Still Fat... Must Endure....

It's been almost 400 days since I had a baby.  My weight loss has plateaued since July.  I've been eating clean (for the most part) for the last 50 days and I have lost my "Christmas weight" but I am back to where I was in July before I went back to work.  I have 3 months until I go on my Turks and Caicos vacation for a friend's wedding.  All of my skinny, not yet mommy, friends will be there looking the same or better than they did in college.  Meanwhile, I am yet to find my scale returning to a normal range.  I've yet to return to my old J.Crew pants without a muffin top, and I've yet to feel like I have truly made progress.

So, again, I am stepping it up.  I started running this week.  Got my mile time down a minute and a half since I started.  I've continued to eat clean, but have replaced a meal with a veggie/fruit smootie with Chia seeds and almond milk.  I've eliminated cow's milk, beef, pork, enriched flour, processed foods, refined sugar, juice, cereal, potatoes.....  And nothing... no weight loss.

Last week I had the stomach flu for three days and I lost a pound, only to regain it after I started retaining the fluid.  I have started taking a "green coffee bean extract" twice a day to aid with metabolism. 

At this point, if I don't lose weight in the next month, I will return to my doctor and ask her to check my blood levels.  It doesn't matter how much I keep sacrificing, I just can't seem to make any progress.  I feel healthier on the inside, but I still stay flabby and fluffy around the edges.

I know I haven't done this weight loss thing perfectly.  Last weekend on my girls trip I had five bad meals in a row.  I maintained my weight. 

I prayed really hard today on the treadmill.  This isn't about being a "certain number", it's about feeling like I can regain control of my body.  It's about feeling confident in my outfits.  It's about being healthy.  With each sacrifice, I feel like a better me and that's wonderful.  It keeps me motivated to keep pressing on, but I just really wish the scale could reflect it too.  I really wish my pants from before pregnancy could contain my belly.  I wish that as the stretch marks have started to fade away that my weight would just disappear. 

I've been no my ideal weight since I was in third grade.  This isn't a new thing.  But I have 20-30 pounds the doctor feels I can lose before I'd be where I should be.  I just need to know what's wrong...  I just need to keep trying.  I just need to not give up on me. 

A daily reminder that I have so much about myself that God is still working on... inside and out.  I am growing in endurance.  Growing in patience for certain...  I am realizing that the journey is just as important as the end result.  It's making a difference in how I feed our family and what habits my child is developing.  We are active and enjoy getting to do fun things.  We just have to keep trying, keep pressing on...  I appreciate all the support I have had along the way. 

It's cool to see our American culture slowly developing a desire to be healthy and well.  My generation is getting so wise at going back to eating REAL food and being active.  Maybe part of this holding onto weight is so that this becomes our life style and we don't want to go back.  I am feeling that most days, but I'd sure love a Little Caesar's Crazy Bread about now, too.....

All part of the journey :)

Love Is...

Our assignment for my Real Mom's group has been to spend more time with the Bible and spend more time in communion with God.  I have been trying really hard to do that, but find myself busy, or making myself busy, maybe avoiding the "feelings" that usually come to the surface when I sit and reflect about myself and my life.  This week we were identifying our love languages and talking about our love tanks and I realized, maybe part of my problem is that I am so independent and stubborn that I rarely want to admit my tank is empty.

My father had this "general words of advice" about my gas tank when I got my car at 16.  He said, "DO NOT let your gas tank go under a quarter of a tank".  My dad worked 30 years in the auto industry and generally I assumed he knew what he was talking about.  I asked why, and he replied that it's better for the car not to run on the crud at the bottom of the tank and in winter a very low gas tank can freeze and cause engine problems.  I don't know how much of that is true.  I assume there is a fuel light for a reason...

Well, while I have never run out of gas, I have a lot of anxiety about my tank going under that 1/4 line.  I constantly want to know how many miles do I have left until I need to refuel.  I hate getting out in the cold and standing there for 3 minutes.  I wish it was just solar powered or plugged into the wall and didn't rely on fuel.  No such luck on our budget.

So why then, am I so blind to my own gas meter?  Why then do I forget to set boundaries with my time and energy so that I end up on "E" and then I can't love well?  I realize I have relationships in my life where I am so angry and bitter that I can't even hide my feelings.  I realize I can't just move forward with my life because I feel like I deserve justice, reconciliation, or even just a stinking apology.  I realized reading our weekly scripture that not only do I feel unloved by some people in my life, but I am also not loving well.  The Message version of 1 Cor. 13 is so honest and rich about the definition of love.  It says:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,


Love is a lot of things that I struggle with.  I tend to want to close doors that are hard to deal with.  I get to a point in some relationships where I feel like I have loved, loved, loved and gotten nothing in return.  I spend hours thinking and being mindful and the other person does something without even considering how it affects me, and I get so put off by it that I just want to run and never deal with it again.  Yet, here I am a therapist trying to help people work through problems...  

Love doesn't force itself on others... I think sometimes I have to realize when I am feeling pushed or distressed.  Sometimes I want to say, "It's ok, I am fine" when I am really not.  I miss those opportunities to be real with people from the start because I don't want to hurt their feelings and then it all just comes out.  Almost too late most of the time do I get this sense that things are just too far gone to fix.  I should have spoke up.  I should have stopped trying to please everyone.  I should have drawn my boundaries earlier.  But I struggle to not let people force themselves and their junk on me.  I have stop feeling bad for others and letting them walk all over me...

"It isn't always me first"...  Well, lately it feels like it's NEVER me first...  It's KK first and Macy Dog first and laundry/dinner/dishes, or clients first.  Maybe me in there or Chris.  But then all the sudden I snap and I am just worn out and it becomes ALL ABOUT ME.  I give give give then when my tanks is on "E" I just stop running.  I hibernate in sweat pants.  I sleep.  I watch TV and play Candy Crush and I try not to be a slug but it's what I have allowed myself to be.  It isn't a balance.  It's all or nothing.  And then I end up being empty and shutting down.  

I think what started to make me angry was realizing "Why don't others love me this way?"  I am trying so hard to be loving but then I just snap and decide I can't do it anymore.  Why can't others love the way God loves?  And why is the balance of loving yourself versus loving others so hard?  It's not fair to anyone to be a people pleaser and then a bitter Betty because I didn't get any.  

While I appreciate God's view on love, I want to ask sometimes, "How do we love each other perfectly when we are all imperfect?"  How do we love with intentionality and unconditionally when we also have to take care of our selves?  Se,e I have no problem starting off on the right foot but then I get worn out.  I feel like I am selfish for saying no or bursting someone's bubble when they are hurting me.  I feel guilty for being real.  I don't want the tension.  But I desperately struggle to be ok with loving me enough to be honest and "flower in truth".  Flower in truth.... Flowers are beautiful, the truth is not always pretty to hear.  Doesn't God realize (or even Paul who wrote this letter) that if Love was "perfect" we wouldn't need to be reminded of how to love?  Here is my response...

Love is messy. 
It's not black and white. 
It is a balance of your needs and mine with the intention of no one winning
It's difficult to manage and often feels unfair
It's compromising on days when you're not sure you have anything to give
It's being honest but speaking the truth in love
It's being aware of your role and owning up to your junk
It's internally painful as we realize that we often want things that aren't possible
It's self-aware but also mindless
It's honesty but ignorance
It's up and down and sometimes just blah
Love is not so simple

I've sat with parents who love children who are so depressed they won't stop cutting.  I have sat with abused wives and girlfriends pleading for their partner to love themselves to get help.  I have sat with children in foster care who think love doesn't exist because no one has ever stuck around long.  I find so often that I am disappointed with "love" because so few people have the intention of mindfully loving in a balanced way.  Our pastor told us that Marriage isn't easy.  It's more hard conversations and sleepless nights sometimes than we imagine, but good marriage rise about and improve to love deeper and more healthily through becoming more aware of one another's needs.  Love is... really hard sometimes.  I have to pull back, retreat with the Lord, and wonder how I am really loving, where my love tank gauge is at, and what I need so that I can love others well.