The Honest Truth...

The one adjective that people continue to describe me with is honest.  Sometimes they will say, "you don't sugar coat things" or "you just say how you feel don't ya", and my response has usually been a self-conscious and guilty, "yeah, sorry".  When I let myself go in a session with a client or over a cup of coffee with a friend, there comes a point in conversations where I just let go and words flow out.  Sometimes they are challenging.  Sometimes they are critical.  Sometimes they are just assumptions or guesses.  Most of the time when I am way off, people say, "no that's not it" and I think eh, ok.  But when I hit a cord, people stop.  Sometimes they cry.  Sometimes they nod.  Sometimes they light up.

When you're so honest with someone that they feel like you understand them, people melt.  They form a bond.  They feel like true friendship.  It's vulnerable and yucky in moments but its so real and authentic... and I just happen to LOVE it.  I've described them as moments where I feel like the Holy Spirit sweeps under the door and fills the room.  Usually I get warm fuzzies or heated cheeks.  Time slows.  It's magical in a way.  It's deep and raw and messy, yet it's divinely comforting.  It's exhausting as every fiber of me becomes connected with them, but that's the kind of therapy that I feel like is life changing.

I always wanted someone to just listen to me and really listen.  I don't always want some simple advice or old time metaphor for my situation.  Sometimes, like in the darkest times in my journey, I just wanted someone to sit with me and reach in the depth of my brokenness and hold it.  I wanted to hold it together so it didn't feel so alone.  And in some of my most powerful moments in my own therapy, I realized that some people really are capable of fore-fitting their own agenda and just being present with the pain.  Sometimes its those moments of reflection in that broken place where someone shines a light on the darkness and it's power just goes away.  The intensity of the pain and the depth of brokenness in my life has often been met with someone truly sitting with it with me and saying some simple profound truth about how shitty or crappy a moment is. 

I've ended friendships because of lies.  I have learned to separate my heart from hurtful people, but in the contrast, I have come to truly treasure God's gift to me of sharing truth.  Not my truth, but his, in those moments where I come to work well rest and able to just be present.  I know healing can occur for every lost soul in this space if they want it.  I know God's power works through me.  I have HOPE that each and every person in this world can sit with His truth and their own truth and recognize just what is really happening in this life.  In our life stories we are able to hide from truth, avoid truth, change truth or fight it.  We have a choice to stop the movement and stop the self-seeking temporary addictions of our heart and just feel what is in our heart. 

Today, I am aware that I want to be loved.  I want someone to see me as beautiful and perfect in his image.  I want to be enough.  I want authentic real love that is self-less at times.  I want passion and deep connection.  In our world I get so much cheap interaction and fake friendships.  I just want to have something different.  Even if that means that my circle shrinks and I insulate myself to a select short list of people, I want honesty.  I want to be real.  I want to feel real. 

I was reading 1 Peter: 2, and I got this profound sense that God has healed my heart.  God was real with me and God has been there in the darkest moments.  I had to stop living in my own brokenness and my own pattern of avoidance to see the truth.  Now that I have that truth, I can't seem to want anything else but real, true, sustainable life.  I want that in my relationships, I want that in my work, in my love.  I want my heart to be intentional and pure.  I want to let God continue to nourish me.  I want to continue to come to the fountain so I can continue to fill others up with truth...  I have spent the last few days recognizing how old patterns of living have pulled me from the truth.   The darkness of this world still has moments where it consumes me, so today my prayer is that I continue to turn to him and be filled.  Turn each day.  Be filled each day.  And to be honest with myself about the goodness he continues to give to me....

1 Peter 2 The Message (MSG)

2 ^1-3 So clean house! Make a clean sweep of malice and pretense, envy and hurtful talk. You’ve had a taste of God. Now, like infants at the breast, drink deep of God’s pure kindness. Then you’ll grow up mature and whole in God.

The Stone

^4-8 Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you’ll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God. The Scriptures provide precedent:

Look! I’m setting a stone in Zion,
    a cornerstone in the place of honor.
Whoever trusts in this stone as a foundation
    will never have cause to regret it.

To you who trust him, he’s a Stone to be proud of, but to those who refuse to trust him,

The stone the workmen threw out
    is now the chief foundation stone.

For the untrusting it’s

. . . a stone to trip over,
    a boulder blocking the way.

They trip and fall because they refuse to obey, just as predicted.

^9-10 But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.

^11-12 Friends, this world is not your home, so don’t make yourselves cozy in it. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they’ll be won over to God’s side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.

^13-17 Make the Master proud of you by being good citizens. Respect the authorities, whatever their level; they are God’s emissaries for keeping order. It is God’s will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you’re a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.

The Kind of Life He Lived

^18-20 You who are servants, be good servants to your masters—not just to good masters, but also to bad ones. What counts is that you put up with it for God’s sake when you’re treated badly for no good reason. There’s no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve. But if you’re treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God.

^21-25 This is the kind of life you’ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.

He never did one thing wrong,
Not once said anything amiss.

They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you’re named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.

Life without Lexapro

The time has come to ween off Lexapro.  We are trying to have another baby and I am trying my best to take out all the extra chemicals in my diet and life to have a healthy vessel for pregnancy.  After a miscarriage this summer, I had sort of stopped trying to focus on being healthy.  I gained back 15 pounds from my low which was pretty much heart breaking.  Not so much because I am fatter, but because once again I allowed food to be a comfort at the cost of me. 

The Reason:
In the last few months, a lot has happened in my life.  Probably too much to condense into a manageable blog post, so I won't try, but I think most young moms go through a phase where it just feels like their lives are going 90 miles an hour with twists and turns after ever moment where you almost feel like you're catching your breath.  While my practice is functioning at double capacity, I am stressed with personal life issues, and it feels like I can't keep up, I decided, "hmm maybe now is a good time to ween off the one chemical support that's shown improvement".

Ah..  Being a mom is hard.  With autism and a number of physical and mental disabilities having unknown causes, I don't have the heart to take Class C medications at the risk of my child having a life long condition.  I have come to accept I have anxiety, probably clinically significant.  Probably more clinically significant than I want to admit most days.  But I feel selffish not trying to tough it out so that a baby can have a healthy place to grow.

The Withdrawal:
For me, I was confirmed by this phase that I was making the right decision.  48 hours after reducing my dose, I felt like I was hit by a bus.  This phase lasted about 10 days.  I went from 10mg daily to 10mg every other day per the doctors recommendations.  Within 48 hours, I felt way worse.  I was queasy, couldn't sleep,  and those thoughts... the crazy bunny trail ones when I lay in bed, returned.  Instead of a few minutes to fall asleep, hours crept by.  I added some Melatonin for a couple weeks.  It was in these days I realized I was making the right choice; if this withdrawal was this hard on my adult body, how hard would it be on a fetus?

Three weeks later, I am still taking 5mg every other day.  Every time I try to stop completely, I get dizzy.  It's like that feeling you get when your drunk and the room is getting spinny and you might throw up or fall over...  Essentially, I have been on a hang over since three weeks.  But that part is getting better.  That part occurs a lot intensely in moments when I probably should eat but I feel sick or nothing sounds good. 

And then I realize all the sudden I am back to craving sugar to cope.  I am not sure the connection between anxiety and sugar but I find at least for myself that the more anxious I am the more likely I am to want anything with sugar: my fru fru coffee creamer, a pop, bread, a cookie, or mac n cheese.  Maybe that part of my brain lights up with momentary comfort from the sugar when I am anxious, and I realize this isn't the only withdrawal that needs to happen.

The Next Phase:
Now that I am almost done with Lexapro, I recognize I can go into an anxious downward spiral.  I can't become frantic with cleaning and micromanaging again.  I can't go back to mindless eating and self-soothing through food.  If I am to be in control of my anxiety, I have to be mindful about the decisions I make.  For some people, this is easy.  Change diet, exercise, and take care of yourself, find balance, but for someone with anxiety, depression or any mental health or physical disability, this is not easy.  I know what the right foods are to energize me.  I know the right foods to avoid anxiety.  I know the fuel thats required. I know the body is healthier with exercise.  I know I should run or do a 20 minute workout tape.  I know that I should take deep breaths and practice relaxation and meditation.  I know I should read the Bible and pray.  I know I should be patient with KK and try to have sex regularly with my husband.  All of these things are good things, but sometimes I don't want to do the good things... 

What if wellness isn't as easy as it seems?  What if will power and self assurance don't just come when you put your mind to it?  What if every ounce of fighting mentally still leads to a place where you don't meet your goals?  What if after all of this effort, I end up crashing and failing again and again and again.?

I have two choices.  Get sucked into the vortex of anxious worry and self-defeat  or I choose today, this moment, to get back on track. 

So...

I clean out the pantry and dust off the canisters of flax seed and chia seeds. 
I rid our lives of the comfort food. 
I let it go, not because I have no will power, but because I have to realize that it can't have a place in my life. 
I have to stop letting myself be taken advantage of in my time, and I have to ignore the calls, turn off the ringer, and just be present with my kid. 
I gather laundry, and sort out mail instead of retreating to my bed. 
I think about how to plan out my day so I don't try to do it all and stress myself out. 
I pet the dog... tell her she's beautiful, because she likes it and I like it, too. 
I drink a glass of water when I crave sugar. 
I pray God would be my source. 
I take deep breaths. 
I try to picture a peaceful beach. 
I drop the Melatonin and accept that I will just have to push through these sleepless nights. 
I am done with coffee.
I am done with desert. 
I plan my trip to the grocery store...
I think about what I can have, not what I can't.
I give myself grace that running after a toddler at a grocery store might not be Jillian's Shred but for today, it is what I can do.
I pray that I stay consistent and don't grow weary.
I sit on this blog and I try to be mindful that I can do this.
I recognize that I haven't blogged much since my anxiety went away with Lexapro and maybe my struggle will re-emerge, but maybe by struggling out loud I can touch someone else who struggles... (I know you're out there other momma who is sitting during nap time about to collapse and wonder why you feel so sad even though you have the life you've always dreamed of. )
I can push myself this time to not isolate and suffer alone because I have found there are so many of us on this journey.


You don't have to be a momma.  You don't have to be jobless, hopeless, or helpless to struggle.  You can have anxiety, depression or a myriad of things you battle and still be well.  It doesn't mean you don't struggle.  It doesn't mean you don't need love and encouragement.  I know the last thing I want from anyone is, "aww, poor girl, struggling to have a baby and struggling with all these feelings".  No, all I need is "you got this girl, and on those days when you struggle, know God is holding you and I am rooting for you".  Sometimes all I need is the reminder that I have a choice.  I get to consume or be consumed by these feelings.

Actually, I feel pretty blessed to have recognized, admitted and been so intent on treating this.   It's not perfect, but it's manageable, and many times bitter sweet to hold so many emotions in this broken and hurting world.  I texted a busy mom client to remind her to give her child a new medication tomorrow on my way in.  She told me, "you really care about me, you have no idea how much it meant that you remembered us and to text me".  Of course I did.  Of course I remembered.  Because God made me "overly sensitive" and "overly emotional" maybe even in that curse there is something beautiful about it.

The nice part about life without Lexapro is my feelings are intense.  I am not numbed by increased Saratonin.  I feel deeply.  I don't feel quite as stoic.  I feel so many things, so much more intensely.  Now the trick will be containing it.  Maybe this time, I can remember what it feels like to be at peace and try to find it.  And worst case, I go back onto it.  I surrender to my own brokenness.  But today I choose to fight.  Today, I will live life without Lexapro....