So Much to Be Thankful For...

Last year about this time, Chris and I were basking in our first year of marriage only thinking and dreaming of the adventures to come.  Never in a million years would I have thought I would be pregnant and 13 weeks away from the due date.  A lot changes in one year.  I work at a new school, have opened my own private practice, have completed my license requirements, am about to become a mother, and have been blessed to share all of these successes with my friends and family.  I looked back in the blog about the different times of waiting and patience over the last couple years and I realize that my blog is a log of waiting seasons and a log   of pivotal moments where I got to watch the sunrise.  The journey I have seen goes up and down with joys and sorrows and is far less planned out than I had expected my life to be.

I looked over pictures, and I reflected on how God brings people in and out of your life throughout the journey to walk along side of you.  People sometimes step out, but then some how step back in randomly.  Others are with you all along the way, and some only for a short moment or two.  All seem to have impact, meaning, and purpose in the bigger journey along the bend.  He also brings in people that we would have never picked for ourselves.  God can allow this biggest set backs to come into our lives only to redeem those dark moments days, weeks or years later for his glory.  All I know is that despite some unknown times ahead, I am so very thankful for where I am right in this current moment.

I've been watching my friends do a daily list of thanks for this month, and I think if I got started I would need pages.  I have such a scope of thankfulness this year.  I am well on to a life I dreamed of, but in completely different ways than I dreamed of it.

Today before Thanksgiving, I want to just sit with this attitude of gratitude for family, life, love, friendship, and blessing beyond compare.  I feel in these moments a glimpse of what's to come.  God is so good to me.

Like I Know You

It's been 22 weeks and three days with my daughter growing inside of me.  We've already had some ups and downs.  The first 14 weeks were tough and were represented by five pounds of weight loss.  The last two months have been a roller coaster of skin rashes, belly kicks, food cravings, side cramps, joyful ultrasounds, sheer exhaustion, but this underlying get to know you phase of time.  I know what positions and times of day gets her going, and I know that my daily caffeine or nightly allergy medication will raise and lower the activity rates.  The kicks are getting more intentional as I now see my belly jiggle like Santa in the evening.

Then came the nursery, the clothes shopping, the name picking (on going)... The little pumpkin we made, we are falling in love with.  I stand alone sometimes in her little pink corner of the house with her night light on thinking, "soon enough, I will be sitting with you in my arms rocking you...".  I'll look at every detail of her face.  Those tiny eye lashes and puckery lips will melt my heart and all these days of ups and downs will be forgotten.  I picture tiny hands holding blankets and coming out of fuzzy fleece jammies.  I don't really seem to care about anything else lately and with each little kick, I am overcome with the "get to know you process" that comes with any new relationship.

Every baby is special to their mother.  Every baby has a unique relationship with their parents.  I have many parents that I work with who notice every last uniqueness between their kids.  One slept through the night, the other was feisty and always doing their own thing.  I am trying to enjoy each day.  I know in about 124 more, I won't be sitting alone after work when daddy plays volleyball.  Pretty soon there will be a little snuggle bunny here with me.  I am pretty excited for her to come.  I know there will be those toddler meltdowns, those pre-teen arguments about short skirts and skanky tanktops, those teenage power struggles, and those young adult heart breaks where I can't do anything to help her, but I am excited for another journey.  It's another season of waiting, but a day after day process of getting to know her more.  Until I see her face to face, I just pray for her, listen to her, think about how to love her the right way.

Towards about 18 weeks, I just felt like this baby was a girl.  In my heart, I have truly been digging deep down to understand why I wanted a girl, and I think I see the unique mother/daughter relationship and I want that to continue in my life.  And now that she's coming, I feel myself growing in infatuation.  I will be that crazy mother trying not to over post but wanting the whole world to see her.  I want so much for her.  I stand in church singing, praying, holding her in my belly, praying for her hope and her future.  Pumpkin, I apologize in advance... you are loved very much and I feel like Will Ferrel in Elf.. "I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it"... I think you're ok with that... you just kicked me. :)  I can't wait to see you, I feel like I already know you.  You are part of me and part of my best friend (clearly you are going to be WONDERFUL)... just be more like your dad.  He is way more easy going....

Is That You In There?

Less than two weeks from now, I can give Baby S a gender.  I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl.  I am starting to feel little bubbly twitches which I am interpreting to be kicks from baby.  The first time I felt it was about a week ago in my bed one night.  Just one or two little twitches, and then before I could stop and touch my belly, it stopped.  Then a few times when I have been at work and I have been around loud kids then go to the quiet office to do notes, I feel it again.  Tonight, after our walk as I sit I feel little bubbles popping right in the middle and a few on the sides.  "Beep beep!"  Here I am come, Mom...

It's getting really real that I am about to become a mom.  I think finding out if it's a little boy or girl will really make it real for me.  So far, I've been reserved.  I just started really wearing my maternity shirts to work this week.  18 weeks ago, I wondered if I would ever get pregnant... and now, I am almost half way to having a baby.

I never would have thought in my wildest dreams that Chris and I would be having our first baby this soon.  So far, life has been a bunch of little surprises.  Most of them I like... some of them I wonder about.

While there is a lot of anxiety about where life will take me lately, I continue to get a sense of peace when I come back home to my howly pup and loving husband.  This house continues to feel more like our home and I find myself not wanting to get in a car and go anywhere during the week nights.  It is truly a haven to me.  I guess a baby will just bring it all together.

I am trying to learn to trust that God will provide.  Financially, with wisdom, with support, and with our faith.  This week our bible study was supposed to read a bunch of different versions of Psalm 23.  I found a tiny bible I had bought for seminary.  Some how the words phrased this way have brought me much needed peace about how God provides a table for us.  He provides peace and rest for us.  And he guides us but also corrects us.  Sometimes with all of these new adventures in my life, I do feel like a lost sheep.  It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one in life who often wonders what all this aimless wandering is for and if I am even doing it right.  Somehow, I felt a little bit a peace knowing that God will provide because that's his promise to us. 

Just as the flutters in my belly have made me question if that baby is there and finally showing up in my life, I have, too, said, "God, are you telling me something?"... I sit in wonder this week.  A little excited, more so nervous, for the journey ahead. 

For once in my life, I am not pushing for time to go faster.  I am slowly taking these changes one day at a time.  For once, I am not ready for transition.  For once, I am looking for God to give me peace before I take steps forward.  Only this time, I don't have the option to stop.  Time moves on, baby keeps growing, time to arrival nears.  I guess I better lie down in green pastures now... only a few more months and I won't be asking if the baby is in there, but I will be learning to be a mother. 


The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.

LIfe Lesson: It's Not All About You

I was thinking about what I would want to teach the little bugger that's growing in my stomach.  I work with a lot of kids with mild and moderate behavioral issues at this new school and one of the biggest problems is entitlement.  There are so many kids these days who believe the world literally should revolve around them.  They pee their pants if they get in trouble for kicking a teacher.  They refuse to eat lunch because "they don't like any of the four choices today".  They refuse to do work because it's not fun.  The list goes on and on about all the things they "don't wanna do". 

I remember when I was a kid, my parents had a barrage of sayings.  One of those was "the world doesn't revolve around you, Kerrie".  There was also the selfless sayings of "money doesn't grow on trees", "make sure there is enough to go around", "treat people the way you want to be treated" and "that's not your problem".  This coming from a kid described by her first (and third grade teacher) as a child who "marched to the beat of her own drum", I repeatedly heard the same message from my parents, "It's not all about you".  While at the time, I think I crossed my arms in annoyance, I have come to find out as an adult that my preference and choices are often times limited by everyone no matter where I am.  I don't get to pick my work hours, or where I park my car, or make people believe that sweat pants could be business casual.  I find myself make little huffy puffy noises when my boss reminds me that sending a schedule (that will inevidably change 13 times by Monday) is not really optional.  I try to find victories in the small things, but in reality, I know I have no control...

I get it.  I don't like rules.  I don't like limits.  I test them, but at the same time, children's entitlement has taken a new extreme level of craziness.  Some children are so spoiled these days, they honestly believe they are not wrong for anything they do.  It's a little scary.  I hear many times a day, "my teacher is just mean" or "I didn't REALLY hit that kid, Mrs. Siegl.... well, not that hard, BUT it's not my fault because......"

So as I ponder my end of the day thoughts, I realize if I am going to do anything right as a parent, I want my kid to know, "It's not all about you".  There are other people, other kids, other feelings, other futures and other thoughts that matter.  Not to sound harsh, but I think we make kids our God these days.  400 outsfits, no limit on toys, any snack they choose... I don't even have this kind of luxery and I am an adult.  I think when people teach their kids to have the world, they also teach them the world revolves around them. 

I am going to have make a constant effort to be "real" with this little nugget.  You are NOT that important, even if you are one of the most important things to me.  You do have to care about others, and you do have to compromise.  I hope to be one of those moms with a pouty kid at Kroger who said "No, you can't have chocolate donuts, chocolate milk, and chocolate ice cream because Daddy doesn't even get that much chocolate".  Maybe if they learn to "get over it" by two or three, and the school counselor won't be calling me because my child urinated on the principle after being put in time out.  But I guess we will see...

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Growing up my mom and dad made choices for us (Shannon and I).  Sometimes I would think, "why can't I do that like everyone else?" or "why do my parents want me to do this?", but I am finding that being a parent in America is a more heated controversy of differing opinions than Chick-Fil-A and the GLBT population (ok, maybe equally as controverse).  I think when my mom had me, things weren't so complicated.  Eat what you can, do what you want, and trust that it will all be ok.  They ate lunch meat, cleaned with bleach, drank coffee, didn't workout with baby yoga, and didn't have 800 fancy products registered at 3 different stores.  People got pregnant, did what they could to deal with discomfort, and did not look back. 

I am finding more and more friends who are pregnant or just were.  They all have different beliefs about just about everything.  It's not just about to have an epidural or not, nowadays, there is whole books on birth plans and procedures.  What happened to having a kid, dad cuts the cord, go home and call it a day?  Maybe it's the fact that my little Siegl nugget was a surprise, but I just feel almost frustrated by the amount of obsession that goes around having a baby.  Millions of healthy babies are born every year with parents with poor genetics, poor diet, lack of exercise, alcohol use, improper vitamin balances, etc.  But I suppose if I had a child who had some kind of medical condition I would constantly second guess all the choices I made...  But to what extreme is all this anxious, OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE, rule following a bit over the edge?

Today's world isn't' simple.  Science can make anyone paranoid about germs, genetics, DNA mutations, etc.  So far, I ate lunch meat twice, rarely truly track my caffeine in-take, eat compound complex carbs like it's the only food group on the planet, take Tylenol PM some nights to sleep better, and have a nice little combo pack of meds the days I want to toss my cookies.  Does that make me a bad mom?  As this journey goes on, I realize that my rebellious, "do it my way", march to the beat of my own drum does not just affect me anymore.  Now each choice affects Baby Nugget.  Is this why God gave women the responsibility of bearing children? 

This week will be the 12 week mark.... Out of the woods or so they say of the first trimester, but just starting a long journey of making choices for my kid.  I can't see myself cleaning cloth diapers or always feeding my tot organic veggies.  I don't even eat that way myself.  I say I only want my kid to watch an hour of TV, but sometimes I just like to cancel out a rainy day (or a 110 degree heat index day) and watch movies in my jammies while eating junk food.  I've never been 100% healthy, perfect, or following the rules.  I find the rules I like, I do what I want... and for the first time in my life (except for after getting scolded and grounded) I am seriously thinking about my choices. 

Do I have to lose myself to be a good parent, or is "good" a relative term here?  These little baby books certainly have a lot of advice, and friends (with and without kids) they have lots of advice, too.  Surprisingly, my mom, the one who I thought would be my "baby making coach", has been relatively mellow stressing the fact that I need to chill out, eat what I can, and not worry too much about much of anything.  I suppose I turned out ok... She had some wine, lots of lunch meat, a little caffeine, gained 50 pounds, and delivered me two weeks late.  She let me eat lots of processed foods as a kid and take cans of Surge in my lunch with my pizza lunchable that I heated up in a microwave without proper services of whole grains, veggies and fruit.  She let me run outside without shoes, be exposed to daycare centers, and play in the bath tub until the water was cold and my fingers looks like raisins.  She also read me stories at bedtime until I was seven, snuggled me a lot, let me hug her even if she was super late for work, got up with me when I was coughing in the middle of the night, and came to a few of my school holiday parties.  Sure it wasn't perfect, but it was good for me. 

 

This being a mother thing is scary stuff.  I guess you just wing it, pray it comes out right, and always try your best without losing yourself in the process.  Sounds like my method for life so far, and I guess I can handle that.  I am sure I won't have a perfect kid (Karma shows I deserve a class clown who talks back a lot and never takes no for an answer), but I know one thing for sure, no matter how I choose to do this mommy thing, I know God will help it just work out in that way He always does....

And if not, at least the kid has a grandma who was able to raise two fairly normal kids.... 

Another Transition

Yesterday, I was told that I would be reassigned to another school and leaving my current little charter school.  I had a crazy stressed out last year and was fairly confirmed working with that school was not my long-term career path, but the news of little Siegl coming sort of sped up my urgency to find a job that was not harmful to me emotionally and mentally.  The school atmosphere had dramatically changed since I had started and many of the best teachers were leaving in droves and the remaining ones were contemplating leaving.  It was always a whirlwind of dysfunction when trying to find out what the procedures were, what was happening, and how it would all work out.  The staff and the kids were often stressed and feeling chaotic.  I felt chaotic.  So, after a bit of discussions, my bosses heard me and made a move for me.

Today and tomorrow is the daunting task of telling twenty families I have worked with that I won't be there anymore, and there isn't someone to replace me (at least for the time being).  I have twenty little faces I have gotten used to seeing some for well over a year.  While I only had about seven returning to the school I would be at, I know many of those families will be heart broken.  My job allows families who can barely afford to drive to school to get therapy at school and in classroom support services using their Medicaid insurance (aka, no cost to them), and it allows them monthly access to a psychiatrist if they need it to get the medications that help many of those kids remain in school.  Without those services at their school, the families will need to find a therapist else where.  For some, the extra stressor will mean the child probably won't get therapy, and definitely won't get the supports as often as they were provided.  While my life skills specialist is staying for the time being, it feels sad to know that the relationships I built are coming to a screaming halt.

In one week, I will have already moved in and started meeting a group of new families.  Forty of them to be exact.  I will be in a new school, with new staff, new administration, new support staff, and new everything.  Did I mention how much I hate transitions?  They make me sick to my stomach (more so now that I am preggo).  I don't like the unknown.

I was reading John Ortberg's "The Me I Want to Be" before I went into my meeting.  It talked about holding onto life more softly, even letting go.  In the process of letting go, God will take over and it will all work out and in the process you will feel more at ease.  By asking God to let you let go and focusing on God taking over rather than "trying to be less anxious and more controlled", a gradual release of anxiety and pressure should occur.  So there I lay at midnight last night picturing myself  on a beach with God (I like the long white bearded image in all white with cute Birkenstock sandals).  "Watch the waves, don't I take care of them coming in and out?... and the sun, don't I take care of it rising and falling?" And I realized, God does take care of so many bigger things.  The world doesn't fall apart.  Sure there is brokenness and sure bad things happen, but the bigger picture, don't people in hind sight always have that clarity that "it worked out for a reason" or "there was a lesson learned in the struggle"....

 It reminded me of the new Duke energy commercials lately that talk about they think about all the behind the scenes stuff so the costumer doesn't have to.   I guess that's what, in my middle dream state with Tylenol PM, I was imagining.  That God takes care of the biggest pieces of the world, why couldn't He handle this?  He can handle each child's sadness, each family's stress, He can handle my anxiety, my future, my plans in the next year.  God is able to do immeasurably more than I could even imagine, and I worry???

^{20 "}Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God,"Romans 4:20

Somewhere in the next few days, I have to learn to let go.  I have to trust that this was meant to be.  My time and season was over.  And as much as it hurts and makes me sick to think of the stress that puts on to others, I know things like this happen.  It did when I left my last job in a whim, and it did when I left my grad school caseload.  People transition.  That's life.  If we aren't moving, we aren't growing.  But yet, I still have to remind myself to let go.  Let go.  Let go... Stop the what if's.  Let God handle it.

Ok, deep breath, it's time to make some calls.  I think I will start with the ones who never answer first....

Dear Pumpkin...

I keep reading how that when you are pregnant, you should journey your thoughts and feelings for your baby.  As my ninth week comes to a close, I have had many thoughts, but probably fleeting ones that my baby, aka "pumpkin", will probably never really care to know.  However, I am doing all the other things like not eating lunch meat, cutting back of caffeine and taking boats loads of vitamins, so this blog is for you little teddy gram. 

Dear Pumpkin Siegl (don' worry, we have plans to change your name before you're born),

Over the last nine weeks I have felt panic, joy, irritation, depression, more panic, exhaustion, annoyance, sick, and more panic.  While I have wanted you since I was three, and had a bald cabbage patch doll named Trevor, I was not quite prepared for your arrival into my life.  It kind of felt like watching Dumbo like when all the baby animals fell from the sky from the storks and all the mommy and daddy animals got excited and nervous all at the same time.

Then all the weird changes in my body began.  First, I felt like I had the flu (or a bad hangover) relentlessly for the last five weeks.  I know you were here because I almost threw up at the Taste of Tippicanoe when your daddy and I decided to share a lamb slider while attending with your grandparents (Grandma and Grandpa Byrnes).  Maybe it was the mint or hint of rosemary, but in that moment, I felt sick to my stomach like never before.  All of the sudden mommy felt like she was going to throw up all day every day.  One week, I wanted chicken tacos and ate tacos five times in four days.  One week, I wanted cheese pizza.  One week I liked PBJ sandwiches.  Mommy went from drinking gallons of coffee and diet coke to drinking Gatorade, water and really anything that didn't make me sick.  Most of the time, I just didn't want to eat or drink anything at all.

This week I feel much better and have eaten a little more.  I only feel sick in the evening after work and I normally take a three hour nap after being in the hot car and working with kids all day.  Growing a baby is hard work.  You have to take vitamins, folic acid, some tylenol for body aches, b6 vitamins and unisom so you don't throw up and sometimes this other pill that's suppose to make you feel better (it really doesn't, but at least sometimes I like to pretend it might work).   You also have to keep being yourself that you were before you were pregnant, but figure out ways to slow down and take care your body.  Mommy has had a very hard time with this because she used to like to be busy-busy-busy all the time.  But since you came into my life, I have started to relax more and let Daddy take control more often.   Poor daddy has been left alone most nights to play volleyball and basketball with his friends, walk Macy, and eat junk food while Mommy usually sleeps on the couch and tries to catch up on her paperwork for work.  (I think he likes that part a little bit).

Everyone is so excited for you.  This week we told the world about you and over a hundred people made comments on facebook.  What's facebook?  Well, its this thing on the computer... (I'll explain later).  I think a lot is about to change in my life.  So much already has.  But I think I am getting more and more ready for you to come.  Not quite 100% ready, but they say most mommies are never really ready.  Grandma says that they don't give parents a book on how to be a good parent.  So be patient with us.  I am sure we are about to make big mistakes like forgetting diapers when we go out to dinner or not getting the bath water just right, but we will promise to always try our best.

From here on out, if you want to decrease the heart burn, acid reflux, and stomach pains, I am a-ok with that.  If not, I guess I will just keep sleeping and you can listen to the television in the background.  Just wanted to let you know, we love you, and you are slowly becoming the center of our world.  Be good, grow steady, don't pull any plugs, and don't come out until I say so.

Love,

 your mother (and hopefully future best friend once your an adult)

PS. Dad and the grand parents say hi.  The Byrnes' hope you're a boy and hope you play football at Purdue, and the Siegl's are just happy for a grand baby.  Don't feel like your disappointing anyone if you're a girl.  Mommy really wants a girl, but will be happy no matter how you come out.  Enjoy your hibernation!

Unexpected Miracle

Our church preached about miracles about a month ago.  I sat that Sunday hearing that word "Miracle" and thinking, I have one, right here.  Three months ago, I was diagnosed to endometriosis after being diagnosed with adnomyosis at the age of 18.  I was given the hope that some day I should be able to conceive, but I might need fertility treatment and time for my body to get hormones balanced.  I was okay with that with a budding new business, nearing getting my license, and my marriage only a year in; I thought time was something I could spare.  When I looked at my laperoscopy pictures, I remember seeing the large black abscess on my uterus, and I truly wondered if this doctor was just blowing smoke up my butt, trying to get me to put my endocrine system in his hands with hormones and injections.  I was offered a treatment to put my endometriosis "to sleep" for the next year while Chris and I thought about family planning.  I prayed hard about it and thought maybe it would be nice to not have pain, bloating and a year of bowel strain, but in the end, I had decided I didn't feel right going from eight years of hormone therapy to another kind of hormones.  I just wanted to see if between diet, exercise, prayer, and trying to balance my life that I could some how balance my body.

About a month ago, I started to feel exhausted from work, sick from the heat, and just not myself.  I was bloated, had cramps, but I knew something wasn't right.  The week of my mothers birthday in mid June, three of the mothers of my clients asked if either I was pregnant or if I was planning to have kids soon.  I was a little taken aback as I knew I had been struggling to lose weight and I certainly did not feel good, but I did not in any way think it would be possible that I was pregnant.  But I mean, there was a chance I could be, but I thought, "no, I can't be".  See I have read the research.  People with endo and adno combined have so much trouble conceiving children that they rarely get pregnant without some kind of intervention.  They certainly don't get pregnant with a few moments here and there without birth control.

And then the morning sickness grew and in a moment of part desperation and part wanting to convince myself I wasn't crazy, I bought two of the cheapest pregnancy tests that Target sells.  Around 11pm on Father's Day 2012, I took one of those tests.  Then I sent Chris out for one of those fancy tests that actually say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant".  Then I took another cheap one.  Then I called the doctor.  For the last five weeks I have been in a state of shock.  "Could it be?  Could I really be pregnant?"

Well, after an ultra sound, a heart beat, and a mini photo sheet of a tiny little teddy gram, I suppose God has blessed us with the biggest miracle of all.  I remember there was a time my disease was in a big flare up about three years ago, and I sobbed on the floor of my apartment in grad school at the thought of not being able to have a family of my own.  It was a moment of desperation.  Then again a year ago, around the time we got married and they offered prayer at our church for people with illnesses and though Chris and I were weeks into marriage, I had the woman pray for us that some day we would be able to make a family.  I just prayed, year in and year out, when I saw tiny baby feet and friends posting their precious pictures, I just kept praying, "God, if it's your will, give me the desires of my heart, to be a mother..."

  So, here it is... the news is official.  The Siegl's are pregnant, and we are due February 23, 2013.  Due on the day that exactly 10 years ago to the day that I accepted Christ as my savior on a mountain top in Laurelville, Pennsylvania.  I had no idea in ten years God to turn me from someone who doubted His existence, to someone who proclaims His miracles and praises His good deeds in my life.  

Today I announce, God has blessed us with an "unexpected miracle" 

and I will never be the same....

Heb 11:1: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Finally Listening

My husband had to leave out of town for the entire weekend.  It's the first time in months that I truly have nothing special on the agenda, not in pain for post-op surgery, and no real worries to attend to unless I allow myself to go there.  I prayed a few weeks back that if I was meant to leave community mental health and move on fully without guilt to my private practice (again, WITHOUT GUILT) that God would close one door and open the other.  I knew when I prayed this, that I was basically asking for the next 7-12 months of my life to feel like hell as closing doors almost always comes with a lot of emotional garbage.  Nevertheless, I prayed feverishly I would hear God's voice telling me where to go, and how to feel confident in that decision.

So, not to my surprise, the last couple weeks have continued to build and build with reaffirmations that my heart and long term vision for myself is not in social work but is in clinical therapy, specifically working with people who truly want to change and are ready to make a commitment to change their lives.  I have found that either spring fever or some full moon system has caused a grand majority of my children, their families, and the surrounding systems to know my buttons and push them religiously.  I have found my patience much thinner, my heart more weary, and my faith in humanity more and more shaky.  Maybe I am just more attuned to it, but I have been taken aback so many times in the last month that I have been ready to grab my play therapy toys and just walk out a few times without looking back.  (Good thing I am not a quitter). I even started thinking of other jobs that might pay comparably that I could just jump into and forget everything involving therapy including my private practice.  Luckily, I had a few really good MFT supervisors back at CTS who always warned that burn out would feel this way, and as much as I would doubt myself, it was because I was working in the trenches of social work and not doing the clinical work I was trained for as the majority of my work.

One thing I have noticed about myself, no matter how many times God is faithful to me, is I have a hard time trusting God.  Patience, trust, and letting go are just three things this neurotic, take charge woman doesn't do without a lot of preparation and prayer.  I am getting to the point where I am on my knees asking God how He can continue to strengthen me to endure the next year, trust in His plans for my life, and prepare my business with over flowing blessing.  I hope this blog is like one of those Biggest Loser pre-ranch videos.  I want to say, "Look Kerrie, here I am untrusting, broken, willing to give up so easily, and disheartened.  But look at you now!  A successful business owner, a fully licensed therapist, and God did PREVAIL and PROVIDE!  You struggled to trust him, but you did.  You used your resources but God blessed it.  You never gave up, and you continued to serve His people in both offices depending on His strength and not your own...  Now, look.  God has brought in the harvest of your faith and you can continue to move forward with the plan for your life".  

Then I will sit crying a little, smiling and crying tears of joy.  Thinking of all the people who helped me a long the way...  I'll feel on fire and wanting to trust God with more of my life.  That's my prayer for the next year.  I want a life change moment of faith.  I feel like I went stagnant for awhile and I've been comfortable enjoying the blessings I have been given.  This is a HUGE step for me.  While I down play my excitement, I am trying to balance it with the idea that I have to still keep working in two places at one time for at least the next seven months (if not more like a year).  And while, I am super happy, I am also thinking of that Biggest Loser contestant standing on the scale on week 2 (you know the one where they don't lose very much because they had that HUGE drop the week before?)  I have a long, LONG way to go.  I started this journey last September, and I am just not making it somewhat a reality.  At the same time, I am weighing to equally powerful emotions, that God gives me the blessings of a great opportunity, but the reality check that I have a lot to do to make the most of this blessing...

So here I am.  Trying to figure out how God will use me, strengthen me, work through me, and provide for me and how I fit into all of that.  I hope by the time Chris comes home, that God has allowed me to listen long enough that I feel His presence in my life's work.  I've had a few bad weeks, but I think sometimes being brought to my knees is what I need in order to ask for help.  Call me stubborn, independent, and unwilling to reach out, but I suppose those same weaknesses give the courage and confidence to take risks like starting my own business at this time in my life.  I am seeking wisdom, some kind of miraculous sign, a stamp of approval, or a "God moment" where the Red Sea parts and I know how and where to move forward to keep from being eaten up.  So here I sit listening this weekend... I am ready to find some wisdom....

Proverbs 2:1-5

New International Version (NIV)

Moral Benefits of Wisdom

2 My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
² turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding —
³ indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.