27 days ago, Chris and I embarked on a journey together. Feeling extra fluffy after the holiday season, not only were our pants a little tight but our energy levels were crazy low. We joined a wonderful pool last year, and so from May until September we basically live in a swim suit whenever we are not at work. With not much on the calendar as far as celebrations and such, we thought it might be a good time to get back on track and try something crazy to get us back to eating healthier and losing weight rather than gaining. Chris, the sugar addict, was dipping into the kids snack box after hours, and me, the bland carb craver, had made Panera and Jersey Mike's a rotation at work lunches and my portion sizes were anything but light. We were eating like teenagers but we now have adult metabolism (adulting is hard)...
So, its the Whole 30 but we only did the Whole 27. With some success you might ask, "why give up at 27?", and sheepishly, I would tell you that at least for myself, I am notorious for pooping out in the last 100 meters of the race, however, I am trying not to look at it as pooping out. We have a fun Easter weekend planned with our family, and honestly, we were just burnt out... One can only eat so many vegetables in a month :)
But part of the Whole 30 is to reflect on the experience and that I think has emotional value to it... so here it goes...
Week 1 was a mixture of "we can totally do this" and "oh my Lanta my body hates me". Within 48 hours of giving up all grains, sugar, and processed food (oh, and dairy), you start to feel sick. Hung over. Headaches, nausea, fatigue... that "we can totally do this" was the first 48 hours, but after two amazing breakfasts of eggs, you miss the toast. You miss the flavored creamer. You miss your food routine, the crutches of comfort you have some how found after years of grocery shopping that just add a spark to your day. Suddenly, every day is rainy. You're standing in front of the refrigerator, frozen... what can I eat? And everything your mind and heart goes to, your list says "NO". And so you stand there... I survived by telling myself that I had eaten it all before and this was all temporary and to just suck it up and eat something on the list.
Some days were better than others. The day I discovered W30 muffins, rekindled my love for bacon, and the day I ventured out and made paleo chicken salad. There were mornings where I woke up and even with a full bladder, I felt less bloated and started to see that last of my baby belly deflate. Those moments were what I held on to as positive momentum. Those moments usually make the really hard moments somewhat bearable.. And I say that all very tentatively because I don't just like food, I really love it. And I don't go for the good for you stuff, I go for absolute crap.
A few days ago, my relapse prevention plan started to fail me. The kids were cracked out on some kind of cabin-fever-fed energy that no mother could contain. The dull lack of sugar headache, which never really went away from me the entire 27 days, was starting to kick in, and I just felt deflated. I got pink eye two days prior, couldn't run at the gym, and all of the sudden the need to eat at home to stay compliant felt like a prison cell. In talking to a friend who asked what I ate growing up, I realized that compared to my childhood snacking habits, I had become a much healthier mother. I rarely ate fresh fruit as a kid... I forced down a few vegetables at dinner covered in cheese or tucked amidst mashed potatoes. But I never liked them. Even bananas, I used to slice on top of cheerios with cow's milk and then sprinkled extra sugar on top!!
By fourth grade, my mom mentioned to the pediatrician at a check up that "I was getting a little husky". He suggested cutting down on soda and switching to milk. Get more active was the other suggestion. But back in those days of latch key and summers home with my sister, we probably went every couple hours and heated up pizza rolls, other processed Sam's Club food, bologna sandwiches, chips, Oreos, tons of cereal, bagels and cream cheese, grilled cheese, macaroni and cheese, pizzas, and various other carb laden crap that tasted good but in the amount that I was eating, was excessive. Puberty hit and I grew taller. I was always conscious of my weight after that. Aware that I was "too big" so I would just eat less for awhile. Started to do Weight Watchers plan in high school, low carb diets by college, followed by more Weight Watchers, South Beach, Adkins, Stop Light, 21 Fix, Paleo, Gluten Free... etc etc etc etc...
After being diagnosed with PCOS in 2015, it started to make a lot more sense. My body craves sugar, struggles to process it correctly, and then turns it into my problem. After having two babies, I have lost 55 pounds both times. I have mastered the art of manipulating my food, pushing my body, and losing weight, but I haven't lost my relationship with food. This Whole 30 business only proved that more to myself. I felt isolated without food. Hiding in my office alone during a lunch break instead of sitting by the fireplace at Panera felt lonely, tiring, and sad. I ate the food on the list and it was fine but it wasn't fun, The high of being skinny opposed to the social isolation of eating like a health nut wasn't balancing out my motivation. Prep cooking was a high but the eating was a low. All this built up and the food was mediocre at best. Sometimes, I just did not want to chew anymore.
The upside? Well, that's all the stuff on the website. The need for an afternoon nap went away by week two. I started to feel good at the gym and running and lifting was great and built on top of the high I was experiencing. I felt good in my clothes, felt inches melting off. I slept better and with less need to use melatonin or Tylenol PM. My anxiety seemed down. My caffeine intake was down and I saw the correlation that I was having with dining out, high sugar and increased caffeine. Physically, I felt pretty darn good.
Mentally and emotionally was the challenge. I was winning the battle but felt like as the month went on I was losing the war. I know, totally not what the testimonies say....
Food has a symbolism for many of us that is connection, comfort, stress relief, sensory experience, or sometimes a medium at which to have social exchanges. We can eat healthier foods but within a culture that cares little about the quality of ingredients, the number of carbs, fat, sugar or calories, I found that it was more anxiety provoking to try to go out to eat but remain compliant. I found myself getting stressed out just thinking about the next meal. Some days, I just lacked the desire to even eat but did it once my stomach growled.
So in a sense, the people at whole 30 would probably tell me I need to start over. That's the point is to stop feeling with food... to start to eat for fuel not feeling. But then I had this philosophical and theological question (inner conversation/ text message with my seminary sister) about if I truly want to lose the symbolism, the culture, and power that food can have if lived in moderation. This month I have conversations with people who are vegan, vegetarian, ex-vegetarian, gluten free, paleo and long term whole 30. It was fascinating to see how people came to adopt the lifestyle. I never once felt I would be converted, but I knew my trigger food was dairy and Chris and I were addicted to carbs so it felt right to try this out to reset, but I did not come out of this wanting to be a purest. An non-GMO, whole food eater who could only eat locally grown produce... I am not that person. I mean I love me some Indiana Farmer's Market (honeslty for the fried egg rolls and walking tacos just as much as the fresh vegetables... but even so there's still a little bit of my Flint heritage that I just don't think I will ever give up...
Sometimes, you just need a coney dog with the sauce, and the bun, and the onions, and ... the fries and a coke... NONE OF THAT IS WHOLE 30, except the onions, but they surely are not organic.. Starlite Diner, you have my heart... (http://www.starlite1966.com/history.html)
Sometimes, you need to make your 92 year old grandmother's German potato salad (even though she's Irish).
Sometimes you get to eat a couple goldfishes and a square of PBJ off your kids left over lunch plate...
Sometimes you take your kid through a drive thru and don't just order a crappy salad
Sometimes you sit with your spouse over janky Chinese food and a netflix movie on volume 12 to not wake the kids up on a date night...
Sometimes you have pizza fridays, and ice cream... or PORTILLOS... because the kids want to go...
Sometimes you go to IKEA and eat meatballs...
Sometimes you get a 10 dollar meal deal at Little Caesars and take it to the pool and eat with your kids while you all swim together...
and sometimes you go to Panera and sit next to the fireplace and eat a bowl of their cream of chicken and wild rice soup until you can clean the bowl with the crust of the baguette.
I am that girl... But because of PCOS, because I want to be healthy and set a good example, because my kids are watching and I want to live to be 92 like gram... I have to find a balance. I have to stay active. I have to eat more vegetables and less processed food. But I still have to be me...
So on day 27 of the Whole 30, I made two eggs but popped a slice of organic Ezekiel bread in the toaster. I drank coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk and took the kids to the park. We went to the grocery store and I bought almost ALL healthy clean food (besides KK's nutty buddies and the ingredients for grams potato salad) but then also snacked on leftover frozen pizza before the kid's nap time. In a moment of defeat I said to myself... if you hate this so much, why are you doing it? To prove you can make it to 30? That's silly... that's not the point... The point is to do whatever is going to be good for you, for your family, for your life... and the word "balance" kept coming out from the friend who wondered if daily headaches for 27 days were really worth it...
So, we asked the kids what they wanted for dinner and like a true Bears fan, KK said, "Portillos".... so we went... and it was just as we remembered it... and we had an amazing time together and we came home and walked the dog over a mile and got ready for bed. Easter weekend is here. Christ died for our sins and rose again. In this life, we are just mere grains of sand on the beach. We have to eat out of necessity but it doesn't have to consume us and it shouldn't become an obsession of eating just right. To me, that's it's own kind of eating disorder, one of shame and control that while makes you thin, doesn't fulfill the gifts of your spirit. My parents used to say, "anything to an extreme is bad" and while I do resonate with that, I think being extreme for 27 days was enough to help me become very mindful of what food means to me. It made me aware of how I want to change. It might be more simple to just eat clean or do another round of Whole 30, but I want the challenge of finding balance in my life instead. I want to in the world sometimes. But I still want to continue to care for myself and my family by eating healthier the majority of the time.
Should you try the Whole 30, or the Whole 27...? Sure! I think change is always a good thing...
The problem with being lulled into believing that life can be simple is it creates impossible expectations-- we want happiness without unhappiness, entertainment without boredom, and love without risk. - Kenneth Hardy
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