Tomorrow is my wedding. The dress is hanging up on the door, my bags are packed, and the rehearsal is over with. Ironically, I think I've worked out most of the anxiety for the night. In silence I sit and think about the day ahead. It's like I know this journey is about to have it's splendor. There is excitement, but this feels like those first few minutes in the dark before the sun comes over the horizon. I know it's coming on it's time and I have an ironic sense of peace about it. This last 13 months has been months of planning and today I crossed off the last of the tasks on theknot.com's to do list.
The hard part is over. The climb, the struggles, the decisions. Now I just have to wait to float down that aisle and marry the man of my dreams. To some that would be anxiety provoking, but for me, it feels like it's just meant to be. I have no doubts going into tomorrow. I feel like I am about to be a little more complete. I am ready to get married. I am ready to finally call Chris my husband.
I am tired, maybe even worn out. Tomorrow will be a long day, but a day of joy. I have pictured it in my head, and like all of my pictures, it will probably be different, but I have a few magical moments when I stop feeling like I could throw up, stop sweating, and just realize the magic, the power, the holiness of the day. Tonight is my solitude with the creator of marriage. I am in awe that I was created and have found a love like this. No where in my life story do I find that I deserve this kind of love, but here I am.... God has been so good to me, and it's about to get better. Now I just wait. The sun is about to rise and I am so close. The splendor of a sun rise or a sun set is so small in comparison to the time in a day. I want to savor it. I want to bask in it. I want to be at peace and attentive to detail and find pure joy in it. This is my sunrise, one of the few in my life.
8 hours from now, the happiest day of my life will begin. There will be storms in life ahead, but tomorrow is my moment in the sun. Once in a lifetime moments have made up a good chunk of the last year: getting a masters, getting engaged, buying a house, and now getting married. This one is the big one. I'm ready, I'm joyful, and I cannot wait to be Mrs. Christopher James Siegl.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Pebbles and Mountains
As I journey on closer to the wedding, I've started to hit the snares and snarls that every bride with a large wedding describes.... "it was just those last two weeks before the wedding"... "I just couldn't wait for it to be over" etc. etc. The last few days what felt like mountainous climbs on an endless hill have continued to be re-proportioned. While my emotions feel like a nightly tornado sweeping in after business hours sifting through 20 wedding related emails and all the emotions that draw with it, I found myself just caught up and stuck. Devastated in the wake of reality, I think I've taken on a zoomed in notion of what used to be the fun little things I did on a Sunday. I'm not saying I want it all to be over, far from it, I think I just forgot that as I staggered up the mountain, I was simply staring at my feet and I forgot to look around.
It's sort of ironic that for a few days I've been overly consumed by meaningless pebbles getting in the way of watching the rising sun. In the day time, I process sexual abuse trauma, deal with families being evicted, poverty, gang violence, murder, incest, neglect, loss, criminal acts of violence, etc etc etc. With my clients, who are barely standing, much less making progress in walking up the hill, I found myself pouting and tantruming over pebbles.
I used to use a metaphor with foster parents to help them acknowledge the struggle their kids carried. "Imagine yourself with a hiking pack on your journey up a mountain. You find yourself alone climbing up steep terrain, tired, lonely, scared. When you turn to your left and see hundreds of your peers climbing quickly, almost running up the hill. You realize quickly the packs are empty or only contain a few small pebbles of weight. They laugh, smiles, talk with their friends, and enjoy the afternoon hike. Somehow you remember at the beginning of your journey, people placed large rocks, almost boulders in your bag. You carried them believing everyone else carried them, too. While it was hard, you pressed on. People said, "you'll be alright, you have a long journey to climb". So you climbed and climbed. No one understood you, they passed you. People laughed and mocked you for being behind. They ran ahead, not knowing you had so much more weight to carry. Now here you are half way up the mountain. People want to see you move, but they don't realize that you are tired and weighed down. Then a caring motherly figure opens your bag. She sees the boulders covered by your sack and instantly she knows why now you've been so tired. You struggle to hang on or trust that anyone else can carry your weight, so you just press on".
I was taking a shower inside my new shower curtain in my new house. As I plan for my wedding to the man of my dreams. I mentally start to look in my pack. What felt like a full sack is really just pebbles. It's funny that I could mistake the difference in weight, size, or shape compared to my kiddos. Tonight, I have a home I can pay for, groceries to eat, a wedding to plan, a honeymoon to look forward to, health, transportation, family, love, support. I should be running up the mountain carefree and giddy. Who cares about the few pebbles rolling around making noise?
The sun is about to rise. I've been waiting to see it for what seems like forever. I know the hope it brings for a moment that a new beginning is coming. I am just so thankful I am going to have the strength to make it to the top. I am just so thankful that when I was sent on this journey I was privileged with a fairly light pack, shoes to walk in and people to encourage my walk. Please let me be reminded the pebbles are just pebbles compared to the mountains that many climb. Keep me humble and real. Remind me just how much you've blessed me.
It's sort of ironic that for a few days I've been overly consumed by meaningless pebbles getting in the way of watching the rising sun. In the day time, I process sexual abuse trauma, deal with families being evicted, poverty, gang violence, murder, incest, neglect, loss, criminal acts of violence, etc etc etc. With my clients, who are barely standing, much less making progress in walking up the hill, I found myself pouting and tantruming over pebbles.
I used to use a metaphor with foster parents to help them acknowledge the struggle their kids carried. "Imagine yourself with a hiking pack on your journey up a mountain. You find yourself alone climbing up steep terrain, tired, lonely, scared. When you turn to your left and see hundreds of your peers climbing quickly, almost running up the hill. You realize quickly the packs are empty or only contain a few small pebbles of weight. They laugh, smiles, talk with their friends, and enjoy the afternoon hike. Somehow you remember at the beginning of your journey, people placed large rocks, almost boulders in your bag. You carried them believing everyone else carried them, too. While it was hard, you pressed on. People said, "you'll be alright, you have a long journey to climb". So you climbed and climbed. No one understood you, they passed you. People laughed and mocked you for being behind. They ran ahead, not knowing you had so much more weight to carry. Now here you are half way up the mountain. People want to see you move, but they don't realize that you are tired and weighed down. Then a caring motherly figure opens your bag. She sees the boulders covered by your sack and instantly she knows why now you've been so tired. You struggle to hang on or trust that anyone else can carry your weight, so you just press on".
I was taking a shower inside my new shower curtain in my new house. As I plan for my wedding to the man of my dreams. I mentally start to look in my pack. What felt like a full sack is really just pebbles. It's funny that I could mistake the difference in weight, size, or shape compared to my kiddos. Tonight, I have a home I can pay for, groceries to eat, a wedding to plan, a honeymoon to look forward to, health, transportation, family, love, support. I should be running up the mountain carefree and giddy. Who cares about the few pebbles rolling around making noise?
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