Dear Pumpkin...

I keep reading how that when you are pregnant, you should journey your thoughts and feelings for your baby.  As my ninth week comes to a close, I have had many thoughts, but probably fleeting ones that my baby, aka "pumpkin", will probably never really care to know.  However, I am doing all the other things like not eating lunch meat, cutting back of caffeine and taking boats loads of vitamins, so this blog is for you little teddy gram. 

Dear Pumpkin Siegl (don' worry, we have plans to change your name before you're born),

Over the last nine weeks I have felt panic, joy, irritation, depression, more panic, exhaustion, annoyance, sick, and more panic.  While I have wanted you since I was three, and had a bald cabbage patch doll named Trevor, I was not quite prepared for your arrival into my life.  It kind of felt like watching Dumbo like when all the baby animals fell from the sky from the storks and all the mommy and daddy animals got excited and nervous all at the same time.

Then all the weird changes in my body began.  First, I felt like I had the flu (or a bad hangover) relentlessly for the last five weeks.  I know you were here because I almost threw up at the Taste of Tippicanoe when your daddy and I decided to share a lamb slider while attending with your grandparents (Grandma and Grandpa Byrnes).  Maybe it was the mint or hint of rosemary, but in that moment, I felt sick to my stomach like never before.  All of the sudden mommy felt like she was going to throw up all day every day.  One week, I wanted chicken tacos and ate tacos five times in four days.  One week, I wanted cheese pizza.  One week I liked PBJ sandwiches.  Mommy went from drinking gallons of coffee and diet coke to drinking Gatorade, water and really anything that didn't make me sick.  Most of the time, I just didn't want to eat or drink anything at all.

This week I feel much better and have eaten a little more.  I only feel sick in the evening after work and I normally take a three hour nap after being in the hot car and working with kids all day.  Growing a baby is hard work.  You have to take vitamins, folic acid, some tylenol for body aches, b6 vitamins and unisom so you don't throw up and sometimes this other pill that's suppose to make you feel better (it really doesn't, but at least sometimes I like to pretend it might work).   You also have to keep being yourself that you were before you were pregnant, but figure out ways to slow down and take care your body.  Mommy has had a very hard time with this because she used to like to be busy-busy-busy all the time.  But since you came into my life, I have started to relax more and let Daddy take control more often.   Poor daddy has been left alone most nights to play volleyball and basketball with his friends, walk Macy, and eat junk food while Mommy usually sleeps on the couch and tries to catch up on her paperwork for work.  (I think he likes that part a little bit).

Everyone is so excited for you.  This week we told the world about you and over a hundred people made comments on facebook.  What's facebook?  Well, its this thing on the computer... (I'll explain later).  I think a lot is about to change in my life.  So much already has.  But I think I am getting more and more ready for you to come.  Not quite 100% ready, but they say most mommies are never really ready.  Grandma says that they don't give parents a book on how to be a good parent.  So be patient with us.  I am sure we are about to make big mistakes like forgetting diapers when we go out to dinner or not getting the bath water just right, but we will promise to always try our best.

From here on out, if you want to decrease the heart burn, acid reflux, and stomach pains, I am a-ok with that.  If not, I guess I will just keep sleeping and you can listen to the television in the background.  Just wanted to let you know, we love you, and you are slowly becoming the center of our world.  Be good, grow steady, don't pull any plugs, and don't come out until I say so.

Love,

 your mother (and hopefully future best friend once your an adult)

PS. Dad and the grand parents say hi.  The Byrnes' hope you're a boy and hope you play football at Purdue, and the Siegl's are just happy for a grand baby.  Don't feel like your disappointing anyone if you're a girl.  Mommy really wants a girl, but will be happy no matter how you come out.  Enjoy your hibernation!

Unexpected Miracle

Our church preached about miracles about a month ago.  I sat that Sunday hearing that word "Miracle" and thinking, I have one, right here.  Three months ago, I was diagnosed to endometriosis after being diagnosed with adnomyosis at the age of 18.  I was given the hope that some day I should be able to conceive, but I might need fertility treatment and time for my body to get hormones balanced.  I was okay with that with a budding new business, nearing getting my license, and my marriage only a year in; I thought time was something I could spare.  When I looked at my laperoscopy pictures, I remember seeing the large black abscess on my uterus, and I truly wondered if this doctor was just blowing smoke up my butt, trying to get me to put my endocrine system in his hands with hormones and injections.  I was offered a treatment to put my endometriosis "to sleep" for the next year while Chris and I thought about family planning.  I prayed hard about it and thought maybe it would be nice to not have pain, bloating and a year of bowel strain, but in the end, I had decided I didn't feel right going from eight years of hormone therapy to another kind of hormones.  I just wanted to see if between diet, exercise, prayer, and trying to balance my life that I could some how balance my body.

About a month ago, I started to feel exhausted from work, sick from the heat, and just not myself.  I was bloated, had cramps, but I knew something wasn't right.  The week of my mothers birthday in mid June, three of the mothers of my clients asked if either I was pregnant or if I was planning to have kids soon.  I was a little taken aback as I knew I had been struggling to lose weight and I certainly did not feel good, but I did not in any way think it would be possible that I was pregnant.  But I mean, there was a chance I could be, but I thought, "no, I can't be".  See I have read the research.  People with endo and adno combined have so much trouble conceiving children that they rarely get pregnant without some kind of intervention.  They certainly don't get pregnant with a few moments here and there without birth control.

And then the morning sickness grew and in a moment of part desperation and part wanting to convince myself I wasn't crazy, I bought two of the cheapest pregnancy tests that Target sells.  Around 11pm on Father's Day 2012, I took one of those tests.  Then I sent Chris out for one of those fancy tests that actually say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant".  Then I took another cheap one.  Then I called the doctor.  For the last five weeks I have been in a state of shock.  "Could it be?  Could I really be pregnant?"

Well, after an ultra sound, a heart beat, and a mini photo sheet of a tiny little teddy gram, I suppose God has blessed us with the biggest miracle of all.  I remember there was a time my disease was in a big flare up about three years ago, and I sobbed on the floor of my apartment in grad school at the thought of not being able to have a family of my own.  It was a moment of desperation.  Then again a year ago, around the time we got married and they offered prayer at our church for people with illnesses and though Chris and I were weeks into marriage, I had the woman pray for us that some day we would be able to make a family.  I just prayed, year in and year out, when I saw tiny baby feet and friends posting their precious pictures, I just kept praying, "God, if it's your will, give me the desires of my heart, to be a mother..."

  So, here it is... the news is official.  The Siegl's are pregnant, and we are due February 23, 2013.  Due on the day that exactly 10 years ago to the day that I accepted Christ as my savior on a mountain top in Laurelville, Pennsylvania.  I had no idea in ten years God to turn me from someone who doubted His existence, to someone who proclaims His miracles and praises His good deeds in my life.  

Today I announce, God has blessed us with an "unexpected miracle" 

and I will never be the same....

Heb 11:1: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.