An Apology for Egocentrism

Some how in the middle of my life, I am realizing that I still have so much more room to grow.  Today I was informed that I lost a friend because I neglected the friendship to such a degree that the friendship was over for her.  I knew exactly what times I had neglected the friendship, ignored the need to return a call, or made excuses for myself not to go the extra mile and be there.  I tell myself a lot "I am so busy" or "I don't have time for that" and for once, I got called out on how it affected someone else.  I was hurt, had trouble for a moment accepting the words, but I knew I was guilty.  I knew that the last thing I have done since getting married two years ago was maintain the friendships I had before my wedding.

Last weekend, I left the baby for about 36 hours to celebrate a friend's wedding shower.  I was so excited to celebrate this special time with her and I thought I was being a good friend just by showing up.  While my efforts for attending were more than appreciated, I realized quickly into the weekend that I had neglected so many friendships.  Girls that I had loved spending time with were still up to date with each other's lives but I was clueless about what they were going through and how their lives had changed.  They were all curious about married life, my job and baby, but they knew little about my life either.  I thought, "gosh, I feel so left out".  Not because my life was different, but because I realized I wasn't sharing my life with them anymore.   While I have a group of people I do share with, I realized those relationships are often based on convenience...  work friends, church friends, neighbors, but those people I used to have close to me who now live far away were rarely on my mind or on my call log.

I got to thinking about how my life has changed since having a baby, since being pregnant, since being married, and I realized just how much I have isolated myself into my own little comfort bubble.  While I know a lot of people have a "honeymoon" period, I had no idea how little I branch out anymore.  How little I initiate a call or a text.  I grew guilty.  When did I become that self-fish person who expected everyone to shower me with joy and love, but when it came to maintaining the friendship, I was no where to be found?  How many people have I let go out of my life because I chose to just think about my house, hubby, dog, baby and job?

One of the things I want to be known for is the way I love other people the people who I was blessed to have in my life.  I don't think we are always called to love strangers, we have so many people in our lives that we meet in various time periods.  Some for a few days or weeks and some we know for years, but we have an obligation to love them well.  In realizing my lack of love for others, I guess I just wanted to put out an apology and a plea for forgiveness for those friends who haven't given up on me, the people who see how much I have on my plate and don't value our friendship solely on phone calls or attendance at a random bar.  I hope to make a turn around in valuing you and our friendship.  I hope that despite having a load to bear that I can set it down momentarily to be friends.  I recognize I don't know where you work, who you're dating, or what's going on in your life anymore.  I realize I have yet to call you despite being off work for five months.  I see your face in my mind and I realize I need and want to connect with you again...

I started off my new foot by calling my grandmother's today... probably the two most lonely people in my life who have lost husbands, friends, and their other relatives to illness and old age.  We chatted each for about an hour and they both lit up with joy when we talked.  I realized that after I stopped working, I no longer had a commute to call them.  I had not added them back into my life.  I don't want to be an island... a self-fish lady who doesn't share her joy... an old friend who never is around.  I don't want to become so much about myself that I forgot there are other people who have flown across the globe for me, forgiven me, loved me, and shared their lives with me.  I want to change how I see those people in my life...

Sometimes in life, I learn I have to lose something to gain the knowledge I need to make myself a better person.  Today was one of those days.  I learned a lot and I hope that I can make myself more available to my friends, my family, and my special circle of people that God entrusted me with.  So that's my apology... hope I start making more calls soon...

Inches Away

My birthday is in 11 days.  My goal was to reach pre-baby weight by then.  According to my last weigh-in I am still 14 pounds away from my goal.  The other goal was to be able to button my pants... my pre-baby pants.  Last night was the first night I tried them on since February.  In February, I could barely pull them past my knees, and my legs were so swollen from the C-section and last few weeks of pregnancy that I wasn't sure I'd ever wear them again.  Last night in the heat of trying to find something that fit, I got brave and tried on a pair of capris that used to be my "fat pants".  You know those pants you wear when you feel bloated and gross with a flowy top during that week of the month where nothing feels right?  Well, I inhaled and pull up... all the way up to my waist.  Victory number one...

 

Then, I inhaled again.  Pulling the top of the pants together towards the clasp.  Brace yourself Kerrie...  (wah wah wah wah)  Only about an inch away the material no longer gave way.  My hands stopped... leaving a hint of my belly button and stretch marks left out for the world to see.  INCHES AWAY!!!  Excitement for progress, but disappointment for the need to keep pushing.  40 pounds is a lot of weight lost, but I still want to meet my goal.

So... after an inspirational mother daughter chat from the mom whose lost oodles on Weight Watchers, I've decided to detox a little.  For the next 48 hours, no carbs.  I'll enjoy a weekend of festivities with my usual points but then next Monday-Friday leading up to my birthday.. no carbs again.  Come Sunday, I want to bring a pair of pants with me to my Chicago trip and I want to wake up and fit into those pants.  An inch or two in 11 days?  I think it can be done...

I am also adding a regime of ab/core exercises to tighten up my "muffin top".  Some old soccer exercises, the old AB ball and some weights.  Maybe a Jillian workout.. anything to get me there.  I really want to meet this goal and it's crunch time... literally and figuratively...

HERE'S TO GETTING MY PANTS BACK ON!

Jumbled Mess

I think the hardest part about being a mother is the complicated list of decisions you have to make for yourself, your child, and your family.  The last four months, I've been trying to make a "new normal" for our family.  We all are on a diet, have a new chore chart, have an updated budget, and appear to be doing well, but some days I just feel like it's a jumbled mess.  Postpartum anxiety seems to get the best of me some days.  I've struggled with it since about Day 2 after delivery.  Whether it be that scary shows leave me up sleepless at night, no longer feeling rested, racing thoughts, constant jumbled ideas, and internal conversations that just won't turn down, I often feel like the old me is gone and this new me is a little too messy.

The hardest part about it is the lack of confidence I had in myself has grown.  I constantly feel like I am under performing, under achieving, and unable to reach my goals despite feeling like a hamster running on the wheel of life.  I am micromanaging what I eat, what she eats, what the dog eats.  I am trying to start a business, trying to run a house, and trying to care for a new baby.  No matter how much laundry and cleaning I do, I feel like I can't catch up.  I felt like I failed at breastfeeding, feel most days like I am failing at weight loss, and constantly wonder if I am doing a good enough job being a mom.  I will self report that I am overly anxious.  I have some slight irritability, some over irrationality, and constantly am going going going unable to stop.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a room at a school in trouble.  A teacher was scolding me because she thought  I wasn't trying my best but as I looked at the pages of text with a problem, I kept trying to figure it out.  Angry and bitter, I tried, but what I was doing wasn't what she was looking for.  I felt judged, belittle, humiliated in this dream.  I wanted to get up and walk out but I felt paralyzed.  I had to pee, but I didn't even voice my needs.  I just sat in silence.  Letting someone cut me down and assume things about my heart that weren't even true.  Good thing it was just a dream...

But I am realizing more and more that this postpartum anxiety isn't just going to disappear very easily.  As my body is still recovering from having a baby, my emotions are also recovering.  The other night we watched an episode of Hannibal and there was a killer under the bed.  One of my old childhood fears were of the dark and of something under my bed.  I never thought a show could make me get so nervous.  There I was in the shower before bed, peeking out, hearing sounds and feeling like there was something wrong.  I kept the lights on and played a game on my phone until the feelings subsided.  Who am I?  When did all of this happen? 

For once, I feel like one of my clients.  I, emotionally, am  not who I was.  And while I am at home resting and what some would say, living the dream, I am also dealing with a mind that has been altered by hormones.  I don't like feeling this way.   I don't know if I keep on fighting this battle alone or I reach out and talk to someone.  I am just unsure of everything.  I don't want to hurt myself or others.  I don't see things or hear things that aren't there.  I just have an unsettling amount of anxiety most days.  Being a mom is hard, but finding me again is the hardest part.  I know God has a plan, I am not defeated, but I just had to sit down and process the messiness my emotions have become since having a baby.  Most days, it's getting much better.  But so much is going on in our little lives.  I guess more than anything, I just want to know I'm normal for feeling this way.  It's normal to have a mess, feel like a mess, and sometimes actually be living in a mess. 

Our society doesn't talk about postpartum anything.  You leave the hospital and are left to "wing it".  No parenting manual, no recovery of your body training.  I think you get used to those monthly OB appointments then weekly ones.  Then the ship sails out of the harbor and you battle the raging sea alone.  Despite having a loving husband, it doesn't compare to having a network of people who understand what it's like to feel forever scared by stretch marks, forever flabby, forever changed.  My babyless friends love the baby but they don't understand me.  They don't realize every 2-3 hours, I am thinking about ounces of formula, diapers, and her routine.  They don't realize how hard it is to be away from home for more than a few hours and how even just getting a pedicure isn't just a "pop in" activity anymore.  Everything has to have a plan and a process.  Someone else besides me comes first.  It's an adjustment that no one gets until they live it.  It's a shift in your thinking, your heart, your desires, your will.  I feel everything so big these days.  Love, acceptance, rejection, judgement, etc.  I know why I had the dream.  I know why I feel all anxious on the inside, but how and when does it stop?  Will it?  

The funny thing about messes is you can live with them for a long time and manage in dysfunction without anyone really even knowing.  I suppose I'm bearing my soul and being honest because I hope that somewhere out there others feel it, too, and some how it will make me recognize it's all part of the journey.  Our church's sermon this week was on having hope that God provides everything we need no matter how little we have.  I needed the message, the hope, and the power of God's love being spoken into my life.  Not because I need a pity party, but I needed to remember I am not in charge.  I am not ultimately responsible for EVERYTHING in my world.  I just have to keep doing my best, keep relying on him, and in the end that's all I can do.  Jumbled mess, today, I am just going to sit with you.

God's world is still broken.  
There is still trouble.  
It is still not redeemed.   

I am still broken, 
still messy, 
and still in need. 

But I will keep on waiting
keep on praying
knowing it's in His hands

That a day will come
We will all see the sun
and it will be ok in the end...