Do Not Disturb

A few months ago while visiting a friend and her baby girl, I was talking to her about how hard it is to be a "mom" on my days when I am at home.  I told her how the phone was constantly ringing or dinging and a slew of emails trickled in while texts and calls were almost always coming through on the day my clients knew I was supposed to be at home.  I was discussing that being "part time" is not really part time, it's full time, in part time hours while trying to play mommy.  It was making lunches and returning phone calls, and playing at the park while rescheduling a late cancellation.  And very simply she looked at me and said, "every since I had her, I just started leaving my phone on do not disturb, then I answer any call I have whenever it works for us"....  My friend wasn't back to work yet, but discussed how the struggle to nurse and get a stream of text messages was a barrier to relaxing and just enjoying time with her daughter.  DO NOT DISTURB... I thought about it... I never set that boundary... except maybe while I sleep.

It took me awhile to adopt this concept.  Giving permission for myself and my daughter to go on do not disturb was a harder concept than I thought.  "Unplugging" so to speak is not necessarily a new concept, but one that I struggle with.  I feel a responsibility to be "on call", yet it's not a service I advertise as an out-patient therapist nor ones I think my clients expect.  The stream of emails that come throughout the day usually went to the trash folder and rarely did they need an immediate response. 

I had gotten used to my life interrupted.  Constantly.  And each ding or ring was becoming a slew of stressors so that I never was really "off" work.  I sat in session with my phone on silent but vibrate and could feel the texts and calls and emails.  I had some sessions where strands of things were happening and my mind felt pulled in two directions.  Oh no, is something wrong?  Someone at home need me?  Usually, it was nothing.  A random couple texts with no immediate response required, but I was racing to find out what was going on.  And my heart was racing, my mind, and energy.

Part of my summer has been trying to redefine balance.  I have started to put myself back on do not disturb for a period of time.  Sometimes a whole afternoon.  It's so freeing to just think and finish thoughts and activities.  I am more alert, less distracted and more willing to respond in an appropriate way when I choose to read the messages rather than have them thrown at me.  I find I miss less texts and am better and responding and not just reading them. 

But there's those days I think I can do it all.  Last Wednesday while trying to enjoy my day at home with little nugget, a lot was going on in the office, and I didn't choose "do not disturb".  I took every text and checked my email about 20 times before work.  I kept feeling stressed that this client kept saying more and more and more.  I felt obligated to respond to everything.  By the time it was time to go to work, I was burnt out, tired, and stressed.  I was irritable and had no energy.  I had skipped my workout for the day and tried to take a nap which was, you guessed it, interrupted by more alerts.  And I walked out the door after a bad exchange and I thought to myself, "why did I do this to myself?" 

Today, the dentist told me I will need to come back in to have a mouth guard fitted for sleep.  I am so stressed at night I am clinching my jaw shut and now my teeth are being damaged.  She looked me in the eyes and said, "you know what causes this right? It's stress."  I laughed it off blaming that who isn't stressed with a two year old, but I knew what she meant.  I catch myself doing it.  All the muscles in my body have times where I hold them, lock them, tense them and then I realize I am so sore.  So I put my phone back on do not disturb once I got into the car.  I turned off the noise today, made sure I worked out, ate right, logged my food.  I have lost a good chunk of weight in last 6 weeks, but I stop working the plan when stress hits me.  It consumes my energy and then I have nothing left to give.  My email and unread texts are clear but so is my gas tank. 

It's hard to be a mom, a house keeper, a wife, a therapist, a business owner, a chef, and a secretary, but I am finding the more I selfishly protect my time that's meant for rest and care, my self care time, the more I give a better me when I "go to work".  My client's still get a same day response, just not a same minute response.  My emails still get cleared out to 0 every day, just not 30x's a day.  It's a discipline to close the door and retreat.  It's a discipline to simplify and say no, but the energy I save in return is so worth it.  I am reading "Simplify" by Bill Hybels, and I hope to continue to find more moments where I can take good advice and integrate it into my soul.  I think it will make me better when I chose to be on.  I think I needed to process this concept, silently, as not doing it is causing me damage.  You don't get new teeth...  So I guess if you don't hear from me, I am probably playing, cooking, mothering, or working.  Don't worry, I will get back to you, just give me some space... do not disturb...