Happy Anniversary... Year 2

I can and can't believe it's been two years since we got married.  So much in our lives has changed, and yet, I feel like time has zipped by in a blink.  I remember that day with such clarity.  The rush of the morning, the Grand Stair case.  I remember seeing you down the aisle and feeling a big smile on my face.  I remember the moment I got up to you and you were tearful.  It was our day.

I remember the people.  Our friends from near and far.  They drove from Georgia, Michigan, Iowa, New York, Massachusetts, DC, and Texas.  I remember feeling like a princess and you, my prince.  I remember the music and feeling like all of our love some how poured out in that ceremony.  Every detail we picked together, from our vows to the table linens, it all came together.  It was my little girl dream.  You were my Ken Doll.  I felt like Barbie.  Our families all together, our friends becoming friends.  That day was one of the best days of my life.  It was the start, the beginning, of the best chapters of my life.

Everything about you makes you my prince charming.  You're so kind.  You're handsome (more than all the other princes) and you love me with a kind of love I only thought occurred in fairy tales.  We have celebrated so much joy these two years: from buying a beautiful home and making it our own, adopting the best dog in the world, and now having the most angelic little daughter God could have given us.  I am far beyond blessed.  There is no greater gift than having you as my husband.  You've given me so much.  Love, patience, grace, and acceptance for who I am.  You bring out my best features and accept my worst qualities.  Sometimes I catch you smiling at me when I am being the rawest parts of myself, and I can actually see how much you love me. 

So much of my joy in life is simply being with you.  Our walks down the neighborhood street with our little family, those mornings on Saturday when we pull Macy into bed and just snuggle, and every day when you come home and I see you again.  I am so overcome with the joy that I get from being with you.  I never knew I could be this happy or that someone could look at me the way you do.  You see so much more in me than I ever have, and it makes me believe in myself more.  No one in this world has ever made me as happy. I know that it will only get better the more years we spend together, the more memories we make.

You are my love.  The love of my life.  There is no one else in this world that just gets me, accepts me, and cherishes me like you do.  I know there will be days and moments when I want to scream or walk away, but I pray and hope that our love continues to pull us through even the darkest times.  You're my very best friend, and I know that no one will ever come close to loving me the way you do.  You're pretty wonderful, you know...  I got the best one of the bunch... Out of all of Des Plaines, out of the whole Phi Delt House, of all of Purdue and in this world and beyond, I got the very best one.  I hope you know just how much I love you.  I want everyone to know how much I love you.  You're more than words can say, and your love for me is all that God asks of a husband to love his wife.  You are so gentle, patient, kind, and self-less.  I wish I had a chance to list all those times, but my life is just filled with those moments.  

I love you.  I'll love you always.  You are forever part of my heart...

Thank You Kaylie

Dear Kaylie,

Today is  Mother's Day.  My first mother's day as a mother, and I wanted to say thank you for making me a mother.  The last 14 weeks of my life (and the nine months before that), I went from wondering if I would ever be a mother to being your mom.  The greatest gift in the world is knowing God's given me a daughter to pass on the legacy of a mother daughter bond.  I've been blessed to be in a family where I saw my mother's mother's mother (your great-great grandmother) in relationship with my grandmother, and my grandmother in relationship with my mother, and I've been very blessed to have such a close relationship with my mother.  I see through that line of women the uniqueness of each woman down the line but the intimate relationship that only a mother and daughter share.  And now, I get to have that with you.  From the moment I first realized you were in me, I felt connected and each day my love for you grows.  I feel like, "how could I ever love you more?", but then you learned to make eye contact, then smile, and now you've said "mama" about four times.  And with each milestone, I love you a little bit more.  I never lose love for you though.  Even when you cry, wake me up at four, or just are over stimulated and upset, I never lose love.  I just desire to make you happy again. 

Being a mother after being a daughter is an amazing experience.  I look at you and wonder what I'll be like when you become a mother and maybe even when you become a grand mother.  It's so crazy to think of the legacy of women that I come from and now that you will come from.  And crazier to think of the legacy of more children down from you some day.  It's a pretty neat thing God designed.  He created us to leave a legacy, and you are part of my legacy.  Part of me will live with you forever and you will continue to pass on part of me to your children, too. 

Today was a special day I never knew I would have.  I got to wake up and look at the gift I was given and celebrate being a mother.  Not every woman can be a mother.  Some are single and want to find the love of their life before they start a family, some are infertile and go through the pain and strife of trying to have a baby, and some lose babies through miscarriage or death early in life and this day is a day of mourning rather than joy.  I just want you to know how much you're treasured and loved.  No matter who you become, what you do, or where you go, I will always love you so very much.  Thank you for teaching me to love in a deeper way than I have ever known.  Thank you for showing me what it feels like to truly put someone above yourself.  Thank you for changing my heart.  Thank you for making me put life into perspective.  Thank you for giving me so much grace the last 14 weeks.  Thank you for being a good little sleeper.  Thank you for being a little bit of me, a lot of your dad, and a little sprinkle of the legacy you came from.  This Mother's Day, our first of many together, I just wanted to thank you for making me a Mommy.  You're pretty cool yourself. 

I love you,

Your Mama....

Bet You Thought I Quit by Now

5 weeks of clean eating.  I bet you thought I quit by now....  Well, I am going strong.  Lost about 10 pounds which is a little less than I planned but it's slowly coming off.  It's starting to feel like a way of life.  It's easier to cook, easier to grocery shop, and I don't feel like I am missing out.  I feel good about buying the whole foods, but I am overwhelmed by how many people are still eating the way I was and how many people are battling obesity.  Today, I started a new step.  I ran full speed for the first time.  I sprinted down the block about a 100 yards.  All 170 pounds of myself flopping around.  I got to my "goal spot" panting like my husky after a bike run.  My legs are tight and my body is sore but I know it's good to start pushing myself again.

I am moving and going sometimes 3-4 miles at a time now.  It's hard to motivate myself some days.  Most of the bad food has leaked it's way out of the house and it's probably good because sometimes I would eat the "easy to make" foods again on those long and busy days.  But each time we make our own clean food, it feels better. 

I haven't quit on myself and I think that's the best part about all of this.  I don't want to give up and just accept "this is just who I am now".  One of my friends actually looks better since she had her son.  She started running and working out and eating right and she's beautiful.  When I see how much she changed in the year after she had her son, it gives me courage to keep going.  Another one of my old co-workers is a huge inspiration.  She has been eating clean and working out for years and has lost well over 100 pounds.  She looks like a different person, a happier person.  She now has rock solid muscles and a passion to live this way forever.

Tonight I am snacking on blue berries after a meal of a chicken burger and grilled veggies (no bun!!).   I am constantly trying new foods, new spices, and new ways of cooking.  I love packing the fridge with fresh cut produce and making a meal with "a little of this and a little of that".  Real food doesn't take much to make it taste good.  I still feel energized, renewed, and hopeful that having a baby has changed my life for the better in so many ways. 


I haven't quit on my dream for a private practice, a life where I can spend time with my daughter, and a life where I have a happy marriage, close friendships, and an authentic relationship with the Lord.  It's about the balance of holistic life focused on not every being everything to everyone.  I have realized that I have to take care of myself by working on myself rather than just being lazy and neglecting myself.  It's a daily choice, a little easier, but some day I will post my before and after picture and I will bask in all that hard work.