Toddlers Are Assholes... yep, I said it...

I am one hour and twenty minutes past turning her light out.  It was supposed to be one of those awesome nights that you plan for your family.  I know all my parent friends are already shouting the Amen because you know what I am about to talk about.  It was supposed to be a night out with friends to celebrate my main squeeze's birthday.  He works hard that big man, and he is such a good daddy to our little Taz (aka the Tasmanian devil).  I had made dinner plans at his favorite burger joint and discussed an after dinner night of bowling.  A few frat bro's, some beer for the dudes, and a night out for this couple.  By yesterday night, I realized that all my usual suspects for babysitters were not available, and I probably should have known and prepared for rain as my little sprinkle averages a 60/40 success rate for dinners longer than drive through...

So after compromising on an outfit and bribing her with ice cream, I thought I had a plan.  She knew where she was going, she knew the prize, she knew the expectations.  We talked about sitting in our seat.  The I phone was charged, the diaper bag had treats and toys to the brim.  We used our EXCITED voice to talk about Daddy's birthday party, and I should have know by her response that this would not go as my pretty picture in my mind was playing.

"Say, "Happy Birthday, DADDY!!", I said to K from the front seat.... "NOOO, it's MY BIRTHDAY" she screamed from her car seat.  Why I even thought I could argue that point makes me look stupid in hind sight.  I tried to explain that today was Daddy's day and he wanted a Bub's Burger.  And there would be cake, and bowling and ice cream and fun.  In my mind, we would hold hands (I know stupid, right?) down the main street and get in quickly and have a great dinner together and then get an ice cream.  We would go to the bowling ally and get a table and let her try a few throws to see the pins fall.  It was so beautiful in my mind....

But here is what my little nugget taught me about beautiful pictures in my head:

1. You are the mother of a two year old, not a 12 year old or a 22 year old for that matter.  There is no way we are going to make it through 3 hours of family activities around strangers without a fight.

2.  We don't hold hands anymore because we are BIG GIRLS and clearly are aware of all safety risks on the main road of a major suburb street.

3.  I don't need to stand with the family while they wait for 30 minutes for a table.  I will poop on a random set of stairs close to a road and yell at anyone who comes near me.

4.  I DO NOT sit in high chairs anymore, (this will immediately offend the toddler and send her into hysterics)

5.  When you say ice cream, it should be awaiting for us at the table, we shouldn't have to wait for it.

6.  Ice cream should always come in a cone or dish with a spoon, no whip cream or cherry and definitely not in the form of a milk shake... that's not ice cream.

7.  I don't like anything on the kids menu, so stop asking if I want chicken because I want NOTHING and everything all at the same time.

8.  FOCUS... on me, the toddler, I am all that matters.  Those baffoons you brought with you (I think you called them friends) are not important.  Dad's birthday is all about me.

9.  I prefer to hang out with the dog and the lady playing the guitar in the street... sitting by you fools is not of interest.

10.  Taking me out "for a break" messages to me that this dinner is over, so if you try to take me back I will throw a fit.

11.  If there are no places to pout or throw a tantrum, I will improvise.  Those disgusting rugs in the restaurant that haven't been washed since a week before last years health department visit will make a nice cozy place to lay my head... I mean entire body.  Everyone can walk around me and acknowledge that my parents have zero control over me.

12.  That dinner your ordered me is awful.  Why is the food hot?  You know I prefer my food room temperature.  Until it's the appropriate temperature, I will hide under the table.

13.  That I-Phone you brought me is not going to work this time.  I have seen every Netflix show on the entire kid's section and it's not worth watching now that we are out in public.  I will, however, want to watch the shows when I get home and we have a bigger screen.

14.  I spilled chocolate milk all over the table, and I decided to wipe it up with my shirt in the 30 seconds you pretended to listen to your friends.  Oh, sorry, I know it's hard to get out of white, but mom insisted on this stupid shirt.

15.  I ate three fries, I am ready to go... NOW...

16.  Nothing in that stupid bag will eleviate the utter sadness I have about this experience.  I must go... see that horse painted on the wall three rooms away.

17.  I pooped... AGAIN :)

18.  The first two times you brought me to the table weren't a success, why don't you people get it?  I am not sitting here.

19.  Wait, what, you're taking me home?  That was rude, I didn't even get to say goodbye, throw all my stuff on the floor, or get the attention of the WHOLE street as I screamed the entire way out to the car...

20.  Gosh, car seats are amazing.  They completely make me happy and quiet... and tired...  Let's go home and watch a show...  No TV?  Bedtime?  Oh, you have not even seen me at my worst...


2 hours into our night, we made it home.  I was probably blowing smoke from my ears and was sad that once again my dreams of being the perfect mom and wife were derailed.  It's hard being a mom.  It's hard being the center of attention in a crowd of a hundred people who are staring at your little asshole, I mean child.  As I laid her in bed and reviewed my disappointment, she rolled over and said, "go away".  Ok I said, "I love you, we will try again tomorrow".

I have just been schooled by a tiny human with little life experience.  And more than any semester long class in my masters program, I am humbled that everything I thought I knew about parenting and behavior modification isn't realistic sometimes.  Parenting is a constant school of hard knocks even with the best of resources, it can be so hard.  You learn you have no control except the option to leave sometimes.  To surrender.  And that's hard for me but I am learning to accept defeat with grace and calm down in my own time out of the driver seat before we get home.  I hope by the time she is my age she forgets all of our moments of awfulness and likewise we forget hers.

Happy Birthday, Chris.  I think for the next few years, our "day" is really still hers.  I vote for carry out and Netflix next year... or I will make sure to find a baby sitter ;)

Do Not Disturb

A few months ago while visiting a friend and her baby girl, I was talking to her about how hard it is to be a "mom" on my days when I am at home.  I told her how the phone was constantly ringing or dinging and a slew of emails trickled in while texts and calls were almost always coming through on the day my clients knew I was supposed to be at home.  I was discussing that being "part time" is not really part time, it's full time, in part time hours while trying to play mommy.  It was making lunches and returning phone calls, and playing at the park while rescheduling a late cancellation.  And very simply she looked at me and said, "every since I had her, I just started leaving my phone on do not disturb, then I answer any call I have whenever it works for us"....  My friend wasn't back to work yet, but discussed how the struggle to nurse and get a stream of text messages was a barrier to relaxing and just enjoying time with her daughter.  DO NOT DISTURB... I thought about it... I never set that boundary... except maybe while I sleep.

It took me awhile to adopt this concept.  Giving permission for myself and my daughter to go on do not disturb was a harder concept than I thought.  "Unplugging" so to speak is not necessarily a new concept, but one that I struggle with.  I feel a responsibility to be "on call", yet it's not a service I advertise as an out-patient therapist nor ones I think my clients expect.  The stream of emails that come throughout the day usually went to the trash folder and rarely did they need an immediate response. 

I had gotten used to my life interrupted.  Constantly.  And each ding or ring was becoming a slew of stressors so that I never was really "off" work.  I sat in session with my phone on silent but vibrate and could feel the texts and calls and emails.  I had some sessions where strands of things were happening and my mind felt pulled in two directions.  Oh no, is something wrong?  Someone at home need me?  Usually, it was nothing.  A random couple texts with no immediate response required, but I was racing to find out what was going on.  And my heart was racing, my mind, and energy.

Part of my summer has been trying to redefine balance.  I have started to put myself back on do not disturb for a period of time.  Sometimes a whole afternoon.  It's so freeing to just think and finish thoughts and activities.  I am more alert, less distracted and more willing to respond in an appropriate way when I choose to read the messages rather than have them thrown at me.  I find I miss less texts and am better and responding and not just reading them. 

But there's those days I think I can do it all.  Last Wednesday while trying to enjoy my day at home with little nugget, a lot was going on in the office, and I didn't choose "do not disturb".  I took every text and checked my email about 20 times before work.  I kept feeling stressed that this client kept saying more and more and more.  I felt obligated to respond to everything.  By the time it was time to go to work, I was burnt out, tired, and stressed.  I was irritable and had no energy.  I had skipped my workout for the day and tried to take a nap which was, you guessed it, interrupted by more alerts.  And I walked out the door after a bad exchange and I thought to myself, "why did I do this to myself?" 

Today, the dentist told me I will need to come back in to have a mouth guard fitted for sleep.  I am so stressed at night I am clinching my jaw shut and now my teeth are being damaged.  She looked me in the eyes and said, "you know what causes this right? It's stress."  I laughed it off blaming that who isn't stressed with a two year old, but I knew what she meant.  I catch myself doing it.  All the muscles in my body have times where I hold them, lock them, tense them and then I realize I am so sore.  So I put my phone back on do not disturb once I got into the car.  I turned off the noise today, made sure I worked out, ate right, logged my food.  I have lost a good chunk of weight in last 6 weeks, but I stop working the plan when stress hits me.  It consumes my energy and then I have nothing left to give.  My email and unread texts are clear but so is my gas tank. 

It's hard to be a mom, a house keeper, a wife, a therapist, a business owner, a chef, and a secretary, but I am finding the more I selfishly protect my time that's meant for rest and care, my self care time, the more I give a better me when I "go to work".  My client's still get a same day response, just not a same minute response.  My emails still get cleared out to 0 every day, just not 30x's a day.  It's a discipline to close the door and retreat.  It's a discipline to simplify and say no, but the energy I save in return is so worth it.  I am reading "Simplify" by Bill Hybels, and I hope to continue to find more moments where I can take good advice and integrate it into my soul.  I think it will make me better when I chose to be on.  I think I needed to process this concept, silently, as not doing it is causing me damage.  You don't get new teeth...  So I guess if you don't hear from me, I am probably playing, cooking, mothering, or working.  Don't worry, I will get back to you, just give me some space... do not disturb...