trauma" to me, but I never really put it all together.  The Great Depression, the domestic violence, the drinking, the racism, then poverty and death.  87 years to come from that back to a life where everyone has died and you can't take care of yourself. 

We don't like to think about death or what it really means.  We like to think of life and this opportunity to do such great things, but in the last week, I feel like I have seen peace in death.  That when God takes you home, sometimes that's the most peaceful part of all.  This world is full of brokenness and pain.  It's full of loneliness.  It's full of hurt and disappointment.  As great as this world can feel it's only a glimmer of heaven.  It's only a sand grain of God's goodness.  That's the hope that I have.  And my job, well, it makes me feel much better and much more joy to continue to serve people in the mess.  If I can't help ease the pain and help transition people through the fight, then I suppose that's a honor.  I wish Grandma would have had more support than she did.

When someone reads my eulogy, I want them to be happy for me, but sad at the same time.  I want to have a list of such good memories but reality that life is more than a series of paychecks, a series of vacations or purchases.  Life is little moments and memories with your family and friends.  It's about finding joy even in hard times. It's about perception, and I guess if my grandmother did one thing really well was that she focused on people and relationships.  Her one desire was to maintain and grow friendships.  She loved to talk on the phone, she loved to visit or go out to eat with people.  She loved to golf, play cards, bowl, and be social.  She was a home maker after she had kids, and I never really heard her say she wished she had more money or more professional development. 

I guess I am finishing this a little farther along...  I am realizing how blessed I have already been in my life, and I just want to stay intentional about the truly important things.  I just want to remind myself what really matters.  I don't think I will get to the end of my life and say, "I could have made more money" or "you know I could have gotten my doctorate if I really wanted to".  Some days will simply be laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of dirty diapers.  But my attitude, my heart, and my joy is what will be remembered by my child.  Thank you Grandma for enduring with a smile.  I think you have always been a go-getter and a busy little lady up until the end.  I am remembering those Christmas card photos of you and grandpa in your Florida paradise.  I bet you're there now... in your cute top, next to him, in that warm sunshine smiling from ear to ear.  You're home now.  You're safe.  You're loved....

Putting my Blinders On

I feel like 2013 has been a year of peaks.  Excitement and joy followed by periods of anxiety and confusion.  I've gone from being a full time therapist in community mental health newly married and financially secure, to a mother, part-time therapist, business owner and living what feels like week to week based on my practice.  It's a bit of a tight rope walk most days.  Trying to balance the weight of everything, and praying each step that I don't fall over or lose sight of the goal.

 When I worked in the school, the kids who had trouble concentrating use to tell me that it felt like every time they tried to do work, it felt like all the other stuff in the room got in the way.  I used to tell these poor children living in the worst zip code in Indy about how the horses downtown who pulled the carriages had the same problem.  I told them about things called "blinders" that horses wear to help them.  They had seen the horses and were impressed they were able to walk with the cars.  They had an idea of the kind of stress it would be like to need to be brave, walk forward, and push on despite loud and confusing distractions.  They listened to the story about blinders and how they helped the horses do their job, and then we would create blinders with their hands so they got the concept.

I feel like lately, I could use some life skills in creating my own blinders.  My mind is scattered with a mixture of things to do, things I see could be done, and then reminders of things I started but forgot to do.  Transition and anxiety for me are like ADHD but on a part time basis.  I could benefit from a stimulant medication these days.  I could benefit from someone sitting down with me and forcing me to prioritize my tasks.  I could use a maid, a chef, a secretary, and a nanny.  I would have a full days work for each of them so that I could just love KK and do therapy.  But I am just one horse...  one horse with a full load to carry.

I am really good at organizing myself, but lately I am just overwhelmed.  It's been about one month since I down sized just to private practice, and I find I am still letting the noise get to me.  It's certainly gotten better.  I can fall asleep without racing thoughts.  I can keep up with most of the housework, and all my progress notes are still done each week, but I forgot to listen to my body.  I forget to pee, eat, and rest when I need to.  Yesterday, I heated up a cup of soup in the microwave.  Between putting away dishes, feeding the baby, and cleaning the counter tops, I forgot I had made it.  I had open and shut the microwave after it cooked so I could finish loading waters into the fridge, and then I totally spaced I had cooked it.  So about thirty minutes goes by and my stomach growls.  I thought, why am I still hungry, I just ate......  .....  .....  .....  I don't remember eating anything...  I remember cooking, but not eating... (I looking in the microwave).  Oh... 

I realize I am busy doing all of the outside things of this world, and still forgetting to focus on me.  So I don't eat, but then mindlessly binge later.  I don't rest throughout the day, so I crash at night.  I don't manage my anxiety, so I snap at my hubby later in the day.  By 10pm, I am physically sore, mentally shot, and emotionally shut down.  I am overwhelming myself because I can't find a way to shut out the noise and senseless extra crap that doesn't matter.

In Proverbs 4:25, the writer says, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you."  The whole chapter is about wisdom and how we become wise and closer to God when we lose sight of all of the other unnecessary junk.  We gain peace and understanding when we look only towards God.  But how the heck do you do that?  How do I remain a productive member of society, a mindful parent, and a loving wife who selflessly seeks to love and provide for my husband?  How do I be in this world, but not of it?  How do I have a clean and loving home and still fix my eyes on Jesus?

 

I am coming to a point in my life where I am starting, just starting to, accept life is never pretty.  The farther I get from my own blissful ignorance of childhood, the messier this world gets.  I have moments of pure joy and clarity but they are in the context of a broken world.  There are no blinders to being an adult.  No reality filter which only gives you the good stuff.  We aren't designed to function that way.  But we have to "refocus" our eyes regularly so that we don't get sucked up by the overwhelming brokenness that surrounds us.  We have to pick our eyes up to God and look at things from a bigger, broader perspective than the one we get here on the ground.  

I am learning in my life that I have to create divine appointments with God.  The pace of this world is so fast.  The days speed by like drops of water out of a bucket.  So many moments are moving by, and here I am.  I can get lost in it, freeze and panic in anxiety, or I can make my own blinders with my mind and keep walking towards the goal.  I have to fix my eyes on taking care of things in priority and start being ok with the things left undone.  While it's not easy, it's the only thing I think that will break the chains of chaos in my mind.  It's the only thing that will allow me to be mom, therapist, wife, homeowner.  It's that re-centering process that I need to do, but usually forget doing...  I need blinders, too.  There's so much to see and do, and I can't see and do it all.   I have to be purposeful, mindful, and conscious of my time.  It is after all my greatest gift...